"Fear not death for the sooner we die, the longer we shall be immortal." ― Benjamin Franklin
Chapter One: Alex, The Bong, and La Push.
I'm going to die and I haven't even been kissed yet.
In what kind of fresh hell was that meant to be my fate?
Death isn't such a tragedy, I mean, I would have liked to get out of this small town, see places, meet new people, become a new person, and leave behind the old me, but isn't that what death's about? I mean, if you think about it, every time you go to sleep you die, a wise man named Mahatma Gandhi said that. Because when you die, you're reborn.
I could rattle on with a list of endless quotes about how death is the next great adventure, Peter Pan, etc, etc, but in all honesty, I'm angry. At myself. My senior year of high school and I've never gone to a real party, never been kissed, and I've never done drugs. Maybe...maybe if I had lived, really lived, not just breathed, then I wouldn't be so melodramatic about the whole situation.
The day my Mom was told, was the worst. I've always hated seeing her cry, its selfish, but she's supposed to be a super hero. Immortal, never dying, and supernaturally strong, but she wasn't in that moment. That's when I realized that, our parents, are the same as us, except they went down a different road, they took the hard one. They had us. So what does that mean? that everything hard in life eventually lead to something bigger? like fighting the boss level on a video game?
John Green was right, he was right about everything, and the things he wasn't right about, he was pretty damn close.
If you haven't noticed, I read, like, a lot. So I mean, I guess I've lived a lot of lives. But not enough, that's what we, as humans, do, we are greedy. Its in our nature. I'm not ashamed.
So that's what I'm going to do. Everything. This isn't The Lovely Bones, I don't have a magical last name, its Newton by the way, and its not An Imperial Affliction, I'm not going to end mid sentence. I simply will, because I can. My mother will hate it, my brother will be ashamed, and my father will have disowned me by the time its all over, but I'll be leaving a mark, and that's all one can hope to achieve.
Drugs, cliff diving, more drugs, sex, kissing, touching, party's. Nobody will like it but I'm going to do it.
The best thing about the whole situation, is I don't look the part. I'm this pale little thing, with smooth blonde hair, too wide blue eyes, and oversized sweaters. Everything about me screams Newton. In middle school's there were problems with people calling me Albino. Luckily I grew breasts, small ones at that, but breasts none the less, and everyone dropped it.
I wonder what people will think? what my mother will think? when they see me on the side of the Newton's shop smoking a bong? That's the proper term for it right? a bong? is a bong used for weed? a stupid question, but an honest one.
"MACK! YOU WANT A RIDE OR WHAT?"
Ah, the sound of all my gentlemen callers. As if. I snort and sling on my much too big messanger bag. That's Mike, my twin brother. And in case you're thinking it, yes, my parent's are so cliche, that they decided, as twins, are names had to start with the same letter. Mike and Mackenzie. Its milk curdling how often I'll have to use the word cliche if I'm going to be narrating the downward spiral I call my life.
"DONT GET YOUR PANTIES IN A TWIST, I'M COMIN', I'M COMIN', jeezus..." I mumble the last bit, slamming my bedroom door hard. I'm nervous. I shoudn't be, I mean, I already found someone to 'hook me up' as he called it. His name is Alex, he's the son of the deputy sheriff. He hangs out with all the pot heads.
As I come down the stairs, I can feel Mike's glare soften just looking at me. I roll my eyes. I'm dying, how did he expect me to look? strong, tan, happy? pfft. When have I ever been any of those things? Never.
He doesn't speak the rest of the ride to school, and when we pull into the parking lot, that's it, he's out of the car, and heading to his slut bag girlfriend, Jessica Stanley. She wasn't his first choice, no, his first choice had class. Isabella Swan, the most recently new girl. From the whispers I've heard, she's a do gooder, smart, literature loving, girl from Arizona. Or was it Pheonix? I could never care to remember. I wouldn't have minded as much if it had been her, but she turned him down, for another boy. I'll get to the other guy later.
From what I'd read on Wikihow, the first step to becoming a horrible high school dropout, which wasn't my inevitable goal, but I was dying, what did I care? anyway, the first step was ditching classes, up until the point where my mom is getting calls from the office, and being the precious little girl with a tumor, they'll probably ignore it for awhile, so I could pull the death card until they catch me with, as mentioned before, a bong. As mentioned before, John Green is always right, cancer perks.
