Chapter one
Samantha stared outside the window. She watched as the crystallized water fell from the sky, illuminating the sky in pink. New York City was covered in a blanket of thick, white snow. Although New York was busy, the calming quiet that Samantha envisioned gave her something to contemplate on.
"Samantha?"
Samantha heard her name. She was reluctant to acknowledge the familiar voice. She didn't want to leave her reverie. It was peaceful there. It was a place she would go to often to feel happiness. It was the kind of happiness that everybody should experience in a conscious state. And yet, the only way Samantha felt that way was to snap into another reality that resembled her façade. It made her feel something that she hadn't quite experienced in a while. What? She didn't know.
"Sam?" Martin's voice carried concern. His eyebrow was furrowed.
Samantha turned to face Martin. It was hard to breathe in the real world; she wanted to go back to her trance. She remembered things in the real world. Things that was better off kept secret. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? The only thing she wanted was to be invisible. She wanted to forget. All Martin was doing was staring at her. He was postponing Dreamland. She wasn't trying to act happy or content; it could win her an Oscar if she had to. Instead, she settled with blankly staring at him.
Martin's heart fluttered. What was wrong with Samantha? Around the time he broke up with her, she seemed distracted to the point of exhaustion and bewilderment. She wasn't herself. Although Martin wanted nothing more than to hold her, he couldn't. She wasn't his to hold. All he could do was sit back and watch as Samantha shut herself off to the outside world; it was all she would allow him to do.
Martin had to admit that he felt something for her. He wasn't sure if it was love. But whatever it was drew him near her. Although he broke up with her, it didn't mean that he was completely apathetic to her feelings.
"Did you hear me?"
Samantha lowered her eyes in annoyance. She didn't know what he said. Was he talking about calling her name? Or was he talking about something else? She was annoyed because of the fact that she didn't hear him, and it wasn't just him lately…it was everybody. She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. Finally, Samantha nodded her head. She had always felt this way, but lately it was worse!
Martin sat down on Samantha's desk and stared at her with affection. He lowered his voice. "I asked you if you were alright."
"Oh," was all that Samantha said. She gave him a fake smile. "Yeah, I'm fine." Samantha wanted to tell him about her thoughts, feelings, and superfluous memory, but it wasn't his burden to bare. It was her problem and nobody else's.
Martin just sighed and held out his hand to hand Samantha a piece of paper. "Can you find out anything you can on Jason Lafferty? He was the last person to see Mindy."
Right. Mindy. The missing person, Samantha thought. She took the paper from Martin's hand without looking at him. She swiveled her chair so that she was facing her computer. She felt Martin's lingering eyes on her. She couldn't take this. Other people were starting to notice her uncanny behavior.
Martin lingered in Samantha's presence for a moment before turning on his heels. He walked up to Danny who was sitting at the conference table. "Okay, Sam's looking up Lafferty for us."
Danny stared at Martin before turning his attention to Samantha. She was sitting at her desk scanning the screen. She twirled a pen between her fingers. She looked lost. He nodded towards her and said, "Does she seem different to you?"
Martin let out a sigh of relief before throwing himself in a seat beside Danny. "I thought it was just me."
"No, she hasn't been talking to anybody anymore. It's like she's here physically, but her mind is elsewhere."
Martin sighed once more before looking towards Samantha. She had the same blank look on her face as before. He turned back around to face Danny. "I don't know about you, but I'm worried about her."
"Me too," was all Danny could say. He didn't know what to say. Everything worth saying had already been said. Everything worth knowing was already known.
With another look outside, Samantha got out of her chair and went to Danny and Martin. When she reached the guys, she took a seat next to Martin handing the paper back to him. "A few months ago, Jason robbed a convenient store. It turns out that Mindy was working at the same one. I was thinking that maybe he came back to shut her up. She was supposed to testify at the trial."
"Nice," Danny said jumping out of his seat. He walked over to Jack's office.
Samantha gave Martin a small smile before she got up. She cringed when she felt a familiar hand gently grasp her wrist. She stopped immediately to stare at Martin. She didn't want his sympathy; she only wanted to be alone.
"Samantha…what's wrong?"
Samantha wrestled her wrist away from Martin's grip. She shoved her hands in her pockets and stared at him. "Nothing," she whispered.
Martin stood up and ventured next to her. He looked down before meeting her gaze. "Sam, you've been acting different." He paused. "And I'm not the only person who thinks so."
Samantha stepped back as to not be next to Martin. She looked at her feet and wiggled her toes in her shoes. She felt tears sting the back of her eyeballs. "I don't know," she said in a low, quiet voice to the point where Martin had to strain to hear her. She was lying; she knew what was wrong. It was the haunting memory that plagued even her nightmares.
Martin looked as helpless as Samantha felt.
Samantha stared at Martin. It was true that she still had major feelings for Martin, but she knew that getting back with Martin was not enough to send her out of her depression. She didn't know what would help, and as far as she was concerned, she had absolutely no reason to bounce back.
