Pride, a weiss kreuz fanfic

Author: Swythangel
Disclaimer: Weiß Kreuz is not mine…the song Maybe is owned by the defunct Neocolours (a local band) and is still not mine.

I promised myself that I wouldn't write songfics mainly because I suck at them but I can't help it. I simply loved this song when I heard it waaay before, and it doesn't really fit into the ficcie lol> but I wanted to put it in so…-_-;

Wahoo! I did a one-shot! I can't believe it. The muse of epic proportions didn't make this a series!

Er, its mushy to say the least and not the best one I've ever written but since its written and I tried to at least make it lime cries> damn it! Why is it so hard to write limes and lemons! Er…please review if possible? Domo minna-san!

Pride

There I was
Waiting for a chance
Hoping that you'll understand
The things I wanna say

I am leaning against a tree trunk, playing lazily with my lit cigarette, watching him intently as he fools around with his little charges, the late afternoon sun glinting off his chestnut hair and dancing eyes. He is beautiful like this. So vibrant and alive.

And no, I am not being poetic at all, damn it! I am telling the truth.

Everyone has one perfect place that would make a perfect foil for one's personality and this was his. The sun loves him very much, this laughing boy who has come to mean so much to me. Everytime he comes out, it seems that the sun's rays would always gravitate itself to find him. And he revels in it, coming alive everytime the sun touches his face. It changes him from the boy-next-door to beautiful young man.

When he is like this, I want to reach out and touch him all over, run my hands through his fine hair and kiss him forcefully until he kisses me back. I want to feel him respond to the things I do to him, respond like he always did before.

/You have no right to do that now, Youji. He belongs to another, remember?/

Aa, I know. And it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, this, knowing that he isn't mine anymore.

/Hurts like hell doesn't it?/

A frigging conscience that smirks, just fucking wonderful!

"Oi, Ken-niisan! Catch!"

The innocent shout of Ken's little goalkeeper brings me back to the present. Reminding me of what I am planning to do.

/And just what are you planning to do, Kudou?/

I plan to get back my Kenken from the asshole who took him away from me.

As my love went stronger than before
I wanna see you more and more
But you closed your doors
But you already tried to talk to him. What do you think this will accomplish?/

You would remind me of that! I snarl at my conscience.

Many times I have tried to talk to him but always, always, he would run away from me, hiding behind lover boy who'd stare me down.

/Then why try any more, Kudou? Why don't you just leave? There are plenty of fishes in the sea, aren't there? Surely, Youji "the playboy" Kudou can find a better replacement?/

In my opinion, irritating consciences deserve to burn in hell. Because they harp on and on in sarcastic tones. This one does so in a tone that sounds so familiar. Because it sounds like me and I can't stand it. There can be only one Youji.

And no, Mr. Asshole Conscience, I tried that and it didn't work. Somehow somewhere along the way, Ken wormed himself into my heart and now I can't get him out. I just have to get him back.

/Oho! So the love bug has finally taken hold of the great playboy!/

Just shut up, freaking asshole.

Why don't you try
To open up your heart
I won't take so much of your time

"Ken!"

I call him as he passes by the tree I am leaning against, putting out an arm on his shoulder to stop him just for good measure.

"Youji."

He doesn't even turn to look at me, saying my name in a flat unemotional voice that I am sure is meant to dissuade me from even talking to him. But I know its just an act because he trembles beneath my touch, one little shiver before he becomes deathly still.

"We need to talk."

Gads, such a cliched line! I want to whack myself for not saying something more witty.

"Gomen nasai, but I can't. He's waiting for me."

*He*. I hate that word. Especially when he says it with so much love.

I used to like it very much. But that was when Ken used "he" to refer to me, back to the time when Ken loved me. "Loved" being the operative word here, signifying the past, signifying that I don't have a fucking right to him anymore.

Fuck him! I want to say. He can go die for all I care! But I am sure Ken would kill me if I did.

"I'm sure he won't die if you talk to me for a few minutes, Kenken."

I try to say this nonchalantly, trying not to seem too eager. But inside, my heart is pounding and my stomach is in knots with anticipation.

