Akatsuki's troubles
… … …
The mission was over and they went back to the hideout. Tobi stormed through the door first, the others following behind. Soon most of them were sprawled on the sofa, Tobi rolling around on the floor just because he felt like it.
"This sucks. Do we have to go on stupid missions like this one? It's a pain in the ass. Ouch! Sasori, why are you elbowing me?"
"Keep quiet, Dei, or you'll get a Pain in the ass. He's been particularly grumpy today."
"Well, it's not my fault the mission wasn't successful, un. He is the one who's making mistakes all the time!"
"Shhh, I know. We told him it wasn't a tailed beast, but a cosplayer from the furry fandom, and would he listen? No."
"Maybe we should stuff him with sugar to calm him down."
"I believe he's taking care of that on his own. His head has been stuck in the fridge for the last five minutes, I wonder what he's been looking for so persistently."
"You know, Sasori…"
Deidara's voice died down. The room had become awfully quiet. Even Tobi stopped in the middle of a roll.
The menacing figure at the living-room door narrowed its angry eyes.
"Which one of you motherfuckers ate my ice-cream? Tobi?"
"Er… Tobi is a good boy! Tobi eats only cookies."
Everyone in the room exchanged looks.
"Leader, we didn't do it… this time. Really."
"Are you implying there's someone else here?"
"Ow, it's so spooky, maybe your dead grandmother's ghost is haunting you, planning to eat you alive and chew your bones with its fake teeth." Hidan made a ferocious grimace as he said that and Tobi accompanied it with exaggerated munching sound.
"That's not funny!" Itachi's face paled and he shivered.
"Says the man who killed his clan," Kisame sniggered, but was hit by one of Tobi's cookies which Itachi threw at him.
Tobi sneaked behind Itachi's back. "Boo"
Itachi screamed and fell on his knees, shivering. "Mommy, I'm so sorry that I cut your head off, please forgive me and rest in peace…"
"Eh-hm. Itachi, that was Tobi."
"Oh… well… just pretend you didn't see this." Itachi looked down and nervously twisted the edge of his cloak in his fingers for a few seconds before he rushed to hide in his room. Deidara followed his retreat with a skeptical look.
"That was weird. Is he always like this?"
"Huh." Kisame shook his head. "You should see him on Halloween, he freaks out."
The interrogation about ice-cream matters proceeded and they had just reached the part when Zetsu was explaining how he hadn't eaten anything for a whole day except for the three little kids he munched for breakfast because he was on a protein diet and was trying to avoid carbs and sugar, when Itachi stormed back into the living-room, yelling.
"They're gone, my porn magazines, and Icha Icha, everything is gone!"
"You sure your dead mom's ghost didn't take those?"
"Shut up, Kisame, they're gone without trace."
"Maybe you're getting old and you forgot where you hid them."
"I'm not a kid in his parents' house, Kisame, who would I hide them from, you stupid…"
"Your dead mom's ghost?"
"This isn't funny! Who took them?"
"No one, Itachi. Remember how yesterday we all watched that porn movie and in the end Tobi ate the limp biscuit? No one needed your stupid magazines. No one cares about them anyway, since you're the only shotacon here and most of what you have is yaoi doujinshi and shojo manga."
Everyone was laughing, but Pain seemed disturbed.
"Something weird is going on here. We must check if this hideout is still safe. Besides, I want my ice-cream back."
Some of the others went to their rooms to see if anything else was missing. First was Kakuzu, mumbling something about his money.
Soon Zetsu ran out of his room, shouting "My pot, someone smoked all of my pot!"
Kisame was still in the living-room, pretending the whole matter didn't really concern him, but the severity of the situation finally dawned on him and he started panicking.
"My pet fish! If someone hurt it, or took it, I'll die!" He fainted before he could even reach his room. Pain sighed.
"Itachi, go and see if Kisame's fish is all right."
"Fine. I'll fry that damn thing some day."
Pain had just regained the feeling of having everything under control when a terrified shriek came from Deidara's room. It was so loud that Itachi nearly dropped the fish tank on the floor and spilled half of the water in it.
"What the fuck? There's someone in my bed, un!"
They rushed to Deidara's room and a still dizzy Kisame staggered after them.
All of them, except for Itachi who was looking for a mop, gathered in Deidara's room and stared with curiosity at the person who was asleep in Deidara's bed. The person's face was covered in ice-cream, Itachi's yaoi collection and the remains of Zetsu's pot were scattered everywhere around.
She woke up, removed a few strands of pink hair from her face, got out of the bed and looked at them, studying each face very carefully. Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Now, which one of you, losers, is Itachi, Sasuke's brother?"
