It was a dark and sumptuous night. The bat signal had been on for what felt like an eternity, but there's no way he would be able to stop crime tonight Batman had a belly ache because he had eaten leftover Chinese food from like, a week ago. He felt icky and bloated, and he had been gassy for hours. Painfully, Batman sipped on his alka-seltzer water and cried out to Alfred, "Alfred! Rub my belly, because it hurts!"
And so Alfred did.
The end.