Summary: Quinn diedin 'OMW' and Rachel's had a hard time dealing with it. She finds a way to change things but in order for it to work she has to make a huge sacrifice.
A/N: AU and you'll find some if not all characters a bit ooc.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Prologue
With music blaring from her Ipod ear buds, Rachel walked solemnly to her locker, opening it quickly without a glance to anyone who may of been in the hall. School had started for the day already, and Rachel was late. Her mind so occupied on something else- some one else that she had forgotten to get ready for school in time. She dragged her lethargic body to her car, forgoing a shower or to grab her homework. Life hadn't always been like this for her though. Being top in her class, captain of the Glee club, well that was the best part of her life. Also, when Quinn was alive and well. But ever since her car accident Rachel hadn't really cared much about priorities. It had been two months, fourteen days and eight hours since Quinn died on the way to her wedding and Rachel had never forgiven herself. So being late to class, not showering and leaving her homework behind? Not a very big deal in the grand scheme of things.
Today was going to be different though. She was actually going to join her friends at lunch. She told herself she had to do this. They deserved at least explanation as to why she was avoiding them lately. Not that it wasn't obvious. She and Finn were over. Had been for a while, ever since Quinn...ever since the accident. But she hadn't really talked to them about it yet. To Finn either. She actually just told him they were over and didn't pick up her phone for him when he called anymore. She knew she was making a mistake in marrying him when she said yes. But she wanted him to be happy. She loved him. At least that's what she thought until that day. Until the very breath was sucked from her lungs, and a ball of grief settled itself in the pit of her stomach. She had been in love with Quinn. Of course she was in love with Quinn. Who wasn't really? There was no way you could look at her, be in her presence without feeling that pull. Love. She denied it for so long, tricking herself into thinking it was this strange infatuation. No. It really wasn't. And until just a a few months ago she could go on with the rest of her life denying herself a mere glimpse of the truth. However she no longer could admit herself that luxury. Quinn was gone and so was every shred of happiness Rachel ever had. Heartbroken and in the deepest of despair she tried to trudge on. It was futile. Just like everything else in life. So with just one last glance at the contents of her locker she slammed it shut and turned to go to class, only to hear the bell for lunch. Sigh.
"Rach! Rachel!" Rachel turned to see Kurt hurrying her way, satchel swinging from his side. Rachel smiles tightly, stopping to allow the boy to catch up.
"Kurt." She greets him. He smiles at her, but there's something behind it that tells her he isn't as happy as he appears to be. Join the club, she thinks.
"Girl I thought you were a no-show today." He tells her breathlessly. She makes a mental note to remind him to do more cardio.
"I planned on coming earlier but I got caught up..." She starts, eyes glossing over momentarily. She blinks a few times and sighs, looking everywhere and nowhere at the same time. He arches an eyebrow at her, silently questioning her but she shrugs it off, starting for the cafeteria. He follows a step behind, looking curiously at her back. Feeling the stare, she cringes, but chooses to ignore him, instead deciding to change the subject.
"Have you seen Finn today?" she asks him. Kurt continues to stare at her briefly before snapping out of it and shaking his head in the negative.
"I mean, yeah for a moment this morning but he hasn't been in any of his classes." He admits.
"Oh." She says. To be honest she really didn't care. But she asked anyways. Kurt was his brother and her best friend so she thought it'd be the polite thing to do.
"Yeah," He starts, pausing to think of what to say next. "What exactly happened between you two anyways?" He asks. She shrugs but says nothing. They stop just outside the entrance of the cafeteria.
"I realized things. A lot of things actually. One being that Finn and I are...we are just ships passing by each other. We don't belong together, never have. He needs to find someone who will love him in every way possible." Rachel bites her lip, looking into the lunch room to watch a few students pass by. Kurt nods slightly, reaching out to touch her arm softly.
"And you're not that girl?" He asks her. His eyes sad and wise all at the same time. She shakes her head, her bottom lip trembling.
"No." Her voice shakes. She's not sad because of Finn, or the thought of loosing him. But the thought of the ship she could of been on. The one she would not let pass. Quinn. It had always been Quinn.
"Oh honey.." He holds her, patting her back soothingly. She whimpers into his shoulder, letting a few tears escape. They stand like that for a moment before letting go. Kurt still has a hold of her, anchoring her.
"You'll find that someone Rach. You have to believe that." He tells her. She smiles at him, but it doesn't reach her eyes.
"Yeah...maybe." Her voice soft and whisper like. She wipes at her eyes, sniffling.
