"Call me a purist, but I don't understand why the new Batman movie series is re-using old titles from previous movies."
The words were a challenge and a new topic of debate at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment as they and their friends, Howard and Raj, joined them in their usual Thursday night feast of pizza, crazy bread, and chicken wings from Wah-Ching's Pizza And Dry-Cleaning, while a superhero blockbuster played before them on the television. And as far as Howard and Raj were concerned, Leonard's abrupt comment was far more interesting than the previous topic of conversation- namely every word that was uttered by know-it-all, Sheldon.
"What are you talking about?" Howard asked, smudges of chicken wing sauce on either corner of his mouth making his mouth look eerily similar to the Joker's.
Leonard explained, "Well, the new one is called 'The Dark Knight Returns'. They've already had a 'Returns' movie!"
"No, they had a "Begins' title, as in 'Batman Begins'," the Beatle-haired mop top Howard corrected.
'Yes, but they've already had 'Batman Returns'. The second Michael Keaton movie."
"But it's not 'Batman' it's the 'Dark Knight'," Raj countered, entering the fray.
"Yeah, and who's the so-called 'Dark Knight'? Batman! I rest my case!"
"You can't rest a case if you never had one!" Sheldon frowned, picking off the fourth piece of oddly-shaped mushroom from his pizza slice- this was happening far too often to be a coincidence!
"Right! 'Batman Returns' had the Penguin in it, and this one doesn't," Howard said.
"Uh-huh, and who else did it have in it? Can you say 'Catwoman'? And who is Anne Hathaway playing in 'The Dark Knight Returns'? OOH! Catwoman! So na-na-boo-boo, I win!"
"Mmmm, Catwoman. She can use me as a scratching post anytime!" Raj sighed, rising and lowering his eyebrows up and down suggestively, and grinning ear to ear.
"Catwoman? Which one?" Howard wondered.
"Hmph. Does it really matter! All of them!"
"Yeah, how long did you have her as your wallpaper at work on your computer?" Leonard grinned, already knowing the answer, handing the special 'Refuse Bowl' to Sheldon, so he'd have somewhere to put his oddly-shaped pieces of mushroom in, instead of in Howard's lap when he wasn't looking.
"Exactly 5 months and 4 days, thanks to that crabby spoilsport of an ancient history professor seeing it and reporting me to the Dean!"
"That's what you get for e-mailing an image of Megan to us and forgetting that you hit the 'reply-all' icon!" Leonard chuckled.
"Ha-ha! I don't think Professor McGrainey appreciated it! Wonder Woman is virtually immortal, and judging by McGrainey's age she probably is, too!" Howard added.
"Anywaaays, getting back to the point of discussion, they could have come up with a much better title than 'The Dark Knight Returns'! It's an old title slapped onto the secondary nickname of the Batman!" Leonard said, trying to make his point.
"If I might interject a comment-" Sheldon began, already sounding bored.
"No! You'll ruin my mental image of Megan Fox as Wonder Woman!" Raj cried out, his big smile abruptly shifting downwards into a deep frown.
"It's not about that. While the three of you are achieving your usual mediocre and nominal skills in a debate regarding nomenclature, I feel it my duty to squash your drivel this instant, should one or more of you depart in a hysterical huff-"
"I-am-not-getting-huffy!" Raj snapped, indignant.
"Your eyes are watering, denoting the potential for an emotional, and somewhat effeminate outburst, Raj. But getting back to the topic at hand, you're all incorrect, insofar as the title of the next Batman movie is not, in fact, 'The Dark Knight Returns', but is actually 'The DarkKnight Rises'! So unless you wish to debate the merits of the forthcoming Batman movie as it pertains to ripping off the title of the classic Christopher Lee opus from 1968, 'Dracula HasRisen From The Grave', I hereby, unilaterally end this discussion...And claim the last piece of crazy bread!"
"Oh. Oh, yeah. 'Rises'...not 'Returns'. Guess I forgot," Leonard grimaced, knowing that Sheldon was completely correct. He could have sworn it was 'Returns' and not 'Rises'!
"Probably because your brain is filled with too many useless facts, like what to buy Penny for her birthday," Sheldon noted, nonchalantly.
"Whaaat?"
"Yes. It's the day after tomorrow. Didn't you-?"
"BYE!"
Leonard was out the door in 3.06 seconds- a new record.
"As I said...'useless facts'!" Sheldon sniffed, disinterested.
"Mmmm! Anne Hathaway!" Raj sighed, adopting a dreamy, far-off stare into space.
"I'll e-mail Professor McGrainey to avert her eyes from your impending Anne Hathaway as Catwoman computer wallpaper!" Howard half-joked and half-seriously intended to do so.
Sheldon pulled off another mushroom from his pizza slice and examined it carefully before holding it before Howard and asking, "Tell me; does this mushroom slice appear to have been cut in a the shape of someone giving me the finger?"
Howard and Raj could only roll their eyes at their friend's paranoia.
Knock-knock-knock.
"Sheldon."
Knock-knock-knock.
"Sheldon."
Knock-knock-knock.
"Sheldon."
Sheldon swung open the door to his apartment swiftly and precisely to a 90 degree angle, and stared harshly and unblinking at the visitor that was smirking at him as if she'd just learned his secret identity. He remained tight-lipped as his mind ran through various insults and questions, much like the Terminator from the first movie, and then settled on a morose,
"That's not funny."
