Title: Snape and Certain Sandwiches Don't Mix
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts
Snape was patrolling the corridors, and munching on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves, when a strange little creature appeared before him.
"Hello," it squeaked, "I'm-!"
Snape kicked the funny little creature aside, and continued walking while munching on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves. He turned a corner, and saw Percy Weasley snogging Penelope Clearwater. For whatever reason, Percy was wearing a girdle outside of his clothes. Not that he needed one, but there you are. Snape winced, and hurried on by, taking another bite of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves. Approaching a staircase, he ascended and let it take him where it would.
Somewhere on the 150th floor (hey, in the movie those stairs look infinite) Snape found an interesting corridor filled with singing lollipops. Even though Snape knew that Dumbledore harvested these lollipops because they were a rare breed of exquisite taste, this didn't keep him from being slightly creeped out. Not too creeped out, mind you, for Snape continued to walk and eat his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves.
Halfway down the curving corridor, Snape ran across Filch on his hands and knees, licking one of the singing lollipops. He wasn't wearing anything. Snape, kicked Filch's bare, bony ass, and went on his way, licking apricot preserves from Filch's-just kidding! He was licking the apricot preserves from his own fingers, you pervert. The strange harmonies concocted by the singing lollipops were beginning to remind him of a bad acid trip back in 1976. This wasn't the first time Severus seriously questioned Dumbledore's mental health. He must remember to tell the Headmaster he'd caught Filch licking Albus' special lollipops-candy lollipops, you demented freaks! The idea of Filch licking anything else-let's continue, shall we?
By now Snape had finished his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves. He sure could have gone for a tall glass of chocolate milk. A large onyx door distracted Snape from pictures of chocolate milk swirling about his nude body. Wait a damn second-what the hell was Lockhart doing in Snape's daydream? Well, I'll tell you: Lockhart, too, was nude, waving, and smiling as he promoted his new book "Why Do Those Lollipops Sing When I Suck Them Like That?"
Snape shook his head to clear it, studied the door, and tried the knob. The door opened quite easily. It opened into a small room filled with a large hopscotch the size of I-don't-know-what, but it sure was big. Flitwick and Madam Hooch were throwing stones at Dobby while yelling, "Dance elf, dance!" Wait a tick, those aren't stones, they're gold coins. That isn't Dobby they're throwing the gold coins at! No, farther on down is none other than Legolas doing a pirouette. Well, that explains that.
Elrond looks up from his clipboard, notices Snape, and says, "We're all booked for the winter! Try the next nonsensical fantasy in room 24B."
Well, what else could Snape do but purchase a ticket for room 24B? The bus finally pulls up, the doors open, and none other than Jareth the Goblin King is behind the wheel. He's wearing a chauffeur hat, and doesn't bother to take the cigarette from his mouth when he tells Snape, "Hop in. There's room for one more."
There's something about his voice that Snape doesn't like, but he hands Jareth his ticket, and boards the bus. Snape takes a seat directly behind the driver. Across from him there sits a very pretty girl with long black hair. She's studying a map with a confused expression.
"Right then. Sarah, where do I turn?"
"I don't know! This isn't a normal map."
"Whatever do you mean, you silly girl?"
"There aren't any lines, just...nonsense."
"Such as?"
"This reads in binary digits."
"Damn those Rivendell swine," curses Jareth, pours himself a double black jack, bolts it, and pours another.
Sarah rolls her eyes, and tosses the map aside. "Well I guess you're a little late for the new technological dawn."
"Would you like to drive?"
"No."
"Too bad. It's time to change into my next outfit."
"I'll just get off here," announces Snape, thoroughly weirded out by these strange people.
"Good, because I can't drive," Sarah tells him.
After the bus swerves out of sight, Snape at last finds room 24B.
"Welcome to the Art of Sexual Healing," booms a deep, sexy voice.
Snape grins, for he appears to have found his paradise. He eagerly enters the room and rushes to the nearest empty seat.
"Why, hello, Severus. I am so very glad you could join us. You may be Sybil's partner for today," greets the cheerful voice of Albus Dumbledore. He the turns to address the person on his left. "You may continue, Mr. Longbottom."
Snape suddenly feels very dead below his waistline.
"And that," says a trembling Neville, "is why you should never use your toes to apply a condom."
Everyone in the room applauds. Snape is horrified to see Merry, Pippin, and Gandalf present at this scandalous soiree. Gilderoy Lockhart is not absent, and what the hell are Burt and Ernie doing here? Snape doesn't know who the hell Burt and Ernie are, but you and I sure as hell do. Let's just say that when Elmo shows up, brandishes a whip, and says, "Elmo wants to love you too!" Snape loses his sanity and runs screaming from room 24B. He's almost run over by the now dangerously swerving bus driven by a now dangerously drunken Jareth the Goblin King, who is now wearing everything save his trademark tights.
"Get a haircut, ya hippie," Jareth yells at the horrified Snape. "I know room 24B is very close. Sarah, check the map!"
"But that's not fair! You used it to smoke your last joint."
"Go me," says Jareth, annoyed at the entire situation, and drives off.
And that is why, to this day, Snape refuses to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with apricot preserves.
~FIN~
A/N: Please note that all sudden changes in verb tense are entirely intentional. Have a jolly nice day!
