OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. I am not Stephenie Meyer.
NOTE: The soul is sometimes regarded as subject to future reward and punishment, and sometimes is able to take a form that allows it to remain on or return to earth in a 'living' entity, surviving death.
"Edward…" I trailed off. He knew very well what was on my mind.
"Bella, please, not tonight." His velvet voice was rough, agitated.
We'd been having this fight a lot lately, and it always ended the same; Edward would clench his teeth together to control his anger and I would pout with the best of my abilities. Why does he have to be so stubborn? I know he loves me, but I have this annoying nagging feeling in the back of my head…No, I refuse to think about that.
Edward completely baffles me. He proclaims himself a naturally selfish creature, but then he refuses to change me so we can be together forever. Ugh, if only he was selfish instead of so damn virtuous, I thought bitterly.
We were laying in the grass in the front of his house. The encroaching forest at the end of the yard, if you could call a football field a yard, seemed to be beckoning me. I sighed, and got up, strolling casually towards the trees. It was dark except for the moonlight cascading down from the sky, dancing around gracefully in the grass as it swayed with the breeze. It wasn't raining, a miracle for Forks, but the chill in the air clung to my skin and I shivered.
"What are you doing?" Edward asked, disapproval coloring his tone. His cool hand snared gently, but forcibly, around my wrist.
"Going for a walk," I replied swiftly, "do you have a problem with that?"
"Yes, in fact I do. With your luck you'll probably run into some rabid deer that will attack you." he retorted, heavy sarcasm kicking in. Or maybe it was meant to be serious because with me anything is possible.
"Well if you won't bite me, then hopefully it will. At least then it will infect me with rabies and you'll be forced to change me," I hissed.
His face went cold and his eyes seemed to turn jet black. Uh-oh.
"Yeah? And what makes you think I'd change you if that happened?" He hissed through clenched teeth.
It felt like someone had kicked me; forcibly expelling all the oxygen out of my lungs until I was choking on nothing but pure anguish. I bit my lip and clenched my eyes shut, trying to overcome the misery that was slowly taking over my body.
So he would rather have me dead than change me.
Without opening my eyes I turned on my heel and took a step towards the house. I fully expected to run into a tree and knock myself unconscious but I just could not look at him. I was actually hoping to be ambushed by an overgrown plant because anything would have been better than the sensation of my crumbling hopes, the pain of the realization that hit me like a ton of bricks; he would never change me, as long as he could help it. It hurt, it really hurt. I would have rather been back in Phoenix with James, because God knows he can't break me like Edward can.
"Bella," Edward said softly, his voice sounded strangled. He had moved silently in front of me to block my escape.
I didn't reply, I stepped around him and opened my eyes, stalking off to the house. I made it to the bottom steps but my klutziness decided to make up for earlier and I stumbled. Cool hands grabbed me just as my face was about to smack the edge of the third stair. I shrugged him off and continued walking into the house, slamming the door in his face.
I usually wasn't confrontational, especially with Edward, but I had had enough. I snapped when he grabbed me again and I spun around to look at him.
"What," I shrieked. I knew his whole family was home, off in their various corners of the house, and they would hear our conversation without me yelling, but I didn't care.
"Bella, I wasn't thinking when I said-" I cut him off, not wanting to hear it.
"Exactly, you didn't think. If you would have thought about it first you wouldn't of said what you really felt, and it's good to know the truth. I guess I'm not as important to you as I thought, or rather hoped, I was." I tried to compose myself, but I couldn't any longer. Tears started gushing miserably down my cheeks, revealing just how pathetic I really was.
His face was pained. "Bella, that's not true," he whispered.
"Isn't it? It's not like there's anything really special about me! I always knew that, I was just enjoying the time until you realized it," I practically screamed.
"That's not true Bella! Everything about you is special! Your blush, the way your heart practically jumps out of your chest every time I touch you, the warmth of your skin..." His voice trailed off and it sounded like he was talking to himself. He looked down at his hands, fidgeting.
"Oh, so that's it, is it?" His head snapped up and he looked at me, confused at my sudden awareness. "I'm human. So what, Edward? If I was cold, hard and dead It wouldn't be enough?!"
"Bella, you'll always be enough, more than enough!" He was determined. He reached out to me, but I stepped back, leaving him clutching air.
"But not enough for forever!!" I screamed at him and collapsed onto the floor, burying my head in my hands and sobbing uncontrollably. I felt him kneel down beside me, his stone arms encircling me, rocking back and forth in rhythm with my body. He buried his face in my hair and dry sobbed.
"Bella," he mumbled into my hair, "I'm the one that's not enough, not you. You deserve so much. You deserve a life, an after life." He rubbed soothing circles on my back and stroked my cheek.
"Don't even start with that Edward," I bit out, "I don't want to hear about how you're protecting my soul. I would turn down God Himself in order to spend my after life with you in the black oblivion you're supposedly damned to!"
"Bella," he started to interrupt, but I couldn't let him. He needed to hear this, whether he liked it or not.
I looked him straight in the eye, taking in his expression. He looked vulnerable, like one word could break him. His perfection against my lack there of was comical, with by puffy, red face adding more to the illusion. I'd never seen his flawless face contorted into the mask of pain it was wearing now, and I hated myself for making him look that way
"You're wrong you know," I whispered to make sure my voice wouldn't crack. "You do have a soul." He opened his mouth to speak, but I continued, not allowing him to. "You know how I know?" I could see the sudden curiosity in his eyes, waiting for my brilliant rebuttal to his strongest opinion. "Because every time you touch me, every time you kiss me I can feel your soul burning into mine. You can't love without a soul, Edward, and it's your soul I fell in love with."
He gaped, looking at me through shocked eyes. I wiped my face free of any lingering tears and rose from my knees. I strode back outside, to look at the glittering stars and the glowing moon. I felt Edward approach me from behind, wrapping his arms around me, making me feel safe and content. I leaned into his touch and turned around slowly to face him. His golden eyes were gentle and loving and I kissed him with gentle fervor, stroking his marble face. Edward's lips were cold and smooth against mine and I let out a happy sigh when our lips broke apart, enjoying the feeling of our souls mingling in the cool night air.
a/n occurrs sometime during/after Twilight but before New Moon. I'll edit it someday, because I'm under the impression it sucks.