"None of them, apparently," Itachi said, appearing at the door. "If you know Sasuke, you must have seen how hot he is. And knowing that I'm his brother, have you ever imagined I might look so ugly? Something like this?" He pointed at Zetsu. "Or like this?" He pointed at Kisame. "Or as idiotic as that?" He pointed at Tobi who was staring at a yaoi manga and was laughing hysterically.
Pain coughed.
"Actually, I'm hot."
"Sorry, leader, I didn't mean you." Itachi blushed a little. His eyes stopped on Pain's ass, but he couldn't enjoy this view for too long because Sakura got in the way.
"Hm…" She nearly smashed her face into his, studying his features with narrowed eyes. "Damn, you look just like that bastard your brother."
"How the hell did you get in here?" Pain was mad. People were not supposed to find their secret base so easily.
"Well, usually I'm completely useless, but they say I'm intelligent. That counts for something, after all."
"Uh, whatever. What are you doing here? Leaf village sent you on a mission to…"
Sakura grimaced and waved her hand.
"Nah, like anyone would send me of all people. You see, that moron Sasuke left the village and I can't find him. You know about the revenge bullshit and all, killing his brother, blah blah, and crap like that. And he, the ranting bitch that he is, just said bullshit and didn't even tell me what the big deal was and where exactly he was going. So, being very intelligent, I figured out that sooner or later he is going to show up where Itachi is. And Itachi is in this place, so now I'll stay here and wait. I'm gonna live with you guys, until Sasuke shows up."
For a minute everyone was speechless because of the shock.
"Kill her now!" Hidan yelled.
"Let's blow her up!" Deidara started searching for clay.
"No! We'll sell her to some pimp." Kakuzu was already calculating the profit.
"Wait!" Pain looked at her. "What are your ninja skills?"
"Um… I'm really good at stalking Sasuke no jutsu, being annoying no jutsu, being completely useless no jutsu, getting in everyone's way no jutsu, oh yeah, and I can summon a log."
"Wow, you're really useless." Pain sighed. Hidan yelled again "Kill the bitch now!" and everyone prepared for slaughter.
"Wait." Pain still had something in mind. "Can you make ramen? Cause Konan won't be back for a long time, and Tobi's ramen is the worst thing in the world."
"Sure I can."
"Fine. Then you can stay. Give her a room. Tomorrow I expect to find ramen on the table."
"Yay, so cool. Oh, and I can share a room with the only girl here."
All of them blinked a few times, trying to figure out what she was talking about. "Maybe it's from Zetsu's pot. She smoked nearly all of it, after all," Sasori whispered and Kisame shrugged. Sakura went closer to Deidara, a broad smile on her face.
"Aw, I'm so happy there's at least one girl here. We can share a room, and I'll have someone to talk to, girl talk, you know, and I'll borrow some things and clothes cause I actually came here with no luggage. I wonder what shampoo you're using, your hair is absolutely gorgeous. So what's your name?"
The others were sniggering and Deidara's face was bright red. He gave Sakura a hateful look. "I'm a guy. Stay away from my room, un."
"But I swear that you look like a…"
"Grrrr. I don't, un! Do I have to take my pants off to prove it?"
Sakura nodded, but everyone yelled "Noooo!"
"Tobi wants to see!"
"Shut the fuck up, Tobi!"
They gave Sakura a room and hoped she wouldn't bother them any more.
On the next morning some of them were already in the living-room when Pain rushed out of the bathroom yelling like mad. He started running in circles, his arms flailing.
"OMG, OMG, ewwww, there are pink hairs all over the bathroom, everywhere, and on my razor, jeez, find your own, bitch! I don't even want to know what places she shaved with it."
Sakura just shrugged. "Gotta keep my legs smooth."
Then they heard another yell, this time it was Deidara.
"Damn bitch! My special shampoo! She used all of it, un. She has more or less three damn hairs on her head, but somehow she managed to use all of it. What the hell did you do, idiot? Drank it, or something?"
Sakura looked surprisingly cheerful. They suspected the pot again.
"It's because I'm worth it. By the way, the ramen is ready."
They noticed she was wearing one of their cloaks and were just wondering who it belonged to when a very sleepy Tobi appeared at the living-room's door. He was still in his pink pajamas. "Tobi's akatsuki cloak is gone. Tobi will take someone else's." He left the room and in a few minutes came back dressed.
Itachi stormed in only in his underwear (black satin, red clouds pattern, if anyone is wondering). "Where's my fucking cloak? Hey, Tobi, that's mine. What am I supposed to wear now?"
Sakura stared at him, drooling. "Actually, I don't think you should wear anything at all."
