Disclaimer: I don't own HP or the characters, I'm making no profit, insert meme of Yul Brenner saying, "Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera" here.
Author's Note: I'll say up front that this is pure, unadulterated porn without plot, extremely mature, and filled with hilarity. The name of this game is How Many Words For Penis Can Emerald Use In One Story and the research for the British terms still have me laughing my ass off. Many thanks to whichever tumblr user posed the deep question of, "How many Hogwarts students have used Engorgio on their penis?" And thank you, as ever, to my splendid beta reader Shi'ar.
And, just saying, reviews make the world go 'round.
It had been a peaceful night, which was highly unusual for a Friday, but he wasn't about to complain. Patrol duties weren't so bad, even if he had been asked at the last minute to switch shifts by the most annoying - albeit the sexiest - member of the staff. Stalking along the castle for several hours helped to keep him in shape, and clear his mind. Releasing some steam by deducting several house points for the past-curfew activities of dunderheaded students never hurt a wizard, either. He found himself slightly disappointed that apparently so many of them had decided to behave tonight. Ah, well, he would soon finish and retire to his quarters for a nice, neat glass of Old Ogden's best, and relish the most peaceful night he'd had in months.
He should have known it wouldn't last. Strangled, painful screams suddenly echoed from around the corner.
"What the devil?" Severus headed toward the shrieking, swooping around the corner of the hall with his wand brightly lit.
"Professor!" a girl screamed, and as he approached he could see it was one of his fifth-year Slytherin students. "Help!" she cried, gesticulating wildly to the boy before her.
He strode forward and grabbed a handful of the boy's jumper, spinning him around and barely biting back a yelp of surprise.
The young Gryffindor's meat and two veg was swollen to the size of a fully grown Mandragora. The boy was writhing in agony, his shrieks long-dead in his throat as his breaths constricted in his windpipe.
Bloody fucking hell. These students would be the death of him. "Back to your room, Miss Smythe," he growled, "and ten points from Slytherin. Five for being out after curfew and five for cavorting with a Gryffindor imbecilic enough to use Engorgio on his genitals."
He grabbed the boy by the shoulder and began dragging him down the hallway. Luckily for the dunderhead, the infirmary was on this floor.
As Poppy attended the young man, Severus excused himself. "I need to retrieve his Head of House."
Poppy Pomfrey nodded and replied, "I'll alert Minerva."
After striding with a clenched jaw all the way to the other side of the castle, he finally stopped and glared at Granger's door. He had taken patrol for her tonight while she'd had some personal business to attend to. A date, no doubt, he thought snidely. This should have been her problem.
She opened the door, hair tousled, in the act of tying her dressing gown closed.
"Severus!" she said in surprise, her whisky-colored eyes widening at the sight of his imposing figure. "Is everything okay?"
He glared at her, willing his gaze to stay on her face instead of traveling down her body. Was she aware her dressing gown was nearly see-through when she stood with her back to the fireplace? The insufferable chit. The insufferable sexy chit. "You need to see this," he growled at her.
She clutched at her lapels and nodded, stepping out with him into the hallway and setting her wards before following him to the infirmary.
The next morning at the staff meeting, Hermione sat off to the side, sipping her tea and trying to be inconspicuous. That in itself was difficult because she was usually the liveliest one in attendance, posing new ideas for the school and raving about particular students. Not this morning. She would keep her head down, and she would avoid Severus Snape at all costs.
"Severus!" Minerva called. "Look alive. We need your feedback on patrols."
Bugger, Hermione thought. Here it comes.
Severus' brows knitted in disgust as he considered the words of the headmistress. "Forgive me; I was up late due to an idiot in the hallways." His glare turned to Hermione. "I move for the motion to restrict patrol shifts from being switched out amongst the staff." He sneered, his lips curling up rather unpleasantly. "And you might tell your Charms professor to ensure that before she teaches the students new spells, she cautions them about the use of said spells."
Hermione scoffed, her hackles raising. "Sure, Severus. Boys will be boys."
"Fine, they can be boys on your patrol nights," he returned sharply.
Hermione folded her arms. The rude man was beginning to rattle her calm. Her intention to keep her head down flew out the window at that moment. "You are such a drama queen," she told him airily, not paying any mind to his brows soaring to his hairline at her words. "Like you never tried to Engorgio your dangly bits. I'd bet every young wizard at some point has tried something as stupid."