"Oh, yes it is!" Penny chuckled and proceeded to walk right in, after she gave him a playful poke in his side.
In spite of himself, Sheldon gasped out his trademark chuckle, but only because she knew exactly where he was ticklish, and even then it was purely an autonomic reaction to the contact- not because he enjoyed it.
"That's not funny either," he stated, monotonely.
"Neither was 'Knocked-Up', but I didn't hold it against Leonard for making me sit through it. So where's the little guy?"
"Out."
"Out? I thought he was safe!"
Sheldon stared, deadpanned at her, unblinking as his analytical mind ran through their conversation again and again, finally prompting himself to release another gasping chuckle, before returning to his stoic nature. "Very witty. A baseball analogy, I believe"
"Right-oh!"
"Mm. But, as I said, Leonard is out so good-bye and have a nice evening." He stepped aside a foot, and continued to hold the door open, but Penny didn't take the hint, so he sighed and closed it, but didn't lock it. He mumbled to himself, "Mother was right- 'Open a door and the hippies will make themselves at home."
"Don't mind me. Watch your little sci-fi programs or type in your mad scientist equations, while I wait for Leonard. We have an appointment."
Sheldon raised an eyebrow like Spock and asked, "Is that what people are calling it these days?"
"Calling what?"
"Must I spell it out for you, Penny? C-O-I-T-U-"
"It's not that, Sheldon!" Penny interrupted, turning red-faced. "I need to pick my car up from the shop, and Leonard promised to drive me there to pick it up."
"Oh. Good. That means I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. And may I congratulate you for finally eradicating that persistent 'check engine' light on your dashboard, thus nullifying a potential roadside incident."
"Oh, hell, no. I didn't get that fixed! I took my car to the body shop to have them paint the most adorable hot pink racing stripe down it! It's going to look so awesome!"
Sheldon crossed his arms and sighed, "I'm sure your car will look splendid with that stripe down its middle on the highway cameras as you wave down a potential rescuer-slash-serial killer."
Penny stared at him, horrified with her mouth open and speechless, before saying, "God, your mother is so lucky she doesn't have to live with you anymore!"
At that moment, Leonard showed up with Raj and Howard in tow, each of them displaying various expressions of annoyance or defeat.
"Penny! What're you-?"
"The racing stripe? Remember?" Sheldon interjected.
"Oooooh, yeaaa! Sorry, sorry, sorry! I was just...out."
"Penny thought you were safe!" Sheldon added with a knowing smirk, but it only confused Leonard.
"Oh...good. Yes. I was safe. I had Howard and Raj with me."
"Your hands are empty- didn't you find a suitable surprise birthday present for Penny?" Sheldon asked, innocently. The boys reacted with various degrees of surprise and embarrassment, although Leonard won on both accounts. "Was that not meant to be open for discussion?"
"I think Leonard would back me up on this, Sheldon," Howard frowned, "but the operative word here was 'SURPRISE'!"
"Thanks, Sheldon! Thanks!" Leonard growled.
Sheldon stared at him confused and, taking a guess, replied, "You're welcome, Leonard, you're welcome?"
"Oh, don't be mad at Sheldon, guys. I had a feeling you were out getting me something! So wha'dja buy me, wha'dja buy me? Don't bother wrapping it, I'll just...open up...the bag...or bags! Um. Where're the bags?"
Howard shook his head and sighed, "He couldn't decide. We're empty-handed." Raj leaned in, and still too shy to speak directly to Penny, whispered into Howard's ear, "Yea-yea-yea, I know you thought a subscription to 'O Magazine' was a good start, but the tiny problem here is that Penny isn't his mommy!"
"Er...kinda running out of time there, aren't you, Captain Kirk?" Penny said with a forced smile and light tone. "With your work hours you only have tomorrow night and then the next day is my big day. No pressure though!"
"I know, Penny, I know. It's not like we didn't try our best!"
Penny looked at Howard and Raj who nodded, then looked back at Leonard. "Not to be too picky at a time like this, but wouldn't it be just a little more special if just you went out and looked for a present, instead of making it a group outing?
"I did, and I panicked, so I called in reinforcements," Leonard apologized.
"Made us miss the second half of 'Iron Man', but it's okay, mon cherie, it was for you," Howard smiled, still playing the flirtatious card. Suddenly he was less than a foot away from her with a mischievous smile on his face as he lowered his voice and told her, "I picked out your birthday present weeks ago on-line, and through a contact of mine on ebay. Let's just say it's edible and comes in all sizes!"
"Howard!" a shocked Penny gasped, giving him a slap in the arm.
Wolowitz winced and yelped out in pain as he wailed, "Whaaaat? I ordered you assorted Belgian chocolate cupcakes, straight from Brussels! What's the big deal?"
"Oopsie. Buy I thought you guys have already seen 'Iron Man', like nine times each!"
"Eleven," Sheldon corrected from the kitchen while he made himself a cup of tea, and added, "although according to my journal Leonard has now seen it eight-point-two times and Howard and Raj have each seen it six-point-five times, thanks to Leonard's panicky phone call abruptly ending their viewing tonight."
"Riiight. You have a journal listing the movie viewing habits of yourself and your friends?" Penny asked.