Eagerness is not my style. It wouldn't be Youji Kudou talking if I sound too eager. Youji Kudou always looks unruffled.

Aa, as Ken always told me before, I make too much fuss on what people think about me.

"Sorry, Youji." He takes my hand gently but firmly from his shoulders without once looking at me. "But I don't want to be late."

And as he walks away, he whispers in a voice that I wouldn't have heard if not for the fact that I am so intent on his every move.

"And Youji? You don't have a right to call me Kenken anymore."

My hands clench at this, but I don't do anything as I watch him walk away from me. It has never been my style to run after anyone at all…and I wasn't going to start now, no matter how much I want to pull him back and prevent him from going to the asshole he now calls his love.

I wonder, if I kissed him instead of asking him to talk, would he have surrendered to me instead? It would have been so easy to do. But I know I couldn't have done it even if I tried. It just wasn't me. Not my style at all.

I remember just how frustrated Ken got whenever I told him it just wasn't my style. I smirk a little, leaning back against the tree trunk. Remembering a past that held such bittersweet memories, to a time when I hadn't been the one running after him…

//"Your style. Why is it never your style, Youji? Tell me."

"What are you talking about now, Kenken?" I ask him, wondering why he was so worked up over something so trivial as my refusing to go with him to some godforsaken soccer game.

"It's just that everything's not your style or not you. I'm just asking you to go with me to one soccer game, friends do that you know! No one will even suspect we're more than that." Ken blushes and scowls at me at the same time.

It amazes me sometimes how he can still blush after everything. But that's what makes Ken so endearing. The sheer naivete he possesses is what attracts me to him.

I sigh. He doesn't get it at all. So I try to explain, brushing a kiss on his lips to smooth away the scowl.

"My dear Kenken, you know very well that I hate soccer. Besides, I have a date."

"But you *always* have a date."

I laugh a little at this. "Come to think of it, you're right."

"Why can't you spend some time with me for a change?"

I look at him with hooded eyes and lower my voice to a sensual purr, trailing a finger down his cheek. "Aa, but I do spend time with you Kenken. Every night and until the wee hours of the morning, ne?"

He blushes to the roots of his hair, swatting my hand away. "Youji! That's not what I fucking mean."

"Well what do you mean, Kenken?" I tell him, a bit irritated. Ken's been on the same topic lately and it gets pretty old after a while.

"Why can't we spend time with each other outside this bedroom? It doesn't even have to be a date, we can just sit on the damn sofa and talk, get to know one another."

"Aa," I tell him mischievously, "but we do know each other, Kenken, very intimately." I love baiting him, especially when he's so quick to rile.

"Baka! That's not what I meant. Now be serious. Why does it have to end on the bed?" A hard note enters Ken's voice and somehow I know that he isn't going to let it go, which irritates me. I hate scenes.

"You want serious? Then I'll be serious." I sit up straighter on the sofa and look at him straight in the eye. "First up. Why does it have to end on the bed? Because it started there in the first place Kenken."

There it is, pure and simple. This relationship is based on nothing more but sexual activity, starting that one night in a grueling mission where we almost died.

Impending death strikes a strange chord in one's being. It makes one realize just how mortal one is, how fragile. And it leaves one wild-eyed with fear, the need to affirm that one is alive.

Two beings like rabid animals, desperate for the warmth of knowing they exist…

Eye contact.

And wild emotions take over, bodies yearning for the closeness, yearning for the sensations that only primal lust could generate.

That was how it started. No declaration of love or other romantic notions, just reality and the truth.

"I thought the agreement, Kenken, was that we'd have no commitments. Therefore no responsibilities or harping about lost time."

"But…"

I cut him off. " I also told you that we can never be seen outside the bedroom together. You know I have a reputation to maintain and I am not going to sacrifice that. Now if you can't uphold your end of the bargain, then maybe we can just end this now."

A flash of anger enters his eyes. And I raise my challenging ones to his own. He hates not being listened to but I know that it ends there. I feel a pinch of satisfaction as Ken overcomes his anger and lowers his eyes.

"N..no, I'm sorry, Youji. Forget I ever said anything. You just go out on your date."

"And the game?"

