Killua had noticed that Gon had been acting strangely for a while now. He was moping a lot when he didn't think Killua was around, just like right now. Killua was concerned but wasn't sure how to broach the topic. Gon was clearly keeping something from him which was weird. Gon was always the open one. Killua was the one who had had to make the promise to talk about things because he never wanted to and Gon felt it was really important. Killua couldn't deny that talking to Gon about things, especially things that upset him, felt good. It was cathartic, even if it felt disgusting and exposing to start.
So why was Gon, the one who had convinced Killua to do these things, the one who never hesitated to open up to Killua, acting like this?
It was Gon's turn to handle kitchen cleaning so Killua was currently watching Gon wash a plate impressively morosely. It would probably need to be washed again. It might have been a little funny if Killua knew what was going on but Gon hadn't brought up a single thing.
"Hey, Gon," Killua said suddenly, announcing his presence.
Was that a flinch? And a hesitation?
"Killua!" Gon turned and flashed Killua a grin and said with his usual cheery voice. "I haven't started planning dinner yet since I'm still doing dishes. Do you have anything in mind?"
You want to talk about food? Killua thought.
"Nah, not really," he responded. "Why don't I help?"
"It's okay, I'm almost done," Gon replied, turning back to the dishes. His face fell as he turned away, something that definitely didn't go unnoticed by Killua. He actually felt a little insulted that Gon seemed to think he wouldn't notice a change in Gon's expression.
Killua was careful with his tone but he asked, "Is something wrong?"
The truth was he was irritated at Gon's behavior and the fact that he apparently thought Killua either wasn't observant enough or didn't care enough to see how upset Gon was. When he brought it up, though, Killua had made sure not to give away that he knew something was wrong. If this was serious enough for straightforward, honest Gon to try to hide and lie about, Killua figured it would be alright to let Gon think Killua wasn't onto him from the start.
Gon's face bore heavy undertones of guilt as he blatantly lied, "No, why?"
That pissed me off more than I expected.
Killua stared hard at Gon for a few seconds before he turned and said, "Never mind, forget it. Why don't we eat out tonight? My last job paid me a bonus for such a clean and fast job so I'll treat us to something."
"Okay, that sounds good!" Gon said, though not in as exuberant a tone as Killua had come to expect.
"We'll go someplace nice, so dress up a little. I'm gonna go get ready."
"Okay! I'll get ready as soon as I'm done with the dishes!"
***
When they were both ready and about to head out the door Killua hesitated, his hand on the doorknob, not yet turned. He was about to turn and ask Gon again if something was wrong when he felt Gon's hand grip his suit jacket and heard Gon speak in the quietest voice he had ever heard from his best friend and partner in all the years they had known each other.
"Killua?"
Knocked off balance and admittedly a little scared, Killua turned his head and blinked at Gon who had his head down.
"... Do you love me?"
Killua's heart pounded in his chest. Too shocked to speak, he only looked silently at Gon, frozen in place.
A long, dense silence passed between them until Gon's grip on Killua's jacked tightened.
"You don't really, do you?"
"Why would you think that?!" Killua's voice came out much louder than necessary as his heart rate spiked.
"B-Because… Because…"
Gon's hand left Killua's jacket and both hands turned into fists on his face as he started to cry. Gon dug the heels of his hands into his eyes like he was trying to push his tears back in.
"Because you never say it! Ever!"
Panic swelled in Killua's chest along with horror that Gon would ever think Killua didn't love him and need him like nothing he'd ever needed or wanted before.
"You don't say it to anyone… not even me."
Gon's voice was so broken that Killua wished he could die on the spot, struck down by lightning or something. But since that kind of sweet relief wasn't coming, Killua released the knob and turned to pull Gon into a hug.
"You're the most important person in my life. I thought you knew that. You mean the world to me, Gon. I never thought… I had to say it to make you understand."
For Killua, there had never really been any doubt. Like, sure, Gon said it all the time but even more than that, Gon was always there for Killua. They were always there to rely on each other and be relied upon. Killua hadn't really needed anything else.
Gon lifted his face from Killua's shoulder where it had ended up when they embraced. He was still visibly upset and crying, though he had calmed down a little. His bottomless brown eyes met Killua's and Gon asked again, "But do you love me though?"
"Yes! Of course! Didn't I just say that?"
Gon's brows pulled together and he looked away from Killua. To Killua, it looked like Gon wanted to say something but couldn't figure out how.
"I just," Gon started his sentence with visible difficulty. "I want… you to say it. I want to hear you say it. I mean, I know you're always there for me and we can count on each other but-"
Killua cut Gon off with a kiss. Desperate, like he was suffocating and Gon was the only source of oxygen. He clung with both hands to Gon's shoulders.
"Gon, I'm sorry," Killua turned the first kiss into a series, punctuating them with words. "I love you, Gon. I really do. I love you. I love you."
When Killua said, "I love you," Gon started returning this kisses with his usual heat but with a similar element of desperation to Killua's. While Killua desperately tried to show Gon his love, Gon desperately tried to take it in. Gon had felt so isolated from the man he loved the most that this connection and these words felt like his lungs opening anew.
"I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I didn't love you," Killua said through tears he was now also shedding.
Killua's name came from Gon's mouth a few times. Gon leaned into Killlua and wrapped his hands around the back of Killua's head and upper neck and pulled Killua closer so they could kiss more deeply. This move shifted the weight dynamic in their embrace and Killua stumbled backwards into the wall beside their door. Gon yelped as his knuckles hit the wall but he didn't stop kissing Killua.
"I'm sorry I hurt you like this, Gon," Killua said, speaking whenever his lips were free. "I didn't know. I didn't realize you felt that I didn't love you because I never said it to you."
"I love you, Killua!"
"I love you, Gon!"
***
Eventually the tears and the desperate kisses both stopped and the two just stood, leaning against the wall, in each other's embrace. Gon was nuzzled into Killua and Killua was petting Gon's hair.
"Hey, Gon. How long has this been bugging you?" Killua asked, breaking the comfortable silence.
"Um, probably since we stayed with Kurapika and Leorio that one time?"
Killua pushed Gon away from his body so he could look Gon in the face. " You've been sitting here agonizing over my feelings about you for over a year?! "
"I guess. I wasn't super worried about it at first but the more I thought about how much they said they loved each other, the more it bothered me I guess," Gon said, seeming nowhere near as perturbed by his admission as Killua was.
" Over a YEAR, idiot! " Killua yelled. "Why didn't you say anything to me?"
"I dunno. It felt kinda stupid at first I guess and then before I knew it, I was too upset to talk about it. But I didn't want to explode on you so I didn't know what to do," Gon explained, ending with his signature mischievous tongue sticking out face.
That stupid face always annoyed Killua but he also knew he couldn't resist it.
"What are you, twelve?" Killua said with a teasingly derisive tone.
"Maybe, but I'm still a better kisser than you!" Gon teased back.
Killua scoffed. "Whatever, let's just go while there's still someplace nice we can eat."
"Yeah!" Gon cheered.
"And Killua?"
"What?"
"I love you."
"...I love you too, Gon."