Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, or its characters and storylines. Those all belong to Shonda Rhimes and ABC.
Little Moments: Season 9
Let the Tears Fall (Chapter 1):
Callie closed the bedroom door, sucked in a much needed breath, and let the tears fall. The physically exhausted and emotionally brunette leaned against the door and just cried. She'd been doing that a lot lately. She tried to keep it together, especially at work or around Sofia. But sometimes, she couldn't help the overwhelming sense of loss and devastation that took over her whole being. Sometimes she couldn't help the sorrow that lingered in her heart, knowing her best friend would never walk through the door again with their beloved baby in his arms…knowing her wife may never walk at all, and that their happy, almost perfect life would never be the same. Sometimes it was all just too much.
Callie sighed a heavy sigh as she turned her limp body towards the door again. The weight of the world was on her shoulders, and the one person who could always make it better hated her right now. More than anything, Callie wanted to burst through that door, take her wife's beautifully sad, sweet face in her hands, and kiss her with all of the love she had inside. Maybe then, Arizona would get it. Maybe then, she would understand that there was never any other choice. Maybe then, she would realize that her life was still worth living.
The brunette pressed her forehead against the cold slab of wood, knowing deep down in her heart that things would never go that way. Arizona wasn't ready, or willing, to deal with anything at all. She would just push Callie away again. And Callie wasn't strong enough for more than one battle that night. She had just returned home from the hospital she used to love- the place she and Mark used to pick Sofia up and walk home from every night…the place she used to share lunches, and visits to the daycare, and on-call room trysts with her wife. Now Mark was dead, and Arizona was living as if she was dead too. The tears fell once more, hard and fast, like the incessant beating of Callie's broken heart.
On the other side of the door, Arizona could hear the heavy sobs being stifled by the woman she loved. She could hear the sniffles, and sighs, and quiet moans that normally would make her feel as if someone removed her own heart and broke it in two. But her heart was already broken. She didn't have room for anyone else's sorrow. She didn't have room to worry about how Callie was feeling, or think about how Mark was removed from life support hours earlier, or remember that she had a little girl who needed her. She didn't have room for anything but anger, despair, and self-destruction. Arizona had chosen the path of blame, and self-pity, and defeat. Mentally and emotionally, her physical state had taken its toll, and the blonde had chosen her path. She wasn't a woman easily swayed.
The cries on the other side of the door came to an abrupt halt, and Arizona turned her head and rested it on the pillow. She closed her eyes, willing the tears not to build behind them. She wasn't going to cry. She didn't care about anything or anyone. Her life was over. She would never heal tiny humans again. She would never teach Sofia to use the toddler sized Heelies that were hidden in the top of the closet for Christmas. She would never be the woman her gorgeous wife had married. She would never be whole again.
Like it or not, tears fell from the desolate, blue eyes that were once filled with joyful light. Arizona buried her face deeper into the pillow, unwilling to let Callie hear the sorrow for fear that the brunette may try to comfort her…and more so, that she may let her. No. The walls would not be coming down anytime soon.
"Sofia's up from her nap," Callie announced, suddenly breaking the blonde from her melancholy thoughts.
Arizona could hear her daughter's sweet voice as she babbled to the stuffed leopard she carried with her everywhere. For a split second, she thought about trying to get out of bed and spend some time with Sofia. But that would mean letting Callie in.
When she received no response, the brunette cracked open the door. Sofia was on her hip, snuggling into her shoulder. "Arizona…did you hear me? The baby's up…"
"Mama," Sofia cried, lunging forward to try and get to the woman she adored.
Callie leaned down to place Sofia on the floor, hoping Arizona would at least let their daughter love her tonight.
But the blonde couldn't. She just couldn't allow even the smallest fragment of joy into her life. She only made eye contact with the baby for a split second before she chose to shut the world out once more. "No," Arizona yelled as she turned her head away from her girls. "I don't want to see her."
She regretted the words the instant they left her mouth, her heart shattering as much as the woman whose horrified gasp filled the air. Arizona Robbins loved that little girl more than anything, and she despised herself for the pain she was inevitably causing her daughter. Callie was right earlier. Sofia had just lost a parent. The daddy she loved and depended on was gone forever. It wasn't fair. And it certainly wasn't fair that Sofia's mama was leaving her too. Yes…Arizona Robbins hated herself.
"Arizona, please…you, y-you don't mean that," Callie insisted, brown eyes filled with tears. "Please, honey. She just needs to know you're here. You don't have to be all cheery, o-or pretend everything's okay. Just hold her for a few minutes. Let her know her mama hasn't disappeared too."
"I can't, Calliope," Arizona whispered, locking eyes with the brunette. In that moment, there was no blame, or anger, or hatred. There was just the two of them, blue eyes reflected in brown as their souls briefly connected. "Please, take her out of here. She doesn't need to see this- see me like this."
"Yes. Yes, she does," Callie stated, staring deep into the endless ocean of blue before her. "She needs to see you, no matter what. She needs to see that her mama is still here, even if she isn't quite the same. She needs to see that it's okay that you're not the same…that you're still the same woman who has loved her and cared for her since you first got her heart beating. You need to see that, Arizona. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see that it doesn't matter? You are still you. You are still a doctor, and Sofia's mother, and my wife. You are still the same person you always were…"
"No I am not," Arizona screamed, the shrill sound of her voiced startling Sofia. The little girl clung to her mommy's leg, turning away from the blue eyes she had been trying to reach. "How dare you. How dare you say it doesn't matter? How dare you come in here and tell me that I'm the same. I am not the same. I can't walk. I can barely get myself from one place to another…"
"Because you're not trying," Callie said, teeth gritted as not to yell back. "You have to get up, out of that God-forsaken bed, and start trying. Try to balance. Try to use the wheelchair, or the crutches, or me. Lean on me, Arizona. That's what I'm here for."
