Life Without Light
A/N: This covers one of the neutral runs, since I'm always curious about those timelines. I'm planning on covering other neutral runs, but in this one every major character except Sans and Toriel are dead. My beta is dream space angel, thanks for proofreading this. Thanks for reading, please review.
Sans sat on the stairs, head in hands. Behind him, the large golden hall gaped. Just a few minutes ago, he had faced down that child and judged them. And yet, despite everything they had done, despite everyone they had killed, he let them go. Sans was used to feeling numb about almost everything, but the kid made anger burn in his chest. But how could he kill them, not since both Papyrus and the lady behind the door's dying wish was for them to be safe. The two of them were too nice for their own good.
Anyways, the kid was gone. If they were lucky at all, Asgore would kill them, take their soul, and break the barrier. Not like the sun mattered much without Papyrus. For all he knew, the kid could've reset a dozen times since he had left them in that hallway.
Sans pulled out a battered notebook. It was stained and crumpled, and looked much older than the linear time it had seen. Sans flipped through to near the end, past graphs and data tables, past dozens of entries written in his strange shorthand. The pain of loss was still numb to Sans, but out of habit he picked up a pen and wrote. This pain was not new, according to the many journal entries, but it was the first time he felt it outside of nightmares.
The kid, the time anomaly, had reset many times. The notebook in Sans' hand was the only solid proof, aside from constant nightmares and a persistent sense of déjà vu. The records showed the many timelines the kid had orchestrated, all the different paths they took. This was the first time he had judged them, though. Sans faintly wondered if the kid would reset that too. Would he change his judgement? Probably not, he hadn't changed anything else, not even when Paps was struck down again and again.
Guilt stabbed at Sans. He hunched over and dropped the notebook. It clattered down the steps. A sudden maelstrom of negative thoughts assaulted Sans' mind. He didn't have a single excuse, not a real one.
"Hello. I do believe this is yours?" A familiar voice spoke. It cut through his thoughts. Immediately, Sans plastered on his normal grin and adopted his casual attitude. A goat-like boss monster held out Sans's notebook. Sans took it carefully and tucked it away.
"Hey. Have we met before?" Her voice was so familiar, but it might just be the echoes of other timelines.
"I was just thinking that. You don't happen to have seen any children around here?" The monster abruptly switched the topic. She looked behind Sans at the long hallway. Suddenly, Sans felt somewhat relieved he hadn't fought the kid. Blood and corpses would be hard to explain.
"Heh, you've goat to be kidding me." Sans rubbed the back of his skull. The monster refocused her attention on him.
"Wait a moment, that voice, those jokes, are you not the monster on the other side of the door?" She asked.
"Oh." She wasn't dead after all. "I am. Guess we've never introduced ourselves. I'm Sans. Sans the skeleton." Sans held out a hand and tried to ignore how familiar the introduction felt.
"Oh, my. It's very nice to meet you, Sans." She took his hand. "I am Toriel."
Of course Sans had heard about the former queen. Who hadn't? Most had forgotten that bit of trivia, but it did make sense, considering the type of monster Asgore was. Sans repressed any signs of surprise. After the last few days, a reveal like this didn't have that much of an impact.
Toriel began to walk up the small staircase. Really, stairs weren't really necessary. All the height of the castle came from the long elevators, but there was something about stairs that made a place look good and official. "Sans, you watched over the child, ask I asked you?"
Jeez. Now he was really glad he hadn't fought the kid. They might still be fighting Asgore, however, and if he let Toriel walk into that, she'd probably get killed without a fight. Sans couldn't let that happen. He was dangerously low on friends and family.
"Course, Tori. I watched the kid pass through here myself, safe and sound. Wasn't a scratch on them." It was the truth. Not the full truth, but he was used to these little white lies that helped people live easier.
Toriel gave him a warm, genuine smile. "Thank you so much." She continued walking down the hall. Sans followed, dragging his feet. She talked more. "I was going to let the child complete their journey on their own, but I realized how unfair it is to force a child to take a life for their freedom." She said more on the subject, but Sans wasn't paying as much attention as he knew he should have. This monster clearly had a completely different view on the kid, clearly cared for them. "Oh, I do hope I am not too late." She picked up the pace.
They passed by closed doors and open windows and came to a garden. Toriel faltered and almost stopped when she saw the flowers. But she gathered some strength and made her way through, careful to not step on any vines.
The barrier always sheds a cool grey light over everything, even on the brightest summer day, but on this afternoon, the white and grey on the floor couldn't be blamed on that. A large pile of dust lay before the glasslike barrier. Small swirls of dust were picked up by the draft. A heavy cloak, armor, and crown lay abandoned. The human was long gone.
