Disclaimer: Queer as Folk belongs to CowLip and Showtime. The summary is inspired by the poem "This is my life" by Ric S. Bastasa. Quotations are credited individually.
THIS WILL BE LIFE
~Beginnings are often scary, endings are often sad, but it's the middle that counts. You should remember that when you find yourself at the beginning~
-Steven Rogers
I.
"She was like a praying mantis on steroids!" says Brian over the phone, laughing softly. "I almost expected her to tell me to go to my room!"
"She sounds lovely." says Justin, snickering. "What's this, the twenty-third candidate you've interviewed so far?"
"Try forty-fifth," Brian says drily. "Let's face it: I'm never going to find an assistant. I can't believe Melora left so she could have a fucking baby."
"That's just life, Brian. Sometimes people leave to have babies."
"That was so profound, my head's reeling. I think I'll go become a hermit now, and contemplate the transience of the universe."
"You do that," Justin chuckles.
"I'll look you up in one of our next lives," Brian says in a serious voice. "Farewell, young Justin."
"Haha. Bye, Brian. I love you."
"Mmm. Love you."
Justin puts the phone down, smiling slightly. Shaking his head, he heads into the kitchen to check on broccoli-olive-mushroom dish he's been preparing in anticipation for Daphne's arrival. Ever since she turned vegan, cooking for her has been an interesting challenge, and Justin enjoys applying himself to it. The buzzer goes off as he stirs the vegetables in the pan. Turning the flame down, he goes over to the door and presses the button on the buzzer.
"Who is it?"
"It's me!"
"Ethan? What are you doing here? I thought I told you not to come over today!"
"Let me up, man. I can't find that James Blunt album I bought the other day, and I think I left it at your place."
"You didn't. I would've seen it if you had."
"But maybe you didn't! Look, just let me up for five minutes. I promise I'll be out of your hair if I don't find it soon."
"Okay," Justin sighs. "Come on up." Buzzing Ethan in, he unlocks the door, and starts to look around the living room for the album. It doesn't seem to be anywhere immediately in sight.
A minute later, Ethan bursts in, his curly hair windswept.
"Yo!" he says breathlessly by way of greeting. "See it anywhere?"
"Nope," Justin says, emptying the food out of the pan and into a glass container.
"Shit," Ethan says, scurrying around the room. "I need it tonight if I'm going to get lucky with Perry."
"What, he can't get it up unless he's listening to a British man singing in falsetto?"
"No, because he's a romantic," Ethan says in a tone that suggests Justin is a four-year-old. "I'm trying to woo him. Keep up."
"Yeah. Right," laughs Justin. "Woo him. How long's this one going to last?"
"As long as I can make it," Ethan says determinedly.
"So… three weeks?"
"Tops," sighs Ethan. "No, I don't think it's here. Fuck. That stupid CD cost me like twelve bucks." He rummages through the magazines on the coffee table, and sticks his fingers in between the cushions on the sofa.
"Are you done yet?" Justin asks. "Daphne's gonna be here any minute, and I want you out before she gets here. I don't get to see her all the time, you know."
"I know, I know, I know," Ethan says. "It's not here. I'm leaving. Thanks for the warmth and hospitality. I'll see you later."
"Later," says Justin, rolling his eyes at his friend's theatrics.
Food all prepared and ready, he sits down heavily on the sofa and turns on the TV. Five minutes later, his cellphone rings, and he snatches it up and presses the talk button.
"Hey, Daph."
"Hey. I need some directions." She tells him where she is, and he guides her over the phone. Soon, he's buzzing her into the building, and she arrives at his apartment.
"Justin!" she says, smiling broadly and throwing herself at him.
"Hey, Daph!" says Justin, smiling back and hugging her closer. "How was the trip?"
"Pretty tiring," she says, taking off her coat and scarf. "So this is the new place, huh?"
"Yep," Justin says proudly. "What do you think?"
"Great so far," Daphne says. "So, you gonna give me the tour, or what?"
"Come on," says Justin, grinning. He leads her into the kitchen, which is to the left of the door to the apartment. "This is the kitchen. That's our coffee-maker, and that's the microwave, and that's the stove, and that's the sink, and that's the fridge. Oh, and that's the toaster."
"Something smells good," Daphne observes.
"It tastes even better," Justin tells her.
