The Queen: A loooooong one shot. I just thought if I split it into chapters, they would be too short to bother with.
The Slave: And be warned – A slack, out on a whim fic, SLIGHT x OC going on, she claims its for the plot of it, but whatever.
-Jew's can't Date Hot Chicks-
"You look tired dude."
"You would be too if you had to stay up all night serving crackers to a pack of housewives!"
"Why does your mum do this to you?"
"I dunno, but I'm getting pretty sick of it."
Stan sat at his desk, examining Kyle, who was slumped so far down in his seat his hat was barely visible above the back of the chair. It wasn't the first time his mum had kept him up all night, serving appetizers at every form of boring sales-pitch party in existence.
"Hey dudes. Woah! Your mum have another Bitches-united meet last night?"
Despite his size, one always seemed to hear Cartman's arrival before seeing it.
"No. Tupper-ware party."
Kyle absentmindedly stared at the front of the room, unwilling to bother telling Cartman to stop calling his mum a bitch.
"It's gunna keep happening you know, first it's the bragging to the friends, then it's the curfews, then it's the interfering with girlfriends. There's no escape Kyle, the Jew-mother will own you for eternity." Cartman faded out for dramatic effect.
"Shut up you fat lard!" Stan retaliated.
"What he said." Kyle added , sitting up with exhausted effort.
"Oh ho! You deny it now, but just you wait and see, the chances of you being able to date a hot chick without interference from mega-bitch, are less than zero. You can't fight it, it's in your blood."
Kyle found his strength starting to rise with his annoyance.
"Jews can date any chicks they want!"
"Your mum will scare them off with baby-photos before you even know their name."
"You wanna bet?"
"Yeah I wanna bet!"
"I'll even let you set the terms, you pick the girl, and I bet I can get a whole date with her, without my mum interfering!"
Weather or not it was induced by lack of sleep or not, Stan didn't know, he just knew that maybe Kyle was getting a little over confident.
"Don't get carried away dude, you don't wanna do-"
"Alright then Jew, if I win, you have to do all my homework for a month!"
"And if I win, you have to stop calling my mum a bitch., and quit the Jew jokes."
"Oh why don't you just cut off my balls!"
"Do we have a deal or not?"
"... My friend, we have a bet."
Stan once again tried to intervene, but had only just opened his mouth when Mr. Garison made his flamboyant entrance.
"Alright, all you little parasites take your seats, I got a new student to introduce..."
Cartman quoted a contract to Kenny, who scribed it on a piece of note paper.
"And should... the great Eric Cartman... prove... to be correct..."
"Is there a problem Eric?" Mr. Garison yelled across the room.
Cartman fell silent.
"As I was saying, transferring from Middle Park elementary, I am glad to introduce to you, Brittany, You can come in now Brittany."
Apon instruction from Mr. Garison, Brittany entered the room, sporting long brown hair tied back with a white ribbon and a white jacket with tartan skirt.
Her stocking-covered legs and Mary-Jane clad feet curled inwards nervously as she stood before the class.
Kyle heard Kenny mutter something to Cartman, who had to suppress a fit of giggles at Kenny's filthy thoughts. Kyle stared at the new girl, she was gorgeous, she was perfect.
"No dude, no way, I can't let you do this."
Stans voice of reason entered Kyles thoughts, only vaguely. Cartman's voice seemed more important for the first time ever at that point.
"I think we've found our girl, you're going down Kyle."
School was out.
Now's my chance, Kyle thought to himself, walking quickly towards Brittany from behind, when something grabbed his shoulder.
"You're not serious are you?" The something was Stan.
"What, you just want me to sit back and let Cartman win?"
"If you were so scared of him winning, why did you make the bet?!" Stan shook Kyle in the attempt to knock the dust off his sense. Kyle merely shook his head and calmly took Stan's hands from his shoulders.
"Don't worry, I'm positive there is no way Cartman can try and rigg this, if mum doesn't know about Brittany, how can she interfere? This will be a piece of cake."
Kyle jogged to catch up with Brittany. Stan rolled his eyes, Kyle was forgetting he had to persuade Brittany to go out with him first.
"Hey! Brittany!"
"Hmm?"
Kyle caught up to the new girl, who cocked her head to one side in an inquisitive manner.
