A/N: So I realized that I write about a lot of depressing things: kidnapping, death, the apocalypse, war, alcoholism, and angsty one-sided romance, just to name a few. And since the world is quite a depressing place, I decided to write about something just a little more pleasant: financial ruin.
Yeah, so that's pretty terrible as well, but with Linebeck, at least it should be funny. Without further ado, I present to you this tale, full of jokes and humor to make your day a little brighter. I was actually replaying Phantom Hourglass recently and was reminded about how absolutely hilarious Linebeck's dialogue is.
The writing is rather light; that is, the descriptions aren't heavy so essentially it's just here for your enjoyment. So please do enjoy!
Dee Ess Island baked beneath the midday sun, the musty scent of clay and sweat settling deeply into middle of the island where the heat beat down relentlessly, with no shade to provide solace, nor ocean breeze to churn the static air.
Link stood on his toes, senses heightened with anticipation. The heat became irrelevant as victory seemed imminent and the timer beeped with completion.
"24.37 seconds!" Margoron, the game's creator, cried, extending his rock-plated arms heavenward and nodding incessantly, "Oooh, too bad! The record is 24.36 seconds. You still get a prize, though. Open one of the chests."
Link, his face sunken in with defeat and his face rosy red with anticipation and a particularly bad sunburn, hesitated not in opening the middle chest and removing its contents.
"Another Goron Amber," Link feigned enthusiasm through his gritted teeth, dropping the worthless stone among a pile of similar, useless prizes, "I'm thrilled."
"Wonderful, Goro-Link!" He clapped his colossal hands, "Would you like to try again? It's only fifty rupees!"
Eyeing the S.S. Linebeck in the distance, Link nodded solemnly. The ship, much to Linebeck's overwhelming joy, was entirely decked out in gold parts that they had collected, won, and salvaged over the course of the past few weeks. Except, of course, for the prow, which was currently an unfitting and hideous wooden stick. All that remained was that last part, and their ship would be complete- ornate and blindingly gold under the sun, the envy of the sea.
Though Linebeck was obviously giddy at the idea of a purely gold ship, Link found himself motivated to complete the ship as well. Bellum and Tetra could wait for now, at least, until their ship looked at least presentable. Link was a closet completionist.
"Again?" Gongoron panted as he staggered to his feet, hardly recovered from the last run-through of the obstacle course, "Didn't I do well last time, brother?" He gestured pathetically to the pile of rejected treasures.
Link shook his head gravely, "Not good enough, I'm afraid. Do you think you could shave a second off? For me?"
His face paling with nausea and a shudder running through his body as he gazed fearfully at the course, Gongoron nodded. "Haha, anything for you, brother. You did rescue me, after all."
"I know you can do it, Gongoron," Link deadpanned, slapping the required rupees in the palm of Margoron
The countdown began beeping, and Gongoron readied himself at the starting line, a look of dread washing over his face. The race began, and he tumbled down the path, picking up the crystals as he went, cutting corners and hurdling towards the eventual finish line.
Ciela, who had grown weary of floating overhead for the last three hours, spoke up from her perch on Link's head, "You know, Link, I don't see why we really need that golden prow. What if they don't even have it?"
"We won't find out unless we keep trying."
"Fair enough."
The scuffle of boots turned Link's attention away from the race and over to Linebeck's clumsy figure, cautiously clambering down into the perfectly cubic pit after having spent the last few hours repairing the ship. Earlier that day they had had a particularly nasty collision with Jolene's torpedoes, leaving the ship nearly totaled and Linebeck's mood soured.
"Hey, Linebeck," Link greeted with fleeting concern, and then regarded his captain irrelevant and returned to watching the race. Gongoron crashed into a wall and hesitated, effectively consuming two whole, precious seconds.
"Gods DAMMIT!" Link cried in frustration.
"So you haven't gotten the golden prow yet, huh?" Linebeck asked.
"No," Ciela answered lethargically, "We've won about a hundred Goron Ambers, though, and maybe forty five pearl necklaces and twenty Zora Scales, among other things."
"None of that's worth a red rupee," Linebeck commented as Gongoron crossed the finish line and dejectedly stumbled over to Link, who was practically steaming, "How does this work, anyway?"
"It's a race," Ciela explained, "Gongoron races around this obstacle course and depending on how good the time is, Link gets a prize."
Linebeck stroked his chin thoughtfully, "But how does Link control the time that Gongoron gets?"
"He can't, I suppose," Ciela admitted.
"So it's like gambling?"
"I guess."