Martin looked at Samantha and saw nothing in her eyes. There was no sadness or anger. There wasn't any fear or anxiety. She was ice just like it had been for some time now. He wasn't sure what to do. He just gave her a worried smile. "Okay," he said gently. "If you don't want to talk, then I won't make you." He continued to stare at Samantha. She still had her hands in her pockets as if they were hiding a part of her. She simply gave a weak smile before slowly turning to the bathrooms.
Samantha had made her way to the restroom. She leaned against the sink and stared at herself in the mirror, disgusted by what she saw. Her color had somewhat drained from her face. Her eyes betrayed her by giving away the fact that she hadn't had much sleep at all. She just stared at herself unblinking. Her mind had wondered to Dreamland where anything was possible.
"Sam?" came an accented voice.
Samantha whipped her head towards the bathroom door to see Elena staring at her. Concern had invaded her beautiful face. She just smiled at her and looked down to wash her hands. She had no idea what to do; however, she did know that she wanted to forget again. Forgetting was better than remembering. She was suffocating, and there was nobody to be her oxygen supply.
Elena walked up beside her friend and placed a hand on her back. "You want to talk about it?"
She loved Elena. She had been a great friend. But right now, she didn't want any attention. She didn't want compassion, so she said the only thing that would get people to stop the constant questioning she got lately. "I'm just a little tired, I guess."
Elena didn't believe her. There was no reason to at least not with the way she'd been acting. But she learned not to press Samantha. If she wanted to talk, then she would open up. "Okay, well if you need anything, then you know where to find me."
Samantha smiled. "Thanks, but I'm good." There was no way that she could tell her; she had a hard time telling herself.
"You sure?" Elena said beginning to run her hand over Samantha's back.
Samantha looked at herself in the mirror before saying, "Yeah, I'm sure."
Elena motioned her head towards the door. "Well, we need you. We think we might know where Mindy is."
Samantha smiled. "Lead the way."
The air was cold and quiet. All six agents had their guns pointed to the ground with SWAT behind them. They slowly stalked towards the entrance. They split up in separate directions.
Samantha held her gun in front of her along with her flashlight. Her eyes scanned carefully for Jason and Mindy. She couldn't hear anything, not even her team members. It was silence. Then the terrifying sound of a gun clicking filled Samantha's ears.
Jason stood in front of her with his gun fixed on Samantha. She saw the gun, but she didn't shoot. She didn't know why. She secretly hoped that Jason would fire the gun. Then she wouldn't feel anything. She would be numb to the poignant pain. She gave out a little chuckle at her thought of suicide. Maybe it wouldn't look like suicide to anybody. That just made her smile increase.
Suddenly, somebody jumped from the shadows and hit Jason over the head. Jason fell to the ground causing his gun to fly from his hands.
Samantha gave Martin a smile as he slapped the cuffs on Jason's wrists. Secretly, Samantha was angry at Martin. Why did he stop Jason? Why doesn't he just leave her alone? Samantha walked away from Martin's worried glances choosing to ignore Martin's look.
XxX
"Sam, I was just calling to let you know that Mom's house has been sold…to a nice couple…actually," Emily stated over the answering machine.
Samantha sighed and walked towards the kitchen reaching for a bottle of wine. Without grabbing a glass, she made her way to the couch. She scanned her bookshelf for nothing in particular. It was just to keep her eyes busy. She didn't want to read. She didn't' want to watch TV. She didn't want to take a bath. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to sleep. She stared at the bottle before taking a drink of her wine.
Samantha kept staring at the books. She groaned when she realized that she had to go to work tomorrow morning, another long day of exhaustion and annoyance. She felt like she was in a fishbowl at work. She was under the constant scrutiny of everybody's worried stares. All she wanted was to be left alone. She didn't want any attention on her. She didn't want any pity from anybody. She wanted to hide in a sheath that clouded out everybody's worried glances.
Not only was everybody's stare unbearable but she realized that she was a prisoner in her own body. She was lethargic and weak. She had a new ache every day. Her desire to do anything had ceased to exist. She was exhausted, yet she couldn't sleep. She lie awake every night trying to force her brain to stop running the movie that was so painfully detailed.
Samantha took the last drink of the wine before glancing at the clock which read 2:47am. She sighed lowering her eyes on the full bottle of Aspirin that sat on the coffee table. She reached out for them. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to swallow the whole bottle and end her suffering. On the other side, killing herself would be the stupidest thing to do. Samantha chuckled. Why was she thinking about killing herself? It wasn't the first time today. Actually, it wasn't even the tenth time.
Samantha reached for the bottle and opened the cap. She stared at it. Her body began to shake. She poured a handful of pills in her hand. She stared at them. Silent tears ran down her cheeks. I don't have to think about it, anymore, she thought.
-Flashback-
Samantha sat on the couch laughing at the cartoon that had been her babysitter for too long. It was dark outside. The bright moon and stars illuminated Kenosha. Emily was gone; she was at a friend's house. Her mother was passed out in her bedroom…too drunk to breathe.
-End Flashback-
Samantha brought the pills closer and closer to her mouth. She wanted the memory to stop. She wanted the pain to relinquish its tight hold on her.
She could taste the pills. It was as if relief washed over her body.
XxX
Don't worry…it's not all depressing.