"I'll ask Aya instead. Don't worry about it."

I nod my head in satisfaction. "That's my Kenken." I praise him. "Now come here and give me a kiss."

He hesitates but complies. As he always does. I see a look of hurt in his eyes at my uncaring handling of our relationship. But he won't do anything about it because I know he can't leave me. He can never leave me because he is addicted to what we do.

"You're mine, Kenken." I tell him as I bend down to tease his neck with feather light kisses. //

I was cocky then. I never thought much about love, love made one vulnerable, like it did to me with Asuka. And I promised myself I would never fall for it again.

I believed that Ken and I were in it for physical gratification.

/And you call yourself an expert in love. Hah!/

Oh, fuck off! How was I to know that Ken would fall in love with me? Especially when I treated him with the same casual indulgence and callousness I would treat the girls I flirted and dated.

/You should've seen that coming you know…/

Yes, I should have. I did wonder just why Ken became so damned concerned about everything about me, hen-pecking me. And why he looked so hurt every time I flirted with the girls at Koneko…

Then he told me he loved me…and what did I do? I told him he was confusing lust with love…and the hurt in his eyes…oh god! If I could have turned back time, I would have.

***

As the fading light of the sun touches the horizon, I start to walk back to my apartment, to an apartment that seems so lonely now that Ken had left me.

And as always, self-recriminations fill my mind.

/Well, its your fault. How could you have treated him that way? Flirted around with other girls, dating them, keeping your relationship a secret even with Aya and Omi, treating him callously…/

Because I didn't realize I loved him at all!

***

Maybe its wrong to say please love me too
'Coz I know you'll never do
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you
Maybe its wrong to love you more each day
'Coz I know he's here to stay
But I know to whom you should belong.

Its 10 in the evening and I've been staring at the wall of my unlighted apartment with a cigarette in my hand for four hours now. My ashtray is overflowing with spent cigarettes but I ignore it completely.

Ken hasn't come home yet.

My mind is conjuring up torturous thoughts of what Ken and lover boy are doing right now. They've been out for more than 4 hours now and dinner is most definitely frigging over!

Is he kissing and touching Ken, I wonder? I would have. Although I can't really see that ice-cold asshole kissing anyone at all. Let alone my Ken. But then again, I would never have imagined that *he* was capable of admitting he loved Ken either. The bastard!

/You don't belong with him Ken! You belong with me…/

/I love you. And its not too late…is it?/

I believed what you said to me
We should set each other free
That's how you want it to be

//"Please, Youji! Just once! Its Christmas Eve, can't you just stay home this once and be with me?"

"Sorry Kenken. But I have a hot date. Besides, I'll come home after ne? I'll make it up to you then." I smile at him seductively, coaxing his mouth open for a kiss..

I should have noticed how Ken stiffened as I tried to kiss him but I don't.

As I continue to tease his lips open with small biting kisses, he wrenches himself away from me and moves back a few steps.

"Oh, Youji." He tells me tiredly, a sadness in his eyes that I can't understand. "You think that you can just kiss me and make everything go away."

What else can I say to that? I give him a teasing wink and a lazy smile. "Oh, not everything, Kenken, but certainly most things."

He doesn't smile at my teasing pronouncement. Instead, he walks up until he is only a few inches away from me, his eyes the warm liquid brown I have always associated with Ken when he reaches his pleasure, a brown pool I can drown in.

"I love you."

I am taken aback. I never expect that to be said to me, certainly not from him, who I treat the most callously.

And what do you say to someone who tells you this, when you promised yourself you can never feel love again…

"You are confusing lust with love Kenken." I tell him. "There is a difference, you know."

The light dies in his eyes, pain replacing it. I can see him visibly slump back in defeat.

"Ken?" I ask him in concern. Maybe I was too callous…

"I think we should end this now Youji…"

I don't hear the tiredness in his voice, all I can hear and feel is the rejection. It lances through my being, a pain that rivals that of Asuka's death but I push it aside.

Call it self-denial or maybe a sense of preservation, but I don't want to admit that it might be love. Because love is for fools, and I am not a fool.

