Drowning In You
Love him, adore him, worship him even, sometimes. Yet most of the time I hate him. Hate the way he makes me feel, hate the fact he drags me down into my own guild and shame and darkness, even has he drags us all through his. I tell myself, he can't help it, he doesn't mean to. I tell myself it's my own fault for being dragged, after all Cordelia, Fred and Gunn don't have this problem, they're strong, they can separate his pain from theirs and rise above what he's going through. What he forces us all to go through. If I could deny him anything that would help. It's not that hard I tell myself, Cordelia does it all the time, just look him in the eye and stand firm. But it only ever takes on look from him, from those dark, beautiful pain ravaged eyes and I'm putty in his hands. I can't breath I can't bare it. I know in my heart this will destroy me; I know this will destroy us both.
I love him. That's why I do it. That's why I walk into Holts lair without worrying if they'll kill me or not, that's why I don't care if they do. I love him, and he loves Connor, loves his son more then anything else in the world. That's why I'll do it, that's why I'll take Connor, protect Connor. Protect him from Angel, for Angel, because of Angel. Even if he hates me, even if he kills me, even if it destroys me, and it will, I know it will. Betraying Angel will destroy me, the only thing that could.
That last night when I take Conner and see him sitting there looking at me, trusting me, trusting me to bring his son back to him, I want to tell him. . . tell him that I love him, that I will always love. But I don't, I just turn and go. . .
I don't make it of course. I mess up like always; I get it wrong and get my throat slit in the process. They take Conner, and there's nothing I can do, and I know that I'll never see him alive again. Some of the time while I float between life and death, lying in the dirt in that park I wish to die, for betraying Angel for getting it wrong, for loosing Conner. Part of the time I fight for life, to see Angel again, even though I know he'll never forgive me. I fight to live so I can say I'm sorry, so very, very sorry. . .
He doesn't forgive me of course. I wish he had killed me when he tried. When Fred and Gunn pulled him off me, pulled him screaming out of my hospital room I saw the hate in his eyes, the unadulterated hate and loathing and I knew I'd lost the one person who ever really matter to me. Part of my soul died that day, I didn't know it then, didn't really know it, until I looked in to Charles' eyes and told him I never wanted to see him again. Without Angel my life ended, I just kept on painfully breathing.
When I sleep with Lilah I know I'm loosing my soul, I think I've reached the bottom but I'm wrong, that has yet to come. She tells me I shouldn't think of her when she's away. I tell her I wasn't thinking of her when she was here. It's the truth and I think, as she picks up her underwear and walks out of my apartment, how hard she'd laugh if she knew who had I had been thinking of. I'm loosing it, cracking around the edges I know it, and I can't stop. I need direction, I need him. I even need the pain he brings me, the rejection, the sadness, the shame. When I learn he's gone I'm almost relieved. I will live to find him, to bring him back no matter what it takes. I have a purpose again, however crazy, however dark, I'm at the edge and the only way to go is down and I'll go, because I know from here on, everything I do, I do for him.