"Let's go have lunch shall we?" She asks. He nods at her, nudging his elbow her way for her to take, which she does.
"We shall." He laughs.
When Rachel gets home that afternoon she goes straight to her bedroom, slamming the door closed. Both of her Fathers, whom are used to this side of their daughter lately, look at each other and roll their eyes. Once safely behind the closed door Rachel throws her back pack on her bed and goes to her closet. Reaching up behind a few boxes she pulls out a big, worn old book and sets it on her desk. Seating herself in her chair she sets forth in reading and re-reading the same notes she was caught up in this morning- the ones which made her late for school.
"Where are you...where are you?" She mumbles to herself, flipping page after page in the dusty book until she got to what she needed.
"Yes!" she exclaims, extracting seven sheets of old crumbled paper. They belonged to her great Aunt Mabel, her hand writing remarkably still eligible fifty years later. Rachel had found them tucked in between pages 123 and 124 from the book she had been given from her Aunts estate when they had sold her house. Great Aunt Mabel was still alive and kicking, however Rachel doubted how alive she really was, cooped up in the towns insane asylum.
Just a few days ago, however, those notes had been undiscovered, unread. But Rachel, having one of her days- the same kind of day she had been having over and over ever since Quinn's passing, woke a bit manic and lonely, her brain pulling herself in a million different directions. So she started to clean her room, starting with her closet. She needed to keep her mind occupied, busy. Not on Quinn. Not on the guilt she was feeling. No, she needed a break, some kind of change in her routine. And she found it in the old book, mid afternoon that day. Stuffed way up high, behind some old trophies she was too embaressed to show off. The book itself was useless, just some old nursery rhymes she had never actually heard of. Yet what was remarkable though were these notes. They were the kind of confusing yet fascinating all at the same time kind of notes that directed her entire attention, effectively taking her mind off of everything.
Great Aunt Mabel had written all of her thoughts down on these seven pages, cursing and jotting things down Rachel never even knew about the woman. Some things that even made her blush. Then, also, there was some things in them that made her question her sanity. Great Uncle Frank had been killed in a farming accident? Yes, she remembered that story. Mabel had gone nuts shortly thereafter. Her eyes scanned over the new things, where the notes under Mabels scribble had seemed excited, sloppy. Children?No, Uncle Frank and Aunt Mabel never had children. pg. 154 Of Sorrow and Sacrifice. Rachel had looked, there was no page 154. Full moon, bring coat, possible freezing temps. This though had not nearly enough interest to keep Rachel's, so she continued on, turning the page to read the last of the notes. This is where she had left off this morning, realizing the time and stuffing the papers back in where she had found them. She quickly looked over the words she h?ad previously read, grinning at some and cringing at others. When she comes to the page she left unread she pauses, looking at the time. 4:54 pm. Supper wouldn't be ready for another hour. She sighed, finding these notes were the highlight of her week. Imagining all the things her Aunt had gone through, and sharing in some of the grief the older woman wrote about... it was better than homework, Rachel muses.
"It didn't work. My beloved is gone forever. How do I move on from here?" Rachel reads aloud from the last page. Rachel's brow furrows and she reads it again. It didn't work.
"What didn't work Mabel? You old coot." Scanning the page once more she see's 'Of Sorrow and Sacrifice' referenced again. This time at the public library. Rachel does the math. There's no way it's still there, she thinks. "or maybe..." Rachel gets up from her chair and opens her bedroom door, sticking her head out into the hallway.
"Papa!" She yells. The sound of clanking dishes, followed by a choice curse word greet her. She smirks slightly, she always kind of enjoyed it when her Papa cursed.
"What!?" He yells back to her. She pauses, looking back at the book and notes on her desk. She sighs and yells back at him.
"Do you think the public library still has a book from..." She looks down to the last note in her hand, the date says 'October 21st, 1962'.
"1962?" she finishes. There's a moment of silence and then her Papa's voice is closer than she would like.
"Why are you shouting?" He asks her. He's wiping his hands on a dish towel, drying them. His eyes make contact with the paper in her hand and he makes a move to grab it. She notices though, and takes step back out of his reach.
"I didn't want to come down stairs." she tells him simply. He looks at her concernedly, his eyes wandering her face, waiting for clarification. When it doesn't come he sighs heavily. "I suppose they still would. Look in the local historical section." he finally tells her. She nods in thanks, turning to leave but his hand on her arm stops her.