Sans hung back and apathetically looked at the scene. Yes, it was horrible, but after seeing so many similar sights the last few days, it was hardly shocking.
Toriel, however, was greatly affected. She dropped to her knees and brought a shaking hand to her mouth. Tears collected in her eyes and fell. It was unclear whether they were for her ex-husband or the child.
Sans stood behind awkwardly. The most disturbing thing about this scene wasn't the king's remains, but the absence of the kid. They might still be in the Underground. Where else could they have gone? Maybe they did manage to get through the barrier after all. After everything's that's happened, it wouldn't surprise Sans.
That didn't matter right now. What mattered now was Toriel. She was the last thing Sans had, the last chance he had to make things right, even if just a little bit.
It took some time before Toriel composed herself enough to notice Sans was still there. She gave a broken little laugh. "Isn't it funny? After all this time, and I still can't save a single soul." She sounded so devastated Sans felt he had to say something.
"Uh, Tori, the kid, it looks like the kid made it out okay. They must've gotten through the barrier somehow, if they're not here." The words were bitter in his mouth, offering the hope that the creature that killed his brother and countless others was still alive.
It worked, a little. "Thank you, Sans. It's nice to think of them reunited with their family." It took all of his willpower to agree. Toriel stood up. "I must address my kingdom. It is time I returned as queen." She composed herself.
As she heavily walked away from the barrier, Sans trailed behind. "Hey, Tori, just wanna say, I'm with you." It wasn't really a promise, not of hope or help, but it felt like the right thing to say.
"Thank you, Sans. You are a good friend." Sans walked off the pang of guilt that sent through his soul.
The early days were hard. Everything was falling apart. Without Papyrus, there wasn't much reason to get up in the morning. If it wasn't for Toriel, he might've not gotten up at all most days. He was hardly the only one suffering from loss. Nearly every monster had lost a family member or a friend. Fear and grief were present in equal amounts. There were so many funerals. The hospitals were busy as well, as more and more monsters lost hope and their health declined. It was a wonder he didn't fall down himself.
It wasn't just emotions that collapsed under the weight of attempting to live normally. Most of the structure holding up society had disappeared. A lot of the royal guard had been killed, although some had, inexplicably, been spared. Undyne in particular was a massive loss. She wasn't just the head of the royal guard, she had been the champion of the monsters, an upcoming leader, a role model to many.
The future seemed so bleak. The king was gone, and while the queen took over, many were too young to remember her. Even Mettaton was gone, so they didn't have TV escapism to turn to. The loss of the human souls was yet another blow to moral. It was all so much to take in.
Toriel was a good queen. She knew what she was doing, but she let her sentimentality take over. She was in complete denial that the human could've done anything bad. Nobody wanted to be the one to argue with the queen. There had been enough fighting.
Sans was in a haze most of the time. Without Papyrus to remind him to do things, he ended up doing nothing at all. He half expected the human to reset every day, but that never happened. He didn't know if he looked forward to that or not. Sans wanted nothing more than to see Papyrus again, but he couldn't tolerate watching him die again. Days passed without him noticing.
Eventually, Sans realized he hadn't heard from Alphys since the evacuation. Even Toriel hadn't asked about her at all, which was strange considering Alphys was the Royal Scientist. Getting up was too much energy, so he sent several messages over the Undernet. Although Alphys was a nervous introvert in face to face conversations, she always responded to online stuff quickly and confidently. When he hadn't gotten a response a week later, Sans knew something was up.
Finally, Sans worked up the motivation to do something about it. He wandered out of the castle, where he had been staying since Toriel had become queen. Returning to his house without Papyrus was too much to even think about. On his way out, Toriel stopped him.
"Sans! It's so good to see you up and about. Have you eaten yet today." Sans accepted her mother henning. "By the way, I have an idea for a new policy I want to put into practice. I never supported the former king's human policy, and without the other souls, it's impractical to wait for seven more to come here. Besides, I do not want this cycle of violence to continue. Therefore, all humans who fall should be treated not as enemies, but as friends."
Toriel looked so hopeful, the happiest she had looked in weeks. "Sounds great, Tori, but I don't think people are going to like it." Sans said through gritted teeth. Toriel seemed satisfied despite his warning, and let Sans go.
As soon as she was gone, he took one of his shortcuts to directly outside the lab. Inside, everything was dark and disused. There had been a flurry of activity here, back when Undyne and Mettaton had met with Alphys for help in their fights against the human, and the evidence still stood.
