Daddy Sevvie
(AN: Muahahahahaha!!! I just LOVE to torture Snape! He's actually my favorite character. Sorry of he's a bit OOC in this. For some reason, in all of my humor fics, everyone is automatically OOC. I don't know why. Anywho, here goes nothing.)
Chapter 1
"Ooohhh. My head." said Snape as he held his forehead, trying to dull the incredibly painful headache. He had gotten very drunk the night before, and, well... spent the night with a prostitute. "Scarlet Women" he called them. He would normally do nothing of the sort, but, alchohol can make you do very stupid and strange things. This was one of them. Although he had fallen asleep in bed with one of those "Scarlet Women", he woke up in his rooms at Hogwarts. He had no idea what had happened the night before, or, what he had done. He thought he had just had a little too much to drink. The light burned his eyes as he reluctently opened them to the morning. After having his morning coffe, which helped to dull the pain from his hangover, he prepared his morning lesson. Today was with Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. He rifled through his books, trying to find a good potion to teach them. After deciding on a color changing potion, he gathered up the info he would need for it and put everything safely in his desk. The next several months went like this. Perfectly normal. But, nine months later, after the school year had ended, Snape was free to do whatever he wanted. Today, he decided that he would just lay around in his boxers and read. This was his idea of fun. Not very exciting. The day went on with him just reading books, practicing some new potions. He even spent half an hour watching two birds fighting over a worm, which was long gone. Then there was a long, drawled out knock at his door. Snape pulled on his robes, grumbling the whole time, and opened the door. There, standing right before him, was the "Scarlet Woman" that he had had his way with that day nine months ago, holding a small bundle in her arms. She was very... well.. not-not-trashy. She was wearing a pure red robe that was torn into the shape of a bra. The only other clothing she was wearing was a white undershirt and a pair of leather pants.
"Who, may I ask, are you?" said Snape in an annoyed tone.
"Don't you remember me?" said the woman in an extremely hoarse voice, like she had been smoking for years.
"I'm glad I don't." said Snape, astonished that the woman thought that he knew her.
"Let me show you." said the woman. With a flick of a very beat up old wand, the woman cast a memory spell on Snape, causing all the memories to come flooding back to him.
"...Oh my god." said Snape as he backed into the wall behind him in shock.
"This thing is not my responsibility." said the woman as she shoved the bundle into his arms.
"What is this!?" yelled Snape.
"Your son." said the woman as she quickly ran away, preventing Snape from giving the bundle back. Snape's mouth literally dropped as he unwrapped the blankets to reveal a small child, no more than a few weeks old. Despite the fact that it had no hair, it looked surprisingly like him. His nose wasn't as crooked and his eyes were blue, but all the facial features were there. At this point, Snape felt as if he wanted to die. He wasn't ready for fatherhood. The child cried as the cold air brushed against hit skin. Snape wanted to cry too, but felt that it would be kind of gay. So, instead he brought the child inside his home, shutting the door behind him. He placed him onto a chair and walked over to a wall where he proceeded to smash his face into it, probably trying to give himself a serious head injury, but to no avail. After deciding that dying would be painful, he picked up a peice of parchment from his deks, picked up his quill and started writing.
"Dear Albus Dumbledore,
HELP ME!!! Come to my home right away! I can't trust anyone else! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Sincerely, Severus Snape"
Snape sent his owl off with the letter, hoping he would get a response quickly. It was then that he realized that the baby was crying. Loudly. He went over to his son and picked him up.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
"I CAN'T DO THIS!!! WHY ME GOD!!?? WHY ME!!??"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
(AN: Muahahahahaha!!! I just LOVE to torture Snape! He's actually my favorite character. Sorry of he's a bit OOC in this. For some reason, in all of my humor fics, everyone is automatically OOC. I don't know why. Anywho, here goes nothing.)
Chapter 1
"Ooohhh. My head." said Snape as he held his forehead, trying to dull the incredibly painful headache. He had gotten very drunk the night before, and, well... spent the night with a prostitute. "Scarlet Women" he called them. He would normally do nothing of the sort, but, alchohol can make you do very stupid and strange things. This was one of them. Although he had fallen asleep in bed with one of those "Scarlet Women", he woke up in his rooms at Hogwarts. He had no idea what had happened the night before, or, what he had done. He thought he had just had a little too much to drink. The light burned his eyes as he reluctently opened them to the morning. After having his morning coffe, which helped to dull the pain from his hangover, he prepared his morning lesson. Today was with Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. He rifled through his books, trying to find a good potion to teach them. After deciding on a color changing potion, he gathered up the info he would need for it and put everything safely in his desk. The next several months went like this. Perfectly normal. But, nine months later, after the school year had ended, Snape was free to do whatever he wanted. Today, he decided that he would just lay around in his boxers and read. This was his idea of fun. Not very exciting. The day went on with him just reading books, practicing some new potions. He even spent half an hour watching two birds fighting over a worm, which was long gone. Then there was a long, drawled out knock at his door. Snape pulled on his robes, grumbling the whole time, and opened the door. There, standing right before him, was the "Scarlet Woman" that he had had his way with that day nine months ago, holding a small bundle in her arms. She was very... well.. not-not-trashy. She was wearing a pure red robe that was torn into the shape of a bra. The only other clothing she was wearing was a white undershirt and a pair of leather pants.
"Who, may I ask, are you?" said Snape in an annoyed tone.
"Don't you remember me?" said the woman in an extremely hoarse voice, like she had been smoking for years.
"I'm glad I don't." said Snape, astonished that the woman thought that he knew her.
"Let me show you." said the woman. With a flick of a very beat up old wand, the woman cast a memory spell on Snape, causing all the memories to come flooding back to him.
"...Oh my god." said Snape as he backed into the wall behind him in shock.
"This thing is not my responsibility." said the woman as she shoved the bundle into his arms.
"What is this!?" yelled Snape.
"Your son." said the woman as she quickly ran away, preventing Snape from giving the bundle back. Snape's mouth literally dropped as he unwrapped the blankets to reveal a small child, no more than a few weeks old. Despite the fact that it had no hair, it looked surprisingly like him. His nose wasn't as crooked and his eyes were blue, but all the facial features were there. At this point, Snape felt as if he wanted to die. He wasn't ready for fatherhood. The child cried as the cold air brushed against hit skin. Snape wanted to cry too, but felt that it would be kind of gay. So, instead he brought the child inside his home, shutting the door behind him. He placed him onto a chair and walked over to a wall where he proceeded to smash his face into it, probably trying to give himself a serious head injury, but to no avail. After deciding that dying would be painful, he picked up a peice of parchment from his deks, picked up his quill and started writing.
"Dear Albus Dumbledore,
HELP ME!!! Come to my home right away! I can't trust anyone else! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Sincerely, Severus Snape"
Snape sent his owl off with the letter, hoping he would get a response quickly. It was then that he realized that the baby was crying. Loudly. He went over to his son and picked him up.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
"I CAN'T DO THIS!!! WHY ME GOD!!?? WHY ME!!??"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"