"Hi! I don't think I introduced myself earlier. My name's Kyle, I sit in the row behind you." Kyle smiled.
Be smooth Kyle, be smooth.
"Oh, nice to meet you Kyle."
The pair walked home together, talking, unawares of the fat kid watching them.
Enjoy it Kyle, this is the last time you'll get to be alone with little miss sunshine.
Cartman ran ahead to Kyle's house, as he was taking the long route back via Brittany's house.
"Hello Eric, what can I do for you?"
Cartman suddenly got the urge scream 'bitch' but disguise it was a cough upon seeing Kyle's mum Sheila answer the door.
"Afternoon ma'am, Kyle oh so carelessly left his workbook at school, I just thought I should return it." Cartman handed the workbook he stole to Mrs. Broflovski.
"Thank you very much Eric, it certainty isn't like Kyle to forget his books but."
"Oh, you know, he was just in such a rush to see this new girl he must have forgotten, kids can be so careless!"
"A new girl you say? Oh how quaint! I should have to invite her over to dinner, especially if my bubbe has taken a liking to her."
Jackpot Cartman thought.
"I suspect that would go over fantastically, you should suggest it as soon as Kyle gets home, but I'm afraid I must go now, you know, homework to be done!" Cartman gave a falsely sweet smile before he brought plan bait-the-mega-bitch to a close and headed home himself.
Kyle arrived home, thoughts about Brittany filling his mine as he recapped their conversation to himself over and over. She like chocolate cake, and ice cream on pancakes! She wants us to do homework together! She likes Saturday morning cartoons!
"Oh Kyle, you're home! What have you been up to then?"
His mothers voice put an end to his train of thought. He had to think of a lie.
"Errrrrr, I... left my workbook at school and had to walk back to get it!"
To his surprise his mother let out a hearty laugh.
"Don't worry Kyle, your little friend Eric brought your workbook over, you don't have to lie, I plan to organize a dinner for us all as soon as possible, in fact, I might get in contact with her parents right now! They joined the PnC you know? I hear they're from..."
Kyle's mind blocked out the rest of his mums one sided conversation.
He didn't know what he expected, it would have been more shocking had Cartman not played dirty, but now, things were personal.
"Dude, you have to help me, I mean, foiling Cartman's plans before have been easy before because he was the only one who could lose, but to sabotage this, I have to somehow stop my mum! I could get grounded for a whole week! I mean..."
Kyle continued to stress out over the dinner his mother had just planned, Brittany would hate him by association before they had even gone on the date, it would be like a loss times two! Stan, however, cared a considerable amount less, just nodding in agreement, trying to focus on the maths homework in front of him.
"How is this going to work? I mean, ruining something of Cartman's is one thing, but how can I stop my mum coming into contact with Brittany if she's organizing it? You have to-"
"What's seven squared?"
"Don't change the subject!"
"If it bothers you that much, I dunno, give your mum food poisoning or something so she'll cancel it, geeze man, don't bust your balls over it, I still think you should call this whole thing off before you hurt the girl's fee-"
"Stan you're a genius!" Kyle exclaimed, having tuned out at 'food poisoning'. He promptly skidded from his room and darted down stairs, missing the look of disbelief plastered on Stan's face.
The next day, Kyle couldn't be happier. He entered the classroom and sat readily at his desk. Stan blinked at the back of his head, and decided he didn't want to know.
Cartman entered, just as pleased with himself, ignoring the fact that Kyle was in a perfectly good mood, still assuming he had their bet in the bag.
"Kenny! Please, quote to me what I get if I win our bet?"
"Kyle has to do your homework for a month."
"How much homework?"
"All your homework" Kenny was reading off the piece of paper that was still in his desk. Cartman slid back in his chair and took a deep breath.
"Ooooooh yes! Yes! Isn't it going to be great Kyle? A whole month where I can make you do my homework!"
Kyle ignored him. Deciding not to let him know the dinner party was called off.
"Dude, why are you helping him?" Stan called to Kenny, Kenny was always either on their side, or indifferent.
"I'm not exactly helping him, I just wanna be in on it, cause that Brittany girl is fine piece of meet, and if she starts hanging around near Kyle I might be able to peek up her skirt with this." Kenny showed them the mirror he had on his shoe.
