Brittany S. Pierce had done pretty well for herself after high school. Getting out of Lima had been step one. It wasn't that she didn't like her home, but she felt like she needed to get out to grow. Her senior year of high school hadn't exactly been her favorite time, and she felt like a change of pace would make things better. Going to college, step two. She never thought she would be able to get into a college of any kind, but dance had seen her through. That had been her ticket out of Ohio, after all. After going to a conservatory, she graduated. That was kind of step three. The biggest step was getting a job in New York City.
There was one thing that was true about all the steps she had taken. Each one had separated her from the friends she'd had back in high school, some of whom she'd had almost her whole life. Of course there was email and Facebook, but she'd never been good at keeping up with that kind of stuff. Especially after her senior year, which had been so full of tumultuous emotions and hurt feelings, she wasn't even sure she would have wanted to.
Of course there were people she missed. Kurt, Finn, Quinn, Blaine, Santana... especially Santana. The girl who had been her best friend for as long as she could remember, who had been so much more than that. Santana, who when confronted with their relationship, which she had refused to call as much, had turned and run the other way. Especially Santana, who had slowly withdrawn from her as soon as people started to whisper. Yes, she missed Santana most of all, even though she had spent almost all of her time since leaving Lima trying not to think about her.
It was easy not to think about Santana, not to think about anyone from William McKinley High School. College had been so time consuming, so draining, and the new friends she made there took up any time that she might have spent trying to keep up with her old ones. She spent two years of her life doing nothing but dancing, going to class, and dancing even more. Throwing herself into her art had helped her push away the sadness and hurt she harbored inside. Brittany had never been one to focus on the negative moments in life, but the rejection from Santana had stuck with her longer than anything else. Engulfing her life with dance and everything that wasn't Lima, Ohio was the only way she could think of to keep her mind from running away from her with thoughts of would have, could have, should have.
Being in New York was just an even bigger step away from all that. All she had done leading up to graduation and then after was audition, audition, and audition some more. She had moved into the city, sharing an apartment with a few of her friends from college. It was small but she didn't need much, and her little room was her sanctuary in the city. Of course the sounds of the traffic, the constant buzz of conversation, it all infiltrated through the windows and the walls, but it was the one place she could call her own and she treasured that. Eventually one of her auditions had paid off, and she managed to land a spot in the chorus of an off-Broadway show.
Just like how she had used school to fill the void in her life, that show became her focus beyond anything else. The lengthy rehearsals, the training for everything, it was so time consuming that once again she was getting lost in her art, her passion. That wasn't a bad thing, it was just how she managed. She needed to have a drive, something to work toward, and that show was it.
Opening night came and went a success. It was the biggest rush that Brittany had ever felt, being up on that big stage and performing for that many people. Even just as someone back in the chorus, it was so much more than she had ever imagined. She had invited her mom and step-dad and they had planned on coming, but a last minute emergency left them in Ohio. While she wished they would have been there, it also felt almost right that they hadn't been. Just one more piece of Lima, Ohio that wasn't there with her.
Other than the actual cast party that had happened after opening night, there hadn't been a chance for them to go out together. After the show had run for two weeks, a bunch of the other girls in the chorus had decided to go to a nearby cocktail lounge for drinks. They'd earned them, they said, and despite the fact that Brittany was exhausted from everything she didn't want to miss a night out with her friends. She couldn't remember the last night she did something other than go home from rehearsal or a performance and just crawl into bed. Drinks had been a long time coming.
The cocktail lounge was nicer than Brittany had been expecting. Not that she had expected it to be a dive, but it looked exactly like a stereotypical cocktail lounge would look. Red couches, dim lamps... there was even a man sitting at a baby grand piano, playing simple background music as a microphone stood empty in the middle of the small stage. She wandered over to the bar with her friends, ordering herself a Cosmo before finding an empty couch for them. This was exactly what she had been hoping for - a fairly quiet night out with just enough alcohol to make her feel warm and fuzzy but not enough to make her miss her subway stop and ride it to the end of the line.
