A/N: Written in summer, so it's a mix of movie and book canon... but it's mostly just pure silliness anyway.
A fill for this prompt on LJ's Hobbit Kink Meme:
Thorin and Thranduil had a thing back when Erebor was all sunshine and lollipops. But the Smaug happens and they haven't seen each other since. Years and years later, Thorin and his company find themselves at the mercy of the king which is awkward enough given the history of Elves and Dwarves but then someone *coughTHORINcough* brings up the old relationship and the interrogation turns into a shouting match.
Bonuses for:
+ Dwalin being like 'wow, still not over that, huh?' to Thorin.
+ Thorin bringing Legolas into it, but Thranduil is having none of that - 'OH FOR THE LOVE OF... I HAD SEX 400 YEARS BEFORE I MET YOU, GET OVER IT.' And Legolas is just like '...ew, I am still in the room, do you mind not?'
+ 'WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU HUH?' 'THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU, THORIN OAKENSHIELD, I HAD SHIT TO DEAL WITH.'
+ Fili and Kili calling Legolas cousin.
+ Someone, at some point, bringing up bad bedroom habits. Thorin used to steal the bedsheets or Thranduil would always forget to blow the candle out idk.
+ The younger Dwarves having to be explained everything in hushed tones.
+Ori tries to write down EVERYTHING.
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In lieu of apples
As it was often the case with such stories, nobody would be able to pinpoint afterwards when exactly the events had spiraled out of control.
Bilbo knew for a fact that he had been preparing for a perfectly normal day of keeping himself hidden in the depths of the Elvenking's palace while he tried to figure out a route of escape.
His day started with unexpected good fortune pilfering food; he acquired nuts and apples and a few slices of freshly baked sweet bread. At that point he was perfectly willing to call it a good day.
In fact, Bilbo was still munching on an apple, hidden away in his favorite little cranny, when two elven guards led Dwalin past him.
The dwarf was spitting insults that had Bilbo's ears turning red before he could so much as say "improper."
Bilbo took one last regretful look at his half-eaten apple, then he tucked it into the pocket of his pants and followed Dwalin's bellowing. It was as easy as following a trail of breadcrumbs, though Bilbo found it hard to believe that any respectable hobbit would ever let good food go to waste like that.
There was neither pie at the end of the trail nor a monster, though the dwarves might have disagreed.
They were all neatly lined up before the Elvenking's throne, shackled by their wrists and ankles and shadowed by two dozen guards. They looked rather twitchy to Bilbo, one blond fellow in particular.
"...so you can see with your own eyes that your companions are my prisoners," King Thranduil announced, "and that any hope for rescue is a fool's hope. You would do well to bow to my demands and tell me the truth."
The king, Bilbo decided after a second and a third look at him, looked ever so slightly frazzled. There was nothing wrong with his resplendent golden hair or the crown he wore, nor with his manner of dress or the way he sat on his throne, all properly majestic and regal and what you want, yet Bilbo couldn't help feeling that he looked frazzled.
Just in case, Bilbo tucked himself deeper into that convenient shadowy corner he had found himself.
There was grumbling and growling from several dwarves, but it was the one in the center who growled the loudest.
"It's always about what you want!" Thorin exploded.
A moment of silence followed. Bilbo blamed it on confusion, though he would later realize it was caused by dread.
The elf on the throne opened his mouth and Bilbo could finally pinpoint why he appeared so frazzled. He was doing his best to keep from frowning, yet all the same he looked about as comfortable as Bilbo reckoned he did when Lobelia invited herself for tea.
"Shut up!" Thorin snapped before the elf could say so much as a single word. He seemed oblivious to the Elvenking's icy glare and the strangled noise, almost a squeak, of the twitchy golden-haired archer. "I don't want to hear anymore of what you want and need and demand, I listened to naught but your tantrums for years! Thorin, Elrond is more renowned than me. Thorin, they say Galadriel's forest is greater than mine. Thorin, the shipment of dorwinion is late. Thorin this, Thorin that, I'm done with it!" The dwarf's beard trembled with his indignation. "After decades of blessed silence I can't put up with your prattle anymore!"
The king's long, fine hands wrapped around the armrests of the throne with such force as if they were wrapped around the dwarf's neck. "Prattle?" Thranduil hissed. "You dare mock my trust in your..."
"...and just so you know, your so-called singing is an earsore! You sound like a dying goat."
"Now really, Thorin," Dwalin tried to interfere.
No one was listening. The dwarves were muttering amongst themselves, the elves were looking distinctly uncomfortable and Kili and Fili's demands for an explanation were becoming ever louder. They went just as ignored as Dwalin.
