Atonement
The snow was beginning to fall. Merida pulled her gloves farther back on her hands and buried her face in the scarf around her neck. But it was still no good. The cold was still everywhere, coming at her from every possible angle, sneaking in under every fold and crease, settling into an icicle somewhere around her center.
But cold as she was, she couldn't be concerned with it right now. Merida picked her way carefully and silently down the hill and into the valley towards the cave she had spotted from the tree line. The descent was rough and was made no easier by the limited light provided from the lantern she had hung on Angus' saddle to break the darkness of the winter's night. Merida clung to jagged roots and found her footing on unstable rocks as she inched down the steep incline, thankful for her thick gloves that kept her hands dry and warm. It was sometime before she felt the level ground of the valley floor under her feet.
The frozen leaves on the ground crunched softly under her heavy boots as she approached the entrance, keeping all her senses alert, ready to make a run for it if she had to.
A strong smell of fish clung to the cave but under that, the scent of rosewood floated. And under that drifted another scent, one she couldn't place but that brought to mind so many things: nights in front of the fire, the squeak of a rocking chair, arms holding her in a tight embrace, the rumble of a soft comforting laugh…
This time. This had to be it.
She crouched down in the gathering snow, ignoring the cold and the wet that seeped into the front of her winter clothes. A softly as she dared, she crawled forward towards the mouth of the cave.
The entrance was dark and still. At first glance it appeared empty but as her eyes adjusted to the pitch darkness, she was able to make out a shape.
A dozen feet inside the entrance of the cave, an enormous bear slumbered. Her heart caught in her throat. She licked her drying lips. She had found her at last. Hi mum… She longed to say those words. But her mouth would not cooperate. It kept dry and silent.
Even though she knew it was a bad idea, Merida crept closer. She had to be sure…
Farther behind the bear in the darkness, two young cubs were curled up together, snout to tail, keeping each other warm.
Two cubs… only two. There was no way to tell who was left. Or even if it was them.
A slight breeze sent Merida's hair flying towards the entrance of the cave along with a few hard pellets of snow. The large bear shifted and Merida all but froze to the ground beneath her. A head drowsy with sleep lifted from giant paws and blinked.
Merida was less than six feet from the bear but it could have been six miles and made no difference. If she moved, she was dead. If she came into the bear's line of vision, dead.
She wanted nothing more than to stand, take those few steps forward and bury herself in her mother's soft black fur. To feel that powerful heartbeat against her own again and know that this was her mother, the woman who had created her, the woman who would always be there for her and love her.
But it was not her mother. Everything of Elinor had been stripped away and smothered beneath the skin of the bear. She would not remember anything: not her name, her home, her true form or the face of her daughter, the one who had condemned her to this fate.
If she saw Merida, a human so close to her slumbering cubs, she would kill her without a second's hesitation.
So Merida kept still and silent, staring up at the bear.
After a moment, the bear snorted loudly, gave a moan and settled back down.
Merida began to breathe again, feeling her eyes trying desperately to squeeze her tears out. The action failed but whether from the bitter cold strangling its way over her or the iron clamp around her heart she couldn't tell.
A good inch of snow had blanketed her before she finally crawled backwards, well away from the cave entrance and rose to her feet again.
She traipsed back across the freshly fallen snow, occasionally sinking up to her ankles as she passed over a dip in the forest floor. The fallen snow made it infinitely harder to climb back up the hill to where she had left Angus and made her gloves into a sopping mess that clung uncomfortably to her skin. She fumbled with the stirrups and with some difficultly, pulled herself up into the saddle, relishing the waves of heat coming off of her horse and scorching her frozen center. For a while, she lay there on his back, facing the cave that held her family, imagining she could still see them within. Once she felt warm enough to move again, they rode away into the night. She didn't look back.
Somewhere in the woods, a raven cawed.
The light in the King's chamber still shone bright and strong. He was always up, waiting for her, leaving a light on for when she returned to the castle after long nights of fruitless searches. After settling Angus in for the night, Merida climbed the stairs and entered her father's chambers, still feeling like a human icicle. King Fergus turned from his place at the window.
Her father just had to look at her and he knew.
"Was… is she… happy?" Merida only nodded, her throat tight.
"And the boys?" Another nod. The alternative was too painful.
Fergus turned away, back towards the window that was being peppered with the thick snowflakes of a coming long, hard winter.
"They're settlin' down for the winter… I remember where the cave is… I can take you there…"
Her father didn't look at her. He didn't say anything. He just sat at the window, watching the snow blanket his kingdom. After a few minutes of silence, Merida left, pulling the door closed behind her.
The short walk from her father's room to her own did little to warm her frozen body. Her boots trailed a lazy line of melting snow after her as the snow in her hair began to soak through to her head.
The door to her room closed behind her with a solid thud. She carefully placed her bow and quiver on their hooks by her wardrobe and stripped off her wet gloves, scarf and boots. She hung them and her dripping cloak by the flickering fire that had died as the sun grew closer to rising. She peeled the sweaty, soaked dress from her skin and shimmied out of it. Leaving it where it fell on the floor, she crawled under the sheets of her bed completely naked, the sheets scratching uncomfortably against her sensitive half-thawed toes, nipples and nose but beginning to warm her all the same. Merida drew herself up into a ball, cradling that tiny ball of heat as close as possible.
It was only then that the inevitable tears came.
Merida sobbed into her pillow so not even she could hear her misery. He still blamed her. He'd never say it, but she knew. She had taken his wife away from him, his queen, his rock. All from a selfish, stupid act.
She thought she'd cried all her tears. She thought they'd frozen to her face or settled somewhere in her heart where she would never find them again. Where they could not remind her.
Merida pulled her cold limbs closer and imagined they were her mother's; wrapping around her, filling her with warmth and security, love, compassion. Forgiveness.
But no matter how hard she imagined, it never felt real.
She couldn't even remember the last time she had hugged her mother.
On her nightstand, the bear carving watched over her; its eyes empty and emotionless.
Author's Note: For those of you following Reaching, an update is coming soon, I promise! For those of you not following Reaching, please do. :)
Peace!
wolfchic011
10/1/12