"This is not like you Rachel. You've missed school," She looks away guiltily, and he continues. "You stay locked up in your room all night and now you're hiding things? Yelling down the stairs like your invalid?" he gestures to the stairs and to the paper in her hand, hidden behind her back. She looks up at his sad face and bites her lip.
"I'm sorry." she says. He nods, but stays in place. It makes her anxious, so she decides just to show him what was in her hand. He takes it from her when she holds it up for him to see.
"What's this?" he asks. She smiles a bit.
"I found it in Great Aunt Mabel's book she gave me." She tells him. He looks it over, front to back and frowns.
"It's all so messy, how can you read this?" He laughs. She shrugs, but secretly feels proud.
"Takes a nut to know a nut I suppose." she jokes. He glares at her, making it clear it wasn't appropriate.
"You're not a nut Rach." He says. She smiles timidly, almost placating the older man.
"Yeah..." she whispers. He hands her back the paper, which she in return tucks into her pocket.
"Listen honey, I know these past few months have been hard. Hell they've been hard on all of-" She blocks him out then, staring at the wall behind his head. She's heard this all before, but no one understands. No one could understand. Not now, not ever.
"Okay Papa." She agrees, not really knowing what he asked her to do but his sentence ended in that question like punctuation and really there was so much she could take of his speeches lately. He looks satisfied though and pats her on the shoulder, turning to go back down the stairs. She sighs in relief and heads back to her room to get her things. The library was still open and if she hurried she'd make it there just in time to check the book out.
She was directed to a small section in the back room of the library. It was dark, only one lamp and a tiny window lit the place. Her Papa was right, they held all books over twenty years old in the local historical section, and she thanked the Higher Powers that she had the privacy she so desperately needed. It wasn't that she felt uncomfortable looking at the material she was searching for, but it seemed that every adult in this town knew about Quinn and how she died on the way to Rachel'd wedding. That knowledge came with talk, and looks. God, the looks.Their eyes held such pity it made her stomach curl in disgust. Pity, ha. Rachel thought bitterly. Have pity on yourselves.
It wasn't hard to find 'Of Sorrow and Sacrifice'. It was in the little section labeled 'fiction'. It was small in size, and held maybe 178 pages, if that, in larger print. There was an intracant design of rosary beads and a sparrow on the front cover. It intrigued Rachel that the bird was in place of the cross, and she fingered the design softly. The color of the book was fading, giving an appearance of an off orange that had once been a hard red. She flipped teh book a few times, inspecting the neck and bindings. It seemed to be in decent enough shape to open, so she did. The first thing she noticed was-again- the sparrow on rosary beads. The large print from the cover was no longer, it was replaced with smaller writing. That is, for the cover page. There was no table of contents, just went directly to the same sort of nursery rhymes that were held in the book Rachel had at home. Frowning, she read the first two. They seemed rhythmic enough to understand, but there was a randomness to it that made Rachel wonder why this book was published in the first place. She found a place to sit on the floor by the window, using it's natural light to help her see. Her back placed against the 'non-fiction' section. Fifteen minutes passed and Rachel had seemed to have gotten lost in the book. Page after page of rhymes. Non of them making sense but perfectly understandable at the same time. Weird. There was one that had a funny way about it and she found herself singing it out loud.
"For light, for this hour, may we find the power, to see each other!" Rachel finds herself laughing, almost shouting the words into the empty room. But it is cut short when all of a sudden the lights above flicker to life, startling her.
"...the fuck?" she looks up at the light, squinting. Her eyebrows furrow in confusion. Those lights have never worked. Ever. For as long as she had lived in Lima. Suddenly a voice comes from just outside the door frame making her jump.
" I see the lights are working now." An old woman smiles brightly at her. Her glasses hang from a chain around her neck, swishing back and forth as she walks into the room. Rachel bolts upwards, stuffing the book in her back pocket.
"Yeah...would you imagine that?" She hurries to gather her stuff before the woman says her anything else, but its futile.
"Did you find what you needed dear?" the old woman asks her. Rachel nods dumbly, turning so she could back out of the door.
"I did. Thank you." she says and leaves without so much a glance behind her.
Just as Rachel was making her way home for a supper that was surely cold by now, a thought had occurred to her. Quinn. She hadn't visited Quinn in a day or two and it made her feel guilty. She was alone, Quinn. And it bothered Rachel deeply. So she made a detour, turning down the street to the vast Lima cemetery just a block from the library itself. She took a few deep breaths, mustering enough courage to step through the wrought iron gates. She finds the grave easily, having been there so much she could do it blind folded, and settles herself next to the blondes headstone, facing it with a sad smile.