He smiled; a thin, leering baring of his teeth. "I assure you, Granger, nothing of mine has ever needed to be enlarged."
"Is that right?" she challenged, completely uncaring in that moment that she was poking an enraged former Death Eater. "I'm sure lots of wizards think they're impressive, too."
The staff were silent, all heads rapidly turning side to side as Professors Granger and Snape went back and forth. Hermione stared at him with defiance, her chin tilted up haughtily. Severus appeared as if steam would pour out of his ears at any moment.
"That's quite enough," Minerva stepped in, her voice stern. "We have more important issues to discuss. Let's move on."
But Severus was far from moving on as he watched Hermione straighten in her chair and clear her throat. She had some nerve, challenging him like that in front of the entire staff. He would make her pay.
After the meeting had ended and the staff began to file out of the room, Severus waited to stand until Hermione did, and together they brought up the tail end of the exiting professors.
"You have some nerve, Granger," Severus told her in a low, angry voice as they emerged into the hallway. "You should know better than to challenge me."
"I am challenging you," she told him, suddenly swinging around to face him and leaning a hip against the wall. She crossed her arms over her ample bosom. "It galls me to no end when wizards pretend like they're Merlin's gift to witches the world over."
"I do not share my gift with just anyone," he replied silkily. "In this case, however, I think some proof might do you well; teach you a lesson, as it were." He obviously meant to frighten her; to threaten her subtly enough that she would never think to challenge him again. Barely a year as a Hogwarts professor and she felt she could go toe-to-toe with him?
"I highly doubt you could teach me much," she replied, raising a brow. "Especially down in the cold air of the dungeons."
His nostrils flared in fury at her suggestive reply. She was playing with fire, and she was damn well going to get burned.
"Your rooms, then," he pushed, smirking as she swallowed hard. "Or are you worried you might just have to eat crow?"
"Not at all," she said confidently, standing up straight. "My quarters then. Tonight." She turned on her heel and sashayed away, causing his eyes to nearly bulge out of his skull. He'd never seen her hips sway in such a way. The witch was taunting him, and she had no idea who she was messing with.
"Tea?" she asked him, standing before the crackling fire. He'd removed his billowing black robe and his frock coat somewhere between dinner and coming to her rooms, and stood before her in his black trousers and white shirt, unbuttoned at the top. He looked positively scrumptious.
He shook his head in answer to her offer, his eyes heated.
She smirked. "Then shall I unwrap this... gift you have for me?"
He crossed his arms and stood tall. "Granger, we both know you don't have the balls."
She threw her head back and laughed, and he was struck by her beauty in that moment. He'd been fighting to deny an attraction to this irritating creature for quite some time, and it suddenly dawned on him that he was in her chambers, talking about penises.
"I think this is less about the balls and more about the purple parsnip, yes?" She arched a brow, in similar fashion to the way he knew he arched his. Had he been a bad influence on her?
"Witch, this could be about the bell-end for all I care. My galleons are on the fact that you, a proper Gryffindor princess, are all hot air."
His eyes widened as she came slinking across the rug to stand before him. She was a tiny thing, the top of her head barely reaching his shoulders. Her cool hands curved into the waistband of his trousers, and suddenly his mouth went very dry.
"Care to recant, before I knock you on your arse?" she whispered, her hot breath fanning across his neck. "I know it's mostly Slytherins who feel they need to exaggerate about the size of their…" Her words trailed off as her fingers slid across the front of his pants. Her mouth formed into a surprised "o" and he felt a deep satisfaction curling in his gut.
"Second thoughts, Granger? Don't stop now. There's so much more… unwrapping… left for you to do." His voice was low, stroking the words in a way that caused her breath to hitch in her throat.
Hermione swallowed hard and sought all of her supposed courage, wrapping it around herself like a cloak. She slowly worked his buttons free, and slid his pants down. Her eyes widened to saucers as his cock sprang free.
"Merlin, Severus," she whispered in awe, one of her fingertips trailing down the full, solid length of him.
His hand wrapped around her nape, and his head descended toward hers. "I believe, Professor Granger," he whispered against her lips, "this is where you eat crow."
She moaned as his lips claimed hers. Her hand wrapped firmly around his shaft, causing him to groan into her mouth. Her fingers stroked teasingly down his velvet-covered steel rod, squeezing intermittently and working him like a stone cold expert.
