DISCLAIMER: Of course I don't own Beyblade. Get real.
WARNINGS: Yaoi, slash, shounen-ai, whatever you may call it. Boy-on-boy, girl-on-girl, the works. If you can't stand the homosexual stuff back away now.
SUMMARY: Tala's Bey-Dating Association: Finding dates for busy beybladers since 2007.
PAIRINGS: So far, there's mentions of Tyson/Kai, Max/Rei and (maybe) one-sided Max/Rick and Rei/Mystel. And never fear, I'm avoiding OCs like the plague!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, so I've labelled this as "parody". It's more a parody of beyblade slashfic than the show and, well, isn't as relevant now since I started it ages ago when I first got into the fandom and every other fic was a "Tala inadvertently makes characters A and B realise how much they love each other whether he's trying to woo character A or maim character B and in the end he's completely fine with it, often even pleased for them " and I thought it would be funny if Tala was a matchmaker straight-up. Well, there's not many of those stories anymore that I've seen, but there are still a lot of "if one of them's gay, they're all gay" fics so that part still works. Um, yeah…so… No offence meant.
I've never really tried to do a silly fanfic before, so feel free to tell me if I've failed. I know I'm no good at humour. Anyway, I'll shut up now. Read and enjoy...
Welcome to the BDA
Tala dusted an imaginary speck of dust off his shiny new silver desk, and leaned back in his brand new tan leather office chair, crossing his arms behind his head lazily.
The office was small, but elegant; decorated by the finest Kai would buy him, in other words, himself and IKEA. It was done up in his favourite colours. The three inner walls were painted a pristine white with a six-inch band of orange running across the top and one in royal blue on the bottom. The front wall was made entirely out of glass, its panes painted in the same royal blue that bordered the base of the room, with clean white blinds hanging open over the two sides, each set stopping at the glass door which was bordered in orange.
In some cultures, this mixture of colours clashed horribly, but somehow, the redhead had made it work.
The furniture was modern, everything made of shimmering silver metal mixed with tan leather. He had a desk, with a pair of visitor chairs on one side, and a chair for himself on the other. All three were stuffed with the most comfortable stuffing he could find and covered in soft tan leather that didn't squeak when sat upon. On either side of the back wall were huge silver cabinets -one of which was empty at the moment, but he figured once he got going, it would be filled to the brink- just like any other real office. He even had a plant in the corner!
The pinnacle, however, was the painting that hung on the wall behind his head. It was an artist's rendition of Wolborg in all her glory, a snapshot of his bitbeast in the midst of Novae Rog. She stood out in icy blue, white and silver against a snowy midnight backdrop, a true masterpiece in Tala's eyes.
And Kai thought that flea market was a waste of time.
"Can't you find anything better to do with your time?" Kai asked, interrupting his musings.
"What? Matchmaking is fun!" Tala replied.
"Hn."
"You should be thanking me. For you and Tyson."
Kai frowned. "How can you possibly take credit for Tyson and me?"
Tala smirked mysteriously. "Never mind that."
Kai grunted. "Whatever."
He turned on his heel, scarf fluttering behind him dramatically in the lack of wind, and made his way to the door.
"Thanks for the loan, Kai!" Tala called after him.
Kai raised a fist over his head in acknowledgement and walked off.
"Comfortable?" Tala grinned at the last two of his team, Bryan and Spencer, who were currently breaking in his guest chairs. "You two want to be my next clients?"
Bryan snorted. "No way, Tala. Forget it."
"Then get out. I have an appointment."
"With who?"
"Uh uh. Tala's Beydating Association promises full confidentiality."
"Fat chance," Bryan scoffed. "You can spot anybody walking in here a mile away."
"Don't forget the glass walls, Tala."
Tala waved them off. "So I'll close the blinds." He stood up, ushering them to the door. "Now, really, get out, guys."
"Gee, thanks, Tala," Spencer said.
"Yeah, see if we help you move next time."
"You know you love me for it," he said, giving them a final shove out the door. "And thanks for helping me move. That basement was getting stuffy."
"Yeah, whatever, Tala," Bryan called back.
Tala let the door ease closed and studied the walls to his office. Spencer did have a point after all.
'I'll have to tint the windows,' he thought to himself as he walked to the corner of the room and pulled the blind cord; effectively shutting half the room off from the rest of the world.
As he moved to close the blinds on the other side of the room, he noticed his next client approaching. Quickly flicking the blinds closed, he hurried to the door, and pulled it open for her with a flourish.
"Hi, you're right on time," he greeted as he held the door open. Mentally, he grimaced. He'd have to think of a better welcome for next time, but, hey, nobody expected him to be especially friendly, anyway.
"Of course I'm on time," Emily glared up at him through her thick glasses with an indignant scowl. "And I can open my own door, you know. If you think buttering me up will make me lower my standards to be nice, you've got another thing coming."
With that, she stalked past him and plonked herself onto one of the chairs on the opposite side of his desk.
'This one's gonna be easy,' Tala thought sarcastically to himself as he settled himself into his seat and opened his new laptop.
"So, what can I do for you?" he asked, fishing in his desk drawer for an application form.