"Hi Quinn." she touches the stone softly, frowning at the coolness of the surfaced rock. How cold Quinn must be, she thinks sadly. She tilts her head up, breathing deep, her eyes closing momentarily. It's quiet moments like this when she can feel the blonde the most. It makes her heart ache and her swell all at once. She wasn't alone in this moment, neither of them.
"I missed you today." she tells her. Her eyes roaming over the stone, reading Quinns name over and over. It was one thing she did almost religiously, reading Quinns name. As if she looked away maybe it'd be some other girls name there in place of the blondes. She takes another breath, only to feel her back twing slightly, reminding her that she still had the book in her pocket. Moving one cheek up, she pulls it out, flipping it over to stare at the cover again.
"I found some notes from my Great Aunt Mabel the other day. She was pretty nuts." Rachel continues talking, laughing a bit at the obscurity of it all.
"Then today at the library...did you know the lights work now? Weird, right?" She opens the book, flipping through the pages. She's not looking for anything in particular, but when she gets to page 150 she remembers something important.
"Oh!" She says excitedly, turning the last few pages until page 154 is staring right up at her. She pauses a moment, noticing that the page looks a lot different then the others.
"Of Sorrow and Sacrifice..." she murmurs, scanning the rest of the page. There's a small inscription that describes how the 'caster' must 'sacrifice the most important piece' and 'only to work on a full moon'. She scrunches her face in confusion, what was this book her Aunt lead her to?
"Ms.?" A tinkling voice interrupts her reading, jumping her, again for the second time that night. She turns to get up, her mind immediately telling her she was in trouble, but stops when the person sits next to her.
"Sorry Rachel, I thought you were someone else." Judy Fabray smiles at her. It unnerves Rachel for a second, but she recovers quickly. Judy knew who she was and why she was here, there was no surprise there. At least there shouldn't of been.
"Good evening Judy." Rachel greets her, blushing. Judy smirks at her, giving her own greeting as well. They sit in silence for a few minutes then Judy speaks again.
"What is it that you were reading to her?" the older woman asks, gesturing to the book in Rachels hand. Rachel looks down at the book blankly, then back at Judy.
"To be honest I'm not quite sure." She admits. Judy takes the book from her, looking it over. She frowns, opening the book, reading the exact page Rachel had let off on.
"I know this book." She tells the brunette. Raising her eyebrows in surprise, Rachel waits for Judy to continue.
"My Grandmother had this same one when I was a child..." Something in Judy's eyes change for a moment and Rachel feels as though the trip down memory lane isn't as pleasant as she would of thought it would be.
"She used to use 'spells' like these all the time. Never this one though," Judy lifts the book up, her fingers holding it open to the page with 'Of Sorrow and Sacrifice' on it.
"Spells?" Rachel croaks, her voice gone dry. So many thoughts race through her mind at once. The notes from her Aunt, every scribble about something working or not working, and how horrible she felt reading of the woman's anguish. Then there was the light in the library...
"Mmhmm." Judy hums, looking at the page again. And with her attention taken with the book, Rachel uses this time to think. That one particular 'spell' seemed to be about bringing something back- someone back. Could it be true? Could Quinn...
"But she never did the last one?" She asks carefully. Judy looks at the small girl, an unasked question in her eyes, but its gone quickly.
"For heaven sakes, no. That would be..." Judy hands the book back to Rachel, taking a deep breath.
"It's all a bunch of old hoopla anyways. Don't pay mind to it. Speaking of which...what are you doing with this anyways?" Rachel blushes, turning her face away from the older woman.
"I...I came across it in the library, thought Quinn might like it." She lies. Judy looks at her and then nods. Rachel sighs in relief, looking at the grass surrounding her.
"Quinn loved to read. Hell...she'd read anything she could get her hands on. She was so smart. Straight A student, top of her class..." Judy drifts off, that look in her eyes back with full force. Rachel feels that all too familiar bump in her throat and she tries to swallow it down.
"She was headed for greatness." Rachel almost whispers, not truly trusting her voice. Judy lets out a soft cry.
"She was greatness." Judy amends, and Rachel can only nod in agreement. They sit together silently for almost an hour before Judy gets up to leave. Rachel stops her though, calling out into the darkness that had surrounded them while they grieved.
"I get the 'Sorrow' part, but what about 'Sacrifice'?" Rachel asks, defying Judy's wishes boldly. She did not want to 'pay it no mind'. In fact it was in the forefront of her mind all night.
"It...it's complicated Rachel." Judy tells her. Rachel groans, pleading with her silently to tell her anyways. Judy complies.
