The Ballad of Father Byrne
Surprising consequences: That is the theme of this tale.
Take a five-a-side football game for example. Who would have thought that someone cheating in a football match would lead to someone else receiving a kick up the arse?
Or that a simple kick up the arse would lead to mental collapse?
These were the consequences of a priests' over 70s five-a-side match between Rugged Island and Craggy Island.
The recipient of the kick up the arse was none other than Bishop Len Brennan, and it was that kick that led to him having a complete mental breakdown. That deterioration led to Bishop Brennan retiring from his position within the church and moving to a quiet island retreat as many miles from Craggy Island as he could get.
This of course led to a vacancy for a bishop.
The man who instigated the arse-kicking in the first place was Father Dick Byrne of the parish of Rugged Island.
While Bishop Brennan was on his mental slide, things were going a wee bit pear-shaped for Father Dick.
One of his parochial housemates, Father Jim Johnson turned out to be actually dead instead of merely mimicking being dead after drinking a bit too much bleach.
His other companion, Father Cyril MacDuff received a blow to the head after falling off his skateboard shortly after Father Johnson's funeral. This blow caused a sudden and miraculous burst of intelligence within Father Cyril, and he left the priesthood to join Microsoft.
With his parochial house in tatters, and with only his overzealous, coffee-mad housemaid for company, Father Byrne was not a happy bunny.
What's more, taunting and irritating his opposite number on Craggy Island was already getting a bit old when Father Jim died.
He felt he needed a new challenge, a fresh approach.
It was while he was sitting on his sofa, contemplating the empty chairs around him that he received a phone call from Bishop O'Ryng.
"Father Byrne" said the Bishop, "It is with sad news that I call you today. Bishop Brennan has retired from the church. It seems there was an incident of sorts on Craggy Island involving Father Crilly and himself a little while ago and it has been playing on his mind."
"Oh that is sad news" said Father Byrne "Has he said what he's going to do?"
"Apparently he's decided to retire to the Greek island of Mykonos and devote his days to watercolour painting ", replied the Bishop.
"Well ,I hope that he's happy there. He certainly deserves a rest" Father Dick had to quickly stifle a giggle and compose himself "So I presume the Church is going to have to shuffle people around to fill the vacuum created by Bishop Brennan's exit"
"That's the thing Dick: there is now a gap in the church hierarchy and candidates are being sought to fill it" Stated Bishop O'Ryng.
"You mean to say that there is now a vacancy?" replied Father Dick.
"That's exactly it father" Bishop O'Ryng responded, "And seeing as you've suffered some losses recently, what with Father Johnson dying and Father MacDuff's..revelation, I thought you could well do with a change of scenery so to speak. If you have no objections, I would like to forward your name as a possible candidate."
"Why Bishop O'Ryng I am flattered that you thought of me!" Father Byrne punched the air in silent joy "I would be delighted that you do that. "
"I'll put the wheels in motion Father. Preliminary discussions are underway and as far as I know, there are few people in the picture so to speak, so you could be in with quite a good chance of...an elevation. I'll let you know if they agree to your name being in the running. Bye for now Father."
Dick put the phone back on the cradle and gazed out of the window.
"Bishop Byrne" he mused, "That certainly has a fine ring to it."
One year later
Dick Byrne was sat on the deck of the Limoncello, one of the world's largest cruise ships. It had been a peculiar year. The elevation to Bishop eventually fell onto the broad shoulders of Rocky Island's Father Michael Carr. Dick had always liked Father Mike and had surprised himself when it turned out that he didn't begrudge him the win at all. It was shortly after that that he'd read an advert in the Rugged Island Herald, one of the better of Rugged Island's newspapers. It was from Blue Star Lines, a cruise ship operator, and they wanted entertainers. On a whim he applied: he reckoned his experience at saying Mass might put him in good stead dealing with audiences. To his surprise and astonishment he got to an interview in Cork. He was even more surprised when it transpired that they loved him.
It was a sad day when he left the island and the priesthood behind, but he relished this new adventure.
His first job with Blue Star was aboard the Amaretto, a city-sized cruise liner that sailed from Dublin and was headed to the Caribbean. Initially he was mostly behind the scenes or in the chorus line, in order to gain experience of cruise ship entertaining. One memorable night he got to sing solo. There was no going back: this was his true calling.
It got better when he met Lydia. Lydia worked on the ship in one of the restaurants, but she was on her night off when she caught Dick's solo performance.
Blue Star Lines knew how to treat their staff and when a place became available on the limoncello, their flagship, Lydia had jumped at it. Knowing they were together, they transferred Dick as well and he quickly gained a reputation as a top notch singer and entertainer.
As he sat, considering the craziness of the year gone by, he looked over at the swimming pool. Lydia was merrily swimming away – it was her favourite way of keeping fit aboard ship.
He reached into his pocket and felt the small ring box that Lydia knew nothing about.
She was going to be at tonight's performance, and was in for quite a surprise.
The coming years were looking good.