Sheldon blinked and looked innocent, as if it was the most natural thing to be listing. "Of course. I also have one that lists my viewing of the original 'Star Trek' going back to 1989 and 'Doctor Who' starting in 1991. For the record my most-watched episode of 'Trek' is 'Where No Man Has Gone Before', which I've seen twelve times, followed closely by 'Tomorrow Is Yesterday', and 'The CorbomiteManeuver', while my most-watched episode of 'Doctor Who' would be 'The Five Doct' -"
Penny rolled her eyes and turned back to the others. "Anywaaaays, guys, I appreciate you helping Leonard, but it shouldn't have come to that. It's okay to do stuff by yourselves, or in any combination of just two of you. Nobody should feel obligated to be thrown into a group, or feel like they're being left out of the group. You know, it's like how you don't include Sheldon when you have that night to yourselves to watch that 'Flash' TV show from the '90's with that hunk, John Wesley Shipp-"
The boys responded with four different expressions and sounds from their open mouths.
Leonard bit his lower lip, covered his mouth and uttered an unintelligible, "EErgrgle!"
Howard gasped out a wide-eyed, "D'OH!" or 'DON'T!"- Penny couldn't tell.
Raj, silent as ever in front of a pretty girl, looked like he was crushing his own head in his hands, as his brilliant white teeth clenched in fear like he was being electrocuted or dunked in super-cold water.
And Sheldon slowly approached her from the kitchen in an intimidating, confrontational way, and just stared at her, with pity and a lack of comprehension, until his beady eyes got even beadier and he pressured her with, "What...TV...show?"
Penny gritted her teeth in embarrassment as she looked at the guy's reactions to her from behind Sheldon, and squeaked out a meager, "Oops."
Sheldon noticed her expression and spun around to look behind him and the guys all looked normal.
He looked back at her, and Penny watched Leonard, Howard, and Raj return to their varied looks of horror and fear and waving arms that silently screamed 'How could you?'
Sheldon spun around again and the guys looked back at him, looking completely normal.
The tall geek looked back at Penny, and the guy's features returned to their individual looks of horror and defeat, as Leonard flopped into his chair and covered his eyes, while Howard lowered his head and shook it, morosely, as if caught in a terrible lie.
"I'm waaaiting?" Sheldon warned, actually sounding threatening.
A pained expression crossed Penny's face, and she quickly gave up. "Well, come on, guys, how can I remember all of your rules when it comes to Sheldon?"
"AAWWWW!" Leonard groaned, and Howard released a wailing, "Ooyyyy!"
"It's not like I revealed the conditions of Rule 14!" Penny snapped, getting annoyed.
"While I find it subtly amusing that the three of you would concoct a list of rules regarding me, as per my own Roommate Agreement, that's not the issue here. At least, as far as all of the rules, bar one, are concerned. What Flash TV show are you talking about, Penny? Keep in mind that I can and will, at any time, amend my Roommate Agreement with Leonard which may or may not adversely affect his ability to speak to you and allow you access into this apartment, let alone your bank account and your social security number. There's never been such a thing, or else I would have known about it, being one of, if not the greatest, Scarlet Speedster's fans."
"Leonarrrrd?" Penny pleaded.
"Finefinefinefine," the bespeckled nerd sighed, and physically lowered Sheldon down onto 'his spot' on the couch, to prevent him from falling over in shock. "The guys and I only did this, Sheldon, because we didn't want you to ruin for the rest of us!"
"Ruin what?"
Howard sneered, "'Flash Night'! Okay? 'Flash Night'! Satisfied, Penny?"
"It's called 'Flash Night'?" Sheldon wailed like a horrified child left out of a game. "This is most confusing. How can you have a 'Flash Night' without meee? I'm his greatest fan!"
"And that's exactly why we left you out! Because you're his greatest fan!" Howard snapped.
"Because you'll just ruin it, okay?" Leonard wailed. "You'll pick it to pieces and then none of us will be able to watch it ever again!"
"Not true!"
"Oh, yea? Ever wonder why I never watch the 'Doctor Who' episode, 'Meglos'?"
Sheldon shrugged. "Because the sight of the Doctor metamorphosing into a humanoid cactus upsets you?"
"No. Because you pointed out that he had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth and then dwelled upon it for two weeks afterwards! It killed my interest in the episode! You brought it down to reality, and went on-line to ask fandom why the Doctor had spinach in his teeth, when you know darn well it was an unforeseen mistake on Tom Baker's part!"
"You exaggerate."
"You created a web-site about it! It even had 300,000 hits! Half of which were yours, arguing your point with other fans! You wanted to fly to England to debate the scene with someone named 'Emily', personally!"
Sheldon felt indignant again and shrugged. "She had it coming. This does not absolve you of your crime of keeping this TV show a secret from me. I want in."
"Never!" Howard snapped, clutching Leonard's arms. "Don't let him in! I beg you, Leonard! You know he'll just pick it to pieces and we'll have to go back to...ergh...'Thunderbirds Night."
"You guys used to watch 'Thunderbirds' without me?" Sheldon cried out, before running to his bedroom, betrayed and putting on his best drama queen act.
The guys looked amongst one another, unsure what to say or do, until they saw Penny staring at them intently, before she said, "You. Me. Pink stripe on my car. Now!"
As she dragged him out of his own apartment, Howard and Raj were left alone in their friend's apartment, before Howard leaped for the DVD, pulled out 'Iron Man', stuck it in its jewel case, and thrust the remains of their pizza and wings boxes under his arm, before shoving Raj towards the door.
"No way we're staying at six-point-five! We're watching the rest of this baby at your place and your nice big TV!" Wolowitz was nearly out the door with his friend, until Raj did a one-eighty, ran back to the couch and dumped a bowl of something into the chicken wing box. "What the heck...? Howard wondered.