Two Cosmos later and she was sitting squished between two of her chorus-mates, talking to them about the performance they'd done earlier that night. There had been one or two flub ups but nothing major and definitely not anything that audience would notice unless they had been really trying to see it. It was then she heard it. She'd missed it at first, not noticing over the laughter of the people surrounding her, but now it was clear as day and her heart sunk.
I was June and you were my Johnny Cash
Never one, we got the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on, whoa
Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the blues
It's time to face the music, I'm longer your muse
She knew that song. It was Katy Perry, but it was definitely being sung in a totally different way. It was slow, not at all as poppy or upbeat as the original had been. It was darker, mournful. But that wasn't what made her pay attention. That sulty, sexy voice that had joined the piano music she had been accepting as background noise this whole time. She knew that voice. Swallowing hard, she twisted around in her seat to try and see the stage. She couldn't quite see it thanks to a tall guy who was in her way but she knew that voice.
And in another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away
The one, the one, the one
The one that got away
All these money can't buy me a time machine, no
Can't replace you with a million rings, no
I should've told you what you meant to me, whoa
'Cause now I pay the price
Brittany downed what was left of her drink and practically shoved her way out from the couch where she was cornered in by her chorus-mates. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was stuck. Every emotion and pang of hurt that she thought she had gotten rid of over the years was back and it was all at once and she just needed to see her, to know that she was right. To know that the girl on the stage, the one who was singing, was Santana. She hadn't seen her in years, but as Brittany stumbled out to a space where she could see the stage, she finally did.
In another life I would be your girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away
The one, the one, the one, the one
And in another life I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away
Not a single muscle in Brittany's body had moved since she laid eyes on Santana up there on that stage. It was like she was frozen in that moment, watching the girl who used to be everything in her life crooning into that microphone and singing words that just tore at her heart. A polite applause rippled through the bar but she just stood there watching as the pensive, emotional expression on Santana's face melted into a smile as she acknowledged the crowd.
That smile, that smirk twitching at the corners of Santana's mouth, the way her eyes were almost twinkling, that was what did Brittany in completely. She covered her mouth with her hand as she unsuccessfully tried to choke back a sob. Her shoulders hunched and she whimpered, wanting to run but not being able to make her legs work like she wanted. If anything, the felt like they were going to give out.
"Brittany? Are you alright?" One of her friends was calling out to her, but all that managed to do was get the attention of about half the bar. Half the bar including Santana, who had straightened up so quickly at the sound of her name that it made her wonder if she had that reaction any time someone said the name 'Brittany' around her. What Brittany would have given to be invisible at that moment, when so many eyes were staring and Santana was practically tripping over the microphone cord to get off the stage. At first she assumed the other girl was going to run away from her, but then she was coming right for her and Brittany just covered her face with her hands, trying to stop the tears.
"Brit?" No one ever said her name with quite the same weight and familiarity as Santana did. Even when she was just saying it like she had just then, it made Brittany feel like she was important. She hadn't heard her name said like that in years, not the way Santana said it. It seemed like such a stupid thing to think about, but that was what popped into her head. She slowly lowered her hands from her eyes and saw the other girl reaching her hands out to her, but stopping just before touching. It was a familiar look that she saw in Santana's eyes, the torture of not knowing what to do.
If ever she thought she would find herself face to face with Santana, she had hoped to look good. Preferably hotter than she had been in high school, just to show her what she'd missed out on. Never had she imagined it would be like this - her in alright but slightly mismatched clothes that she'd thrown on after the performance earlier and with some of her fellow cast-mates flanking her on either side. They'd come over to see what was wrong, but as it wasn't really clear to them they had just stayed. No, this was almost the opposite of anything that Brittany had imagined except for one thing. Santana looked just as amazing as always.
"I'm fine," Brittany managed to choke out amidst her tears, hating how everyone was staring. She wanted her friends to go back to their drinks and not find out how silly she was being for crying over someone she had done her best not to think about for years. Except deep down she knew she wasn't being silly. There was a split second of Santana's hands hovering before her palms slowly skimmed down her upper arms. There was that unexplainable feeling Brittany got from her touch, like fire had just been run down her arms. But good fire. "I need to sit down."
