We've had this argument so many times. I feel awful, I can see how much he wants it. He wants a baby, he wants us to be a real family and that kills me because the only thing I know right now is that I don't. I've never really wanted any of that and even now that there are no more games, the fears still there, I know that there is no threat there anymore, but there are other things that can hurt a child. Like a bomb. "I couldn't stop what happened to Prim, Peeta. And a baby? A small vulnerable baby, how am I supposed to protect a baby from the world?" Peeta opens his mouth to argue back, but is interrupted by the low whimper that escapes my lips, and I'm shaking as tears stream down my face. This happens often. Whenever Prim is brought up in conversation or more often in arguments, I become an emotional wreck which makes it difficult to effectively argue any point. Right on cue Peeta's arms encircle me and he holds me close to him whilst I soak the shoulder of his shirt with my tears. This makes it harder, he would make an excellent parent, he's always so understanding and patient and kind. But no matter how great at being a father Peeta is, it won't make me a decent mother and so for now at least, I'm not backing down.
The evening passes, it's awkward and the tension in the room is thick. Neither of us wants to bring up the argument but it's also clear that it's all either of us is thinking about. Our choices are to argue or to not talk at all and we have a silent consensus on the latter. I catch him periodically throwing worried glances my way, probably keeping tabs on my mental state. I shower while he cooks dinner, but the shower doesn't act as much of a distraction and I'm drawn into a million thoughts that have been swirling around my head. I think about our possible baby, only it's more Peeta's baby, blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. I catch myself smiling at the thought, and then again at the thought of Peetas face. In my head I see his reactions, I see him beaming whilst looking down at a gorgeous baby. I realize that I have been in the shower a good thirty minutes when Peeta knocks on the door to make sure that I'm ok. I assure him that I am and tell him that I'll be down in a minute or so. In my head I've made a resolve. I go straight downstairs once I'm dressed and find Peeta in the kitchen waiting for me. We eat dinner in silence- well, he eats, I just push the food around my plate while I try to think of what to say. Eventually I break the silence "P..Peeta?" Although I speak quietly, it makes him jump a little. He clears his throat, "What is it?" I can hear the caution in his voice and know that he's worried that we are going to end up fighting again. "I umm, well, I was thinking and i... maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we were to have a baby" My voice catches at the end of the sentence and makes it sound like a question. I look up timidly through my eyelashes and see the most amazing smile and for the first time in so long the smile reaches his eyes. I realize now that he hasn't been really happy for a long time. "I can see how much you want this and I want you to be happy." With this, his eyes are suddenly filled with doubt and he speaks with a colourless tone, "Katniss, this is big. You can't do this for me, ok? You just can't, it's not fair on you. We can wait, you will want this too someday. I can wait until then." I don't think that I will ever want this, not really. "I think I want it now Peeta" I lie, "I want us to have a family." With this he smiles at me and it's the exact same way that he looked when we got married, it's hope. I know that we won't be having anymore arguments for a while, but I have butterflies at the thought of it.