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts
Snape was patrolling the corridors, and munching on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves, when a strange little creature appeared before him.
"Hello," it squeaked, "I'm-!"
Snape kicked the funny little creature aside, and continued walking while munching on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves. He turned a corner, and saw Percy Weasley snogging Penelope Clearwater. For whatever reason, Percy was wearing a girdle outside of his clothes. Not that he needed one, but there you are. Snape winced, and hurried on by, taking another bite of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves. Approaching a staircase, he ascended and let it take him where it would.
Somewhere on the 150th floor (hey, in the movie those stairs look infinite) Snape found an interesting corridor filled with singing lollipops. Even though Snape knew that Dumbledore harvested these lollipops because they were a rare breed of exquisite taste, this didn't keep him from being slightly creeped out. Not too creeped out, mind you, for Snape continued to walk and eat his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves.
Halfway down the curving corridor, Snape ran across Filch on his hands and knees, licking one of the singing lollipops. He wasn't wearing anything. Snape, kicked Filch's bare, bony ass, and went on his way, licking apricot preserves from Filch's-just kidding! He was licking the apricot preserves from his own fingers, you pervert. The strange harmonies concocted by the singing lollipops were beginning to remind him of a bad acid trip back in 1976. This wasn't the first time Severus seriously questioned Dumbledore's mental health. He must remember to tell the Headmaster he'd caught Filch licking Albus' special lollipops-candy lollipops, you demented freaks! The idea of Filch licking anything else-let's continue, shall we?
By now Snape had finished his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with apricot preserves. He sure could have gone for a tall glass of chocolate milk. A large onyx door distracted Snape from pictures of chocolate milk swirling about his nude body. Wait a damn second-what the hell was Lockhart doing in Snape's daydream? Well, I'll tell you: Lockhart, too, was nude, waving, and smiling as he promoted his new book "Why Do Those Lollipops Sing When I Suck Them Like That?"
Snape shook his head to clear it, studied the door, and tried the knob. The door opened quite easily. It opened into a small room filled with a large hopscotch the size of I-don't-know-what, but it sure was big. Flitwick and Madam Hooch were throwing stones at Dobby while yelling, "Dance elf, dance!" Wait a tick, those aren't stones, they're gold coins. That isn't Dobby they're throwing the gold coins at! No, farther on down is none other than Legolas doing a pirouette. Well, that explains that.
Elrond looks up from his clipboard, notices Snape, and says, "We're all booked for the winter! Try the next nonsensical fantasy in room 24B."
Well, what else could Snape do but purchase a ticket for room 24B? The bus finally pulls up, the doors open, and none other than Jareth the Goblin King is behind the wheel. He's wearing a chauffeur hat, and doesn't bother to take the cigarette from his mouth when he tells Snape, "Hop in. There's room for one more."
There's something about his voice that Snape doesn't like, but he hands Jareth his ticket, and boards the bus. Snape takes a seat directly behind the driver. Across from him there sits a very pretty girl with long black hair. She's studying a map with a confused expression.
"Right then. Sarah, where do I turn?"
"I don't know! This isn't a normal map."
"Whatever do you mean, you silly girl?"
"There aren't any lines, just...nonsense."
"Such as?"
"This reads in binary digits."
"Damn those Rivendell swine," curses Jareth, pours himself a double black jack, bolts it, and pours another.
Sarah rolls her eyes, and tosses the map aside. "Well I guess you're a little late for the new technological dawn."
"Would you like to drive?"
"No."
"Too bad. It's time to change into my next outfit."
"I'll just get off here," announces Snape, thoroughly weirded out by these strange people.
"Good, because I can't drive," Sarah tells him.
After the bus swerves out of sight, Snape at last finds room 24B.
"Welcome to the Art of Sexual Healing," booms a deep, sexy voice.
Snape grins, for he appears to have found his paradise. He eagerly enters the room and rushes to the nearest empty seat.
"Why, hello, Severus. I am so very glad you could join us. You may be Sybil's partner for today," greets the cheerful voice of Albus Dumbledore. He the turns to address the person on his left. "You may continue, Mr. Longbottom."
Snape suddenly feels very dead below his waistline.
"And that," says a trembling Neville, "is why you should never use your toes to apply a condom."
Everyone in the room applauds. Snape is horrified to see Merry, Pippin, and Gandalf present at this scandalous soiree. Gilderoy Lockhart is not absent, and what the hell are Burt and Ernie doing here? Snape doesn't know who the hell Burt and Ernie are, but you and I sure as hell do. Let's just say that when Elmo shows up, brandishes a whip, and says, "Elmo wants to love you too!" Snape loses his sanity and runs screaming from room 24B. He's almost run over by the now dangerously swerving bus driven by a now dangerously drunken Jareth the Goblin King, who is now wearing everything save his trademark tights.
"Get a haircut, ya hippie," Jareth yells at the horrified Snape. "I know room 24B is very close. Sarah, check the map!"
"But that's not fair! You used it to smoke your last joint."
"Go me," says Jareth, annoyed at the entire situation, and drives off.
And that is why, to this day, Snape refuses to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with apricot preserves.
~FIN~
A/N: Please note that all sudden changes in verb tense are entirely intentional. Have a jolly nice day!