"Why does that sound like an innuendo?"
"Everything sounds like an innuendo to you, Daph."
Daphne shrugs, and follows him back into the living room.
"This is the living room," says Justin. "That's the TV. That's a bunch of decorative shit. That's the sofa. Those are the curtains. That's a chair. That's a foot-stool-thing. That's a plant."
"I'm guessing the 'decorative shit' was Laurie's idea," Daphne says with a laugh.
"How ever did you know?" Justin says, making his eyes big and round. He leads her into the bedroom on the left. "This is Laurie's room. As you can see, it is mostly pink and purple. Okay, I can't stay in here anymore, let's move on." Running back out, he drags Daphne into the room on the right. "This is my room. It's decorated tastefully, and with class."
"And the furniture costs more than the apartment. Brian buy it for you?"
"He gave it to me for my birthday so I couldn't say no. And he says it's not really for me, because he refuses to sleep in a mediocre bed when he comes by," Justin explains with a small laugh. "Come on, let's go eat lunch and we can gossip like old ladies."
"Always an attractive prospect," agrees Daphne.
Once they're ensconced on the sofa with a brimming plate of hot vegan food each, they turn towards each other with matching excited grins.
"So… tell me how come you moved here," Daph says. "You didn't explain it properly on the phone."
"You barely have time to talk on the phone," Justin says. "What happened was that I had started making more money with my art, and Rage was doing well, and I was finally done paying Brian back for college, and – well, the old apartment was for shit. So I was thinking about moving, but I didn't want to leave Laurie behind. God, Daph, that woman is the best roommate anyone could ever ask for. If Brian and I don't work out I think I'll marry her."
"Hey!" Daph says indignantly. "I thought I was next on the list!"
"You're always too busy," Justin says dismissively, and Daphne kicks him on the shin. "Anyway, so I talked to her about it, and it turned out she was making a lot more too since her troupe's production of Angels in America did so well. She said she could probably afford a better place too. So we pooled our resources and moved."
"Who was your realtor?" Daphne said interestedly.
"Some guy called Andrew Darling. Mom told us about him, why?"
"Nothing," says Daphne too quickly. Justin looks at her suspiciously, so she relents. "I'll tell you later. Anyway, tell me more. How's the art going?"
"Great. Greg's been amazing, I've had a bunch of pretty high-profile shows, some commission work from a couple of big companies – and Rage is at an all-time high! It's going pretty awesome, actually." Justin smiles. "What about you?"
"Pretty good, too. I'm nearly done with my Master's, which is why I've been so busy, as you might have guessed," she tells him. "I'm running really low on money though – thank goodness for the college fund Mom and Dad left me – but with the TA job and the proofreading I do on the side, I'm making enough to live by."
"Daph, you know you can come to me if you need –"
"I know, Justin," says Daphne with a smile. "And if I do need, I promise I will."
"You're lucky your parents were so meticulous," Justin says. "They planned for every eventuality, and though I wish what happened didn't happen, I'm glad they planned for it."
"I know," Daphne sighs heavily. "They were great. I fucking miss them all the time." Justin wraps an arm around Daphne, who smiles up at him. "But it's been two years, and they would have wanted me to move on. And I have. Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about." Wriggling out of his grasp, she turns to face Justin.
"You've known me for, what, twelve years now?"
"Yeah," Justin says curiously.
"And how many serious relationships have I had so far?"
"Ummm… how serious do you mean?" Justin asks.
"Serious as in you could really see it going somewhere," she clarifies. "Like there was a possibility I would end up with the guy for real. Marriage. Babies. The works."
"Oh. Well…" begins Justin, at a loss.
"Would you say, about… none?" asks Daphne.
"I don't know… there was that guy Preston…"
"Oh please. We lasted three months and he was boring as hell."
"All right, yeah. None," admits Justin. "But that doesn't mean you won't find someone –"
"Justin! Justin. Listen to me," says Daphne. "I'm not looking for anyone, okay? I am tired as shit of constantly being on the lookout for somebody to spend my life with. I thought about it, and I realized I don't need anyone. If someone just shows up and is perfect, then fine, but I am not wasting any more of my time looking for someone. There's a lot of other things I could be doing with my time instead. And I'm going to. Finding a hubby is not what my life is about."
