I can't hate myself from doing this this to her. But it's just the right thing to do. At first, I thought that it's just life. But after what Jasper did to make me realize that it's not safe for us to be here, I figured that if we all leave, Bella's life would be in safety. From the moment that I said to Bella,"You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if i'd never existed",it was the very blackest part of my blasphemy. But I figured that if I go back now, I would break my promise and I would also break her heart again. I talked to Carlisle the moment right after her birthday party..
" Carlisle, I think from what happened a while ago, I think its best for us to leave. Don't you think that we've put this on too far?" I said,with despair to make me think that I could leave her.
" Edward, I know that you love Bella. But why are you making this so hard for us to suffer from you too? She is you're life and no matter what changes in things, she will always be the one in your heart." I cringed, for,because no matter what explanation I do,he is right.
" But Carlisle, think about what happened a while ago..if not for us,Bella would be normal,just like any other teenage girl should be! And if not for us, Bella's life would not be in danger anymore! And if not for us, she wouldn't have been almost killed by James and Victoria! So why made this any harder for us if the only solution in all these times is to stay away from her and from Forks?! " I can't even look at him.
" Edward what do YOU exactly mean? "
" I have been right all along. From the very first moment that I have met her, I always knew that this was hard from me. I told myself to stay away from her but I just can't! And now that this is all too late, I guess that we have no other choice but to leave Forks and leave Bella. I know that it's not good for me,and maybe for her, but if this is the only way to make her safe again, I'd sacrifice anything just to protect her. " and to that, my heart fell into pieces.
" But Edward, you..can't.. she IS safe with us! WE will protect her from.."
" Carlisle, don't you get it? The only thing that we're protecting Bella from is US?!We're always the one causing her trouble,not James or Victoria, but us! Us, Carlisle,us! " I fought with my emotions..but I WAS right.
" Okay Edward, we're going to Tanya but you'll gonna have to stay here until three days and you will be the one to tell her and not us, okay?
" Okay Carlise, I will."
And that was it. I don't know how I'm going to say this to her. But I thought to myself, that if I told her that I didn't want her anymore..that I didn't..love her..anymore,maybe she will believe and I can go on with my life. But its all done. I can't bring back time. I know that what I did to her was to only break her heart and to convinced to her to let go of our memories and to move on. But I can see that she can't. And neither will I.
After a day later, I left Tanya's coven to go track Victoria. I know that I'm not good at it but it's the only way to make sure that SHE is safe from Victoria. That no vampire or any other mythical creature can come find her and destroy her precious life that I have once ruined. I know that every minute that I was gone will be full of her memories, OUR memories, but in some time, I have to manage to not think of her anymore.. But I have to think of her safety.
It was a month of tracking Victoria and still no clues. I sometimes visit Carlisle and Esme only to check on them if they were still okay. I already miss my brothers and sisters but I have to keep on tracking to keep HER safe even if I'm not there with her.
Four months pass and I weren't doing any luck on my tracking trip. And I wasn't doing any luck on forgetting about HER either. This love is taking all of my hopes up for keeping her safe. I was always wondering what would happen if we never leave? Would there still be us? Would SHE love me even if I know that loving each other was another big mistake? And the most important question of all.. If she have found someone to replace what I can't give her.. I can't even think of her name..it always remind me of all the impossibles that I can give if I was just human.
When I was on the woods, trying to catch the scent of Victoria, my phone buzzed. I didn't pick it up because it might be just Esme telling me to come back home or something. Or maybe Emmett or Alice or Jasper or Rosalie trying to tell me that they've missed me. And so I didn't answer the call.
The cellphone in my pocket vibrated again. It was the twenty-fifth time in one whole day. I was planning to open my phone, just to check who was completely ruining my day and because maybe it's also important. But I still keep the phone shut and unanswered. When I looked at where I was going, I was in the middle of a dark alley filled with rats and spiders and cockroaches.
I sit down for a minute. Trying to think that this plan wouldn't work and this so called"mission" would be a failure. I was meaningless to this world. I could have go back.. but I can't ruin her perfect life for her again. What was my pain in camparison for her happiness? I could see her, behind my mind, smiling at me.. forgiving me with welcomed arms..like I didn't leave.. but I can't go back. She deserved better than that. She deserved a much better MAN than me.
And she would go to her place of contentment. But I would not have reached her anyway. There was my hope and my light, and there must also be a relief, but there were no guarantees. Even if I was dead, would I still blame myself for doing these things to her? I shuddered. I promised to never haunt her ruined life again. I promised to never bring back my little demons along with me.
The idea of turning around to back to Forks wasn't such a good idea. But I can just check. To see if she was happy and contented and just to know if she ever forget about me. I will just have to check. She wouldn't even know that I will be sneaking on her. She wouldn't even know that I will be there..
Then my phone vibrated AGAIN. I supposed I could answer it just to distract my insane thoughts flipping all over me. And by the time that I looked at the number that's calling me to death, I was really in shocked to see the number that wasn't always concern about me. Why would ROSALIE call me? She was probably the only on in the family who's enjoying my prolong abscence. But what if there was something wrong with my family? She woudn't call if there was an emergency right? So I began to worry about them. And I suddenly flippled the phone.