"You used to love my singing!" the Elvenking spat. He was tense, poised to leap forward and truly throttle the dwarf who kept huffing and puffing like an angry bull.
"That was before you turned out to be a good-for-nothing traitorous coward!"
Bilbo scratched his chin and decided there was more to the story than he had been told.
For one thing, the elves didn't look surprised. For another, neither did the older dwarves. Kili and Fili were looking just as confused as Bilbo felt.
He wished he could eat his apple without the crunching giving him away.
Maybe he was mistaken, wearing his invisibility ring distorted the world quite oddly, but Bilbo could have sworn that the grand Elvenking flinched as if he had been slapped. Then Bilbo blinked and when he opened his eyes again he looked just as cold and regal as ever and well, Bilbo decided he must have been mistaken. Who knew what such noble folk as kings thought anyway.
"I," the king ground out between clenched teeth, maybe Bilbo hadn't been mistaken, "did what was necessary to ensure the survival of my kingdom." He narrowed his eyes further at Thorin, if such a thing was possible at all. "It need not have changed anything between us. It was your choice to break our ties." Thranduil shook his head, an impatient sigh escaped him. "Don't blame me for your regrets."
"Wait!" Kili howled. "Uncle, were you and..."
Again, he went ignored by Thorin, though Dori whispered something to the brothers that Bilbo couldn't catch.
Thorin looked...pained. "My only regret is that I ever believed a cheating liar like you!" There was something oddly vulnerable in the manner in which he held himself, as if he was clinging to his fury because it was the only thing keeping him upright.
Bilbo swallowed hard. He wasn't in the mood for an apple anymore.
Thranduil gave a very undignified snort. "I never laid with another, you weren't even born yet when I fathered Legolas!" Bilbo would have bet some good mushrooms on him rolling his eyes if he had any less self-control.
The twitchy blond archer choked, his hands slipped on his bow. He barely managed to catch it before it clattered to the ground, but he didn't have so much luck with the arrow he had held primed. "Adar!" he cried as he crouched to snatch it up between Kili's feet.
Bilbo saw the spark of mischief gleam in Kili's eyes before it happened and felt a twinge of sympathy. Kili kicked the arrow out of the elf's reach just as his fingertips brushed against it. "Hello there, stranger," Kili drawled in his best mock suave voice which wasn't suave at all but had Fili snickering. "I'm flattered, but you needn't have bothered kneeling in adoration."
Fili cleared his throat noisily. "Be nice to our new cousin, Kili."
Were elves prone to fainting? The elf, Bilbo assumed it was the fathered-before-Thorin's-birth Legolas, looked as if he were about to from sheer mortification.
"Sorry," Kili chirped. "Nobody taught me the proper procedure for welcoming tree-hopping squirrels into the family." He kicked the arrow back Legolas' way.
"As if anyone would have wanted to, thieving scum!" Thorin's bellow drew Bilbo's attention back to the other scene of crime, which seemed to have turned into a proper tit-for-tat shouting match while he had been distracted by the younger generation's antics.
"Don't call me a thief when you are nothing but a greedy gold-grubbing dwarf!"
"Don't call me gold-grubbing when you are trying to steal our treasure!"
"I have never stolen anything!"
"Hah!" crowed Thorin gleefully. "Says the elf who can't even be trusted not to steal the blankets!"
Silence.
Bilbo patted the pocket of his pants to check if he still had his apple. All that yelling was making him feel a mite peckish.
Kili tried to scratch his nose with the right hand, only for the left to be dragged along for the ride. He grunted in annoyance. "Do you reckon we'll get out of these shackles once Uncle and his elf kiss and make up?"
His voice sounded loud and clear in the awkward silence of the hall.
Bilbo couldn't help cringing when the Elvenking's furious gaze settled on the young dwarf. Even Fili squirmed under his wrath, though it was directed at his brother; Kili, though, just flashed him a dazzling smile.
"Take them away," Thranduil ordered. He sounded cold and dignified again but he was still glaring daggers at Kili and carefully pretending that Thorin didn't exist. "All of them."
The brothers kept protesting that family reunions oughtn't be cut short, but Thorin seemed just as eager to ignore Thranduil as the other way around. He didn't even protest being returned to his cell, though Bilbo caught him turning his head around for another glance at the Elvenking just before he got out of sight.
The last thing Bilbo heard of the dwarves was Ori asking one of the guards, "excuse me, Master Elf, would it be a terrible bother to bring me a quill and parchment? I would like to record the events of this extraordinary day."
Once the hall was blessedly deserted, Bilbo fetched his half-eaten apple, dusted off some pocket lint and took a large bite out of it.
There was nothing like food to help you recover from your perfectly normal day spiraling out of control.
The end