"Okay," Justin says uncertainly, unsure of whether or not this is a good thing. "So what is your life about?"
"I'm nearly done with my Master's in psychology," Daphne says. "I'm planning go into counseling. You know, solo and group therapy for people with minor adjustment problems. There's a great new rehab clinic in Manhattan that really liked my resume. They said they would hire me the minute I got my degree. I would have to work with younger addicts, only the ones who didn't let their addiction go too far. Just to make sure they understand their addiction, and aren't tempted to relapse, and so that they take an interest in school again and stuff."
"Oh my god," Justin says. "That's awesome! Does that mean you're going to move to New York?"
"Yes," Daphne smiles.
"Oh my fucking god!" Justin says, pulling her into a hug. "That is really, really great news! So when are you going to start looking for a place to live?"
"I was thinking we could give Mr. Andrew Darling a call today, and we could start tomorrow," Daphne says, hugging him back.
"Done," Justin says, inordinately pleased.
"Anyway, that brings me to what I really wanted to talk to you about," Daphne says, pulling back and putting her hands on Justin's shoulders. "I want a baby. And I want you to be the father."
II.
"She wants a baby," says Justin in a panicked voice. "And she wants me to be the father."
"Can't say I didn't see that coming," says Brian with some amusement.
"What?" says Justin in a high pitched voice.
"Relax, Sunshine. Don't hyperventilate."
"I'm too young to be a father. A father, Brian."
"Actually, you're at a pretty decent age," Brian says. "Twenty-five is perfect for fatherhood. You're financially secure, well-established in your career, and active enough to be able to take an interest in raising your child. Long-term, the generation gap between you and your child will be just enough to establish authority without undermining closeness. It's fucking tailor-made. Taylor-made." He snickers.
"Why are you trying to talk me into this?" squeaks Justin.
"Because it's fucking hilarious," says Brian, laughing. "God, first my fucking assistant, and now Daphne. Babies are taking over the world."
"You had one too, you know," Justin laughs.
"Well, he's not a baby anymore," Brian says smugly. "Look, Sunshine, fatherhood's not exactly a walk in the park, but it has its rewards. Just… give it some thought, okay?"
"I haven't given anything else any thought since she asked me," Justin says. "But thanks for the advice. And for laughing at my expense. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Goodnight, Sunshine," Brian says.
"Night. Love you."
"You too."
Pressing the End Call button, Justin flops onto his back and gazes at the ceiling.
III.
"You're gonna have a kid?"
"I haven't said yes yet!"
"Yet," says Hunter, narrowing his eyes. "So you're gonna have a kid."
"I'm… considering it," Justin says, gazing around the coffee shop in an effort to not meet Hunter's eyes.
"Wait, so are you going to be a part of this kid's life, or are you just donating sperm?"
"Well, if I decide to be the father, I think I'd want to be a part of the kid's life," Justin says. "That's why it's such a huge decision."
"Exactly," Hunter says. "And she's moving to New York, which is fine for now, but weren't you planning on going back to Pittsburgh someday?"
"Yeah," sighs Justin. "Like two years ago. And then it got pushed further and further back, and I just don't know when it's going to happen –"
"So you mean you might just stay here?"
"Well, I know for sure I can't leave yet," Justin says thoughtfully. "Not with Greg busting his ass getting me all these great shows. Not for another year at least. And by that time something else might come up."
"Something else will always come up," Hunter says flatly. "What really makes a difference is whether or not you want to go back home. If you really wanted to, you would have."
"Shit," says Justin, running a hand across his face. "You're right."
"I know I am," says Hunter smugly. "I'm a smart fucker. I made a three point eight last semester, ya know."
"I know you're smart, you conceited bastard. You got into Columbia," Justin says. "But anyway, so now we know that I like it here in New York, and that I might want to stay. So that leaves one question…"
"…'What about Brian?'" Hunter finishes for him.
"Yeah," says Justin heavily. "What about Brian?"
IV.
"I can't believe you and Brian lasted this long, to be honest."
"You've told me. Repeatedly, and with feeling."
"I don't know. I know we didn't work out, but before we broke up I thought we were pretty happy," Ethan exhales some smoke before continuing: "Brian was never your type, I thought. Too smug. And old. And not romantic enough."
"We didn't just not work out," Justin says. "You slept with some groupie."