Overcome at the prospect, Linebeck slapped a handful of rupees into the Goron's palm before Link could finish removing a pity prize from the chest on the right.
"Count me in!" He cried, "One round for Linebeck!"
"Not you, too," Ciela groaned in dismay.
"Hey, Kid! How'd you like to make a bet?"
Link dug around his wallet for a few rupees, "Huh?"
"We both put money down for a round, and whoever's time is worse has to scrub the barnacles off the hull." Linebeck eyed Gongoron pleadingly, but the young Goron showed no indication that he was influenced.
Link considered this for a moment, "Well, I guess since I'm the one who always scrapes the hull, it ought to be you for a change, Linebeck."
"That's what you think?" Linebeck taunted, "It's a good thing that Gongoron and I are great friends, then. He'll work extra hard for me."
Shaking and sweating, Gongoron ignored the comment and wobbled to the line where the countdown began for Link's round. He finished the course in a sluggish 25.06, having nearly missed two of the crystals and making a rather wide angle at the last turn.
Disappointed and sure of his loss, Link sulked while Linebeck rubbed his hands together with impending victory.
"Ready for the biggest race of your life?" Linebeck grinned, "While you're at it, try and break the record, okay?"
His small ponytail drenched with his own sweat and his dirt-covered muscles quivering, Gongoron displayed to Linebeck a rather rude hand gesture, "May the gods smite you in a million lifetimes, Linebeck."
"You're not the first one to say that, Kid."
Ciela slapped herself resoundingly in the face. "If the world ends because we spent all our precious time betting on how fast this kid can roll," She warned, "I'm blaming you guys."
"On your mark," Linebeck narrated the countdown, "Get set, gooooo!"
Gongoron hurdled quickly around the corners, collecting the crystals at an unmatched speed. Linebeck let out a premature victory whoop as Gongoron passed into the final section and Link, sensing the oncoming doom of manual labor, collapsed into a pathetic heap.
"Get ready for the taste of failure, Kid!" Bursting at the seams with excitement, Linebeck shook Link at the shoulders, anticipating the moment when Gongoron would cross the checkered finish line of glory. The clock ticked dangerously close to a record time, until, just as the young Goron neared the edge of victory, Gongoron stopped in his tracks for- literally- a split second.
"Burn in Hell, Linebeck!" Gongoron shouted, then crossed the finish line at exactly…
"25.06!" Margoron shouted, "It's a tie! But it's okay- you still get a prize! Go ahead, open a chest!"
But, surprisingly, Linebeck had no interest in the chest, "Gongoron!" Linebeck fumed, "How could you do this?! I thought we had a deal! We're friends! I was so close to winning!"
Gongoron, heaving with exhaustion, spat at Linebeck's feet, "I am uninterested in being your friend, you selfish man! And I'm tired of being your gambling monkey! I have been rolling this course for hours- I quit!"
"You cannot do that, brother," Margoron retorted, "It's in your contract." He removed a rather lengthy scroll from behind the table and displayed it to Gongoron. "See? No quitting." And at the bottom, scrawled inelegantly, was Gongoron's signature.
"Well, that's just great," Linebeck said with impassioned eagerness, "This isn't just about the golden prow anymore, Kid. We'll just have to try again, huh? Two more rounds, Margoron!"
Linebeck and Link began furiously searching within their wallets, each turning them over and shaking out the remaining contents on the table.
"Twenty one… twenty two…" Margoron sifted through the pile of loose change, "Twenty three. Sorry, brothers. Together, you only have twenty-three rupees. That does not even buy a single round."
"Oh, please forgive us," Linebeck said with forced courtesy, "We'll just go get the rupees we have on the ship." He turned abruptly to Link, "Go get our rupees, Kid."
"These are all our rupees, Linebeck," Link insisted, "I even emptied the swear jar."
Hesitantly, Linebeck glanced back at the ship, "Listen, Kid, I have a secret stash under my mattress. There're about three hundred rupees there that you can go get."
A sallow silence fell upon the trio as neither Link nor Ciela budged and the panic of an empty wallet settled into the air like a noxious gas.
"Funny story, Linebeck," Ciela began, leaping off of Link's head and landing on Linebeck's shoulder, "That secret stash wasn't exactly so much of a secret and it's um… already been spent."
"What!?" Linebeck cried dismally, "Kid, how could you?! That money was for- well, never mind what it was for, but I can't believe you would steal it from me!"
"But I guess it doesn't matter now, since you were going to spend it on this, anyway," Ciela offered.