"Screw Sheldon! I like mushrooms no matter what shape they're in!"
Later, as cooler heads prevailed, and Penny brought her flashy car home, Leonard and Sheldon discussed potential birthday presents for her as they cleaned up the remnants of the 'Iron Man' viewing.
"No way, no how!" Leonard sighed. "I'm pretty sure Penny wouldn't want a case of Oil of Olay, even if Costco has it on sale!"
"Well, then you could, of course, come to my symposium at the university, which as luck would have it, takes place on the same night as Penny's birthday, thereby avoiding all manner of unsanitary human contact with dubious haute cuisine at a restaurant that you haven't a hope in hell of ever going to again because of their outrageous prices for minuscule amounts of pretentiously-decorated and arranged fusion-types of food. I'll be rocking the academicians with my study of cosmic string theory as it pertains to gravimetric inequities and planetary aphelion and perihelion positions!"
Leonard sighed, and rolled his eyes behind his glasses. "Sounds...amazing."
"It shall be! Make no mistake! I can score you a couple of prime seats, too! Seventh row, center! No, wait. I'll need those for the scores of campus newspaper reporters and photographers that'll surely be in attendance, and I want to be sure they hear every word and get my good side for the front page. How does fourteenth row, off to the right near the fire extinguisher sound?"
"Uhhh..."
Sheldon frowned, and propped his fists on his hips, giving his friend a reasonable copy of one of the looks his own mother gave him whenever he suggested that Jesus was from the planet Vulcan. "Leonarrrd? Now, don't get greedy! Fourteenth row is the best I can do, after I found a scalper and paid big money for those seats."
"The thing iswhataminute! You actually paid a scalper...for seats to your own symposium?"
"Yes. Why?"
"Um. Nope. No reason. But, thanks anyway. I think Penny and I will take our chances with that Mexican-Albanian fusion restaurant. Or maybe just White Castle."
Sheldon sniffed a derogatory "Hmph!", and mumbled under his breath, "Hey, big spender!"
Later on, to give her the good news, Leonard crossed the hallway over to the other side where Penny's apartment was. He was about to just knock once when the mischievous side of him made his face break out into a smile and he proceeded to imitate Sheldon.
Knock-knock-knock.
"Penny!":
Knock-knock-knock.
"Penny!"
Knock-knock-knock.
"Penny!"
Then he realized that might have been a mistake, since she might not want to answer the door to his know-it-all roommate.
Knock-knock.
"It's just me, Penny! Leonard."
He checked his breath, made a face, and popped in several Tic-Tacs, nearly choking on one that accidentally rolled down his throat. He swallowed hard and recovered seconds later, adopting a casual pose of leaning on one arm against her door frame, but the door remained closed.
"She's not home," a deep, morose voice told him, sounding not too dissimilar to Boris Karloff.
"Oh! Hi, ."
"Good evening, ," the depressed white-haired old man droned.
"Hofstadter."
"Hoftstedler."
"Hofstadter."
"Hofshtededer."
"Hofst- sighhh. , we have this conversation every time we see each other."
"That's because you keep calling me 'Chekov'," the old man frowned with hound dog-like lines creasing his features downward.
"Isn't that you name?"
"No. It's Williams."
"Oh, but, Howard told me-" Leonard explained, until realization dawned on him. Leonard gritted his teeth as he recalled the quivering smirk on Howard's face as he identified Penny's upstairs neighbor. "Wolowitz!" Leonard growled to himself.
"Williams! Give a senior a break, willya?" the old man growled back, about to leave.
"No-no, I mean, my friend got confused with your name."
"He's confused?"
"Uh, doesn't...really..matter, sir. But, you say that Penny's not home?"
"Yes. I'm sure of it."
Leonard squinted as he tried to reconcile how an old man, who was supposedly losing his hearing, and lived above Penny could know her movements...except for the occasional passionate night in bed...
"Oh, so you saw her leave?"
"No. But she was playing the music of that cougar person..."
"John 'Cougar' Mellencamp?"
Williams looked at Leonard like he was an idiot, and replied, "No, Madonna. Plays the same flippin' song before she goes to work, every single day, every single time."
"Oh, really? Which song?"
Williams stared at him deadpanned and answered, "Something about virginity. All whiny and cutesy."
"Oh."
"Makes me sick. Keep hearing it in my head. Over and over. Over and over." Leonard looked at him with sympathy, so Williams added, "Used to hear the cries of my men on the battlefield and the sounds of shells exploding and walls crashing down around me...now all I hear is that voice...that whiny, cutesy voice singing about 'virginity' and 'nothing to hide' and 'hearing her heart beat for the very first time'. Yeesh."
"Okay. Sorry."
Williams shrugged, and started to leave, saying with his usual slow droning tone, "Don't worry about me...worry about your little Penny. I'm off to the record store. Gonna buy my own record for her to listen to all the time."
"Oh, that's nice. What're you gonna buy?"
"Sounds of the battlefield. Gonna fill her head up with explosions and guns going off."
Leonard stood by Penny's door awkwardly, and watched as Williams trudged slowly down the steps, eventually humming a few bars of Madonna's 'Like A Virgin'.