…
Finally ramen was served and everyone sat around the table. Pain tried it and immediately threw up.
"Bleh, what the hell is that, bitch, are you trying to kill us? It's worse even than Tobi's ramen."
Sakura gave him a cold look. "I said I can make ramen. I didn't say I can make it good."
One second later Kisame stormed in the room with teary eyes. "My fish, it's gone!"
Pain glanced at Sakura. "Do you have anything to do with this?"
"Um…" She averted her eyes. "Well, you wanted ramen and the fridge was quite empty… And you can't make ramen with only noodles, you know, so…"
"Damn it, bitch, are you trying to tell me that I just ate Kisame's fish?"
"Uh-huh."
It took one second for the information to sink in.
"Nooooo. How could you put my fish in your stupid ramen, you fucking crazy idiot, nooo. You cut it to pieces and now I can't even make a proper funeral. Waaaah, what am I gonna do? Its soul will never find peace." Kisame burst into tears.
Itachi patted his shoulder, giving him an ironic smile. "Don't worry, Kisame, maybe its ghost will haunt you."
"No, really, don't worry, we'll buy you a new fish." Pain at least tried to sound sympathetic.
"Hell no! You're not gonna waste money for that!"
"Kakuzu, if Kisame can't overcome the loss, we'll have to spend much more money on his psychotherapy."
"Fine."
"It's ok, Kisame, we'll buy you a new prettier and bigger fish."
"Oh yeah, why don't you buy him a whale!"
"Shut up, Kakuzu!"
Sakura couldn't figure it out.
"But… it's only a fish! Guys, don't you think you're overreacting a little?"
"You cold, cruel, and heartless woman!" Pain threw her an accusing glare. "Can't you show some respect and understanding? The poor man has just lost his precious and beloved fish!"
Kisame pointed at her. "Murderer! Murderer!"
"Er, guys, you have killed a countless number of people. I killed a fish and you call me a murderer?" Sakura's brow twitched.
"Kill her now!" Hidan yelled.
"Kaboom her and avenge Kisame's fish!"
"I'll eat her for dinner!"
"No, Zetsu, she stuffs herself with ice-cream and it will ruin your diet."
"Wait!" Pain's voice rose over the ruckus and they shut up. "She's a moron and she can't cook, but there's one more thing we can use her for. Take her clothes off."
"Er… guys? What's going on? No, stay away… ouch… noooo… Ew, don't touch me there. Hey, that's too big… Owww, get your hands away from… Wait what? Mouths on your hands? Aw, not there, just not there… these fingers… And you, get that away from my mou-… mphrgh, mfrgh, mgfrgh… eww, that was gross… Uh, not both of you at the same time, that's too much, aaaaaaa… Oh… Ah, wait a minute, that's not that bad… Can you do that again? Aaaa, there!"
And that was how they spent the whole day. In the evening everyone was dead tired, not to mention they were still hungry. All that was left was to retreat to their rooms and get some sleep. However, no one expected the following turn of events…
(Pain's room)
Pain turned off the light and was just about to fall asleep when he felt he was not alone. Someone had sneaked into his bed. He turned on the light again only to find himself face to face with Sakura. The manic glint in her eyes promised nothing but troubles.
"More!" she growled. "Now!"
"Wait what, no, get off of me! And get your hand away from… Oooh, well, that feels good, but…"
An hour later.
"Sakura… I just can't do that any more… even I have some limits… try to understand…"
"More! Now!"
Two hours later.
"Sakura… I really can't…"
"Damn. He fainted."
(Itachi's room)
"Mmm, I wanna sleep, Tobi, go away and stop sneaking in people's rooms at night… OMG, what are you doing, why are you touching my… jeez, it's not you!"
"More! Now!"
"Hey, hey, Sakura, wait, not so rough…"
Later.
"Sakura, stop it, that started to hurt already. We did it, jeez, I can't even count how many times, I can't keep going forever!"
Later.
"What? Again? I can barely move. No, please, nooo…"
(Deidara's room)
"WTF? You? I told you to stay away from my room, un. What? You want me to show you again that I'm not a girl?"
Later.
"Bitch, I'm tired, that's enough, fuck off, un."
Later.
"You crazy or what? I said no more, damn it! Get your hand away from my dick. Let me go… ouch… stop it! And get your tongue out of my hand, un!"
(Sasori's room)
"No, Sasori, I don't want your stupid puppets. I want your body now!"
"Hey, take it easy…"
Later.
"Wow, what did you do to your body, it's like a machine!"
Later.
"Ooops, I think I broke him."
(Hidan's room)
"Oh man, these dirty dreams again… Wait a minute, that's not a dream, someone's really sucking me, but who the fuck… Sakura?"