Linebeck pushed her off his shoulder with a well-aimed swat, "Don't you tell me what does and doesn't matter, Sparkles!" He stabbed a finger at Margoron, "I blame you! If you would just give us the golden prow, we could've left hours ago and we wouldn't be bankrupt!"
"Golden prow?" Garmoron laughed haughtily, "Why would we have anything golden? We Gorons may have an enviable mine, but the only thing we produce is amber and rock, nothing more."
"Can we have a refund?" Listlessly, Ciela landed atop the table while, behind her, Link and Linebeck began collecting the remaining twenty-three rupees.
"Of course not!" Margoron proclaimed indignantly, "Are you not familiar with what we intend on doing with our profits?"
"Indulge me," Linebeck said vacantly.
"We're turning Dee Ess Island into an amusement park!" Gongoron declared, now fully recovered from his several hours of cardio, "How much have we earned today, Margoron?"
"Seven thousand, four hundred and sixty-two rupees."
"Yes!" Gongoron wiggled with excitement, "That is more than enough to begin building the park of our dreams! Soon, Dee Ess Island will be famous around the world! Gorons, Anouki and Hylians alike will flock to our resort and we'll be the wealthiest in all the Great Sea!"
Ciela swallowed the sense of painful doom that was gathering distastefully in her mouth, "We're… glad we could help you achieve your dream."
"No, we're not!" Linebeck shouted hysterically, "I'll get back at you for this, Gorons, if it's the last thing I do!
"Making threats is against park rules," Margoron snapped his fingers and two significantly burlier Gorons appeared from their camouflage in the rocky landscape, "Torogoron and Badogoron, please escort our guests to their ship."
"At least let us keep the treasure we won!" Linebeck pleaded.
"Dee Ess Island reserves the right to revoke all earnings at any time."
They took both Linebeck and Link forcefully by the arms, directing them away from the table and up a short flight of rock-stairs, before finally shoving them on the dock, Ciela fluttering anxiously behind.
"Thank you for playing at Dee Ess Island!" One of them said, "But all three of you are banned for life and may never set foot on this island again. Goodbye!"
Once inside the ship, Link sulked about and Linebeck nursed his bruised pride, but most importantly, they were abandoned in the middle of the southeastern sea with twenty-three rupees and a supply of ale that was probably more than what was legally allowed.
Ciela alternated between sitting and floating, deep in thought, while Leaf and Neri were set with the task of searching the ship for any more rupees that may have been missed in their initial search.
"We could become… no… or- no, that wouldn't work…" Ciela huffed in frustration, "Say, why do we need money to get the final Sacred Metal? Can't we just get the sea chart, go to the temple, and come back? It shouldn't require any large purchases."
Linebeck put a hand to his chest, genuinely aghast, "Without money? Come on, Sparkles, none of us are that resourceful! Kid, how many arrows do you have left?"
"None. I used them all at Romanos' Shooting Gallery."
"Bombs?"
"All used up."
"Potions?"
"Drank them in the last temple."
"Shield?"
"Eaten by a Like-Like."
Linebeck shook his head knowingly and shrugged, "See? We need to restock. If the kid goes into any temple like this he'd kick the bucket."
"Okay, you have a legitimate point," Ciela conceded, "Maybe if we… Oh! I know!" She fluttered about in excitement, "We could sell the golden ship parts and just use your old ones! These parts must be worth a fortune! I'm sure the Treasure Teller on Mercay would give us thousands of rupees for them!"
"No!" Linebeck wailed, "No, no, no, no! I bled and sweat for these ship parts and no one can take them away from me! You can sell them over my cold, dead, body."
"That can be arranged."
"You wanna say that again, Sparkles? I could use you as fishing bait!"
"Guys, guys!" Link scurried between them before the quarrel could turn rather obscene, "I have an idea, and it doesn't involve foolhardiness nor selling ship parts."
Interests piqued, Ciela and Linebeck turned to the young hero, "What?"
"Do either of you remember Harrow Island?"
Linebeck's furious expression fell into one of complete euphoria and he grabbed Link by the shoulders, this time nearly lifting him into the air, "Kid, you're a genius!" He dropped him, then hurriedly began fussing with the engine, "Grab your shovel, kid, we're going treasure hunting!"
Link recovered from his collision with the ground then joined Linebeck at the controls, plotting a course northward.
Evening was falling quickly, and with luck, they'd arrive at Harrow Island by morning, the sun rising omnisciently with fresh promise over a field littered with treasure and glory.
A/N: Thank you for reading chapter one! What do you think? Did you have similar experiences of mass spending at Dee Ess Island when you played it?
Also, Margoron, Tarogoron, and Badogoron are just made up Goron names.