Well, if he couldn't tell her here, he'd go see her at work to give the good news. Leonard found the Cheesecake Factory unusually busy, with every table filled to capacity, and the noise level of conversation about five times louder than a Los Angeles Dodgers game, and amidst the chaos a panicked and frazzled Penny and Bernadette. It seemed like the worst possible time to ask her if she'd like to check out a comedy club on her birthday, but with the date looming in just 22 hours, what choice did he have? He approached the love of his life, even as Fernando the Busboy came charging towards him, his arms filled with dripping, food-encrusted plates.
"Amigo, outtaway! Outtaway! iLa gente hambrienta gorda me molesta realmente!"
The busboy barged into the kitchen, where 2 seconds later he collided with the Sous Chef and an argument in equal doses of Spanish and Korean erupted.
Leonard couldn't help but smirk and mumble to himself, "What do you know? A Spanish-Korean fusion food fight!" He collected his thoughts and approached Penny, but she was too involved with a rude and loud customer to notice him.
"Whadaya y'all mean y'all ain't got no dang mutton?" the big boy with no neck and three chins cried out, his red face matching the smears of ketchup on Penny's apron. "Wha' kinda low-class, hog-squealin' res-tor-runt is this dump? I want my mutton!"
"Then maybe you should call your daddy!" Penny snapped.
"Say whaaat?" the large man squealed.
"You heard me, Haystack Calhoun!"
"Why I haven't been so insulted-!"
"-since this morning in traffic court?" Penny finished for him.
"PennyPennyPennyPenny! Ease up! Whoawhoawhoa!" Leonard gasped, easing her away from the irate customer before he said something he'd regret! She did know how to hog-tie a calf, after all!
"Leonard! What're you doing here?"
"Oh, just dropping by to-"
"Whaaat?" she asked loudly, trying to hear his softer voice amongst the construction site-like cacophony of noise around them. Fernando dropped some more plates in the kitchen...or maybe the refrigerator.
"I said I just stopped by to-"
"Oh, sweetie, that's nice, but as you can see I'm super-super busy! We'll talk after my shift is over, 'kay?"
"I know, I can see that, but I have an idea for your birthday I wanted to run by you!" he practically shouted.
Even then, Penny was only able to hear every other word, since her attention was being drawn back to the overweight hick and his Klump-like family, as he tugged on her apron. "If y'all can't gimme some darn-tootin' mutton, wuzabout some chicken frickasee? I ain't seein' it on the menya, but I know a good place where y'all can just kill the chicken yerself and cook it up real fine-like!"
"Leonard, Leonard, please, I can't talk now!"
"Now, Cornwall, y'all knows ya can't have the chicken frickasee onna counta the Dactor sayin' too much salt and molasses and lard ain't good fer yer heart!" the wife warned. "Not to mention the bad case of poo-poos chicken frickasee gives ya!"
"Aaaw, Maude, just keep yer mouth attached to that there beer glass, and lemme do the darn-tootin' orderin' job!"
Leonard pressed on, despite the racket. "Raj thinks it's not that great an idea, but Howard told me about it and I saw a commercial with him in it, and I thought-"
"How cans I drink mah beer iffin it ain't even gots ice cubes innit?" the wife cried out, pushing it away. "Nurse! Y'all said you'd get me my-"
"Momma, that'sa waiteress, not a nurse! Heeeeeheeeee!" their bone-wrack, skinny hillbilly son chuckled, 7-Up suddenly spraying out of his nose and onto his wimpy peach-fuzz 'moustache'.
"Shut up, Egbert!"
"I can't deal with this right now, Leonard! Sorry! We'll talk!"
"Okay, but I'm sure you'll like Gary Binefield! He's a really funny stand-up comedian and-"
"Egbert! Stop that!" the mother shouted, slapping the Heinz bottle out of her son's mouth, and making it land in another table. "That there's dang ketchup, not yer five o'clock feedin' bottle! I was fixin' ta give ya one until Pa, here, brought us to this here place!"
"Finefine, comedian, okay! Gotta go, Leonard!" Penny said, nudging Leonard out of the way to focus on her customers. "Okay, so how about if we fry up some chicken and pour a half a gallon of molasses on it? Will that make it chicken frickasee?"
The fat man looked at her with horror and exclaimed, "Fry a chicken? What kinda frickin' Commie way of cookin' is that? Ain't y'all ever boiled a chicken in lard an' moonshine before?"
Leonard meekly left the Cheesecake Factory and Penny to her fate, but not before he overheard at a different table Bernadette's tiny voice raise to 's boisterous sound level with an intimidating,
"THE COUPON SAID ONE DINNER FOR THE PRICE OF TWO, NOT THREE HUNDRED, YOU CHEAP MORON!"
Leonard nodded to himself, guessing that whoever put the inappropriately-worded free food offer was going to be minus one job by tomorrow morning.
Penny was quite excited about the date to a comedy club, considering the rough week she'd been having at work. A dinner, a few laughs, and free drinks would definitely be alot better than the check for twenty dollars and phone call from her mother asking her why she wasn't married yet. And best of all, the seats were right up at the front.
"This is going to be great!" she gushed, giving Leonard's arm a squeeze. "I mean, you see guys like him on TV all the time, but to actually see him in person! Wow! I won't ask how much the tickets cost, but I bet it hurt!"
Leonard smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "Not really. I spend more on back issues of the 'Justice League'!"
"Just as long as it's back issues of superheroes and not 'Penthouse' magazine!"
"Oh, no...of course not. That'd be...wrong," he replied lamely, his eyes shifting about, not looking at her.
