Timeline: During the timeskip.

Genre: Crack humor^^ Includes Orochimaru OOC.

Chapter 1: Orochimaru's True Motive

"Damned bitch turned me down again!" came the screech from Orochimaru's room.

Unsure if he had heard right, Kabuto ventured nervously into the dark, creepy chamber where Orochimaru sat on his bed.

"Are you all right, Orochimaru-sama?" asked Kabuto worriedly.

"No, I am not all right, you fucktard!" snapped Orochimaru. "That's the third time I asked that chick out, and the third time she ran away screaming for her mommy!"

The second part did not surprise Kabuto in the least, but the first part was shocking.

"Y-You have an interest in women, Orochimaru-sama?" asked Kabuto, eyebrows disappearing into his bangs.

"Of course I do!" said Orochimaru, annoyed at his subordinate's increasingly idiotic questions. "I'm male, and I'm straight, aren't I?"

Was he? Kabuto had no clue.

"But apparently, women have no interest in me," Orochimaru went on. "But that will change soon…" He paused to let out a deep, evil cackle. "When I have Sasuke-kun's body…"

"…What?" said Kabuto, jaw dropping.

"When I have Sasuke-kun's body," Orochimaru ranted on, mostly to himself, "then we'll see who's interested in whom! Women will flock to me like prepubescent girls and middle-aged women to Edward Cullen! They will blush and giggle around me, they will flirt with me, they will fight over me, and, oh, what bitch-fights there will be! They will tear each other's hair, claw each other's faces, rip each other's clothes… Ooooh, yes…"

Kabuto walked over to the wall and banged his head against it. Repeatedly.

"Stop that banging!" yelled Orochimaru. "You're giving me a migraine! And distracting my fantasies."

"But, Orochimaru-sama!" cried Kabuto desperately. "I thought you wanted Sasuke's youth and strength! His natural talent? His Uchiha abilities? His Sharingan?"

"His what?" said Orochimaru blankly.

"I thought you wanted his powers to fulfill your ambitions!" cried Kabuto. "World domination, remember!?"

"Huh? What? Oh…" Orochimaru suddenly remembered what his "ambitions" were supposed to be. "Oh, oh yeah, world domination. Uh, take over everything and rule over everyone. …Right."

Kabuto sighed. "I think you need rest, Orochimaru-sama. A lot of rest."

"Uh…huh…" said Orochimaru, furious that he had let slip his true motives.

"Now, I'm leaving before I go insane too," said Kabuto, stepping out of his lord's room and closing the door firmly behind him.

In the next room, Sasuke, who had been distracted from Chidori practice by his teacher's loud ranting, was shuddering in disgust and fuming with anger.

"As soon as I'm strong enough," muttered Sasuke to himself, "I'm gonna kill that perverted snake and get the fuck out of here…"

A/N: Is this the only straight, non-pedo Orochimaru in fandom, especially crack fandom? XD