"Judy said I should get out more, so I want a date." She pushed her glasses up her nose and sniffed. "That's what you do, isn't it?"
Tala fought a glare; he'd read somewhere that you weren't allowed to attack paying customers, but once he found whoever made up that rule and fed him to Wolborg, he figured he could do whatever he wanted.
"That's what it says on my door," he said instead, handing over a pen. "I just need you to fill out this questionnaire. Be as honest as you can."
She stared at the pen like it was a foreign object, more used to typing than writing by hand. Silently, she began filling it out.
Meanwhile, Tala busied himself with logging on to the database he'd compiled over the past few months of business on all the bladers in the BBA, voluntary or otherwise.
Emily handed him the form and sat back uneasily in her chair as he skimmed it over.
"Let's see…you're looking for a…man?" Tala put down the paper and eyed her sceptically. "Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure," she snapped.
"Okay, okay, just checking," Tala placated. "This makes it easier, at least."
He got out of his chair before she could question him and wandered over to the filing cabinet in the left corner. He crouched down and pulled on the lowest drawer. It slid open with little protest, revealing a dark brown cardboard box that looked like it had previously made its home in a pile of dust.
Tala smiled at Emily as he lifted it out of the drawer and set it down on his desk. "Haven't finished organising yet," he explained as he lifted the box lid.
A cloud of dust exploded from its belly and attacked Tala in the face. Fighting the urge to have a coughing fit, he waved his hand in front of his face, dispelling the dust. Peering into the box, he spotted a single sheet of white paper next to a dead moth.
"Ah, how about Kenny?"
Emily was not amused.
"Is this because I have glasses and like to research? Just because I have glasses and like research doesn't mean I want to date other people with glasses that like research! I should have known this would be a waste of time!" she ranted, moving to stand.
"Whoa, wait. I didn't mean it like that," Tala hurried to reassure her. "It's just that…are you sure you're straight?"
Emily's scowl deepened. Tala held up a hand to hold back what would probably be a very scathing retort.
"Hear me out. It's just that in my four years on the circuits, I haven't met a straight blader yet." Emily eyed him curiously, and he took that as a signal to continue. "Statistically, there is a two percent chance of a beyblader being heterosexual. That's why I had to ask."
"State your source."
"Experience," Tala smirked. "I'd show you my pie chart, but that would be breeching my confidentiality agreements with my clients."
Emily looked sceptical. "Well, what about Kenny?"
"I said two percent, not zero. Besides, you have to admit, he's not so much a blader as a…a…" He circled his wrist, trying to come up with a polite term for it. "…a nerd." He shrugged. "Listen, I'll set something up for you. I think you'll be more comfortable getting to know your prospects online first and chatting for a while." He held up a hand to forestall the protests he knew were coming. "Trust me, it's the best way. And it has nothing to do with your status as computer geek on the All Starz, either. Standard procedure, I promise."
Emily nodded. "Okay."
"Good." He hit a few keys on his laptop and sent something to print. "Here's your new e-mail address so you remain anonymous, my exclusive chat room so you can bitch about whomever I send to you, and a list of rules." Just then, the printer spit out a sheet of paper, which Tala promptly handed over.
Emily raised an eyebrow. "I'm not allowed to ask for details?"
"Just as you want to remain anonymous, so do my other clients. No ASL, no bitbeasts, no personal beyblading stats."
"Then what are we supposed to talk about?"
Tala smirked. "You'll figure it out. When you decide who you like, if they agree, that is, then I'll set up a meet at our Beydating Stadium and you'll blade to see if you're compatible."
"What do you mean?" she asked, curiosity peaked.
"Maybe I'll tell you the story sometime," he replied, mysteriously, standing up and gesturing for her to do the same. "Now get out, it's my lunch break."
With that, he unceremoniously shoved her out the door.
"Whoa!" Tyson exclaimed as the short carrot-top stumbled into his arms and threw him off balance.
Emily blushed and pushed herself off of Tyson, straightening her glasses on her nose and dusting off her clothes. She turned and glared at Tala.
He stared back at her with an innocently blank expression.
She huffed and stalked off.
Tyson stared after her. "What was that all about?"
"Oh, she was supposed to help me with my database," Tala lied, smoothly. "She was annoying me."
Tyson shrugged, grabbing Tala's arm.
"C'mon. Kai's buying us and Ray and Maxie lunch."
"Does Kai know about this?" Tala wondered.
"Nope!" Tyson grinned cheekily.
He and Kai were the quietest people at the table, but with the combined forces of Daichi and Tyson's eating habits, Hilary's yelling, Kenny's attempted placating, Max's giggling and Ray's cackling, theirs was easily the loudest table in the whole restaurant. Tala could feel the eyes of all the other patrons on them and, while it didn't bother him in the slightest, he knew Kai had to be getting uncomfortable. And when Kai got uncomfortable, he had a habit of disappearing. And if he did disappear, well, that left Tala splitting the bill with the rest of the Bladebreakers, and, face it, he knew that half of them didn't have any money anyway.