"So, seriously- how much did they cost? Just a ballpark figure?" she teased.
Leonard shrugged and replied, "$29.95."
"No, no, sweetie, 'ballpark' means a general amount between two totals. Not an exact price per ticket."
"No, I know. $29.95 for the both of us."
"Huh?"
"Plus two drinks each are included in the price!" Leonard smiled, as if he were bragging.
She looked at him with that vacant, misunderstanding look that he found both endearing and unsettling. He hated having to come off as the smarter one, mainly because, well, he was the smarter one.
"Wow. I had no idea he was on such hard times. I figured his shows would go for at least a hundred bucks these days, even this long off the air."
"Huh?" Now it was his turn to look at her vacantly.
"Jerry Seinfeld. He was the top comedian for a while there and I heard his stand-up shows were expensive, so I just thought..."
"Um...Penny...The thing is...oh, boy."
"Oh, Leonard, it's okay! I'm sure he's still funny, even if his shows cost less than a new coffeemaker! But this'll still be cool! I love 'Seinfeld'! Maybe he'll come out wearing a puffy shirt!"
"Penny, it's not-"
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!" she giggled, quoting a famous line.
"Penny-"
"These pretzels are making me thirsty! Yadda-yadda-yadda!"
"Penny it's not Jerry Seinfeld!" he finally snapped, making her stop. "Look, I think you must have misheard me when I was talking to you in your restaurant-"
"Kinda hard not to with Jabba the Hillbilly crying about wanting mutton! So, we're not going to see Jerry Seinfeld?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Sorry."
'S'kay. Who're we seeing?"
"Gary Binefield."
"Whooo?"
"Some guy...Raj thought he was funny, and I saw a commercial on Youtube featuring his shows."
"Gary Binefield. Seriously?"
"Seriously."
Penny shrugged and forced a smile to turn her frown upside down. "Well...maybe he'll come out in a funny puffy shirt! And thank God for the two free drinks!"
"Non-alcoholic drinks."
"Dammit."
Not long after that Gary Binefield made his appearance, and he actually did seem to be a funny guy, with the majority of the crowd behind him.
"It's not a good idea to eat and drive, people, really, it isn't!" Binefield told his captivated audience. "Like for instance, I met this really crabby, grouchy cop recently who stopped me when I was, yes, eating and driving. Took me almost a minute to roll down my window to talk to him...what with my spaghetti and meatballs in my hands! Man, he was so crabby, that I thought I could bribe my way out of a ticket if I bribed him with some of my meatballs, but I guess he saw me pick them up off the floor of the car. I don't know- he just got angrier after that! Then when I had to put down my Margarita to look for my driver's licence he got even madder! I wonder why he was so pissed off? Maybe a long day of sitting on his fat behind on that motorcycle and eating donuts! I guess if I'd been eating a box of donuts I coulda got off Scot-free, if I'd shared one or five with him!"
Penny and Leonard laughed at the jokes and those that followed which covered the categories of car insurance, rude customers at the bank, and tune-flavored kitty-litter when Binefield touched upon an invention he'd noted in the store.
"Did you ever see one of those cool computerized photo frames? The kind that you can download a buncha photographs onto, and it changes every few seconds? Aren't those just awesome? And do you know who created them? A woman! Yeah, it's true! It had to be a woman, and you know why? Because that's how women expect us men to watch TV whenever we have to listen to our wives! It's all a load of 'Yes, dears' and 'Oh, that's nice!' comments as we're looking at our wives or girlfriends as they drone on and on about their shoes and purses and our apparent inexplicable, to them, obsession with sports, but out of the corner of our eye, we're able to see the images on a TV and note that they're changing, but the sound is being drowned out by her voice! The television, which used to be equipped with a feature I like to refer to as 'sound' and 'storylines', has been reduced to one of those changing picture frames! One second you're checking out the babes on 'America's Next Top Model' and the next, out of the corner of your eye there's a guy with a camera, then there's a horse, and then a close-up of a plate of corn- it all makes no sense! It would, if we had sound, but without it, it's just a jumble of photographs that some schmuck thought he'd display in one of those electronic, computerized frames! You, sir! You know what I'm talking about, don't you?"
Leonard froze up and much like the comedian's opinion on television, he found he'd lost his own control of his 'sound feature'. He shrugged and giggled, trying to put on a brave face as the one thing he feared the most- being the center of attention for a stand-up comedian- suddenly came true.
"Oh, yea, yea, yes, yes,yea!" Binefield proclaimed, a knowing smile breaking out on his pudgy face. "You know it! That your wife? Did you buy one of those fancy 42-inch High definition digital wide-screen photo frames, thinking it was a television set?" The crowd laughed at the joke and Leonard's obvious embarrassment, and it didn't help that Penny was staring at him, wondering what he'd say next.
"But, that's okay, dude, really! If I had that chick as my wife I'd stare at her all day, too! Oh, yea, yea, yea, yea, yea, yea, yea!"
Penny's attitude immediately shifted to one of a brilliant white smile at the compliment, making Leonard comfortable enough to shout out, "Yeah, and it's her birthday!"
"Oooooooh, birthday girl, huh? Birrrrthday girl! Happy 39th birthday, babe! What's your name, honey?"
"Pen-"
"Naw, actually I don't care what your name is! Just keep showing those awesome hooters and we'll be just fine!"
A chill ran down Leonard's back, and Penny's face turned red...probably from anger, he suspected.
"How much older are you than your boy-toy here? Three years? Six?"
