Welcome nerds, geeks, and various other words for comic book readers! It's everyone's favorite Merc with a Mouth: DEADPOOL (Not that the title didn't make it obvious enough)! Now, it's time for you all to gather 'round my awesome presence... EXCEPT FOR YOU, DC FANS... oh hell, even DC fans! Get over here, you lil' scamps! Today, I'm going to tell everyone a little tale of mine... a tale, known as:

MOJO JO-JO

Look at that awesome font! IT'S SO BOLD (Get it? Because... Because it's bold...?)! But, getting back to the point, I bet you're asking why the title is a blatant rip-off of a Powerpuff Girls villain! Well... if you're an X-Men guy (Which you SHOULD be, considering that... y'know, I AM), I think you might know where this is going. And with that note, this story of awesomeocity begins with me doing what I do best...

"WHEN THE HELL DID THEY STOP SHOWING GOLDEN GIRLS?!" I screamed with righteous fury, throwing my cup of ICEE at the TV, "Blech... every TV show today sucks; why can't they just have every show that I used to like?!"

I lazily pick up the remote and switch it to another channel.

"WELCOME TO PAIN FACTOR, a dangerous (not to mention illegal) reality show that is somehow shown on TV now; and (as always), your host is me: DEADPOOL, because my name always requires capital letters! In our new episode, people try to survive... erm... MY FANS! That's right... YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SURVIVE MY FANS."

"But you killed all of your fans."

"That's what YOU think," he (I?!) said, pulling a tarp off of a random stack of fans (Ya' know... the ones with blades...? NO, NOT THE VAMPIRE HUNTER, YOU DUMB-), "HA! I have fooled you with my clever use of wordplay! NOW FEAR THEIR MIGHTY BLOWING POWERS!"

"Glad to know Ultimate-Me is still getting work," I said, turning off the TV, "Maybe I should go check out how Logan is doing; surely he needs to take a break from the five on-goings he's in right now…?"

I finally rose off my ass and was finally about to step out of my apartment until...

"WHOA! An unexplained aura of energy is teleporting me to another location against my will…! Am I in another team-up book with Cable already…? NICOLE, HAVE YOU COME BACK TO ME?!"

"Who's Nicole…?" Someone asked... in that usual perplexed tone that everyone uses when they talk to me.

"One of my editors; she managed to tolerate me for a whopping 50 issues! If that isn't love, I don't know what is..."

"Erm... yes... I take it that you're Deadpool…?"

"Yup; in the constantly-regenerating flesh…! And I take it that YOU'RE that guy from Clockwork Orange! ... Or the Red Guy from Cow and Chicken."

"No... I AM MOJO!"

[DP's Note: If you don't know who Mojo is… well, you don't know who Mojo is. You need to get on that; Wikipedia exists for a reason, guys.]

"Oh, really...? Well, just be glad that I didn't make an Austin Powers refere-whoops, just did."

"ENOUGH! I know that you have experience with television..."

"Well, as I established earlier, that's technically Ultimate-Me, but I guess you could say that."

"Well, regardless, how would you like to be in MY show? With your extraordinary abilities, you could be my new rising star!"

"And what would happen if I DON'T take part in this, exactly...?"

"Instant disintegration..."

"THEN I'M IN!"

"EXCELLENT! We'll start filming right away!"

"Awww... I don't even get any green M&Ms…?"

"AAAAND... ACTION…!"

I stand around for a little bit, staring at the camera.

"… That means you're supposed to do something."

"Oh, right."

Like a badass, I whip out my two katana (technically ninjatō, but that doesn't sound as cool); slicing the camera in half.

"Deadpool…!"

"I know; awesome, right…?"

Mojo facepalms, apparently unable of comprehending my stroke of genius. "Let's… try something more complicated."

I am then transported to a set resembling the Savage Land.

[DP's Note: Read some comics or something.]

"So, uh… what now…?" I asked, stroking my handsome brow.

"Don't worry…" Mojo said, licking his ass-ugly face, "Your 'co-stars' should assist you in this scene…!"

Suddenly, several Raptors ran through the shrubbery, heading right for lil' ol' me. "Alright; you didn't tell me we were shooting the new Jurassic Park…!" I unleash my two pistols, even taking the time to twirl them around before popping a cap in those prehistoric bastards… though apparently I get too carried away, shooting at another one of the cameras.

"DEADPOOL…!" Mojo yelled, obviously disgruntled, "This is a LIVE BROADCAST…!"

"Oh, c'mon, ma; gimme one last chance…!" In a move completely uncharacteristic of me, I kneel down, begging. "I can change, I tells ya'; I CAN CHANGE…!"

"Fine…" Mojo grumbles, "Just one last chance…!"

"YIPEE…! You won't regret it; I swear!"

"I better not…"

I am then transported into an extravagant car chase, where I—"What the hell is that doing here?!" Immediately shoot the camera again. Because I'm an asshole.

"Execute him," Mojo said (quite angrily, I might add).

Knowing that my presence was no longer needed, I took it upon myself to teleport myself out of harm's way… and replace me with my Ultimate-Self. Because once again; I'm an asshole. As such, I was able to spend the rest of my day binging on chimichangas and watching crappy Doug McClure movies… hey, it's not exciting, but it's a happy ending if I ever saw one… which I didn't, because this is purely in text. Why are you reading this? Go do something more productive with your time… like, hell if I know what it is, but just do it. Right now. I've got time… Which is exactly why I'm still writing this damn thing... I need help.