Sans slowly walked further into the lab. Something didn't seem right about all this. He took a few more steps. Paper crinkled underneath his slippers. Sans bent down and picked up a letter.
He scanned the letter. It appeared to be some sort of confessional. He barely read to the end before dropping the paper and tentatively stepping into the elevator. As the doors closed, he leaned heavily on the railing. Alphys letter…it didn't look like there was much that could be done. Sans felt very tired. He had known Alphys, was sort-of friends with her. He couldn't blame her for what she claimed she did.
The elevator doors opened with a soft ding. The lab looked even more dingy than he remembered. Sans slowly opened the door to her office. Sure enough, a discarded lab coat lay on a silvery pile of dust.
Sans knew he should feel something. He should cry out, should fall to his knees and grasp the lab coat. He should swear revenge on the human, not just for Alphys but for every monster they senselessly killed.
Instead, he blankly stood there. After a while, a lyric from an old record he had once scavenged from the dumps and spent nights listening to with Papyrus came to mind. "Heh, another one bites the dust." It was horribly inappropriate, and not really funny, but he chuckled along anyways.
What to do now? That was the persistent question. No doubt there would have to be a funeral and a public announcement of the death of the Royal Scientist. Too bad it looked like Alphys didn't have any friends or family to participate in that funeral, not anymore. It's hard to hold a funeral when there's nobody who knows what that person's favorite thing was.
Sans didn't keep track of time before he heard something moving down the hall towards him. He didn't care enough to react until it sat panting behind him. A warm, wet tongue licked him. Finally, Sans turned around. A strange sight greeted him. The creature was definitely big and furry, but it was hard to make any other definite statements about it. Several mouths panted and drooled, and three tails wagged happily. The thing butted one of its heads against Sans' chest.
"You look hungry. Here, have one on the house." Sans pulled out an old hot dog from his jacket. It was practically petrified from an eternity rolling in lint, but the dog creature was more than happy to snap it out of the air. "You must be Endogeny." Alphys had written about them in her letter, but it hadn't quite registered until now. "Guess that means there's a bunch of others like you."
Again, Sans had to wonder what the best thing to do was. Well, perhaps the morally best thing to do was to sleuth out their families, return the amalgamates, and explain the whole thing to everyone in person. That sounded like so much work. He really wasn't the best for this job, but everyone qualified was dead, so there was no use complaining.
Sans walked around the lab. The amalgamates largely ignored him or begged him for food. In one of the rooms, he found a large food dispenser, half full, so at least there was no chance for starvation. It had been many years since Sans had walked these hallways, and for a brief moment, he allowed himself to be swept away by the nostalgia.
He had to go. This was too much now. He found a photocopier upstairs, and made several copies of the section of Alphys letter that extensively discussed the origin and nature of the amalgamates. Sans left out the suicide bit from the photocopies, it just didn't seem like the place for it. He tied one copy around the necks of every amalgamate. "Go find your families," he said to them as he let the run out of the lab.
They soon disappeared out of sight. Maybe that wasn't the best decision, but it wouldn't be the first bad choice he had made. He took the original copy of Alphys' letter and teleported back to the castle. "Hate to be the bearer of more bad news, Tori, but the Royal Scientist is dead." Sans was in no mood for pleasantries and handed the letter to Toriel. She was devastated, so compassionate for someone she had never met.
Sans and Toriel consoled each other the best they could, that is to say, Toriel talked a lot and asked questions while Sans stayed mostly quiet or tried to make jokes that fell flat.
A revelation like that couldn't stay secret for long, especially not with the amalgamates roaming the Underground. Luckily, they were just interested in rejoining their many families and didn't cause more problems. Toriel still had to give a public speech.
"My dear people, another tragedy had recently stricken us. Our own Royal Scientist, Alphys, has passed. In addition, her experiments with determination, human souls, and monster souls have resulted in the creatures known as amalgamates." Toriel began her speech. She talked extensively about Alphys' life and work, and explained the presence of the amalgamates in a traditionally reassuring way.
She used the amalgamates to transition into her human policy proposal. "We have seen the damage caused by misuse of human souls. We know the pain caused by the deaths of children. For this reason, and many others, I propose a new policy towards fallen humans. Any human who falls here shall be treated not as enemies, but as friends."
It was a good statement, and in another life, it may have even been a good policy, but here and now, it stirred up a lot of displeasure. Usually Toriel commanded a dignified atmosphere that left bystanders respectful, but now, the public roared their disapproval. Pain and sorrow expressed themselves in anger and hate. They refrained from throwing objects at the queen, but they seemed at the brink of doing so.
