Heart
Jacob's POV
Tear out my heart. I don't want it anymore. It is a burden, nothing more. Emotions are weaknesses, not privileges, not humanity, nothing but a compromising weight that's crushing me all the time and I just can't take it anymore! This love is messing with me, playing with me like a puppet with no regard for my sanity. This love is seeping into my every thought and opinion, clouding and tainting them until I cannot be exactly sure why I'm doing something. Am I protecting the one I love because I don't want him to get hurt, or because I couldn't live without him? He doesn't know it, but I'm always watching out for him. I would give my life for him; lay it down without a second thought, even if he would care nothing over the action. Even if he were to leave my body laying there and continue on happily, not being affected at all. I do my best to protect him from the rest of my pack, for I know that they are just waiting for the chance to tear out all of the vampires' throats, just as I once was. But now the very thought of anyone harming Edward sends a bolt of terror and fear coursing through my veins.
Fate has a really twisted sense of humour. I mean, why me? Why couldn't all of this pain and chaos get thrown onto someone else's shoulders, instead of mine? Why am I a slave to my own heart? I don't want to love him. I don't want to feel this way. But no matter how hard I try to fight it, to deny it, to convince myself otherwise, my efforts are weak and uncommitted because the truth is I do want to love him. Deep down, I know it's true. I know I want to be held in his cold arms. I know I want to feel his icy skin soothing my feverish own, completing each other. Fire and ice coming together, cancelling out the hate and the prejudice. And I know that I want more than anything to twist my hand through his tangled copper locks and kiss him in a hungry, passionate embrace. But I also know that this will never happen. He can't even stand the sight of me. And he can't ever know how I feel otherwise he will look at me with even more disgust than there already is in those beautiful golden eyes. It pains me whenever I see him with Bella. Oh how I wish I could take her place by his side, take place of her lips on his. So I keep my thoughts well hidden, locked far away out of his telepathic reach, should he go probing into my shattered mind. I've managed to keep my feelings a secret from the rest of the pack, kept it far out of my thoughts when in wolf form, concentrating on nothing but the task at hand and blocking everything and everyone else out. But I don't know how much more of this I can take. It hurts. It just hurts so much to know that he'll never tell me how much he loves me and look at me with eyes brimming with affection and warmth. A part of me wishes that I could just throw my love for him aside, and just forget everything that has gone before, and begin again as a simpler being. To succumb to the animal inside and become one with the wolf. The only thing on my mind will be my next kill. The only need will be shelter and food. The only desire will be the thrill of the hunt.
Rip my heart out mercilessly, cruelly, but leave not a single shred behind. Break me from its wretched bonds and liberate me. I don't want to be under its control, having it twisting me this way and that and beating me until I'm so unrecognizable. You can do what you want with the pieces, the damaged, broken pieces; they won't be of any use. They're too ruined to work, to function correctly. Too battered by a fruitless love. Just take it as far away as possible from me so I can never be tempted to place it back into my empty shell. And while you're at it, steal my soul, because I don't want to live like this any longer. Give them both to Edward, so he can see the truth. Let him be repulsed by my love for him, I just want this burden to leave my weary shoulders. My sanity is slowly bleeding away because of him, and he doesn't even know it. He has no idea of what he is doing to me, and if he did, he wouldn't care. He couldn't possibly ever feel the same way. Yet in spite of all this, there is still a tiny, determined scrap of hope I find myself clinging desperately onto, and it's killing me.
I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel anything at all, ever again.
So tear out my heart. I don't want it anymore.
Edward's POV
How is it possible to love someone you barely know, someone you supposedly hate, so much? How is it possible to love hearing the voice of someone who only speaks to you with contempt and malice? Or long to see their eyes fall upon you, even if they are filled with hate and repulsion? To lust after someone who's heart has already been claimed by another, even if that other does not love them back? This is not love; it is the cruelest torture, to love someone without hope, and the desperation of it all will torment me for eternity. I thought I was happy: I thought I was already in love but now I realize how foolish and naïve I was. That was infatuation, a passing burst of desire that has since burned away and my heart has fallen for another. It has fallen hard, fallen so far that I don't even see how I'll manage to come out this depth of despair. All throughout the lonely days I think of him, picturing his face and imagining our life together. I realize that these false realities only cut me deeper, but I don't care: if we are happy together in my thoughts, then I'll take what I can get. I imagine touching his strong, russet skin, tracing the contours of muscle and flesh. I imagine looking into those deep meaningful eyes, dark by circumstance but not by nature. I imagine that his face lights up with a joyous grin when he sees me, instead of a hateful scowl. I imagine running my hands through his soft dark hair, wet with rain, and I imagine our lips touching with just the most feather-like of kisses. It pains me to know that this will never happen, but these gentle fantasies keep me going through my endless life, and I am quietly grateful that it is I who was gifted with telepathy, and not any other member of my family. I silently hope that one day Alice will have a vision of me that disappears into a pool of swirling black, for that means that the wolves are involved. And it is one wolf in particular I am hoping for. Jacob.
I relish every moment that we happen to cross paths, drinking him in: his rich russet skin, his strong defined jaw and muscular frame, his confident posture and cocky, arrogant words and insults. It is his eyes that captivate me the most: so deep and dark, almost haunted, but overflowing with emotion, and most of all, pain. Pain that Bella has chosen me over him, or so it appears, because just of late it has become increasingly difficult to read his mind. His thoughts are so frantic and erratic, and dark and heavy, constantly rushing around, or focusing on one irrelevant thing. Maybe he is hiding something from me. A plan to take Bella away from me, perhaps? I sometimes consider the thought of leaving Bella so that the two of them can be together, because all I want more than anything is for him to be happy, and if he will be happy with someone else, then so be it. I can live with that, for even if he ever felt the same way, we could never be together. We would be hunted because of our love. We are enemies, sworn by destiny to hate and fight one another to the death. I don't know why it has to be that way, but it is. Besides, it doesn't matter. Because my love for him will never be reciprocated. I have been doomed to live a long and lonely life, never to be loved by the one that I would give anything for.
The thought of him spreads warmth into my still, dead heart, and it feels so good…but it hurts. My love for Jacob kills me inside, but I refuse to try to move on, even though it is for the better. So maybe I'm masochistic, but when I'm looking at him, none of it matters. I would die a thousand deaths for him, carry all of his burdens for him and take all of his pain for him.
If only Jacob would give me his heart.