"I've seen a fair few wedding tackles, but this is something," she said against his lips as they broke away, her finger circling his helmet.
"Why don't you get a closer look," Severus suggested silkily, his hands curling around her upper arms and gently urging her to kneel before him.
She raised a brow, a smile playing at her lips, plumped and red from his kisses. "You want my mouth on you?" she asked him, voice husky with desire.
"It's customary to show appreciation when you are given a gift, Granger. Surely you know proper etiquette," he teased, watching her kneel before him and feeling his stomach clench at the sight.
"My intentions are far from proper," she purred, and leaned forward to lick the precum from his tip, causing his hips to jerk forward. She gazed up at him and batted her eyelashes. "Liked that, did you?"
His large, strong hands twined into her mass of curls, threading firmly into the strands and urging her head back. "Shut up and suck me," he growled, his dark eyes glittering with unchecked desire.
A soft, amused hum escaped her throat as she took hold of his cock and pointed it straight up. She dipped her head and dragged her tongue from the base of him to the tip, swirling around the head before repeating the process again. Her eager tongue traced along the ridges and veins, stroking each one with a slow, thorough lick that had him groaning in response. She was a tease, and she was good at it. He marveled that he'd finally found a way to shut her up. If he'd known this was the way to silence her, he'd have gifted her much sooner.
"Fuck," he hissed, as her tongue swirled around the end of his cock, before she sucked it into her hot mouth. She withdrew and angled his cock skyward again, dragging her talented tongue up his length as she had before, but this time, after swirling her tongue around his pulsating helmet, she engulfed him in her mouth, plunging down his cock until he hit the back of her throat. She hummed in pleasure as he shuddered, and slowly retreated up his shaft, grazing him ever so gently with her teeth as she hit his mushroom head.
Her lips enclosed the tip of him, and she sucked powerfully, chuckling against his throbbing organ as his hips jerked forward and he let out a long groan. Her tongue teased his sensitive head, dipping into the slit at the very top, just as her hand gripped forcefully around his base.
Mother of Merlin, she was good. He could feel the pressure building in his balls - and speaking of his balls, one of her soft, delicate hands stroked over them teasingly before squeezing them gently. Her head bobbed down the length of his cock, and as she curled her tongue and drew back up, tracing the large, pulsating vein along the bottom, her roving fingers slipped between his legs and she fingered his perineum.
Shite! he thought, his nails scratching against her scalp as his fingers coiled and his hips surged in response.
"Get up here," he commanded her hoarsely, tugging at her brown curls.
She released his cock with a wet pop and pouted up at him. "But I'm not done." Her finger trailed down the path that her tongue had just taken, teasing the ridge of his corona. "Don't you want me to taste you?" she purred, lowering her head once more.
Insistently, he tugged her up. "I'd rather taste you, instead."
He pushed her back until her bum hit the arm of the sofa, and bent her over it. Her hair splayed out around her as her head hit the cushions. She gazed up at him with a bemused smile, watching him make quick work of the side zipper to her skirt, pulling it over her hips and sliding it down her legs. Her breath hitched as he eyed the silky fabric of her knickers; she knew it must be rather obvious that she was quite wet. One of his fingers slid down the soaked material, tracing her slit through it, and her eyelids fluttered in ecstasy.
"All of this for me?" he queried, mesmerized by the sight before him. His dark gaze traveled up her quivering midriff to her rapidly rising and falling bosom. His hands grasped the fabric of her blouse and rent it in two, revealing the creamy flesh of her of breasts, heaving in their lace-clad confines.
"Seems I'm not the only one who's gifted," he purred with a wicked grin. His hands palmed her full breasts, his thumbs stroking over her nipples. "No Engorgio here, right, Granger?" he teased.
She mock glared at him. "I'm all natural," she assured him haughtily, and arched her back to reach behind her and unhook her brassiere. She flung it carelessly to the side and stared up at him with her chin raised.
He leaned over her to capture one of her pert nipples in the warm cavern of his mouth, and the move pressed his highly primed arousal to her wet heat, impeded only by a thin scrap of fabric. They both groaned, and the resulting vibration against her nipple sent a jolt of electricity straight to her clit. She wiggled in an attempt to generate some friction, but he pulled back, the wicked smirk on his face telling her that he had grand ideas and she would not be interrupting those plans.
