This is a bit of crack.
Well, actually, there's enough crack to keep Charlie Sheen happy for a week..
RIPPED (sound of paper ripping) FROM THE HEADLINES...SwanQueen and Team FTL take on some infamous bigots.
OUAT Characters are owned by Disney/ABC, used here for fanship and fun. Any other characters are fictitious, but...or skip it, they have it coming...
My writing skills have deteriorated, but I think I have a good story here. DETAILED comments welcome.
And for you sticklers, AU, Post-curse, Post-magic, Post cereals make breakfast a little bit better. Happy?
"WHAT. IN THE NAME. OF. THE. GODS...?"
The mayor of Storybrooke, Maine was usually quiet with her morning coffee at Granny's. Oh there was the occasional murmur as she discussed whatever with either Judge Crow or Snow, aka Mary Margaret. Or the usual sweet nothings or morning argument with her partner/Sheriff Emma. But this...
"So, Madame Mayor, what has our panties in a bunch THIS morning?" Regina Mills really did not need Ruby Lucas' patented sarcasm right now...whatever it was, it set her off, and she was getting ready to rip someone's head off. A certain part-time waitress/part-time Deputy/part-time wolf would do nicely.
Before Regina could reply, three overly cheerful bodies strode into the inn: Snow, daughter Emma, and grandson Henry. Emma kissed the top of her brunette head and could tell instantly that something was up.
"What's wrong, babe...?"
Regina lightly shoved that morning's edition of the Mirror in front of Emma pointed sharply to the offending article's headline..
RIGHTEOUS FLOCK PROTEST FUNERAL OF LESBIAN SUICIDE VICTIM, 15.
"Oh, my. How horrible!" Snow sighed her shock at the headline. Henry, who was smarter than his nine years would allow him to be rolled his eyes. Emma had to hold back an epithet with her young son in the room.
And Regina continue to seethed. I know I have been a heartless bitch in the past, but these excuses for humans are beyond the pale. No respect for the dead! How could they...?"
Ruby chimed in: "I know. These guys have picketed soldiers, show biz folks, people who died of AIDS...All because they don't fit their narrow view of religion..." She was about to make a sound that seemed to start with the letter F when both Regina and Emma gave off-duty werewolf The Look, with Emma pointing Henry (who gave off a good-Lord-I've-heard-the-word-before-we-get-Cinemax-for-Gods'-sake eye roll)
Snow observed all this with much exasperation. "All I know is that when I read about stuff like this...I mean, what's the use of all this magic we inherited when we can't do something with it...like turn these creeps into frogs or something..."
A near silent bell rings, followed by a familiar brogue replying to the teacher/Queen: "Actually, Miss Blan-charrd...frogs are so...shall we say..stereotypical..." Snow seldom went by that name anymore, but Gold occasionally used it, just to tighten the screw a bit.
"Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Sunshine. What do you want, Gold...?
"My dear Sheriff, you cut me to the quick. I just walked in to purchase a cup of coffee and maybe mingle with my fellow Storybrookians, and all I get is negativity...come. come Ms. Mills-Swan..."
"At least you finally got the name right," Regina inserted with a cocked eyebrow.
Ian Gold glanced at the paper and his eye caught the story that was the focus of the conversation he walked into. His eyes and mood grew dark. "Bastards."
"Mr. Gold?," asked Snow.
Gold stared at the paper for a second. "and they called ME in inhuman."
Suddenly, the Sheriff took the newspaper off the table, grabbed the paper, then grabbed a chair, pulled it next to the mayor, and grabbed the mayor's hand as green eyes met brown. "Don't let a bunch of bible-toting inbreds work on you like this."
Regina's hands tightened on Emma's: "Princess, don't you understand...these people are talking about us! Not only us...there's (looks at the waitress) Red , Mallie, Sidney...and not just anyone who loves differently, but acts and thinks differently than they do. Back in the realm...this would not be tolerated..."
As she and Henry both sat down at the table, Snow confirmed this: "I can tell you that is true. Next to me, she hated bigots more than anything.."
"May I remind you, Snow White...at least YOU'RE in the land of the living.." A hint of the more sarcastic Regina slipped through as she took a sip of still-hot coffee. Snow raised a brow, and both Emma and Henry seemed relieved that things were back to normal a bit. But Regina was still frustrated. " It's just with all we can do now, with all this magic...we can't do something about these...these..."
It was then that Regina Mills-Swan went rigid. Chocolate eyes opened brightly. Breathing became labored.
Then that smile. Gold knew that smile. So did Snow. Emma started to know it, but though they were "married," she did not have experience with this. Henry knew, maybe because of the book...
"Refill, Madame May...?" Ruby Lucas, with a pot of hot java refill in hand saw the smile. She knew in an instant something was up.
The Evil Queen was in the house again.
She looked directly, almost seductively to her wife. "Well, you do know what they say about Muhammad and that mountain..."
Then the brunette started delegating. "Deputy.." Ruby knew she was now also on the city's clock. "I'm going to send you a list and instructions. It will be on my desk as soon as you get off here..."
Gold, as questioning as can be, and as pompous as ever: "Your majesty, what exactly is swimming in that devious brain of yours...?"
"Mr. Gold..." she said with a sarcastic level of cheeriness, "I just want to give the fine folks in the righteous flock something to...think about." She smiled broadly. Like a cheerleader on tie stick.
The other three, the wife, the son, and the too-young-to-be mother-in-law were collectively scratching their heads.
Speaking for the trio, Emma looked at her lover and asked, "Well can you at least tell me?"
Regina: "Let's just say its a little prank. We are going to have to get these people up here to do it..."
Henry, shocked and appalled...well, not quite. "But mom...these guys are...well...EVIL.."
"You do know who you're talking to, Henry." There was that sense of malevolent mischievousness that Regina used to sport around often before she "married" Emma. Particularly evident as she turned to the former Mary-Margaret Blanchard...
"Oh, and Snow, for this to work, I am going to give you the opportunity you have hoped decades for...you, my dear...are going to kill me!"
Everyone's jaw dropped at the same time, and the only sound Snow White could make in response was a muffled "gulp..."
TO BE CONTINUED