You're probably wondering what exactly is wrong with me? the doctor's don't know. They say its a form of cancer they've never seen, at least, they think its a form of cancer. The only thing they know for sure, is that there's a tumor in my chest with a one way ticket towards my heart, which will eventually give out, and then all my organs will give out, and I'll slowly die from the inside out before finally passing on.
So, I suppose it counts as a cancer perk. But I could very likely be wrong.
Alex told me, via facebook, to meet him over behind the bleachers. Aka where the potheads hang out. I really shouldn't be so judgemental, as I'm going to meet him there. So that's where I head. I made sure to tell him that I've never done or read anything about drugs, other then the occasional don't do them, so he'd have to teach me everything. He said it was fine. I think it might be a cancer perk, but it sure is a weird one.
I see him and its weird, different from a facebook picture. He's actually tan and he has the most gorgeous sea foam colored eyes, not like my sickly kind of blue ones. I expected him to look like someone from the movie Grease, I was wrong. He's got this light shade of auburn brown color for hair. He's really cute, and I try to ignore the thought as I approach him.
My eyes stick to the large glass item in his hand. A bong. Its actually really pretty, a lilac color, that gets darker at the ends.
"Oi, Newton!" he has an accent. He must not be from here, which would explain why he's tan. I'd never thought about it.
I wipe the sweat off my hands and onto my baby blue jeans, giving him a shaky smile. On a scale from baby deer to Mufasa, how did I look right now? probably the baby deer. Nightmares, tumors, sweat, and death did that to you. Though that's a crappy excuse.
"Consider it a 'I'm about to die' present" Alex drawls tossing the glass item. I'm quick to catch it, thanking god for my hand eye coordination. My hands shake as I hold it and I shoot him a glare. "Thanks" its sour, but sincere.
"What, cat got your tongue?" he chuckles and I blush under his gaze, to which I'm practically slapped out of as he slings his arm around my shoulders, and pushes me towards the direction of the parking lot.
"Today is the first day of your death, congrats kid, you've only got eternity to go"
What have I gotten myself into?
I cannot believe this is happening. Alex and I had taken to sitting, quite openly, just an inch off of campus, so everyone can see us, in the back of his Toyota truck, doing drugs. I've missed first and second period, by now. And we'd gone onto the conversation of my death.
"So, why have you decided to do drugs now? What's gotten you off the saints tail, eh Newton? that's your label, by the way, perfect, little girl, christian."
I cock my head and narrow my eyes "I'm an Atheist" he looks so surprised he just about falls off the side of his car. I snort in amusement.
"Don't worry, nobody knows, can you imagine the stack of gold bricks my mother would shit if she heard me say that?" I can't help but giggle and the next thing I say is a whisper "sometimes, the holy water burns me!"
That's when I'm all tears and laughter. Because its a joke, something I haven't told in forever. Alex's eyes are wide and his mouth is open in an 'O'.
"My word, Newton, you've got quite the potty mouth on your hands!" he chastises, before taking another hit on the bong, which kind of cancels out the whole notion. "Nah, but really, why've you gone so wrong?" his next line is a coo, but I pretend not to notice.
"Because, I haven't done anything" I pull away and look around, making sure no one can hear me, and then I say the one thing I've never admitted out loud "I've never been kissed, never had sex, never been to a party, and I'm a senior on death road."
Now he's really staring, like I've grown a second head. I pull the bong out of his hands, which isn't hard, and I take a hit, as Alex had taught me at least an hour before.
"Now, my question for you. Why have you so generously agreed to take the day off to teach 'The Albin' how to be a bad girl?" I put air quotes around Albino.
"Oh yeah. I forgot about that nickname. Hey, are you really an Albino?"
"Not the point!"
"Who wouldn't do it? You offered me your innocence" his voice is a dangerous purr "I was given the chance to take you down sinners lane."
And then its quiet. I'm just kind of looking at him. He sighs loudly and pushes off from the side of the car, standing, and reaching for my hands. And then he's pulling me up. I furrow my brow and scrunch up my nose "what are you doing?"