He sank to his knees between her legs, and his large hands moved in a smooth glide up her inner thighs to push them apart. His fingers wound through the waistband of her knickers and he removed them in one swift motion, flinging them over his shoulder as his eyes roamed over the sight of her glistening pussy. He felt like a man dying of thirst in the desert, staring at a lush oasis. Slipping her legs over his shoulders, he bent his head and buried his nose between her slick folds. His tongue darted out to stroke a long line from her opening to her clit, where he sucked hard and fast at the bundle of nerves, causing her to cry out and grasp the back of the sofa. He repeated the action several times, working her into a frenzy, enjoying the desperate bucking of her hips.
His tongue focused devotedly on her clit, and he frigged the little bud mercilessly. He penetrated her with his forefinger, and, feeling her so slick, quickly added his middle finger, thrusting them in and out of her tight heat as his tongue worked furiously against her clit. He bent his fingers just so, hitting her most sensitive spot, and rubbed with the same intensity as his tongue.
Suddenly, she was seeing stars and screaming his name as she climaxed around his fingers. His mouth moved to her opening to lap up some of her juices, then he retreated, and she felt like crying out at the loss of his touch.
His hand curled around the nape of her neck, pulling her up, and she stood on wobbly legs for a mere moment before he spun her around and bent her over the arm of the sofa. His fingers caressed down the length of her back, and he bent to press a hot, wet kiss to the hollow of her spine before straightening.
He took his tumescent cock in hand, and lashed her teasingly across her arse cheeks with it. "Consider this your lesson learned," he growled, his velvet voice at its lowest timbre.
He thrust forward in one smooth, powerful motion, seating himself to the hilt. His eyes closed at the sensation of her tight sheath squeezing him completely, and he took a breath and palmed her cheeks before angling her up and retreating, then surging powerfully back into her.
She keened beneath him, a desperate, deeply desirous sound that sent a wave of satisfaction through him. She reached back and wrapped her hand over his wrist, holding onto him for dear life as he pounded into her at an increasing pace. The sounds escaping her were now a mixture of delighted sobs and beseeching wails, increasing in pitch and volume as he slipped his hand between her pelvis and the sofa to seek out her clit and stroke it insistently.
"Give it to me," she begged him on a moan.
"You want it?" he taunted, pumping into her relentlessly. He grabbed a handful of her curls and tilted her head back. "Tell me what you think of my cock now, Granger."
She grunted, her body roughly jolted with each thrust. "It's… it's…" She screamed as he changed his upstroke to glide along her g-spot.
"It's what?" he demanded, his fingers digging into her hip as he felt his balls contract.
"It's Merlin's gift!" she cried, and shrieked as her walls clamped down on said gift as she came violently.
With a great shout he released inside her, the feel of her tight heat milking him of every last drop causing him to feel dizzy. His body quaked as the last of his seed filled her, and she shuddered beneath him, still keening softly against the sofa cushions.
Scooping her up and against his chest, he moved to lay back on the sofa, pulling her with him, so that her bum rested between his legs and she lay with her back against his torso. His arm banded around her waist, beneath her breasts, and he stroked the underside of the nearest one as they lay trying to regain their senses.
A thought suddenly occurred to him, and he frowned. "Weren't you supposed to have patrol duties tonight?"
She laughed softly. "I switched with Pomona."
He snorted derisively.
"At least she can handle it if something goes wrong," Hermione teased.
He pinched her nipple. "Don't make me teach you another lesson."
She twisted her upper body so she could gaze up at him. "Oh, but I so love your lessons. In fact, I think I need another right now," she suggested seductively.
All at once came loud, frantic knocking on her chamber door, and she moved swiftly from his lap. "Accio," she summoned, and her floral dressing gown flew into her hands. She hastily donned it as she moved toward the door.
Severus frowned at her retreating back. "You're aware that gown is transparent, yes?"
Hermione ignored him and cracked open the door.
"Pomona!" she said in surprise.
"You're needed in the Headmistress' office," the older witch wheezed. "A Gryffindor second-year decided to use Alohomora to get into the Head Girl's room, and I'm afraid Minerva is considering expulsion."
"Oh, for goodness sake!" Hermione groaned in disbelief. She tightened the belt of her robe and sent an apologetic look to Severus, who was reclining rather insouciantly on her sofa, a smug smirk on his face.
"Boys will be boys," he intoned nonchalantly.