I said I'd retired from fan fiction.

That doesn't mean I can't post rediscovered gems.

Legolas' Diary

By Legolas Greenleaf

Before you start reading this, let me tell you some stuff. I found this when I moved house. I wrote it in 2003, and it's now 2011, which gives you an idea of how much younger I was. I'd never read a Lord of the Rings book and I barely 'got' the films I'd seen, so don't take this seriously! I was a daft kid with a crush on Orlando Bloom and a weird hatred for the character of Aragorn and I've posted it merely for the fun of it, it made my friends at university laugh their heads off and has become something of an in-joke now with many people I know. Anything you genuinely don't get, ask me about, and I'll be happy to clear it up for you. Just ignore any glaring inaccuracies, details, continuity, anything, because I'm a grown woman now and I know it's riddled with errors. It's supposed to be.

Day 1

Fought with Aragorn even though we hadn't set off. He thought Pareth Pates was better than Sill Soung! No man singer is any good. I mean, the lyrics are pants! 'It could happen to any fluffy puss'. Rubbish or what? Sill is better! His best song is 'Neverlean'. It's great.

Aragorn is snoring. He snores like Sauron, and his breath smells like that of Saruman.

Day 5

Merry and Pippin have scoffed my bread! Last night, though, they paid. I suffered from it too, though. That was so unfair! They just couldn't stop pumping! There was green haze in the air by morning.

Sam overslept. Had to fire an arrow into his bum. Used a bandaid, but at least it woke him up.

Day 12

Boromir the Boring died yesterday. Got shot by three arrows. Still going strong after two, though. Too sad to write any more.

Day 17

Frodo fell over and Sam shouted at me as if it was MY fault! He actually tripped over a stone and cracked the ring. Sam made such a fuss over Frodo that you'd think he was about to die. Us elves never fall over, but that's hobbits for you!

Day 21

Galadriel gave me some arrows and a bow. They're now my lucky bow and quiver of arrows. I've just decided that even though I got them yonks ago. But today, they killed thirty seven nasty pasty bad things! Cool or what?

I swear my quiver keeps refilling.

Day 22

Baaaaad day. Arrows were rubbish. Flew 90ยบ right from where I aimed them.

Day 25

Forgot to tell you that the fellowship broke up after Boz died. Stuck with a slow dwarf and a Pareth-lover. Still, at least THEY don't nick my bread!

Gimli is our dwarf and he's like a tortoise. But he's better than you-know-what. He's now my friend.

That thing asked me a dumb question about Sauron last night. He asked me if I had any of his records! Like - hello?

Day 39

Haven't written for ages. Nothing's really happened. Oh, except we thought Merry and Pippin had been killed and Aragorn kicked a Urak-Hai head and roared then found hobbit tracks. They led into Fangorn Forest, but I wasn't going in there! Not on your nelly!

Day 43

Guess what? I can fly.

The weirdo wolves of Isengard came and I ran ahead of these people on horses I was with and I shot some then I grabbed Gimli's horse's neck and was about to get on one way but then I had this urge to fly round the other way then flip into the air and land sitting on the horse. So that's what I automatically did.

Arathing said I was just showing off. Yeah, right. Nobody can 'show off' accidentally.

But maybe Arathing can.

Day 47

You-know-what messed up my bow. I picked it up to fire at this deer for our lunch and found it sticky and bent! Gimli says he saw That Beast firing arrows ages ago. And then it hit me!

It'd been swapping my good arrows for man-crafted ones. That was why my arrows were going all over the place. Then, that night, he must have given me my fine elven arrows back, and when I used them, they refilled again. Just like always.

Gimli promises he hasn't seen It near my bow since, but I suspect the little creep.

Day 52

Met Galadriel again today. She said that if I kept being a good archer, I'd be able to become famous, but only if I wanted to. I'd like to be a brilliant archer, but I think I'd prefer to be well-known in my home town, Rivendell, only.

Day 56

I am about thirty miles from Rivendell. I will head for home, as we are sick of this now. Can't wait to see my parents, Pegolas and Rosegolas, again. I'm also looking forward to seeing my best buddy, Selrond, again.

We are in Helm's Deep with some other humans, and some expect a war. Tosh!

Day 60

I spoke too soon!

Last night was the biggest battle I'd ever seen, or fought in, should I say!

My fat, ugly twin brother Fatolas came and fought with us. That is, on our side. Sadly, he got stabbed in the back and popped his clogs. Shame. Who'm I kidding? I'm euphoric! I hated the pig! I never spoke of him, but now Aragorn- blast! Arawhatdyoucallhim FINALLY said we could go, I suppose I'll have to break the 'terrible' news to Mom and Pop.

I managed to kill one hundred and eighty-six 'things' last night, out of ten thousand. Still pretty good though.

Whooo! Legolas power!

Day 63

I've met this girl called Arwen. Well, I've met her before, but we spent a couple of days with her. She led us back on course towards Rivendell. It wants to go and live with Arwen. I expected her to say "Sorry, A******, but I can't live with you because I'm still living with my dad." or something like that. But she said "Of course!"

TRICKED YOU! Then Arathingy said "Really?" and Arwen said "No. Sorry." and left. Ary wasn't amused, so he took it out on us.

Day 66

I'm home! Mum and Dad are pleased I'm back. I casually mentioned to them that Fatolas was dead, and they had a party. We invited Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli and A*****n, (Mum invited him) but Gandalf, Arwen, Elrond, Galadriel, Treebeard and even Gollum. (Treebeard is an Ent of Fangorn Forest who Merry and Pippin met and Gollum is a thing that Frodo and Sam met.)

Arwen told me in secret that she hates It, and will not marry It properly. She also says she has no friends. So we shook hands and now Arwen is my best friend. NOT girlfriend, just friend friend.

Elrond brought his Sill Soung CD and Arwen brought her Brusted one. Even Pippin brought a Savril Chaveen CD and we danced to ('we' being everyone except me) Neverlean, Year 1500, You Said Yes, H8er Boi and Constipated.

The party ended at one in the morning, and when everyone had gone I went out on the veranda and watched Rivendell by night. It's beautiful.

I must have fallen asleep, because I was suddenly lying on the veranda in the daytime, soaked. At first, I just said; "Well, even the best of us have our accidents." But then I saw our veranda. And all of Rivendell. It had rained whilst I was asleep! Oh, well, even elves make mistakes sometimes.

Legolas Greenleaf

If you enjoyed this, why not visit "Throwing a party after casually mentioning that Fatolas has died." on FB in its honour.