MILEY CYRUS' NEW ALBUM
PART ONE:
As Miley Cyrus was having trouble sleeping in her Four Seasons hotel room. After a night of tossing and turning, her ringtone, "Turn on the Lights" by Future sounded.
"Hello?" Miley whispered.
"Miley? This is Dr. Luke."
"Who?" Miley said in a confused manner.
"Are you high? I'm your producer! Luke Gottwald! The "Since U Been Gone" guy!"
"I took some molly last night. That's why I can't fuckin' sleep and think clearly. Why'd you call me?"
"Well, we were thinking about how you have so many rivaling singers like this Lorde girl and we want to push you to make another album, produced by me."
"Hold up. You want me to make another fuckin' album?" Miley asked angrily.
"Yes," Dr. Luke said. "I thought it would be-"
"I just made Bangerz! That was like such a dope album too!"
"Relax."
"Don't tell me to fucking relax bro! I want time to rest dammit!"
"Yeah, you will get time to rest. But Miley, just ask yourself this: Do you want to be the best pop star of all time? Mentioned in the same breath as Whitney Houston, Madonna, even Katy fucking Perry! C'mon girl! And also, you'll need to trim down. Let's go to Weight Watchers!"
"WHAT THE FUCKIN' FUCK FUCKAROO? I'M NOT GOING!"
Dr. Luke jumped out of her closet and pulled out a .44 magnum.
"HOLY SHIT!," Miley exclaimed.
"You're gonna fucking come with me! I'm fuckin' Dr. Luke! I cause all the pop stars to be anorexic! Bwahahaha!"
"Uh, uhuhuh...okay." Miley Cyrus said in the manner of a dog with PTSD.
PART TWO:
The two were on their way to Weight Watchers. Miley was stiff and nervous. Dr. Luke was driving well over the freeway speed limit of 70 mph in his new Bugatti. Then, after getting off an exit and blowing a red light, the colors of the American flag were shining in his mirrors.
"Pull over!"
Dr. Luke pulled over and took wads of one-hundred dollar bills and threw them out his Bugatti window. The police then ground to a halt, and had the faces of an NAACP member hearing about a Dance Moms routine about Rosa Parks. They then realized they were in front of a Dunkin Donuts and jumped out of the car and dashed out of the car, albeit slowly since their combined weight would probably break an elevator. Miley Cyrus was half-asleep when her eyes bulged at the sight of a Weight Watchers sign.
"Dude, there it is!"
"Uh...what?" Dr. Luke said.
"Weight Watchers!" Miley exclaimed.
"Oh yeah." Dr. Luke accelerated down the road, and ran over a few obese rabbits.
"Wait, why are we going past the…"
SMACK.
Miley Cyrus was smacked with a pistol, and Dr. Luke drove off, blasting "Since U Been Gone" and singing along while vigorously masturbating to images of Abercrombie and Fitch ready models on his phone.
PART THREE:
If justice existed, Dr. Luke would have driven into a telephone pole. Well, life sucks buddy, get used to it (Taylor Swift should read this). If there is such thing as Chris Brown winning Grammys after turning Rihanna's face into a clusterfuck of Chinese McDonald's' ready meat, this has to exist too.
Dr. Luke pulled into the parking lot of what appeared to be an abandoned Krispy Creme donut shop, and hopped out of the car with Miley Cyrus in his arms.
"What kind of patient have you brought in today?" a masked man exclaimed with joy?
"I'll give you a hint." Dr. Luke started twerking like a perverted businessman.
"That guy in the 'Turn Down for What' video!"
Dr. Luke smacked the masked man in the balls.
"OWWWWW!"
"I brought a Cyrus family member dammit!"
"Is it French Montana?"
Dr. Luke kicked the guy between his sweaty buttcheeks.
"ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?" Dr. Luke wailed.
The guy took off his mask. "No, but my flow is!" Will. said. "Buy my album #Willpower! In case you couldn't tell, Britney Spears is on the album! AND OH MY GOD, IT'S RIHANNA!"
Dr. Luke smacked himself. "No, it's Miley Cyrus. She found out about our secret of creating shallow and lifeless popstars. We also picked Kesha up and threw her in the trunk. I put some rophenol in her Jack Daniels toothpaste."
Will. said, "Did you have sex with her?"
Dr. Luke laughed. "NO WAY. She's like 150 pounds, and that's 145 pounds too fat!"
Will. said, "okay, let's get working on changing her image. First, that hair needs to go. She looks like a fucking dyke!"
"Yeah. I would go back in time to marry Hannah Montana. My first question would be 'how do you feel on a scale of one to seventeen babe.'"
Then, a noise at a nearly inaudible frequency whispered "Will. ? Is that you? Why do you have that in your hand?"
"Oh, I'll put the pistol away."
"No, your other hand." Miley Cyrus said.
"Oh. Sorry, I'm practicing for...uh...I'm impersonating Robin Thicke! They don't call him Throbbin' Rick for nothin'!"
"Um...nobody calls him that."
"I call myself that. Damn that anal at the VMAs was pretty damn smokin'!"
"Can someone tell me where the bathroom is?" Nick Jonas said in the voice of Satan.
Robin Thicke pointed to Miley's dumper.
"Welcome to the club Miley!" a sad Nicki Minaj said as Lil Wayne was staring at Nicki Minaj and performing autofellatio.
"Oh GOD DAMMIT!" Miley screamed. Miley, revealing her bestial form, with a 400 pound ass and a 1,000 pound tongue.
"Oh God." Will. screamed in an autotuned voice.
"My vision is blurry now." Robin Thicke said as he dropped his plastic bag filled with ketamine.
"AAAAHHHHHH!" Lil Wayne screamed in an autotuned voice.
Nicki Minaj was speechless and screamed in her Roman voice "Bitch! You is fake! Young Money for Life! Bitches be worshipping me in the synagogue!"
Miley Cyrus ate all of them (except for Lil Wayne since he even looks like an STD), ripping Dr. Luke's intestines to shreds, crushing Nicki Minaj's ass with her molars, crushing Robin Thicke's boner with her tongue and drowning him in saliva, biting Will. 's head off and spitting out the computer in his head as he screamed "see you in 3008 bitch!", and stealing Nick Jonas' insulin and swallowing him whole as he prayed.
"We'll see about this!" brokeNCYDE, Design the Skyline, and Lil Wayne screamed, but then Kesha burst out of the trunk in her bestial form and crushed all of them with her mammoth pedicured toes.
"Let's get outta here!" Miley said.
"Yeah," Kesha said, "I'm going to make a drone record with Yoko Ono! What album will you make, Miley?"
"A jazz album with Kenny G!"
Kesha gave Miley a dirty look as they both laughed and embraced eachother.