Toriel quickly ended the announcement and retreated back into the castle. Sans met her there. Toriel was distraught. "Oh, I don't know what I did wrong, Sans. I will not be like Asgore. I will not take innocent lives. However if this is truly what the people want…I will not stand in the way of that but I will also not be an executor." Sans offered her his shoulder and what meager comfort he could offer. "Thank you, Sans. You are a good friend and a good person, even to this silly old lady." Accepting that compliment felt like lying to himself, but right now, Toriel was the one hurting.
Toriel's unofficial dethroning wasn't an immediate process. She waited several days before meeting with several groups of monsters and leaders to try to promote her human policy, but they refused to accept it. It became clear after two weeks: either kill humans or step down. Sans wasn't surprised when Toriel graciously abdicated the throne. But there was nobody there to fill it.
The day Toriel left the castle, Sans found her in her room. "My friend, it appears our paths separate here."
Sans walked closer. "Where're you going?"
Toriel turned away. "Back to the ruins. Another human is bound to fall, and someone has to take care of the flowers."
"Hey, got room for one more there?" Toriel looked at him, confused but hopeful. "Think it's time for a change of pace for me too."
"Oh, Sans, you do not need to give up your life here for me."
Sans shrugged. "Nah, don't worry about it. Got nothing here for me, anyways." Nothing but a cold and empty house, nothing but dusty memories. Toriel was the last good thing Sans had left in his life, he wasn't going to let her disappear into the ruins and become just a distant voice again.
Toriel was overjoyed. "Sans! Thank you so much. Your company is much appreciated." She swept him into a hug.
Packing didn't take long for Toriel, and took even less time for Sans. It was too much for them both to bear the looks they received and the despair, so they took the ferry. The river person was less busy than normal, as much of their business was gone. They were infamous for giving bits of prophecies and nonsense. They spoke, "Tra-la-la. Flowers cannot bloom in the dark, but mushrooms can."
It wasn't worth deciphering the river person's phrases, and in any case, it seemed to mostly be a bit of straightforward gardening advice. They got off at the Snowdin dock. The two of them walked into town. The library caught Sans' eye. "Hey, Tori, how 'bout you go on ahead? I'll check us out some books. Help you turn over a new page." Toriel giggled at the joke.
"That sounds wonderful, Sans. Admittedly, my old reading material has gotten a bit dull. I'll leave the door unlocked, just knock." They parted ways at the junction. Sans had no problem checking out books from the library. The librarians were curious as ever, and they chatted as he browsed the stacks. Being back in Snowdin felt so normal, and so weird. Sans half expected Papyrus to burst through the door, full of excitement and life.
As Sans left the cozy library, he couldn't avoid looking at their, no, his, house. It looked cold and dead. An emptiness yawned in his chest. Around Toriel, he could almost forget, sometimes. Now that filled him with even more guilt. He wondered if he would ever be free of the guilt and grief.
Sans kept walking, kept from lingering. The path through Snowdin wasn't much easier, though. Most of its citizens were out and about, and they were happy to chat for a few moments with Sans. It was tiring, pretending to be fine, but it was even more exhausting when someone brought up Papyrus.
Eventually, he managed to detangle himself from the gaggles of curious admirers. The snow was fresh and crisp. The walk was calming, in a way. As Sans passed traps and puzzles, he allowed himself to remember Papyrus and their adventures out in these woods with equal amounts of happiness and sadness.
So far, he hadn't seen any of the Dog Guard. Sans was about halfway through the forest when Dogamy and Dogaressa showed up. Apparently, they had moved closer to the door since the human had passed through and abandoned their other post. They were the only guards left, and they both had a haunted look to them. "Hi Sans." Dogaressa greeted him, subdued. Usually, Dogamy echoed Dogaressa and they finished each other's sentences, but he was silent. "Where're you going?" Sans answered her honestly, there was no reason to lie. They kept up small talk for a while, before Dogaressa burst out, "I'm so sorry, Sans. Papyrus-it's our fault we let that human go. We just let them walk by us, and they killed so many. Why are we here when they're gone?"
She sounded so lost and distraught. Sans shook his head. "Dogaressa, I don't think anything that human did can be rationalized. It's okay, don't blame yourself. If anyone's to blame, it should be me." Sans let a little self-loathing slip at the end accidentally.
They tried to talk some more, but there wasn't really anything to say. The Underground had fallen into something of an uncomfortable anarchy, but out here in Snowdin, some of the last of the guards remained in case they were needed, unconcerned about the turmoil engulfing New Home.
