My sense of humor is so mature.

When I wrote this I didn't intentionally put any pairings in it, but looking back over it I guess it can be taken as anything. I didn't manage any KakaNaru though, sorry.

Prompt: Boobies.

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Kakashi, through the years, had heard his kids talk about some really weird shit. They were kids, things like sex and other miscellaneous forbidden subjects were bound to seem like novelty conversation starters. Kakashi himself couldn't even remember how many times he and his own team had brought up genitalia debates.

But seriously. They were seventeen. It was way past time they got out of the 'sex-is-hilarious' phase.

Sasuke looked about ten seconds away from shoving the scroll they were delivering for some old merchant up Naruto's ass. Naruto, of course, was unphased as ever, and went on merrily as if he wasn't in danger. "C'mon Sasuke...I know you look at them, even if no one notices. Unless, you're, y'know, a homo, but I think you would have jumped me by now if you were, and..." He trailed off thoughtfully. "Well, actually, you do end up on top of me a lot when we spar. I probably wouldn't even notice if you got a little extra gropage in..."

"Fuck. You." Sasuke's tone was level and composed; he could have been greeting a little old lady in the street.

"It's too late for that, you missed the date by about three years. And stop changing the subject. I'm like, ninety percent sure you have a dick, so you can stop pretending you don't. I'm not buying it."

Sakura, who had been pretending to ignore them up until this point, turned to stare incredulously. "Naruto, shut up."

"Hey! He's the one avoiding the question!"

"No, you're the one harassing him! Stop it!"

Naruto sighed.

And as soon as she turned away, he leaned in conspiratorially towards Sasuke and hissed in his ear. "So seriously, what gets you going?"

Roughly a second later Naruto was picking himself out of a boy-shaped hole in a splintered tree trunk. Kakashi frankly thought he had gotten off easy. He had seen Sakura completely decimate bigger, stronger men.

Naruto flopped onto the ground, moaning. "You broke my ribs!"

"Yeah, like you didn't deserve it."

"There did seem to be a lot of intentional provocation," Kakashi commented mildly.

"Just heal him so we can keep moving." Sasuke didn't thank her, no one had expected him to, but his voice held a definite note of amusement in it.

Sakura was unusually gentle, probably feeling guilty. She even let him hug her when she was done. They returned to where Sasuke and Kakashi were waiting, and they began to walk back down the weed-infested road. Naruto, after making sure Kakashi was between himself and Sakura, slung an arm around Sasuke's shoulders. "Come on...you can tell me."

There was the distinct sound of Sakura's knuckles cracking. "Naruto..."

"Sakura, we can't afford to lose any more time. Naruto, I'm sure Sasuke's taste in breasts is a fascinating and unexplored subject, but it isn't relevant to the mission. Knock it off."

Naruto pouted, but was quick to find a loophole. "What kind do you like, Kakashi-sensei?

Kakashi sighed. "I'm gay."

Sakura, to his surprise, turned on him. "You are not."

"Oh, I digress, I am. Have you ever wondered why I wear a mask? When I was a young boy a resident homophobe horribly disfigured my face. My parents weren't happy."

Sasuke, to his irritation, turned on him, too. "How old do you think we are?"

Naruto abandoned Kakashi as a lost cause and turned to Sakura instead. "Sakura-chan, am I the only heterosexual on this team? How am I supposed to compare opinions if none of the other guys will share? What do they expect me to do, ask you what you think?"

She stared stonily back. "How do you know I'm not gay?"

There was a pause while the men all considered this. "Are you, Sakura?" Kakashi asked delicately.

"...no," she admitted.

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. Even Sasuke had looked vaguely worried. Naruto seemed to realize he had been successfully sidetracked, and pounced back onto the topic. "Sasuke. Boobies. You like them? All you have to do is nod yes or no."

Sasuke threw him a furious look. "I am not discussing this with you."

"I'll tell you what I like," Naruto offered.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "We already know what you like. The bigger the better."

Naruto looked scandalized. "That's not true! Well, I guess it is in general, but there are exceptions! I mean, as long as they were attached to you, I'd take small boobs any day."

Sakura sputtered and turned bright red, not seeming to know how to reply. "Are you calling me flat?" She ended up demanding.

"No, he's just saying you're small," Sasuke said, probably thinking this was comforting information.

"You'll never have back problems," Kakashi offered kindly.

She stared at them like she thought she was the last female on Earth.

"What is so interesting about them?" She burst out. "I mean, really! They're just sacks of fat, flopping around whenever you try to run! They're just...they're just there!"

"And squishy," Naruto put in. Kakashi hummed a noncommital sound of agreement.

"I'm serious!" She said, as if he hadn't interrupted. By this time she was so embarrassed her face looked like it might explode, sending little bits of Sakura flying through the air. "Do I constantly obsess over penises? Do I?"

Sasuke started coughing violently. Naruto, however, just looked at her quizzically.

"So...how big do you like them, Sakura-chan?"

"I wouldn't know!"

"Oh my God! You're a virgin!"

Sasuke might even hack up some blood, at the rate he was going.

"You should have told me! Don't worry Sakura-chan, I'll make sure your first time is amazing."

"Naruto!"

"Will you stop it?" Sasuke snarled.

"Yes, Naruto, have mercy on Sasuke's lungs..."

"Nothing would have been started if you had just answered my question in the first place," Naruto said condescendingly, as if this were obvious.

Sasuke's jaw flexed involuntarily, and Kakashi could tell he was debating whether or not to give in. Sakura had fallen quiet, and suddenly seemed to be paying much more attention.

"...perky."

Naruto leaned closer. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

Sasuke closed his eyes. "I like them perky," he muttered through gritted teeth.

Kakashi stared straight ahead. Well, okay then!

"Really?" Sakura asked curiously. Sasuke glared at her, and she smiled ruefully. "I just always took you as a...traditional kind of guy."

Naruto raised his eyebrows. "You wanted to know. Admit it."

"Not enough to ask him..."

Sasuke stared at them. "How the hell long have you two been wondering about my breast preferences?"

The three of them fell into squabbling, and Kakashi sped up his pace until he was a little ways ahead of him.

They delivered the scroll safely, and Kakashi learned more about his students' sex lives than he had ever wanted to know.