" What do you want Rosalie? " My voice was tensely said.
" I'm so glad you finally answered the phone, Mr. Edward Masen Cullen."
As soon as I heard the tone of her voice, I was very certain that my whole family was just fine. She was maybe just bored. She was never close to me even if we're sisters. She's just very irritating to get along with. Unlike Alice, of course. And so, I snapped the phone shut.
Of course, the phone vibrated AGAIN. I thought about shutting about the phone again, but I figured, she will just call and call and call and I would just get annoyed with her. And so, I answered the phone irritatedly.
" Get on with it Rosalie! I don't have time for your annoyingness this time." I said, so pissed actually.
" I thought that you would want to know that our little Alice is in Forks. "
I opened my eyes and shocked flashed across my face.
" What?! " My voice was emotionless.
" You know how Alice thinks that she would know everything-- just like you.." Her chuckle made it feel like she wasn't exactly sure at how she's going to say it.
Alice had sworn that she would never come back to Forks, unless I would do that. She'd sworn that she'll leave Bella alone, for as long as I did. She taught I was eventually fold to the pain. Maybe she was right about that. But I hadn't. So what WAS she doing in Forks? To check on her? Maybe. To ask her if everything is fine? Maybe. To ask if she had moved on? Probably..
" Edward, are you still there? "
I was never coming back. I promised! ..
" Edward, don't you even care why Alice is doing in there? "
" Not exactly. "
" But she isn't exactly breaking the rules, you know? You told us to stay away from Bella,right? But the rest of Forks didn't matter.."
I tried to swallow.. buy I couldn't. So, Bella moved?
" Then why the hell are you calling me, Rosalie? If not to get Alice in trouble? Then why are you bothering me? Twenty-five calls?In one day? That's not you. It's more like Alice convime to go shopping with her. "
I tried to shut the phone but then she suddenly spoke.
" WAIT! That's not why I called! "
" Then tell me why exactly did you call? And then, leave me alone. "
" Well.. Edward.. uhmm.."
" Oh for God's sake just spit it out Rosalie! "
" Uhmm.. I think you should come home. I'm tired of Esme always grieving and Carlisle never laughing. You should be ashamed to yourself what you're absence has done complicatedly on this family. Emmett misses you al the time and it sort of creeps me out. You should grow up, Edward! Just for once, think about something besides yourself. "
" Good job, Rosalie! What an interesting advice! you know what? Let me tell you a story about a pot and a kettle..."
" I am thinking about them, unlike you Edward! You're making it hard for this family to keep up without you here! Can you have just a little simpathy for Esme? You know that she loves you more than the rest of us, so why make this harder if you can just go home? Please Edward,GO HOME! "
" I thought that if this Forks problem would be done , you'd get over it and move on. "
" Forks was never really the problem, Rose. Just because Bella--it's hard for me to say her name out loud--has moved to Florida, it doesn't mean that I'm able to.. Look, Rosalie. Trust me, it would really get worst if I were there. "
" Uhmm.. I .."
" Was is it that you're not telling me,Rose? And this time, the real one. Is it Esme? Is Carlisle al.. "
" They're just absolutely fine. It's just..well..I..I didn't tell you that Bella moved. "
Then, the rushing-of-words-like-there's-an-emergency talk is bringing up AGAIN. It sounded like it was really important. So I just waited for her to say something..
" They didn't tell you, but I think it's the dumbest idea I have ever heard of. The quicker that you get over this, the sooner that things will be just back to normal.. Why let you hang around into the dark side of the world when there's no need for it? You can really come home now. We're your family. It's all over."
My mind seemes to be confused and broken. There was something about what she was saying that I coudn't actually get it right..My brain was full of patterns, but none of them covered the news.
" Edward? Are you still there? "
" What's the news Rosalie? "
A pause.
" She's dead Edward. "
A longer pause.
" I'm really sorry. You have the right to know, though, right? I think. Bella.. she threw herself off a high cliff two days ago. Alice saw it, but, it was late to do anything anymore. I think she would have helped, though, even if she broke her word, if there had only been much time. She went back to Forks to find out what she can do for Charlie. You know she'd always care for--.."
The phone went dead. It took me sometime to realize that I had shut the power off. I sat in long dusty road, frozen at the news. It was seemed like time had finally ended. Like the whole universe had stopped. Slowly, acting and moving liked an old man, turned my cellphone back on and dialed the number that I have sworned I would never call or disturb again. If it was her, I would hang up. I would get the information I need to have proof for what Rosalie decided to put me on..I'd proved Rosalie's little sick joke wrong, and then go back to my emptiness.
" Hello. Swan Residence. " answered a voice that I would never have heard before. I didn't pause about the implification about that.
" This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen .. " I said, perfectly immitating my father's deep voice. " May I speak to Charlie? "
" He's not here.." The voice responded. But this time, it's filled with anger and it was almost a snarl.
" Well, where is he then?" I demanded, getting impatiently at the point.
" He' s at the funeral." the voice finally answered.
Then, I snapped up the phone and going back to the trail of the past that I have taken as a big mistake now marked into a horrible decision.