Behind The Smile
Many think that I'm this joyful person, nothing behind that fake smile I constantly wear. I hate smiling. I always have, which is why I do it. With that simple, phony grin, I am able to disguise all true feelings. I am able to be someone I'm not. It pains me, but it would only hurt more for everyone to know the truth.
You know why my eyes are almost always closed? It's because they're dead of emotion and feeling, the things I am incapable of. The only time I feel anything is when I'm standing on that court, doing the one thing I hold dear. Tennis. It provides thrill, it lets me live for once, and I can finally let go. However, that thrill still isn't the real thing, only a cheap imitation of real life. Still, it's better than nothing.
I toy with my opponents to postpone that thrill from leaving me, to postpone being empty yet again. Some claim that I do it out of kindness, to let the other person feel that they're doing well. I willingly play along, anything to prevent the truth from being discovered.
Inui's drink is perhaps the most vile concoction I've ever experienced. So, you're probably wondering why I claim to love it. It's so I can see the many different emotions flickering across the faces of anyone who falls victim to it; fear, panick, distress, repugnance, sickness, and many others.
Let me guess, you're now wondering how I can stand Inui Juice. Let's just say I'm a master at disguising my true self.
The one person I can never figure out is Tezuka. His calm, stoic demeanor never falters, never shows emotion. At first I figured him to be like me, but that was before I talked to him in the clubroom after my match with Echizen, before I experienced his loyalty and determination for the team, first against Atobe, in the Kantou Tournament, and again against Sanada in the Nationals. No, Tezuka is definitely not like me.
He did however, teach me something I will cherish for the rest of my life; the pure joy of playing my absolute best, no matter what. So who knows, this iceberg heart of mine might just eventually melt, allowing me to truly live, and be me.