"Sick dude!" Stan exclaimed in disgust. Kyle however was steadily growing mad and leaped from his seat tackling the laughing Kenny to the ground.
"You son of a bit-"
Brittany walked in.
"Morning Brittany!" Kyle's smile was back as he greet the girl that sat at the desk in front of him.
Stan buried his face in his hands. Suddenly hoping Kyle hadn't done anything too drastic to his mum for the sake of this bet.
"And that's why Big Brother is the best reality show to fap to, Oh, Kyle, you're wanted in the principals office." Mr Garison read the small card the messenger had given him. Kyle rose from his seat in wonder, ignoring Cartman's silent chants of 'Kyle's in trouble'.
Kyle was surprised to find his dad in the office, sitting before the principal, head down in thought.
"Oh Kyle, please sit down, we have some bad news." Principal Victoria indicated to a seat next to Mr. Broflovski. Kyle sat down silently, not really letting the serious atmosphere get to him.
"You see, Kyle, sometimes when people get older, they like to drink alcohol to make them feel good, but when-"
"Get to the point dad." Kyle didn't much like his fathers educational talks.
"Your mother's in a coma."
"WHAT?"
"I found her unconcious this morning with a bottle of sherry."
Although Kyle knew this was bad news, he couldn't help smiling on the inside. If she was in a coma, there was no way in hell she could interfere! It was impossible for him to lose the bet! But Kyle decided he had better put on a sad face for his father and the principal.
There was a ring at the doorbell. Kyle went down stairs to answer his front door, where Stan was standing, his question already obvious in his eyes. Kyle glanced behind him to make sure his dad was still in the other room before grabbing Stans arm and dragging him to his room.
"Our problems are solved Stan! Everything is going to be ok from now on, this bet is so mine!" Stan backed away at Kyle beamed with excitement.
"That's great, so, why were you called to the principals office, and never came back?"
"Oh, of course! Well, you see, the stuff I put in her Sherry bottle worked, she's in hospital! In a coma! Isn't that great?"
Stan looked horrified.
"Dude! She could die! What did you put in there?!"
"Just some antibiotics and stuff from the medicine cupboard."
"DUDE!"
"Settle down, they said she'll be fine after they give her a stomach pump and all that, but the point is, with her in hospital, there is a zero percent chance of her interfering with me and Brittany!" Kyle was trying to work Stan up.
"Nope. I'm out." Stan went to leave. Kyle blocked his way.
"Why are you being suck a dick about all this? Don't you see? This is our chance to show up Cartman!" Kyle stated the fact like the was the most obvious thing on the planet, Stan just crossed his arms.
"Because, in the process, you're turning into an ass hole just as bad as Cartman himself!"
It was the most insulting thing he could have said.
Kyle let down his guard.
"No..."
Stan left him alone in his room.
"You son of a BITCH! You just had to send your mother to hospital didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?" Cartman leaped for Kyle first thing the next morning. "Stupid Jew son of a biiiiiiitch!"
"Cartman, what are you talking about? I'm sure Kyle didn't do it." Kenny added trying to calm the fat, and now red boy in front of him. Kyle slowly turned towards the front of the room, staring at the empty desk before his eyes, hardly waiting until the brown-hair girl filled it, and he could once again spend the school hours admiring how well it shined.
He hadn't even noticed that Stan wasn't there yet, at least, not until he and Brittany entered the class room. Together. Laughing.
"He's so nice Kyle! He offered to carry my books for me an everything!" Brittany told Kyle all about how much she liked Stan, on their daily walk home. How much she liked Stan. Not him. Stan. Worst of all, Kyle knew it was all on purpose, Stan wanted Kyle to lose, just to prove his point. He was the one saying not to screw around with the poor girl, and now look what he was doing! It probably didn't even occur to him that he might actually like Brittany! "Hey, do you think you could put in a good word for me? Please?"
"Um, yeah, sure thing."
"Thank you so much Kyle! You're a great friend." Brittany gave him a hug before trotting happily into her house. Friend. A great friend. Nothing more. Stan was a great friend, until the son of a bitch screwed his plans. Now he would have to do Cartman's homework for a month. No, he was going to go talk to Stan right now.