"Oh, really?" the blonde questioned, shooting daggers with her eyes. "I thought you were here to break promises and make terrible, horrible decisions, and ruin my life."
Callie inhaled sharply, fists clenched at her sides. She wasn't going to win this battle anytime soon. The brunette looked down at Sofia, whose little body was beginning to tremble. She had never heard her mama yell like that before. No matter what they were going through, it wasn't fair to subject Sofia to this.
"I'm going to fix us some dinner. I'll bring your plate in when it's ready," Callie said, her voice emotionless as she slammed the door shut behind her.
Arizona buried her head deep into her pillow, blocking her airways enough that she was struggling to breath. Maybe it would be better for everyone that way. Maybe they could all be put out of their misery if she just ended it now.
But then she heard something. Her head lifted off of the pillow and her ears perked in the direction of the most beautiful sound. Callie had music playing in the kitchen, just like every other night when she made dinner. Sofia was dancing around with her leopard. The blonde didn't have to see it to know the scene that was playing out…only this time, without her presence. And then she heard it again- the wonderful, joyful sound of her daughter's laughter. It filled the air and her heart…and in that moment, Arizona Robbins knew she couldn't give up.
She glanced across the room at the picture of her brother that sat on the dresser. Timothy stared back at her, not with pity or disgust, but with courage and determination. "We are fighters, Arizona. Robbins' don't give up," he seemed to tell her, his blue eyes mirroring her own.
But today was only one of many in a long line of battles, and Arizona knew that. She was too stubborn to cope with reality just yet, so she would continue to fight anyone and everything that got in the way of her self-destruction. She was going to have to hit rock bottom before she could even consider coming back up.
Arizona threw back the covers and looked at the space where he left leg used to be. She thought about Mark and the space across the hall where he would never be again. Mark- a person she had somehow grown to love very much, was gone. He was never coming back. For him, the battle was over.
Once again, her insides filled with utter disgust. Not because she had an ugly stump where the long, slender leg she used to wrap around Callie's body once resided. Not because life had handed her a crappy hand, and it would take months of hard work and perseverance to do all the things she once took for granted. No…Arizona was disgusted with herself. Any hatred Callie felt coming towards her at the moment paled in comparison to the pure revulsion she felt whenever she looked in the mirror.
Arizona had already won the hardest battle of all- the fight to stay alive. She had made it out of the plane crash alive. She had come home to her wife and daughter. She should be grateful for that. The blonde no longer felt the tears that were streaming down her face, her body and soul so numb to the pain. She stared at the door- the pathway to her life. She just stared and cried her silent tears until once again, that door was opened.
Arizona sat up straight and tried to wipe the evidence of her emotional journey from her face before Callie could see. But Callie saw everything. She understood every move the blonde was making, and no matter how hard it all was for her, she promised them both that she would stick it out. Just as she had promised her wife on their wedding day. For better or worse…in sickness and health…til death do us part.
Calliope Torres wanted so badly to take away her wife's pain…to comfort her, and hold her, and just love her. Because she would always love Arizona. The woman was her soul mate…the one…the love of her life.
"Dinner's ready," the brunette whispered, averting her eyes from the saddest shade of blue she had ever seen.
Callie expected to be yelled at, or told to leave, or have something thrown at her. But instead, Arizona simply mumbled, "thank you."
"You're welcome," Callie replied as she placed the tray of food down on the small table her wife had been keeping next to the bed. She offered Arizona a small smile, then wiped the remaining tears from her pale cheeks. "It's your favorite," the brunette whispered, gesturing to the plate of food. "Please, try and eat a little."
Arizona nodded and worked her way closer to the table. She turned her head when she heard Sofia calling out from the high chair. "Mommy…cup, Mommy," she called, pointing to the sippy cup she had dropped on the floor.
"Be right there, baby," Callie hollered, glancing at the little girl over her shoulder.
"Hi…h-hi baby g-girl," Arizona stammered, craning her neck to catch a glimpse of their daughter.
The blonde's voice was so low, she wasn't sure Callie had even heard her. But the smile on her wife's face let her know she did.
"Hi, Mama," Sofia screamed, waving wildly with a big grin plastered across her face.
"Well, I'd better get back to her," Callie said, meeting Arizona's eyes again briefly. "You should eat and, a-and get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a new day."
Arizona didn't try to hide her tears this time. She let them fall, taking one tiny step towards letting her wife in. "Goodnight, Calliope," she whispered as Callie made her way out of the door.
"Goodnight, Arizona," Callie whispered back. And out of the corner of her eye, the brunette swore she saw a small smile form on her wife's lips. It was only there a second, but that smile filled Callie's heart with hope, and love, and life. Tomorrow was going to be a new day.
A/N: Okay, so I just couldn't not write a little moments after this week's episode. Had to spend every free moment of my time to get this chapter out, but it was soooo worth it! Can't stop thinking about the journey our girls are going to take, and only hope that it ends up being an amazing season for Sara and Jessica, as well as Callie and Arizona! Please take a moment (if you can) to let me know what you thought about this chapter. I really tried to pour my heart and soul into it, and take the SL where I could see it going. Hope you all liked it. Happy Grey's Season 9 and Happy Fall! My favorite time of year. Love the leaves here in New England, Halloween is totally my favorite holiday, and me and my love are celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary! What could be better about October? Hope life is good to all of you, thanks for reading.