I want to tell him that if it means so much to him I'd cancel the date. But I can't. Because my damn pride won't let me. He rejected me. And I won't demean myself by trying to be conciliatory. After all, it isn't my style…

"Fine." I tell him, walking out of the room.//

In the few weeks that passed after that, Ken tried to avoid being alone with me, even inside the shop. And that was fine with me. Because I thought I would be able to go on, that I could just brush him off of my mind.

With so many fishes in the sea, I was so sure I could easily find another. After all, my relationship with Ken was only for personal gratification wasn't it? I kept telling myself that.

I went on dates, dates and more dates. Made myself charming to girls everywhere. And of course they loved it. And my charm landed me many dates. The great Kudou never fails.

But somehow something was always missing…they didn't have brown eyes and fine short brown hair that fell in their eyes, they didn't trip clumsily over the least little things, or blushed furiously when they trip…

…they weren't Ken.

I miss Ken. I miss him very much.

***

But my love went stronger than before
I wanna see you more and more
But you closed your doors
Why don't you try
To open up your heart
I won't take so much of your time

After a few weeks, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to tell Ken how I still felt. How I realized how much I loved him…but he'd always turn away from me and talk to Omi or Aya instead.

The tables have now turned. I am now the one who runs after him, trying to get him to talk to me. And he is the one trying to avoid the issue.

I should've known or at least guessed that something was up. But I didn't, until it was too late.

I follow him to the store room stealthily because I know that if he realizes that I am following him, he'd get Omi or Aya to go with him. When we reach it, I block the door so he cannot escape.

"Ken."

He stiffens. And it pains me to think that he should do so. Once, he would have smiled at me and said my name in a voice full of love. Not now.

"Youji."

He turns around very slowly to look at me with a resigned look on his face. Like he is facing a task he doesn't want to do.

"Let's get this over and done with, shall we?" He tells me, wearily.

How do I start? Where do I start? Thoughts tumble all over themselves in my mind as my pulse races.

In the end, I can only say the first thing that is in my mind.

"It is all my fault, I know. I never thought you'd mean so much to me."

It is a stupid line to start with I know but he understands it…I can see it in his face.

He smiles. And for a brief moment, I feel hope. A foolish hope that dies as I see the regret in his eyes.

"Its too late, Youji."

My brows come together at that. "How can it be too late, Kenken? We can start over."

Ken just shakes his head at me.

"I'll do anything, Ken. You know that, don't you?"

"You don't understand Youji. When I say its too late, I mean its too late."

He says it like it he means something else, something more important than 'too late'. And somehow my desperate mind can't absorb this. All I realize is the fact that he doesn't want to take me back and I don't want to accept that.

"It can't be too late."

"Gomen nasai, Youji. But I love another."

Another? Is Ken telling me he has found a new love?

The pain that explodes deep in my heart is unlike anything I have felt before. Iie, I cannot accept that. Ken is mine. No one can take him away from me!

Desperate times call for desperate measures as they say.

"I love you."

This takes Ken aback. I can see the surprise in his expressive eyes, the regret and the pain. The hope in my heart lights up once again. Maybe I can still get him back.

But Ken shakes his head at me. "A few weeks ago, I would have been the happiest person alive to hear those words coming from you. You don't know how much I have longed to hear that."

Yes, I know Kenken. And I didn't want to say it, because I thought it would be a lie. I thought we were just using each other to fight off the insanity that near death experiences brings.

And also because it went against my pride. You know how much I value my pride.

But today I cast my pride to the winds, because I realize just how much you mean to me.

"I would say it again today and everyday if you would just come back to me."

"I am sorry, Youji. But I can't. It wouldn't be fair to him."

Him? Who is this person, who dared to come between Ken and I?

"Who is he, Kenken?" I ask bitterly. The words dragged from me from lips that didn't want to ask because it hurt my pride to.

"Ken, are you in here?"

A deep quiet voice intrudes into our conversation, followed by a knock. And I see it in the way Ken's eyes brighten. He was the one.

"Hai, Aya. I'm just gathering the supplies we need in the shop. Youji's helping me."

Heavy silence greeted that. If only for a minute or so. And I knew then that he knew why I was here. And debating whether he should do something about it. But as usual, Aya does the right thing. He decides to trust Ken.