Stan answer the door, and let out a sigh as soon as he saw who it was.
"No Kyle, please calm down, let me explain, no Kyle, it's not like that." Stan said monotoned at the boy standing in front of him, arms crossed, and the biggest death stare Stan had ever seen. Kyle didn't like being mocked.
"It's not funny Stan! I refuse to do Cartman's homework for him! You have to set all this straight for me, please just talk to Brittany for me, look, I know you think I'm only doing this for the bet but..." Kyle bit his lip, Stan had an eyebrow raised. "But I think I might actually like her."
Stan clapped.
"And it hasn't occurred to you that I might too?"
Kyle was dumbfounded. Him and Stan had always had a lot in common, but a taste in girls too? This was bad, for the bet anyways. Stan stared waiting for a response. Kyle didn't really have one, all forces were against him. If he went after Brittany, it would kill Stan, but if he didn't, it would kill him, and give him double loads of homework. Stan knew Kyle wouldn't say anything.
" Look, I'm going to come clean and tell Brittany everything tomorrow, we're going to the movies." Stan shut the door, and Kyle heard him walking up stairs. Kyle nodded to himself, and started on his own route home.
The movies huh? I think I might need to go to the movies too then.
Neither of the boys knew that Cartman had been hiding, listening to the whole conversation. He had been following Brittany and Kyle home the past days, in order to gain new ideas of how to win his bet. Normally, this would be perfect, and he would go and push Brittany and Stan together, but if he was going to tell her about the bet, he had to to go to the movies too, and stop them.
Cartman went home and called Kenny.
"Kenny, my man, we're going to the movies tomorrow, meet me at my house early tomorrow morning, and bring your undercover-cop playset."
"Um... yeah sure, what are we going to see"
"Geeze! Is it too much to want some quality time with my pals! Come on Ken, just come tomorrow morning, bring playset."
with that, Cartman hung up. Stan and Brittany, sitting in a tree, about to be screwed-over-more-than-Plamela-Anderson.
Kenny knocked on Cartman's door, early in the morning, as requested, still unare that he was only invited along because Cartman needed his undercover-cop playset.
"Kenny! Great to see you! Gimmi the playset." Cartman greeted falsely, stealing the box and making his way to his room. "Here, you can be prostitution sting cop." Cartman threw Kenny a mini skirt, fish nets, leather bra and fake stick-on mole.
"What? Why? No! We're going to the movies aren't we?"
"Yes, we are, to stop Stan from screwing me over and ruining my chances of having my homework done for a month! Not to mentioning losing my privileges to call Kyle a fucking Jew."
"Oh... What?"
Cartman ignored him and started putting on the drug-bust costume, fitting the bandanna and fake mustache securely. Kenny obediently started to dress as a prostitute.
"We leave in ten minutes, to wait outside the theater until Stan and Brittany show up."
"Dad, I'm going to the movies alright?" Kyle exclaimed to his dad.
"What? Kyle! We were going to visit your mother today!" Gerald poked his head from the kitchen.
"But all the guys are going, and will be talking about it at school on Monday, please Dad!" Kyle begged, his dad was a sucker for fads.
Kyle wandered into town, finding a bench across the road from the cinema to wait until he saw Stan and Brittany go in. Near the cinema entrance he saw what looked like a drug dealer and a prostitute, just staring at them provided enough amusement, as the security guard asked them to 'move along'. But they look not much older than me. Odd, especially that prostitute, so manly.
Stan picked Brittany up from her house before the made their way to the movies. Stan was starting to regret letting Brittany choose the film as he purchased two tickets for them to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Kyle, Cartman and Kenny were throughout the ticket line, and all took note of which cinema Stan went into, all buying tickets for the same movie.
"Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! What a queer!" Cartman laughed to Kenny who adjusted his bra. He felt naked without his parka, even though he practically was.
The three followers took their seats around the cinema, all a safe distance from Stan and Brittany, who were enjoying the trailers over a large bucket of pop corn. Stan felt slightly unsettled, like he knew something bad was going to happen. He didn't like it at all. But Brittany seemed happy, that was a plus, if only he could think of how he was going to tell her about the bet.
Kyle saw Stan lean closer to Brittany. He coughed with amazing emphasis, which luckily for him made Stan look up, he had pop corn in his hand. phew, he was only leaning over for pop corn.