The crowd laughed, but neither Penny or Leonard was.
"So why'd you go out on your birthday with a guy like that? Lose a bet on your last birthday to go out with a geek from the library?"
"Listen, buddy-!" she began, but like a pro used to hecklers, Gary Binefield pressed on.
"Hey, it's no problem, chickee! We all have to slum sometimes! It could be worse! I saw the way you were tossing back those rum and cokes, and by now you're probably seeing two of him! That way you can decide which one is cuter and will get lucky tonight, and which one to kick to the curb!"
Again, the crowd laughed up a storm, but Penny and Leonard just wanted to crawl under a rock or become invisible. Leonard made a silent promise to himself to get Sheldon's help in exact revenge on the unwitting so-called comedian- science geek style!
"Hey, I'm just kidding with you, babe! Blonds have no sense of humor but brunettes like you do, right?"
Penny's eyes went all squinty and uncomprehending (and not from her non-alcoholic drink), so she replied, "I'm not a brunette! I'm a natural blond!"
"Oh, yea, yea, yea, yea, yea, yea, yea!" Binefield laughed, uttering his lame trademark remark. "Tell that to the good folks that make Nice N Easy hair coloring 'Blond Number 7'! You know all about that, don'tcha, brother? Nice N easy? Get it?"
The crowd laughed their heads off, but were soon replaced by gasps of "Ooooh!" and "Wooo!" as Leonard stood up, ready to defend his woman by tearing the rude comedian down by overwhelming him with a scientific insult that would make Einstein blush, but Penny held him back, and growled,
"He's mine!"
The crowd went nuts as Penny slowly stalked Binefield, her eyes unblinking and her fists as tightly clenched as they were when Sheldon tried to teach her science by way of a dry erase board and long, convoluted stories of old-time science guys. To his credit, Binefield stood his ground, even if his voice belied his false bravado.
"Now, now, baby, let me remind you that it's a crime in this country to hit a guy with glasses!" He stepped back, rummaged through the box of props left over from the previous comic, prop comic Benny Lockwood, and spun around wearing ridiculous, over-sized sun glasses. "Was it the 39th birthday comment? Then maybe I should have said 37th! You don't look a day over 37 with all that sun tan damage!"
Face to face with someone that wasn't cracking a smile, and appeared to have the super power of staring right into his soul and frying it like an egg, Gary Binefield lost all ability to be 'funny', and felt the crowd losing faith in him. There were even a few chants of "Go, girl!" and "Binefield sucks!" out amongst the audience that he'd believed was on his side, so mumbling low enough for only Penny to hear and his mic lowered, Binefield stuttered,
"Hey, hey, c'mon, lady, I'm just having a b-bit of fun, ya know? You come to a comedy club a-and you gotta expect some insults if you show up with a nerd like that!"
Penny's eyes examined the prop box and found a suitable object to remove. She yanked it out of the box and Binefield took a frightened step back and the audience to hoot and gasp.
"Hey, watch it! You can take an eye out with one of those things! You hit me with that and so help me I'll get my brother-in-law lawyer to sue you!"
Penny wrapped the hot pink girl's skipping rope around her fists, and yanked it to test its tensile strength, as a mischievous (and frankly, hostile) expression overcame her features.
Leonard had never been so turned on.
"Oh, I'm not going to use this little girl's skipping rope to whip you, Binefield! That's be too simple!"
"Uh-huh. What're you going to do with it? It's a skipping rope not a Barbie play set telephone! I think you're having another blond moment, chickee! Oh, yea, yea, yea-"
"Third-rate stand-up comedian Gary Binefield has announced his retirement from the business, following an incident at a show where he was performing at Sacramento. Seen here, courtesy of an audience member's cell phone camera, Binefield had gradually descended into crass and insulting humor, only to pick on the wrong blond who took exception. When confronted, the lovely, but unidentified blond had this response..."
On the TV in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, the gang watched their unexpected friend's appearance on 'Entertainment Tonight', and saw a grainy image of Penny standing next to Binefield.
"I think you're having another blond moment, chickee! Oh, yea, yea, yea, yueerrgghhhellp! What heck are you-? Hey, HEYHEYHEY! Not down there! OOOWWWW! HEY, MAN, THAT'S MY OOOOFF! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWMOMMY!"
"As you can see, the woman was no dumb blond as she used a mere child's skipping rope to hog-tie Binefield with it in under 30 seconds! And adding insult to injury, the club manager was unable to untie the intricate knots binding Binefield's arms and legs behind his back, prompting a call to 911, who arrived 45 minutes later. We're curious as to the identity of the experienced young lady, and believe her 15 minutes of fame will overshadow Binefield's less-than-stellar 12 years in the business!"
"That's all well and good, but this is supposed to be 'Flash Night'. You promised me 'Flash Night, Leonard," Sheldon moaned from his customary spot at the end of the couch.
"Hey, c'mon! It's not every day that one of us winds up on 'Entertainment Tonight'!"
"If that's how low one of you would aim, then congratulations, you made it. Let's get on with 'Flash Night'."
"It's okay, Leonard- I'm taping this on my DVR in my apartment. I just wanted to see Sheldon's look of envy!"
"The only time the emotion of 'envy' and 'Entertainment Tonight' entered my life, Penny, was when one John Tesh got to play a Klingon on 'Star Trek - The Next Generation'. Otherwise, this glee over an assault on that unfortunate man is lost on me."