That's why he was glad that he'd stolen one of Kai's credit cards yesterday. Knowing how often Kai even bothered to spend his fortune –never- let alone keep track of his cards, the guy wouldn't notice for a few weeks well.
Which begged the question of why Kai bothered to apply for credit cards in the first place, but Tala would rather not attempt to venture into that twisted psyche. It simply would take too long, even for his superior brain power.
Tala smirked smugly, patting the pocket in which he'd stashed the card. He hid the smirk behind his glass of water and pretended to be interested in the Bladebreakers' antics when Kai narrowed his eyes at him suspiciously.
If there was one thing he was thankful to Boris for, it was the part of the cyberisation process that made it so damn easy to figure out Kai's PIN numbers. And even if he couldn't figure them out, he could just as easily forge Kai's signature to 99.98 accuracy. The only times he ever had a problem, really, was when store clerks recognised him as Tala and weren't star struck enough to not notice the name on the card.
He hated those clerks.
The sudden lull in chatter at the table drew Tala out of his musings. It seemed Tyson had gone to the bathroom and Hilary, with nothing to complain about, had turned to discuss something with Kenny at a regular decibel level; probably something about beyblades since the little nerd spoke of nothing else.
At this impromptu little Bladebreakers reunion, Tala was most certainly the odd man out, but he didn't mind for he could use the time to check on his other clients.
Max and Ray were one of his first ever matches, as much as it had hurt him since he'd had a crush on Ray at the time. But to be truthful, Tala had crushes on a lot of people a lot of the time, and he could tell that Max would make Ray happier than he ever could, so he didn't mind as much.
Looking at them now, however…
Tala stared at them critically as they talked among themselves, taking every word, every gesture, and every flicker of the eyes and storing it away in a file in his memory for later scrutiny. He wasn't sure exactly what had changed, but he knew one thing for certain: some of the spark was gone.
'A fight, maybe?' Tala scratched his chin contemplatively as the tacky bell above the restaurant door chimed a prelude to the sudden insurgence of beybladers. And if the door chime was a prelude, then the offensive noise coming out of Rick's ghetto blaster was a frigging overture, and Max's head craned in the direction of the door faster than Kenny's pathetic blade when Tala Novae Roged his ass.
'Interesting,' Tala thought, as he watched Max's eye follow a certain All Star around the restaurant. From the inevitable confrontation with an enraged manager at the entrance, at which point the music had to be shut off, to their wandering through the main restaurant and spotting the Bladebreakers (more like Max jumping up to wave them over frantically), to the usual blader banter session that usually followed up these coincidental meetings.
What was even more interesting was the fact that Ray didn't even seem to notice the arrival of a rival for his boyfriend's attention. Was he oblivious or did it not matter anymore?
Not long after the All Starz commandeered a table and joined it up with the Bladebreakers' table, the bell rang again, heralding the arrival of Mystel, Brooklyn and that dick, Garland, from Team BEGA. He still hadn't forgiven the guy for putting him a coma all those months ago, and from the growl coming from next to him, Kai hadn't quite forgiven Brooklyn his misdeeds either. But Kai was an entirely unforgiving person, so that was a given.
But Mystel… suddenly the neko half of Tala's faltering pair had found something, or someone, much more interesting than the rest of the lowly life forms he was dining with.
Tala smirked as his superior brain came to the conclusion that if Max and Ray did split up, it would be on mutual grounds.
"What'cha thinkin' about?" came a high-pitched voice curiously behind him, snapping him out of his reverie.
"None of your business, twerp, I'm busy."
"But I wanna know!" the little redhead whined. "This is boring." Tala suspected it would be for the kid. Kai had already paid the bill, effectively cutting off their table's access to the kitchens. All that was left was raucous chit-chat between teams as the All Starz and BEGA had their fill. "C'mon! Battle me! You owe me a battle, Tala!"
Tala could remember no such thing, and his brain was better than Batman's best supercomputer. Tenfold.
Why he was thinking about Batman, he had no idea. Maybe it was time for a memory dump after all.
"Can it, kid. Didn't your dad ever teach you to keep quiet when adults are talking?"
Daichi shrunk back for a second, looking oddly pained, and Tala wondered about that briefly, but just as soon as the expression was there, it was gone and Daichi was back to his loud, defiant self once again. If Tala weren't so observant, he'd have thought he imagined it. "Whadda you know? You don't know anything about my dad! You don't even have a dad! Besides, you're not even talking!"
Tala crossed his arms and looked away. "Whatever," he snorted. This whole scene was beginning to annoy him, anyway. He stood up, nodding a goodbye to Kai as he pushed his chair under the table and turned to leave. A few steps away from the table, he looked over his shoulder at the still-seething Daichi and smirked. "Well, kid? Are we battling or not?"
The kid's face lit up and he bounded towards him, grabbing his hand and straining to pull him towards the door at faster than a stroll. Kai raised an eyebrow at him; Tala just rolled his eyes and shrugged. Blading happened to helped him think and Daichi was a convenient opponent. It wasn't like he was doing the kid a favour or anything. Why was he justifying this to himself, anyway?
"Let go of my hand, kid, before I decide to change my mind."