"Giving you a hand, so shutup Newton, here's a little taste of hell" I feel like its all happening in freeze frames. He's reaching down for the bong. And then he inhales. And the next thing I know, is, his lips on mine. And the smoke twirling between our tongues. I inhale. He inhales. And its nothing like I expected.
I go over it again and again in my head. Even though I know it didn't mean anything. I can still feel my lips tingle and nothing else. After that, we went back to class, and now its P.E. Yay. Not.
There's a thud, and an ache in my head, and laughter follows. My anger spikes and I flip around, not even blinking before shouting at the culprit.
"Watch it dipdick!" its a hiss and it sounds like something Alex would say but then I realize who it is, and I should have known. Isabella Swan, town clutz. We were the only two seniors still in P.E, having failed the end of the year fitness test. I recoiled instantly.
"I am so sorry Bel-"
"NEWTON"
Just like that, Coach Clapp's hand is on my shoulder, and I'm being escorted to the principles office, a place I'd never been, except for picking up awards.
There is no doubt in my mind, that my mother will kill me. She will physically murder me, and hide my body in my locker. I've been suspended for two days. So that's what I'm doing now. Just chilling, waiting for school to end, and for Mom to realize just what I did. But I'm not still in the office, I'm far from it, I was not going to watch the clock tick when there were still three more hours in the day.
So here I am. La Push Beach, watching the waves crash. I'm sitting on a rock, that does hurt my ass, and its cold, but I can't find myself caring. And then I'm getting the bong out of my bag. And then I'm lighting it.
"I-Is that Mackenzie?"
"Mackenzie Newton?"
"It can't be"
"Is she doing drugs?"
"What the hell?"
I flip them the finger, not even bothering to look up at who it is. Probably a pack of teenage douche bags I'd never even met before, but according to my mother, everyone in Forks knew each other. I barely knew anyone. I think she meant that Everybody knew OF everybody. Because it wasn't like anything was said face to face.
"Mack!?" this time its a familiar shout and my head shoots up to see my only friend. Seth Clearwater. Or, well, he was my friend, he stopped hanging out with me a couple months before I was diagnosed.
He's shirtless and he's running towards me with a look of hurt. Like he should be the one hurt. Seth was the only friend I had, literally, do you know how nail tearing, scream inducingly, painful it was to sit alone every single day for three months, only to find out you're gonna die? lets just say very.
"Since when do you do drugs?"
And then he's crashing down on the sand in front of me. Not even flinching. Its not hard to fight the urge to smile.
"About that..." now I can't look him in the eyes "I've been meaning to talk to you..." that's when I shoot him a look, and then its his turn to stare at the ground.
"I've been diagnosed. Or well, kind of, they don't know what's wrong with me. Just that i'll die. Oh! that and there's a tumor in my chest" I made a path to my heart with my pointer finger "with a one way ticket towards death."
I take another hit off the bong, which is the only thing keeping me from breaking down into tears. And for the first time, I admitted it to myself. I was scared of death. I didn't want to die. Inhale.
"Since when do you hang with druggies, Seth?!" a snide comment echoes and then I'm off my feet. I barely feel myself moving. Just as I look up and raise my hand to punch him, our eyes meet.
And then he's staring. Like a puppy. He's large and buff, tan, like everyone on this part of Washington. I would punch him, I would, but its kind of freaky how long he's just kind of looking at me. Not even at me, exactly, more like, through me.
Its kind of blurry what happens next. There's shouting, Seth throws me behind him, onto the sand, and then the creepy large man and Seth are wolves. Fucking wolves. What's next is what really gets me. Sam, a kind of Mayor of La Push, sort of, comes forward with his posse and they too burst into dogs.
Finally, finally, I understand what everyone really means when they say
Inhale, Exhale.
Authors Note: Let me know what you think, I haven't wrote Twilight in forever, and this isn't really mean to be anything like Twilight. For one thing, the main character is dying, for another, there's going to be a lot of sex and drugs and triggers, and its Paul/OC. I've never been high, so I apologize if my logic for it isn't right. I just kind of wrote this for fun, but if you enjoyed it, be sure to leave me some feedback!
xoxo, iliana.