"He insulted Stephen Hawking," Leonard lied. "Called him a poopy-head."
Sheldon's features contained a veritable human volcano of wrath, but all he allowed himself to utter was, "The troglodyte!"
"Oooo!~" Howard smirked. "Way to stick it to him!"
"Well, that's enough of that! Bring on 'Flash Night!" Sheldon insisted.
Howard and Raj watched Leonard slowly shuffle over to the DVD player, give them an apologetic look (since the old 'Flash Night' was a thing of the past now), and hit 'play'. He went back to his seat, but knew the attentive, smiling, enthusiastic attitude that Sheldon was displayingng would be short-lived. The program began with the opening credits of the long-gone television show from the early 1990's.
"Well, this is starting out nicely. Yes, sir, a bolt of lightning and a clap of thunder- very good. Indicative of the Flash breaking the sound barrier and whizzing by in a blur. Mm-hmm. Nice Gothic-like architecture for Central City, reminiscent of Gotham City. Yes, yes, that's very good- an electrical storm shocking Barry Allen's body and giving him the super-speed super powers. Oh, I do like the orchestral movements of this opening theme- quite like the 1989 classic 'Batman', starring Micheal Keaton."
"Same composer- Danny Elfman," Howard noted. Raj whispered in Howard's ear and he moaned, "Yes, he will be speaking through the entire episode! Get used to it!" Raj's face fell.
Sheldon nodded with a smile which disappeared quickly at the revelation that 'The Flash' starred an actor named 'John Wesley Shipp'."
"Oh, my. Oh, dear," Sheldon sighed, disconsolately.
"What?" Leonard growled through gritting teeth.
"I assume that John Wesley Shipp is the star, and he portrays the Flash's civilian identity of Barry Allen?"
"Yes."
"Oh, my. Oh, dear."
"Aw, c'mon! What's wrong with that?"
"It's just that John Wesley Shipp has dark hair and everybody knows Barry Allen has blond hair, so...hmm. Well, the actress that plays Iris West, Barry's girlfriend, seems pleasant enough."
"Amanda Pays doesn't play Iris, she plays a scientist called 'Christine McGee'," Howard revealed. "Iris only appeared in the pilot episode."
"Oh, my. Oh, dear. Waitaminute! That's Alex Desert!"
"So?" Leonard asked.
"He used to be on Ted Danson's other show, 'Becker'! I told you he wasn't blind in real-life! Why did you try to trick me into thinking he was blind?"
"Because I didn't want you to Wikipedia the guy and find out he played 'Julio Mendez' on 'The Flash' and thereby ruin 'Flash Night' for me and the guys!"
"Julio whoooo?" Sheldon asked, unfamiliar with a name that was created for the TV show and not the comic books.
"Just watch the show!" Howard snapped.
"How can I, with a new alternate reality distorting my perceptions of how the show should have been produced! And how can I complain to the producers about those inaccuracies with production shut down long ago? Oh, my, this just won't do. And don't see the ring that Barry Allen wears that expels his super-compressed scarlet costume to emanate from."
"He doesn't suit up like that," Leonard mumbled, trying to pay attention to the episode.
"Then how does he don his spandex tights?"
"They're not spandex."
"What is it, then?"
"Somekinda red rubber suit created by the Russians that Doctor McGee appropriated-" Howard answered, only to be interrupted again by Sheldon's concerns.
"What's this? More night time shoots? Why is everything happening at night? It looks too much like all those inexplicable night-time shots on alien planets from the original 'Battlestar Galactica'. Why is everything happening at night?"
"Just because," Leonard moaned.
"And what's with that sloppy, stringy lightning bolt on his costume? It should be thicker, and yellow, not gold. It's too long and thin like a string of spaghetti! And there should only be six pointed edges on it, not however many they willy-nilly gave this Shipp person. Mm. And I believe that's a fake British accent that Ms. Pays is sporting."
"It's not fake," Howard growled.
"Can you be sure?" Sheldon challenged.
"Yes- we're talking about Howard here!" Leonard stated.
"Still-"
"No-no! No ifs ands or buts, Sheldon! I researched her on plenty of sites and even wrote to her fift- a couple times! She was born in London, England in 1959, okay? Please! Just watch the show!"
Raj whispered into Howard's ear, and he nodded solemnly. "Yea, I know. After this we have only 21 more episodes to endure!"
Sheldon was quiet for exactly nine point three seconds before he had to air his thoughts even more.
"Maybe you should have let me watch the pilot episode first? I'm kinda lost here. Don't know what's going on or who's who. Who's that guy?"
"Alex Desert! Remember? From the credits? 45 seconds ago?" Leonard groaned.
"What's he doing in a laboratory if he's a doctor?" Sheldon asked quietly.
"He's not a doctor! He's a forensic specialist, like Barry Allen! Now be quiet!"
Sheldon paused before he corrected, "'Police Scientist'. In the DC Comics, Barry Allen was a 'Police Scientist'."
"It means the same thing, Sheldon!" Leonard groaned, rubbing his face in frustration. "Comic book writers probably never heard of C.S.I. back in those days, but it doesn't matter! In this version of the Flash, Barry Allen and his friend and co-worker, Julio, are forensic specialists working for the Central City Police Department, and Doctor Christine McGee is secretly helping Barry as the Flash! Ookaaay?"
"'kay."
"Good!"
Sheldon watched the show for a few more seconds before he looked at Howard and asked suspiciously, "What part of London?"