DIARY OF A SVEN
Chapter One - Of Fit Birds and Orang-utangs
-JukeboxLovechild
These are excerpts from Sven's diary, translated from the original Swedish/madperson into English, for your benefit. Sven is staying in England with family friends, the Robinsons, and going to Foxwood (in the year above the Barmy Army). James is the Robinsons' son, and not Gee's incestuous cousin.
The Gee Nicks books? I own them not. Sadly. Nor do I own Sven (again, sadly), Rosie, or any of the other characters you recognise in here. I do own the Robinsons, which is some consolation. Apologies to the Swedish, I'm sure you're all actually quite sane.
I hope you enjoy this, and find it somewhat amusing(ish).
Tuesday 1st December
9:00 pm
Third week in England. It's not bad here, although there is a distinct lack of reindeer. But on the upside, they do have groovy red phoneboxes.
Wednesday 2nd December
5:00 pm
Saw a "fit bird", as they say here in England. Turns out that this means a "good-looking girl", and not a muscular sparrow like I first thought. I saw her coming down the road when I was skipping in the front garden this afternoon. She went into the house next door.
5:15 pm
Wandered into the kitchen, where James was leaning on the bench, eating a sandwich. Told him that the bird next-door was fit. He agreed, but warned me that she was also "a bit bonkers". I asked him, in what way, and he just shrugged and went back to his sandwich.
5:30 pm
She seemed perfectly normal when I saw her. She was doing a perfectly normal orangutan impression (quite accurate, too, and very attractive), lolloping along with her arms trailing on the ground perfectly normally, and scratching under her arms in a perfectly normal fashion. Maybe it is James that is a bit bonkers.
Friday 4th December
6:00 pm
Found out from James that her name is Rosie. Rosie Mees.
I wonder if she goes for tall flare-clad Swedes?
A bit later
Who wouldn't?
Monday 7th December
4:30 pm
Walking down our street on the way home from Foxwood and the fit-bird-next-door (Rosie) came and spoke to me. I had no idea what she was saying, but didn't want to seem like a fool, so just nodded and went "oh jah, oh jah". She pointed at me, then at herself, and did a little dance. Huh? Still, I love a good dance, so I joined in.
4:45 pm
She said something about a Stiff Dylan.
4:48 pm
Went and found James and asked him what in the name of Thor's drinking horn a Stiff Dylan was. Apparently it's a local band, or something. They're performing this Saturday at some Christmas dance thing.
James said, "You're well in, mate."
4:50 pm
What?
5:00 pm
Ohhhhh, I get it.
5:02 pm
Doing a little jig of celebration.
Saturday 12th December
6:00 pm
Getting ready for the dance. Going with a Christmassy theme. Red flares, with tinsel around the hem. I haven't been this nervous since I auditioned for Billy Elliott.
6:01 pm
Still can't believe they turned me down.
Sunday 13th December
1:00 am
Excellent night! Rosie looked great. We met up with some friends of hers and went with them. When we got there, there was some guy who looked a bit like that singer from the Rolling Stones and seemed to think that he owned the dance floor. My competitive-reindeer spirit got the better of me. I pulled out a traditional Nordic routine which stopped him in his tracks, and in an inspired bit of ingenuity, lifted Rosie up and spun her around my head. Her friends had gone off by this time, which was a shame, because Nordic dances are better in a group, but we made do.
After a bit, the band stopped playing. Rolling Stones boy didn't seem to like that. He and his gang jumped on the stage and started to push the band around, and then some of the band's friends started to push back. At first I thought it was part of the entertainment, or some English dance ritual, but then all of the girls in the hall were screaming and people were running everywhere. It was chaos. Kind of like at the Beer Hall at home, when everyone's had a bit too much mead and get sick of singing old Viking ballads and start breaking gourds over each other's heads and tipping vats over.
I started to get into the swing of things, and grabbed the two boys nearest to me and threw them out a window. Rosie's friends disappeared in the melee, and the next thing I knew, Rosie was grabbing me by the hand and leading me out a back way. As we went off down the street, we heard sirens wailing behind us and blue and red lights flashing everywhere. You've got to hand it to the English, they know how to put on a show.
5:30 pm
Went next door and gave Rosie a bit of holly from the Robinsons' Christmas tree, which is what would-be suitors do in Sweden when trying to woo a lovely young reindeer-ess. I think she appreciated it.
Friday 25th December
1:00 pm
Christmas! Fashioned a lovely crown out of tinsel. Made one for Rosie, too. I'll take it over to hers later.
Saturday 15th April
3:25 pm
Ho hum, what is a lively young Swedish lad to do on such an afternoon?
4:00 pm
Been customising some flares. I think that sequins are a good look for me. I'm getting a new pair soon. They're musical. You press a button and they play Jingle Bells.
4:15 pm
Practising my moves. You know, compared to the rest of the house, my room is quite small. There's not enough space to swing a reindeer. How am I supposed to do the splits in such limited space?
4:17 pm
Going out to the kitchen to dance free and wild.
4:18 pm
Boogied my way down the hall. Tripped over the carpet and bashed my head on the door, but I like to think that it added a little something to my routine. Aside from pain.
4:25 pm
Dancing in the kitchen. I can see my reflection in the window. Can't believe they turned me down for Billy Eliott. They said I was a good dancer, but "too tall, and too mad". Pfft. That's been said about all of the great artistes of history.
4:40 pm
The maid walked in just as I was doing shimmy shoulders, shimmy shoulders, and giving the come-hither finger-beckon to a chair. She looked a bit surprised, and dropped her mop. What's the matter? Hasn't she ever seen a six-foot-four blonde Swedish dance prodigy in tye-dyed flares breaking it down in the kitchen before?
4:41 pm
Picked up the mop and danced with it for a bit. As far as partners go, it's got nothing on Rosie, but it'll do for now. Swung it around me head with a few cries of "oh ja, hit it!" (smashed the lightbulb, but I thought the falling glass looked pretty), and then for the finale, straddled and snogged it senseless (well, even more senseless than it already was, being a mop). Again, not as good as Rosie, but passable.
Finally, I took a bow, and gave the mop back to the maid. She still looked a bit stunned, so I gave her a reassuring kiss full on the mouth, and went back to my room.
Saturday 5th June
3:00 am
Just got home from a pyjama party at Georgia's house. Spent basically the entire time snogging Rosie. Was a little miffed to find out we missed out on watching Grease with the others (Hand Jive is my favourite) but Rosie is an excellent snogger, so not too miffed.