Cartman saw Stan whisper something in Brittany's ear.
"Oi! This is a cinema! Keep it down!" Cartman yelled the few rows down to where Stan was, who looked around, Cartman pulled Kenny into a fake kiss to hide their faces. Phew, he stopped talking.
Stan's feeling of being watched was getting stronger. He needed fresh air before the movies started, and so excused himself to go to the bathroom.
Both Kyle and Cartman knew this was their opportunity to foil things.
Alright Kyle, you're just going to go down and 'run into' her, tell her not to tell Stan you're here, if she knows I'm here, she won't make any moves on him.
"Right, Kenny, in a second, I'm going to go down, and tell her I'm an undercover cop, and that's I'm here to bust Stan for drugs, and for her to make as little conversation with him as possible, as he is just trying to get hostages on his side."
"Drug dealers don't have hostages."
"They do now! This is gunna work perfectly." Cartman whispered.
This is all going to go over perfectly Thought Kyle.
Kyle rose from his seat, and made his was down to the girl a few rows ahead, and to the left, bustling past angry people.
"Brittany! Wouldn't expect to run into you here!"
"Kyle!"
The two engaged in short conversation, in which Kyle dropped many hints, although in the dark, he couldn't really pick up on the fact she was just getting slightly weirded out.
"Well, you know, I've read the book, and wanted to see the movie."
I have no idea what the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is about, I just know it's a book.
"I see... so have I."
He likes teen-girl drama/romance novels? I won't say anything, maybe he's gay.
"Kenny, who's that? Who's she talking to? I can't make it out."
"Kinda looks like Kyle."
"What? Damnit Kenny, you don't make a very good undercover cop. Why the hell would the Jew be here, I mean, he's gay, but seriously, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants."
Kenny rolled his eyes.
"Well, he's leaving, you can make your move now."
Cartman rose quickly, and disturbed more people as he bustled down to the girl.
"Excuse me ma'mm?" Cartman said, lowering his voice.
"Oh! Aren't you that fat kid from our class? Eric right?" Brittany said cheerily.
"Ay! I am a cop! And you will respect my authoritah!" Cartman said a little louder than what he would have liked.
"Cartman?" A familiar voice came from the end of the row. Stan was standing there, eyebrow raised, head tilted to one side.
Cartman immediately stood up straight.
"I swear to god Stan, say anything, I will kick you in the nuts!" Cartman chucked a miniature tantrum, receiving many shushes from the cinema.
"Say what?" Brittany asked as Stan made his way back to his seat shaking his head.
"She deserves to know Cartman, you can't mess with her like that, Brittany-"
Stan was cut off by Cartman whining. Stan grabbed Brittany's arm and pulled her from the cinema.
"Come on, I know you wanted to see a movie, but if he's here-" Stan froze.
Kyle stood in the door, arms outstretched stopping him from moving further.
"You're not going to take her Stan! I don't want to have to do fat asses homework, and-and I saw her first!" He pouted, more shushed coming from the cinema, as the movie itself started.
"Stan? Kyle? Cartman? What's going on?" Brittany blinked at all the boys.
"Cartman is using you in a bet to get Kyle to do all his homework for him, but both Kyle and Stan actually like you, so we all came here. Kyle to stop you getting close to Stan, and us to stop Stan from telling you about the bet." Kenny pipped up.
"And you are miss...?" Brittany asked politely.
"You know, Kenny! I sit next to fat ass."
Brittany's eyes widened.
"Alright, that's it, screw you guys, I'm going home!"
Brittany rose her hands, half in defeat, half in confusion and left the cinema leaving the four guys standing in the aisle, getting ushered out moments later.
"Why Kenny? Why the hell did you have to go and do that! God damn you poor piece of crap." Cartman punched the air in front of him.
"You guys should have seen yourselves! Someone had to put an end to this whole saga!"
Kyle and Stan looked at each other. Kenny was right.
"Yeah, when you think about it, Brittany was a bitch."
"Total bitch!"
"Agreed."
Stan and Kyle shook hands.
"Let's go get donuts." Kenny suggested. Cartman stopped whining
"Oooo donuts sounds sweet you guys."