Sans said farewell to the Dogi. It was not long until he reached the grand purple door leading to the ruins. Like so many times before, he knocked on the door. Almost immediately, it opened to reveal Toriel. "Oh, allow me to help you with those." She grabbed half of Sans's stack of books. "You really did not have to go through such trouble for me." Sans waved off her concern.
They made their way to the main level of the house. It was warm and homey looking. Sans watched Toriel bustle around the fireplace and kitchen. In the castle, she had looked like a regal queen. Here, she looked like a kindly matriarch.
She entered the dining room with a pie already in her hands. "I simply could not resist making you some snail pie while I waited." They sat down for an early supper. The pie, of course, was delicious.
After they had washed up from the meal, Toriel led Sans to a hallway with several doors branching off it. They stopped at a door with an "room under renovations" sign taped to it. "It has been many years since someone has stayed in this room, but I hope you like living here anyways," she said. Sans opened the door. It was a fairly typical looking guest room, somewhat musty, but honestly a lot cleaner than his room back in Snowdin.
"Gee, thanks Tori." Sans looked around the room.
"I'll leave you to settle in." She walked into her own room. Sans wandered around. There were few mementos left by whoever had lived here before. He quietly left and explored the rest of the house. He had seen most of it already: the kitchen, the dining room/living room, hallway, stairs, and the exit from the ruins. He found a small attic stuffed full.
Then, of course, there was the kid's room. It was full of childish drawings, stuffed animals, shoes, things left behind by the seven kids. It was impossible to tell who had left what. It made Sans uncomfortable to think of the kid living in this room, cared for by Toriel. Inevitably, another child would fall and live here. Sans didn't know what he would do then.
Sans finished his exploration and returned to his bed. The following days were almost the same as his life in the castle. He would sleep odd hours. When he was awake, he'd stare at the wall or listen to Toriel talk. Toriel kept the house alive, and kept Sans alive too.
She was understanding of Sans's lifestyle, even without knowing why he acted like he did. Many afternoons and evenings, she would read out loud or talk aimlessly by the fire as Sans listened or dozed. It was an idle life.
Toriel still loved the child so much, however. She would often fall back on nostalgic musings about them. When that happened, Sans would make a conscious effort not to respond poorly. He had only himself to blame for his brother's death. Telling Toriel would only cause her so much pain. There had been enough of that lately.
As for Sans, he tried not to think much at all, especially about humans. It only lead him into circles of pity, sorrow, and guilt. Sometimes, he wished the kid would reset, just so he could see Papyrus's face again. Sometimes, he even felt anger break through the numbness. When that happened, he kept to a more distant part of the ruins to avoid snapping at Toriel.
It was hard to keep track of time. Under the ground, the temperature was pretty stable. It didn't help that nearer to Snowdin, there was a persistent chill and there was always beautiful red leaves scattered in every corner. The magic regulating night and day wasn't as finely tuned as it was in the rest of the underground either.
The only way to keep track of time was Toriel's daily habits. Every day, she tended to a small garden of flowers near the opening of the barrier. Sometimes Sans joined her. When the sun is angled just right, sunbeams reach all the way to the golden flowers. Toriel enjoyed his company there, even though he didn't really help. Sans sometimes thought if he saw a human fall down, he'd save everyone the trouble and kill it before Toriel could see, but despite these thoughts, he knew deep down that wasn't likely. The best he could do is walk with Toriel, and hope that if a human attacked, he would be able to defend them both.
They fell into a pattern. Toriel was mostly content. She had seen much heartbreak, and though recent events weighed heavily on her at times, she was able to rebound and smile again. Sans put up a good show. Their interactions were filled with puns and laughter. It didn't matter that oftentimes, that laughter was forced.
Sans tried so hard to not think about anything more than each passing lazy day, but even he couldn't ignore reality forever. It was Toriel who unwittingly gave the push.
"Sans," Toriel began as she stirred a bowl of something. Sans could tell she really had something on her mind by her tone. "Did you not have a life back in Snowdin? You often talked of your brother, but I have not heard stories of him in so long. Why did you come here if you had a family?" Toriel sounded both curious and concerned.
Sans hadn't expected to be called out this early. "Uh, my brother doesn't need me anymore." It was the truth. There was nothing more he could do for Papyrus. Anything he did would just be for his own benefit.
"Well, if there's anything you need to do, you are free to go do it. I do not wish to hold you captive in this place." Toriel sounded genuinely upset at the idea.
Sans held up his hands to placate her. "Hey, sure. Think I'll go back tomorrow, get some stuff done, and come back." Toriel looked relieved. She began to tell him the summary of the latest book she had read. Sans tried to focus on that, instead of what tomorrow would bring.