Escapades of the Hogwarts Laundry Room:
As told by Lumpy the house elf
[Author's Note:::As we all know, many mysteries and secrets are hidden within the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Perhaps none so mysterious as to the ever impending question: How do its occupants clean their clothing? This is a question that has boggled the minds of fans and devoted readers everywhere. The closest we have come to an answer is the occasional nod or nudge toward the face that some sort of facility exists. For example, in the Second book, Hermione obtains new robes for Harry and Ron to wear post-polyjuice potion, reporting that she took them from the "laundry," thus insinuating that one does, in fact, exist. Also, in Harry's Hogwarts acceptance letter, all students are asked to have name tags sewn into their robes. Obviously, there would have to be some specific reason, such as so not to get the robes confused with one another. But nearer to the point, what else could be done besides laundry in this hidden room?… and who might venture or wander within to do them? This is a series of vaguely related oneshots telling the story of what may have happened within the Hogwarts Laundry Room during our heroes' years as students. Full of humorous, steamy, and entertaining anecdotes of the relationships of the school's various occupants. Please read and review, and if you've any more ideas for laundry room scenarios, private message me or leave it in a review. I'm open for nearly anything at the moment, so let me have it!
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Our story is told from the point of view of Lumpy, the Hogwarts house elf in charge of Laundry, and washing in general. She is a muddy peach color, with rather large ears, one of which characteristically flops like a terrier's. She is not the most cheerful of elves, and she is especially good at nagging. She particularly enjoys eavesdropping on private conversations, which provides us with a means to hear about these incidences in this Laundry room. Without further ado, Here it is:
Escapades of the Hogwarts Laundry Room
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Oh, pants. Lumpy has oh so very much to do before bed. A whole 'nother load of silly little wizard robes, those silly first years, don't they know that hiccupping solution stains? And then lumpy must go and clean up the dinner mess, oh yes indeed, never does lumpy get a wink of sleep, not so long as silly red head twins keep brewing up their messy sweets, Lumpy will have to clean up after them, won't she… But first Lumpy must finish here, with the laundry. Then Lumpy will be able to take a nice sleep, for a whole 3 hours even, because Lumpy doesn't have to help make the breakfast tomorrow, lucky Lumpy indeed…
But what is this? A strange and gangly red head boy? Ah yes, a ginger whats-they're-calleds, a wheezy. But how did the wheezy get in? the Hogwarts Laundry room
is quite difficult to find, one would have to know the correct way in, and it isn't easy at all, no, took
Winky three months to find it! Who could know that one must find the picture of the washwoman in the first floor portrait room, let alone know that the password is "Bleach?"….. Wait a moment. Lumpy may have mentioned it to the odd student who asked nicely… Lumpy always was a sucker for polite wizards and witches… Lumpy must remember to ask mr. lumble-pore to change the password…
And oh, but what's this? A little witchy followed the wheezy inside… what a silly grin on her face, she must be looking for the wheezy. Lumpy is quite glad that the students cannot see her back here, all among the cauldrons. Lumpy is quite the people watcher. Oh my, the wheezy can't hide in that cauldron forever, the girly is likely to find him soon… there we go, she's got him now. The wheezy looks all pale and afraid-like, Lumpy wonders what she'll do to him-- oh, what a sissy little boy, all she does is kiss him… all over his freckly face… good Merlin, is she licking his ear? The wheezy is starting to sweat, it looks like he doesn't like it very much… But whats this now? Does he really think that's going to work on an intelligent girl such as miss Lavender? How daft… oh. Well, that explains it. Lumpy supposes nobody can resist the old "look at that!" trick. It certainly seems to have worked for the wheezy. Miss Lavender is quite the… er… bright child though, I would have expected more brains from her… but look at that, she seems to have conjured up some ropes for the young wheezy… yep, she has him nice and tight, there they go… Lumpy nearly pities the poor little wheezy. Captured in the prime of his magical life, doomed to be oppressed by the woman, never again to… sighs Lumpy is sure…-ish… the wheezy will survive. Most likely. Perhaps. Well, maybe not. Anyways, Lumpy must finish the wash.