Later.
"Hm, I thought he would last longer, he was supposed to like it rough, after all."
(Kakuzu's room)
"Sakura? What are you doing here? Go away, I'm busy, I have money to count."
Later.
"I can't… I can't… that's too much… stop, I'll even pay you to stop…"
(Kisame's room)
"Honestly, I'm surprised that you're here. I mean… You could just go to Itachi or Pain… Girls always fall for them anyway…"
Later.
"I can't do it any more… I'm out of chakra… Why do you insist on doing this again… I don't get it, why even me… I'm ugly… Just stop that!"
"You see, everyone else fainted already. Besides… Just look at it. It's bright blue. All of it. Bwahaha, kinky!"
(Zetsu's room)
"I would have eaten you if I wasn't on a diet."
"Then it's time to burn some calories."
Later.
"I can't do it any more… I can't do it any more either."
"Both of you, shut up and fuck!"
…
It was the most quiet and gruesome morning in the akatsuki hideout ever.
Pain peeked in the living-room, his face pale and his legs wobbly. He looked around and saw the others sprawled on the couch or crawling on the floor. It was pretty obvious they had shared the same fate as his.
"I wonder where the monster is," he muttered.
There was a loud yell and seconds later they saw Tobi running like mad and shouting "Stay away, you wicked woman, keep your hands away from little Tobi, Tobi is a good boy, little Tobi is a good boy too, and he's tired…" Tobi broke through the wall and disappeared. Sakura ran after him with a growl.
Pain shook his head sadly. "She didn't even make ramen this morning. Not that I would eat it anyway."
"Leader, we're hungry!"
"All right, this is an emergency situation."
…
Izumo and Kotetsu eyed suspiciously the pitiful group of people who had just arrived at the gate of Konoha.
"I know who you are!" Izumo yelled. "You're the Akatsuki!"
"I knew it!" Kotetsu balled up his fists. "You're here for the nine-tailed demon fox because you're freaky weirdoes who want to rule over the world! I read it in the Ninja Conspiracy forums."
"Eh-hem, not really." Pain felt embarrassed beyond belief. "Actually, we came here to get some of… Ichiraku's ramen. We'll pay for it."
At the last words Kakuzu squealed, but Pein kicked him.
…
They were back to the hideout. Pain slowly opened the door and tiptoed inside, followed by the others.
"Shhhh, everyone keep quiet! If we're careful and silent, she might not notice us," he whispered and looked around, then froze.
"Hi guys, where have you been? I'm so glad you're back, I missed you soooo much. Ready for more fun?"
"Nooooooooo," they yelled and started running in various directions.
…
"OMG, she did it again!" Kisame whined before collapsing on the floor unconscious.
Some of them were sprawled on the couch, others were lying on the floor unable to move. Pain tried to lift himself up from where he was sprawled face down, but his arms couldn't hold him. He gave up and just rolled over.
"We need to come up with a plan, or we'll die."
"She's just a stupid little girl! Can't we just kill her? I don't get it. We could have done it long ago, but we didn't, as if we were total morons."
"Yeah, there's no logic in that."
"What logic, dude, this is completely insane! Since when little girls can rape a whole gang of S-rank criminals?"
"Damn it, leader, do something about it!"
( Pain: *cough* Writer, that doesn't make sense!
Writer: As if I care. I like the story that way.
Everyone: Oh no, we're doomed!)
"Guys, we're on our own here, it's up to us to handle this matter. Listen to your leader and have faith. Now, everyone who can still move, attack Sakura with your freakiest jutsu, we'll kill her no matter what!"
After the dust settled down they looked around to assess the result of their desperate attack.
"Is it over? No? What the fuck?"
Sakura was as lively as ever.
"Didn't anyone tell you? In this story I'm immortal. Now who's next?"
( Pain: Writer, seriously, we can't handle this.
Writer: *fake clueless cheerful look* Oh really?
Pain: Well, we can't go at it… for so long.
Writer: Aww, you poor thing. Don't worry. In this story all of you will have an awesome new skill.
Pain: I'm afraid to ask, but what is it?
Writer: Eternal erection no jutsu! *laughs happily, dances around and then keeps typing madly* )
…
"Pain? What's going on here? Who is that pink-haired slut on top of you?"
"Eh… Konan, what a surprise, I didn't expect you to come back so soon… er… I can explain… it's not what it looks like…"
"Pain! I'll beat the crap out of you!"
The end
… … …
Author's comment
Don't ask what I've smoked to write this, my brain just works like that. (Sometimes people ask these questions, you know.) Now imagine Kishimoto on crack and what the manga would have looked like then.