Canada's Really Big
This is a songfic of sorts, set to the song Canada's Really Big by the Arrogant Worms. If you have never heard this song, I encourage you to listen to it (it can be found on YouTube), even if you're not Canadian. In the context of Hetalia, it's absolutely hilarious.
This fic is not meant to be taken seriously.
Rated 'T' for some language and some, um, rather descriptive innuendo.
I don't claim any rights to either Hetalia or Canada's Really Big.
-x-
Today was the day of the next G8 meeting, and America was stoked. Usually these meetings were so boring, but today… today America had something totally awesome. Not as awesome as he was, obviously, but still pretty rockin'. He sniggered all the way down the hallway, not noticing the mildly confused stare Lithuania gave him as he walked past.
America kicked the conference room door open with a bang, thrust his chest out in a heroic pose, and promptly yelled, "Dudes! Guess what? I have something wicked cool to show you!" The other seven countries looked at him with expressions ranging from irritation (England) to rapt interest (Italy). America squinted at an empty chair for a moment before winking at it. "Canada, bro, how come I never knew you were so, like, mondo-huge?"
All eyes immediately turned to what they had assumed to be an empty chair, only to realize there was a confused blond boy sitting there with a bear in his lap. Canada's face flushed slightly and he stuttered, "I d-don't know what you mean, America. It's true I have the second largest land mass but… " He trailed off in the face of a stare from Russia.
America let loose a loud laugh. "Dudes, okay, seriously, you totally have to listen to this song. I heard it last week and I, like, literally died laughing."
"If only," England muttered, glowering at his former colony from under his rather formidable eyebrows. America either didn't notice or chose to ignore him.
Producing a set of speakers seemingly from nowhere, America cranked the volume, plopped down in his chair, and giggled like a schoolgirl through the short introduction.
Oh when I look around me,
I can't believe what I see
It seems as if this country
Has lost its will to live
"Well, that's a little harsh," mumbled Germany, who was hosting the conference. Italy patted his back with a wan expression on his face.
The economy is lousy
We barely have an army-
"-we do so have an army!"
"Who are they talking about?"
-But we can still stand proudly
'Cause Canada's really big!
"It's about Canada!" Italy exclaimed.
The nation in question, having heard the song before (it was written by some of his own people, after all), tried his hardest to be invisible – it was unusually difficult, given the dark blush that was spreading over his face.
We're the second largest country
On this planet Earth-
Germany threw a sidelong glance at Russia, who seemed to be enjoying himself with a small smile on his face.
-And if Russia
Keeps on shrinking
Then soon we'll be first!
(As long as we keep Quebec)
Russia's malevolent purple aura expanded and his smile took on an edge. "You think you can be bigger than me, da? I do not shrink, but soon you will become one with mother Russia."
Canada squeaked.
The USA has tanks-
"Hell yeah, baby! I can kick all your asses!"
-And Switzerland has banks-
"Hey, I have some pretty sexy banks, why aren't they talking about me?"
"Shut up, you bloody frog!"
They can keep them, thanks-
"Always so polite, Canada."
They just don't amount.
'Cause when you get down to it
You find out what the truth is
It isn't what you do with it
It's the size that counts!
The room was suddenly overcome by an explosion of laughs and catcalls. Germany reached over and paused the song – America had fallen on to the floor and was rolling around, clutching his stomach and howling. Italy had dissolved into helpless giggles, England was slapping his knee in a rare fit of mirth, and Russia was smiling and chuckling to himself. Japan merely sat staring at the table, hands folded in his lap and an embarrassed expression of surprise on his face. France had leaped out of his seat and clasped Canada on the shoulder, tears in his eyes, loudly proclaiming in a mixture of French and English how proud he was of his petit colonie, all grown up.
Canada, for his part, had buried his face in Kumajiro's fur and refused to look up.
After several minutes, the room had quieted slightly, as the assembled countries wiped their eyes and attempted to compose themselves – a few kept breaking out into small giggles. America, still lying on the floor with tears streaming down his face, managed to gasp, "P-press play. This is the best part!"
France gave his signature chuckle. "Ohonhon, Amerique, I somehow doubt that."
England nodded, still grinning widely. "I hate to agree with you, Francy-pants, but I think you might be right. That's bloody brilliant."
America just shook his head, saying, "Trust me, dudes, France…"
Canada groaned into Kumajiro's back, causing the bear to look up. "Who?"
Germany, sick of stalling (they were very much wasting time with this song and they had fallen behind schedule), reached over and pushed 'play'.
Most people
Will tell you
That France is pretty large
The country in question smirked. "It is true, I am très grand." He reached for his zipper.
England scowled at him. "Stop it, you perverted frog! Nobody wants to see it!"
"I've seen it!" Italy put in excitedly. Germany whacked him across the back of the head and Japan covered his eyes.
But you can put
Fourteen Frances
Into this land of ours
(It'd take a lot of work, it'd take a whole lot of work)
America's hysterics reached a new pitch. "Oh man, that's so wrong, that's so weird, dude, Canada, I knew you had, like, a daddy complex, but really…" He trailed off.
France looked shocked. "Quatorze? That can't possibly be right. Canada, is that right? That can't be right! "
England looked torn – he wasn't sure to laugh at France's distress, or be dismayed at the thought of fourteen of him. Germany was clearly thinking the latter, looking at France with an expression of mild horror.
Russia was smiling innocently, contemplating how many Frances would fit inside him.
We're bigger than Malaysia-
"Why Malaysia?" Italy wondered
-Almost as big as Asia-
Japan blinked.
"Ooh, that's why! It rhymes!"
-We're bigger than Australia
And it's a continent!
"Aussie won't be happy."
So big we seldom bother
To go see one another
But we often go to other
Countries for vacation
"Like me!" Italy called, waving. "And big brother France!"
France was still looking at his crotch in bemusement.
Russia was still smiling.
America was still laughing.
Our mountains
Are very pointy
Our prairies
Are not
"Dude, I totally have mountains and prairies too!" America said loudly.
The rest is
Kinda bumpy
But man do we have a lot!
(We gotta lot of land, we gotta whole lot of land)
England smirked at America. "You're definitely 'kinda bumpy', America, maybe you should stop eating that slop you call food for a change."
"Pot, meet kettle," France muttered.
America looked at Britain with a frown. "Did you just call me fat?"
So stand up and be proud
And sing out very loud
We stand out from the crowd
'Cause Canada's really big!
Canada wasn't feeling even remotely proud. He was mortified.
"Hey, Canada looks like a tomato!" Italy pointed out with a huge smile.
Germany never did get that meeting back on track.
Then again, for some reason, Canada wasn't overlooked nearly as often after that…