"What ever, Justin," Ethan says, rolling his eyes. "That's not even the point. The point is if you're never going back to Pittsburgh, then you need to stop hanging on to this non-relationship with Brian."
"It's not a non-relationship," Justin says indignantly. "We're partners. It's an established fact."
"You sleep around."
"So does he. Sex is possibly the least important aspect of staying in a relationship."
"But neither of you gets jealous!" Ethan argues. "What kind of love is that?"
"The best kind," Justin says, shaking his head. "Because we trust each other not to run off at the first sign of someone else to fuck. Unlike you, I might add."
"You know, I didn't think you were still so hung up over that."
"I'm not hung up, you asshole. I'm just making a point. My open relationship with Brian is better than our exclusive relationship, in which you cheated on me."
"He cheats on you too," Ethan says. "That's my point. He just… happens to tell you."
"Exactly. Honesty. That's what makes a relationship work."
"Not just honesty. A little self-restraint would help."
"Says the man who cheated the second some idiot drooled over his violin," retorts Justin.
"Oh, get over it."
"Where the fuck did you buy this pot?" Justin says, coughing. "You've given me some shitty joints in the past few years, but this takes the fucking cake."
"I know. I need to get a new guy. My old one's been supplying me this crap for a few months now." Ethan looks at the joint disgustedly before going on: "So anyway. The thing is, if you do this thing, you're probably going to end up in a semi-permanent long-distance relationship."
"Don't knock the long-distance thing," Justin warns. "I don't think Brian and I ever communicated this well before."
"And he says the relationship's a healthy one," Ethan tells his joint sarcastically. The joint withholds comment. "What have you told Daphne?"
"I said I'd think about it," Justin says. "And we haven't had a chance to talk about it since. We looked at some apartments for her today, then I had lunch with Hunter while she went to meet a relative or something, and now she's out with Laurie. Anyway," he continues, leaning back on the sofa, "None of this shit about Brian and me would matter if it wasn't for this baby thing."
"Hmmm. The baby." Ethan says. "So… are you going to?"
Justin sighs.
"Fuck if I know," he says, taking a long drag from his joint and closing his eyes.
V.
"I'm not doing it," Justin says into the phone that night.
"Oh," Brian says, sounding nonplussed. "Um… what aren't you doing?"
"You know. Having Daphne's baby."
"What?" says Brian, bursting into laughter. "I didn't know that was one of the options!"
"You know what I mean. I'm not going to be the father."
"Okay," Brian says patiently. "Why not?"
"I'm just not ready for it," Justin says, gazing at the wall. "I wouldn't make a good father."
"That's bullshit and you fucking know it, Sunshine," Brian says impatiently. "You're brilliant with kids. Gus loves you. JR loves you. Every kid you've ever met loves you."
"I just don't want to have one, okay?" Justin says, pouting. "Can we just leave it at that?"
"Justin, you stupid fuck," Brian says. "Do you really think I don't know what this is about?"
"No," says Justin, a definite whine in his voice. "But I know what you'll say. And I don't agree. So why don't we just sidestep the issue and pretend we don't think I'm ready?"
"Because you're ready," sighs Brian. "And you want a kid. And this might be your only chance. And you love Daphne, so if you're going to have a kid, you want it to be with her."
"Yeah, but I want you more than I want a kid, okay Brian?" Justin says crossly. "So if it's a choice, I choose you. The end. No arguments. No pushing me away. I already came to New York because you're a fucking mule, but if you think I'm going to stay here forever because of some baby, when I could be coming back home to you, you're out of your mind."
"I don't want you to regret anything," Brian says quietly.
"I'd regret staying away from you." Justin tells him.
"Have the fucking kid, Justin," Brian entreats. "You'll love being a dad. You're a natural at it."
"I'm also a natural at being in love with you. So just give it up."
"How much do you want to come back to Pittsburgh?" Brian says. "Would you want to come back here if it weren't for me?"
"This isn't going to work a second time, Brian!" Justin argues.
"No, listen to me Justin," Brian says firmly. "Are you listening?"
"Yes, goddamn it. I'm listening."
"Do you want to come back for Pittsburgh? Or for me?"
"I can live without Pittsburgh," Justin says. "But not without you."
"Okay," Brian says, exhaling. "So… how about if I move to New York?"
A/N: If you liked it, leave a review :)