"In order to over come Sorrow... you must be able to Sacrifice your greatest desires. Give up a dream, if you will." The older woman tells her. Rachel takes this in, thinking hard.
"Like Broadway?" Rachel asks softly, almost shy. Judy studies her for a moment, her chin trembling. Rachel feels something then, like Judy actually could understand what she felt. Like their pain matched slice for slice. Poor Judy suffered more than she did, and that was saying something..
"Exactly." Judy tells her, and Rachel sucks in a chunk of air. Sacrificing something that big would be something Rachel never would of dreamed of. But with Quinn gone, her dreams were a waste anyways.
"G-goodnight Judy." Rachel stutters. Judy tilts her head, looking down at her shoes.
"Goodnight Rachel. And please, go home. It's a full moon out tonight, you know that only attracts crazy people." With that Judy walks away, leaving Rachel alone with Quinn, the book and moonlight.
"Do you think she was talking about me when she mentioned crazy people?" She asks Quinn, imagining the blonde laughing, nodding her head teasingly. She grabs the book again and turns it back to page 154. If she could do this...if she could get this to work...
"I'd have you back. But no Broadway. And Nyada..." She shutters.
"It'd all be gone, but you'd be here. You'd be here and the pain in my chest I feel everyday would be gone." Rachel places the book down in front of her, reaching forward to graze Quinns headstone with her hand.
"It'd be worth it. Even if you hated me...you would be worth it. I'm just so sorry I didn't see it before.." Rachel starts to cry then, and just liek all the times before, curls up next to where she would imagine Quinn would be.
"It's all my fault. All the pain our friends feel, your family? My God...if I had just said no. If I would of listened to you before. I'm so sorry Quinn. I'm just so so sorry..." Sobs break from her chest and she heaves painfully. Her heart couldn't take it anymore, her mind. If this book could help, if it could possibly bring her back, she'd do it. She'd give it all up.
"I love you Quinn. I loved you for so long but I was too scared to admit it. And now everything is screwed up." She sits up, a bit sideways, and looks at Quinns name again.
"I'm going to try and ix this. I promise." She stands, wiping her face with one hand, book in the other.
"It's a full moon tonight so maybe I can." She is more-so talking to herself now then the blonde. She reads and re-reads the small 'spell' in her head and prepares to say it out loud.
"I need to Sacrifice something, and I choose Nyada. I chose Broadway and my dreams of making it big." She nods once and closes her eyes, hoping that was the way she was supposed to do it. Praying to anyone who was possibly listening she starts to say the spell out loud.
"Of time and space, Sacrifice and Sorrow, give me another chance, a chance of tomorrow." She shuts her eyes tight, not daring to open them. When only silence greets her she opens them, scowling. She loks at the page again, and thinks hard. She had seen 'witches' do 'spells' on t.v. before and it always looked so easy...
"Oh!" She drops the book and shoves her hand in her front pocket, pulling out an envelope. Then reaches into her other back pocket, the one that didn't hold the book from before and pull sout a lighter. She looks sheepishly in the graves direction and thinks don't ask. Having memorized the rhyme already, it frees her hands from the book so she could chant and burn the envelope at the same time.
"This is my acceptance letter. I keep it with me..I mean...I didn't want to show anyone yet because I wasn't really ready to celebrate but...I mean..it don't matter anymore now right? Well...Jesus, how does this work anyways?" Huffing slightly she waves her hands in the air, cursing.
"I'm off track, I'm sorry. Okay, here we go." She holds the letter up and lights it, squinting.
"Of time and space, Sacrifice and Sorrow, give me another chance, a chance of tomorrow!" Again, nothing. The envelope lies half burnt at her feet, and the same feeling she had when she got the call Quinn was in an accident comes back in full force. She's gone. She's really and truly gone. Tears form in her eyes and she collapses on the ground, covering her face with her hands sobbing.
"Rach?" A very male voice sounds. She cries harder, upset she's being interrupted again.
"Rachel?" They ask again. This time Rachel is pissed and looks up angrily.
"What!?" She yells in frustration, glaring up in the direction of the voice. Finn is staring back at her wide-eyed, his hand outstretched with a ring in it.
"Well I was kind of wondering if you'd marry me?" He says, a bit warily. Rachel gets up, drying her eyes.
"What?" She repeats, this time softer than before. Her mind racing, thinking of all the things that could actually be happening right now, instead of this. Stroke, coma, bad dream... Then it occurs to her.
"It worked..." She says breathlessly, passing out.