Santana's hand slipped into hers to lead her over to a table, away from the people who were staring and whispering and everything Brittany hated. The feel of the other girl's hand in hers was enough to calm Brittany slightly before she remembered it was Santana's hand and her body shook with another sob as she sunk down into a seat. When Santana snapped at one of the chorus girls that had trailed along behind them, telling her to go get a glass of water, Brittany couldn't help but laugh - though it was a slightly hysterical laugh. Everything was so familiar despite it being so long - the feel of Santana's hand in hers, the attitude she'd given to everyone who wasn't Brittany, telling them to go away before she cut them once the water had been brought over to the table.
Gulping down about half the glass of water, Brittany could feel herself calming down. Her hands were shaking, and the tears were still slipping form her eyes, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been. She could tell that Santana was hesitant to be too close to her, to touch her, but what had she expected? Other than never to see her again, that was. Seeing Santana, being sitting there right next to her, it hurt. All her insides felt like they were twisted and bruised and like they were going to explode at any second. That's what it felt like, being with Santana.
"It's good to see you," Santana offered somewhat lamely. She knew better than to ask if Brittany was alright, because of course she wasn't. Reaching out, she carefully ran her hand along her back, trying to sooth and calm her. "It really is." Brittany wanted to believe her, and she really was feeling slightly better with Santana rubbing her back like that. She'd always done that when Brittany was upset before, back in high school. Back when they were friends and a little bit more. That wasn't something she thought about anymore, but it was hard not to with her doing that. "...I friend requested you on Facebook."
"I don't ever go on Facebook," Brittany mumbled, rubbing her face with the back of her hand as she tried to get rid of the tears. That was partially true, because she didn't really, but at the same time she had denied Santana's friend request just as soon as she'd gotten it. She hadn't thought she could deal with seeing updates from her, pictures there reminding her of the best friend she didn't have anymore. The girlfriend she never got the chance to have. That hurt too much to think about, let alone see every time she did actually go online. "I should get back to my friends."
Mostly she said that in an attempt to get away. She knew that no one in her group cared that she was off doing something else, but she didn't know how long she would be able to sit there next to Santana, smelling faint hints of that jasmine shampoo she always used and feeling her soft skin brush against hers. Intoxicating didn't even begin to describe Santana, and Brittany didn't feel at all like she had any kind of willpower against her.
"Brit, please." Her voice was practically pleading and that's what made Brittany actually look up and make eye contact with her. There were tears trailing their way down the other girl's face, and Brittany automatically reached up to brush them away with her thumb. "I'm so sorry. For everything." Santana grabbed her hand in hers and held onto it tightly, lacing their fingers together, the words falling out of her mouth so quickly.. "Everything. For running, for leaving, for pushing you away and never calling or anything like that. You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I didn't treat you right. I know that now, and I regret so much. I was just so scared. Ohio's such a dumb place and everyone there sucks and I never thought they would let us be and I didn't want that. But I always wanted you. I just... didn't know how."
There was such a tight feeling in Brittany's chest that she thought she might burst. She never imagined she would hear Santana say any of those things. It had felt like relief for the briefest moment but then a wave of anger washed over her. That scared her - she wasn't ever angry. She didn't even know if she was angry at Santana or at herself or what but she was just angry. That was why she took the time to finish her glass of water before she spoke, trying to shake it.
"Do you have any idea how hard it is to forget you?" she asked, looking at Santana through long lashes that were still damp from her tears. "I have spent so long trying to force every little thought of you out of my head. Do you know how hard that is?" Her voice managed to be strong, even if the rest of her didn't feel that way. Sitting there, holding Santana's hand, the both of them crying, she felt like she might pass out. It took her back to the countless times they'd sat in her room, or Santana's room, the only places the other girl felt comfortable with being herself, and let it out. High school had been full of tears, though the majority of people didn't know about most of them. "That's what I had to do, because thinking about you hurts my heart.
