Sure of One Thing
4x05 Metamorphosis tag
He was leaving.
His brother was leaving. After everything, after all they'd been through, after the last four months...
This wasn't possible. How had everything gotten so screwed up? Dean never left. He wouldn't leave him. Sam could make him listen.
"Dean, c'mon, man--"
But all he got was a punch for his trouble
When he'd first stormed in the door and started shoving clothes into his duffel, Sam's blood had run cold. But he hadn't really believed it. Then came the two right hooks... and the argument.
Sam knew he deserved it, knew he shouldn't have lied. He knew how betrayed Dean was feeling. His mind flashed back to a conversation by a fence surrounded by fall leaves. "How could you not have told me this! ... You had no right to keep this from me!"
But looking at his brother's disappointed, criticizing face, he knew why he hadn't told Dean about this. He'd been afraid of this rejection, this disappointment, this fear of what he'd become. Why couldn't Dean just trust him to make his own decisions, to know right from wrong. How could he make him understand that he'd been alone. He'd been alone and he'd survived on his own. Now he was trying to go back to the brother dynamic, but it didn't change who he'd become while his brother was gone.
Sam hung up the phone and turned back to his brother. Dean shook his head, reached for his duffel, and panic exploded inside of Sam.
Everything was so messed up. He resented the fact that Dean didn't trust him about this, didn't realize that Sam had been taking care of himself for four months and didn't need Dean to take over now...
But that didn't mean he didn't want him around.
His stomach tied itself in knots as he thought back to those four months... the agony of the loss of his brother, partner, best friend.
And in the middle of the craziness that their lives had become – the lies and the hiding – Sam was still sure of one thing. And he only hoped Dean was sure of it too.
Dean had made it to the door.
"Dean." His brother paused. Shoulders taunt, head tucked down. Sam took a breath, swallowed the lump in his throat. Dean didn't like chick flick moments, but he needed to hear this. And Sam needed to say it, 'cause he had to try everything he could to make his brother see the one truth he still had to hold onto.
"Dean, please don't go." Dean didn't turn around, but he didn't reach for the door either, so Sam continued, "I'm sorry. I know you're angry, and you should be. And I know things are messed up..." Sam closed his eyes a minute, trying to keep the tears inside. When he opened them again, Dean's head had tilted a little back in his direction.
Sam took another fortifying breath. "I know things are messed up. But we can fix this. Just stay. Please."
Dean turned around to face him, matching tears on his face. But he wasn't looking at Sam yet, instead, his eyes stared at the carpet. The betrayed look in his eyes made Sam's heart clench. "I'm sorry. Just please don't leave me, Dean. I don't want you to go."
Dean finally looked at him. He nodded. "I don't want to go either, Sammy."
Sammy. God, Sam had missed that. "Then don't."
Dean's shoulder's dropped their tension and he cracked a smile, "But then how are we supposed to get to Carthage?"
Sam gave a short laugh, shook his head. He was smiling when he looked up at his brother again. "Jerk."
"Bitch."