I hate him.

"Alright. I'll go back now. Don't take too long."

"Hai."

I can't believe it. Of all people, I would never have guessed that Mr. I-care-about-my-imoto-and-no-one-else could have stolen my Ken away from me.

"I love him, Youji. And he loves me. Please, don't make this any harder than it is."/

/Goddamn it! It was hard on me too, Kenken. Hard on me too./

I want to punch the wall in anger at the remembered memory. But I don't because I don't want Omi to wake up and hear me vent my anger and pain on innocent walls.

Ken should be mine. Not that blasted bastard Aya's!

I hear a faint scuffling downstairs so I stroll to my window and look out. Pain lances through me yet again. It is Ken…with Aya.

I have never known myself to be a masochist. Hedonist maybe and a little bit narcissistic, but never a masochist. Still, I can't help myself as I inch closer to the venetian blinds to hear and see more of what they were doing.

They were kissing. Not the passionate kiss Kenken and I shared so many nights before but a chaste simple kiss, a mere peck really. And even as I clench my fists in anger at the thought of Aya touching my Ken, I want to snort. Is that all Aya could do? Just this chaste kissing?

If that was all then I felt exultation. Maybe I could still take Ken away from Aya.

Yes, I know I am acting like a bastard, trying to steal Ken away from Aya when we're teammates. But still, I feel justified in what I want to do.

Ken belongs with me, not with Aya.

But then I see Ken lift his face up to look at the taller Aya. This action coincidentally puts him in my line of vision. And I can see the love shining in his eyes as he tells Aya he loves him.

A different light from the one he had when he told me he loved me, more giving and real. As if he feels that he has come home.

In that instance, I know without any doubt that Ken would never be mine anymore. His heart belongs to Aya now and it hurts me more than I believe it possible.

Ken is not mine anymore…

Ken is lost to me…

I will never hold him in my arms anymore, or hear him cry out my name in the heat of passion because Aya will be the one holding him in his arms. It will be Aya's name he cries at night.

I slide bonelessly to the ground and a single tear falls down my face at the thought. I cannot allow more than that. Because it wouldn't be me.

It wouldn't be me…how many times have I told Ken that? How many times had I refused him something because I had been afraid of what other people might think? Of what it might do to my reputation?

I bark a self-derisive laugh at myself. I still have my reputation intact and my pride, for whatever use they are to me now that he's not here with me.

/I've lost him, I feel so empty inside, hollow and ringing with pain./

If I had not given in to pride or my vanity, would I have been able to hold on to him?

***

But my love is strong
I don't know if this is wrong
But I know to whom you should belong.

It is another morning now and the pain is harder to bear especially when I have to see Ken with *him*.

Unlike us before, they are open about their relationship. Not the touchy-feely kind but you could see the concern and love they seem to radiate towards each other. And the girls in the shop ooohed and ahhed over them. Certainly, their female fans had decreased, changing fancies towards Omi and me but many of the girls are, surprisingly, yaoi fans and loved seeing the two together.

I hurt.

Everytime Ken looks at Aya I hurt. When Aya helps clumsy Ken up, I hurt. But it hurts most of all when Ken looks at Aya with those love-filled eyes.

I should be the one he looks at like that.

/You don't belong with him, Kenken. You belong with me./

The thought fills my mind as I snip violently at the thorns I am removing from the rose, imagining it was Aya. My loss of concentration results in me cutting myself and I exclaim in surprised pain.

"Ow."

"Are you alright, Youji?" Ken looks my way in concern.

Don't do this to me Ken! I want to shout his way. It only hurts all the more to see that you still have some concern for me.

But I don't.

I have lost the one I loved the most but I still have my pride left. And it refuses to let anyone else see just how low Youji Kudou has fallen.

My pride lost me Ken but it is still useful. Because it is the one thing that will save me from making an utter fool of myself in front of Ken.

And so I smile lazily his way, refusing to let him see just how hurt I am.

/I should never have let you go. I. Should. Never. Have. Let. You. Go. /

OWARI

^_~ You guys know how much I want comments...and yes i know i'm a very depressing writer. gomen! lol>