"I tried so hard to forget everything about you. How your hair smells and how soft it is and how you always hated wearing it up for Cheerios. That look you always gave me when I said something you thought was silly but you would never say because it was me." It was a much softer look than she ever gave anyone else who said something ridiculous, and that hadn't gone unnoticed by Brittany. "How my favorite thing in the world was when you linked your pinkie with mine." Santana made a choked sort of sound, her grip on Brittany's hand tightening as if she was trying to make sure the other girl couldn't run off. "How much I was in love with you. How much.. I never stopped."
That was why she was angry, and she was angry with herself. All those years of pushing thoughts of Santana to the deepest, darkest places in her head and she was still undeniably in love with her. She hadn't been able to do it, to get rid of all the Santana in her life. She'd always told herself that she hadn't had time for relationships because of school, or because of work. It had been so drastically different than high school, but other than the occasional drunken make-out session with someone at a party, she hadn't done anything. But now sitting there, clinging to Santana's hand and admitting that she loved her, she knew it was because she hadn't wanted anyone but her.
Santana reached over, her hand brushing against Brittany's cheek and turning her face toward hers and tilting her head in, resting their foreheads together. Her breath was playing across Brittany's lips and she had to close her eyes, the sensation overwhelming her a little. Santana being that close was making every muscle in her body scream with want and fear. She didn't want to be near her if she was going to push her away, to run again. If there was one thing Brittany was sure she couldn't take, it was that.
"I have always loved you," Santana whispered, her thumb caressing against Brittany's cheek. "Always." Brittany's breath caught in her throat and she forced herself to open her eyes, finding herself looking into those dark brown eyes of Santana's that had always managed to show her so much more than what the other girl was saying. "It breaks my heart that you tried to forget me, Brit. I know it's my fault, but it still hurts. All I ever wanted was what was best for you-"
"You were what was best for me," Brittany interrupted, making Santana straighten up a little and pull back. "You were. You were the only person who ever understood me, or at least pretended to even if you didn't. And then you weren't there, and I had to try and forget because it just hurt so much to think about you, Santana. But it hurt to try and forget, too, because you're the one person I never want to forget. Not ever, no matter what."
"I am so sorry," Santana whispered, so quiet that Brittany almost couldn't hear her over the gentle roar of conversation happening around them, the melodies coming from the piano. "Brittany, I am so so sorry." Her heart wrenched at those words, stuck trying to figure out what she wanted. She'd been so set on trying to get out of the bar, away from Santana, but she couldn't, she didn't want to move. Sitting there, holding her hand, even with all the tears it was the most whole she had felt in years. And then Santana kissed her.
It wasn't a big kiss, nothing deep or passionate with tongues tangled that left them pulling away out of breath, no. Santana's lips were pressed against hers so softly, in what was probably the sweetest, most chaste kiss the two had every shared. Brittany's hand slipped to the back of the other girl's neck, just wanting to keep her there like that. Her heart was racing, and she could feel a blush creeping up into her cheeks as she realized that they were sitting in a bar full of people and Santana was kissing her. They had never kissed in front of anyone before, not ever. Not in a real way. Once or twice in high school they'd made out in front of a guy, but that hadn't been for them. Not like this was.
"Please don't go away from me again," Brittany blurted out when Santana pulled back, fresh tears slipping from her eyes. "I can't do it, Santana, I can't. It's been so hard without you and I don't want to do it anymore." She knew they weren't okay. There was so much hurt between the two of them, but there was also so much love for each other. She didn't want to have to deal with not having Santana in her life anymore. Now that she'd seen her, heard her, touched her, kissed her, she couldn't keep pretending like she didn't care. "Please."
"I won't," Santana murmured, her arms slipping around Brittany and pulling her into a tight hug. Brittany felt like it was probably the best hug she'd ever received in her life. It felt like everything she remembered it being, if not more. Her arms hugged around Santana's neck and she ran her fingers through the other girl's hair as she let out a shuddered sigh. If anyone had asked her how her night was going to go, nothing even close to this would have crossed her mind. No, they weren't okay, but they were better than they had been ten minutes earlier. Better than they had been for years. That was enough to give Brittany a glimmer of hope, something to hold onto.