A/N: Hello everyone! This is my first fanfic, and I decided to do a three-shot centered around the Sannin. I've always thought their story is one that should be told with greater detail in Naruto. It's a tragic story, and filled with angst, but it isn't what i really center around, so if you're not a fan of angst, I think you'll still find stories you like.

I. Jiraiya has never loved a woman

Or, at least, that's what he tells himself. Jiraiya thinks of his life as a string of sudden lights and darks. He's always tried to believe that there was less dark than light during his life. And if he ever, really, truly loved a woman, (and he doesn't love a woman, he doesn't) then it's just one more reason. Another reason shoved in his face that his life was a failure, if there weren't enough of one already (and Jiraiya wonders when he'll stop being a fucking optimist and just admit his story is no heroic tale, it's a tragedy, and nothing more or less).

Jiraiya doesn't want to live, never wanted to live, why would he, when every moment of his life is old and wasted and just has-beens. His best friend's (was he, Jiraiya wonders. Was he?) knife is still lodged deep within his back, agitating him, paining him. And yes, it hurts. It hurts like nothing else can, even after who-knew-how-many-years. It's his form of cancer; sometimes it goes away, for days and weeks and sometimes months. And then he hopes (hopes in spite of himself, he's not strong enough to kill hope yet) that it's healed, finally healed and over with. But then a fresh wave of pain crashes over him and he realizes it will never be over because it's not Orochimaru who lodged the stupid knife in so deep, it's him, his own foolish hand that did it, and it will never heal for as long as he lives and will still be his greatest regret as he dies.

Then, when he was shattered and empty and so bitter, he crossed paths with Minato. A genius among geniuses, and the son he never had. Jiraiya even believed that his story might have a happy ending yet. It seemed inevitable that Minato, Kushina, and their baby son would all somehow come together eventually; Kushina with her spitfire tomboyishness complemented Minato's calm, polite genius and their child was the perfect ending for their love story. But for all the inevitability and love and blessings in the world, it still all went to hell the instant Kyuubi was spotted, and once again, Jiraiya cursed fate, cursed the gods and found himself shattered and empty and bitter all over again.

All in all, Jiraiya's heart has already been taken, each portion claimed by different parties. He'd like to believe that there's a piece of his heart that belongs to him, and only him. Sometimes, in that strange place between sleep and wake, he thinks he knows, has always known. He's always known that his heart was never supposed to belong to him. And as Jiraiya dies, sinking through that water, he thinks of Sarutobi, of Minato, of Orochimaru, and then—

Tsunade. Her face crops up after Orochimaru. Jiraiya waited for that sharp taste in his mouth he expected to follow her name (the taste of failure, of being too weak), but it never came. Instead came a the gentle, but ever-corrosive feeling of regret. They are the survivors, maybe even the ones who should have died according to cold logic. Their relationship is strange and it runs deeper than either of them can see, but both of them stay on the surface. It is safer not to discuss the gaps in the conversation where other voices should have joined in.

Jiraiya has never loved a woman—not quite true, and not quite a lie. Sometimes he believes that there is more falsehood in that statement than truth. Maybe he loves Tsunade. It wouldn't be surprising, but Jiraiya isn't bothered about it at all. They're many things when they are together. The last of the Sannin. The pupils of the Sandaime. The most powerful shinobi in the village. Loyal teammates. Old friends.

Sometimes, he's foolish enough to try out other titles for their relationship. However it was created, he cares for her far too much. But Jiraiya knows that their path is clear and carved out already, and (he can do it, he knows he can) so Jiraiya deliberately turns his face from the wilderness that he wants to travel, and heads for the well-beaten track of tragedy.

A movie reel starts in his head, flashing by images that might have been. (Of all sad words of tongue or pen; the saddest are these: 'It might have been'...) He thinks to himself that whoever invented the red string was on crack, because Tsunade was certainly not the woman who he should have loved. (He sees Tsunade, stepping down from the Hokage's position and handing the symbolic hat to an adult Naruto.) In another universe, Tsunade would marry Dan, and Jiraiya would be the quirky teammate who stayed single forever. (Naruto is a father, holding a newborn child in his arms while he cries and laughs in a dysfunctional rhapsody.)

But then, Jiraiya thought, perhaps that stupid red string theory was the reason that he had never tried to deviate his path from the beaten trail. (Tsunade is by his side, as his Tsunade and not the Godaime, and she kisses his forehead just like he always wished she would, and here, he is her Dan.) Maybe he had known all along that too much of what they were made of was broken hearts and betraying teammates and being the only ones left. (And Jiraiya the Toad Sannin is old and withered and dying as he lies in a bed and Tsunade is there, sitting beside him while Naruto is speaking to him, his voice hoarse and cracking from a night of grief and loss and weariness.)

And he is dying, not quite the death he imagined or wanted, but he's dying and slowly regret and pain and darkness cease to matter, and all that's left in him is himself. He's relieved, in a strange way, to be dying. The world has taken from him in abundance, and he in turn has taken from the world. That was the fair trade, and once it was completed, it was his time to go. Jiraiya knows that Tsunade will cry alone, and the thought is almost more painful than he can stand. He wonders if she'll ever know that she was his last thought, then decides that it doesn't matter. But in any case, right before he dies, Jiraiya leaves one last thought to the world.

Love you, 'hime.

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