**A/N** This fic is a response to the WIKTT beach challenge. I wrote it all
in an hour so be merciful! Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I'm not
making any money off of this. Kudos to my dad, who suggested that "shaken,
not stirred" might have a sexual connotation, and to my little brother who
insists on putting a hula girl with a coconut bikini on our dashboard. With
that said. enjoy!
Hermione and Ginny lay side by side on their beach chairs, tanning. The Gryffindor sixth and seventh years had decided to take a weekend trip to the coast, and the girls were thoroughly enjoying themselves as they watched the boys splashing in the water and giggled whenever they received appreciative glances from sexy strangers.
"I can't believe how many guys have checked you out so far today, Hermione!" Ginny whispered. "How on earth do you do it?" Hermione laughed and quirked an eyebrow, her eyes undoubtedly shining with mischief (Ginny couldn't be sure because they were shielded by some transfigured designer sunglasses).
"Well, Ginny, I think the reason is this: I am wearing a bikini, while you are wearing a tankini. Everyone knows that bikinis are infinitely sexier. I mean, comparing a tankini to a bikini is like comparing Professor Snape to Alan Rickman." Ginny snorted. "You know, if Snape ever managed to clean himself up, he'd look a lot like Rickman. that is, if Rickman is that guy in the poster on your wall. You know, the one that you kiss when you don't think anyone is looki-Oh." Ginny decided to shut up when Hermione lowered the sunglasses and gave her a death glare.
Squinting evilly, then replacing the glasses, Hermione kicked sand at Ginny, who had to return the favor. Soon both girls were entirely covered in the clingy, gritty substance. "Well, I guess we'll have to rinse off," Ginny sighed innocently. The girls rose and gracefully made their way down to the water, ignoring the boys that were shamelessly checking them out.
Harry and Ron turned to gape at them as they entered the water, their tongues nearly hanging out of their mouths. Then, Harry got a mischievous look and grinned evilly. By the time Hermione realized she was in big trouble, both she and Ginny had been tackled and forced beneath the waves in a most undignified manner. When she surfaced, Hermione saw something that would give her nightmares for the rest of her life.
Neville Longbottom was wearing a bright red (and all too revealing) Speedo-- and his sunburned skin was nearly as bright as his swimwear. He blushed when he noticed the look on Hermione's face as she shoved her sopping wet and even more unruly hair out of her eyes, which made his new skin tone even more shocking. Hermione tried not to notice his less-than-toned body and gawky legs.
"Neville! Haven't you ever heard of sunscreen?" He looked at her, confused, and Hermione rolled her eyes. Honestly, wizards really could take tips from muggles sometimes. It would do them all a world of good. She gestured exasperatedly. "Come on, Neville, back to the beach chairs." Hermione cringed at the thought of herself spreading sunscreen on Neville's back... cringing, she grabbed her bottle of SPF 40 Banana Boat and applied liberally. Neville seemed to enjoy the experience a little too much... Luckily, Hermione didn't have to process the implications of this because she was interrupted by Ron.
"Erm... Hermione?" he asked, his face a little flushed. "Do you think you could put some of that on me, too?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. Trust Ron to take advantage of this situation in order to get close to her. If only he showed that kind of resourcefulness when he tackled more important tasks--like schoolwork. She tried not to roll her eyes--it wasn't as though she fancied Ron, although he could be trusted to be completely oblivious to the fact!
"Um. Sure Ron. But after that, I think I'm going to hang out next to the pool."
~~
Severus Snape stretched languidly on his black towel, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his shockingly pale back. It didn't matter how long he stayed out here--he wouldn't tan. Snape never tanned. However, he wouldn't be opposed to allowing some attractive woman to rub some tanning oil on his back just for the heck of it. Of course, that would only happen in his dreams.
"You know, Severus, that woman over there seems rather interested in you," Dumbledore laughed as he sipped his daquiri. Snape rolled onto his back and glanced lazily at the woman in question thorough his Ray-Bans. He had loved that commercial with the vampires. he'd seen it when it first aired, the last time he'd watched television.
"Erm, Albus?" Snape asked, taking in his admirer's grass skirt and coconut bikini, as well as the rather prominent Adam's apple, broad shoulders, and strangely masculine six pack. "That's not a woman." Minerva began to chuckle, and Severus would have sneered at her maliciously if he'd had the energy.
"I'm sick of being here with you two. I'm going to the bar," he growled, hauling himself out of the sand and towards the bar, which, despite its proximity to the beach, was also accompanied by a pool. It reminded him of Punta Leona, a beach resort he'd been to in Costa Rica. Too bad he'd gotten into the water on the wrong beach-he'd accidentally chosen Playa Mantas (the one with the stingrays).
Snape felt eyes boring into him as he ordered another martini (shaken, not stirred-comparable to his reaction to his admirer). A woman raised an eyebrow at him suggestively and stretched out one of her long, brown legs by the side of the pool. Grinning to himself, Snape casually made his way over and sat a few chairs down from her, eyeing her from behind his glasses. Perhaps this whole beach trip idea wasn't so bad after all.
Eventually, the pool had mostly cleared out, and Snape decided that he'd get some swimming in now that no one was watching. Stretching, he made his way to the diving board and climbed the ladder gracefully. Poising himself to dive, Snape was about ready to leap off of the platform when he heard a shocked voice behind him.
"Professor Snape???"
~~
Hermione had never been so shocked in her life. As she approached the pool, she had spotted a very sexy sunbather lying in one of the chairs. He had looked somehow familiar, but Hermione couldn't remember seeing anyone with a nicely muscled chest and silky looking black hair. Damn, this guy was sexy! Hermione was practically drooling. The strangely familiar man had then risen and climbed gracefully up the ladder and onto the diving board. His hands had gripped the ladder and pulled him up so deftly.
Those hands. Suddenly, Hermione realized just who she was so blatantly admiring. She hadn't been able to help herself-just as he was about to leap from the diving board she yelled out, "Professor Snape???"
Snape had already jumped by the time he registered her voice, but he looked at her in shock anyway, all of his technique forgotten. He'd tried to save the dive, but in vain. A split second later, Snape hit the water with a loud smack, thus concluding the most graceless swan dive in history. Hermione couldn't help it-she cracked up. She was laughing hysterically when the Potions Master came up sputtering.
"MISS GRANGER!" he roared after shaking the water out of his hair and getting over the shock of getting some up his nose. Luckily, he managed not to belch even though he'd swallowed a huge amount of the heavily chlorinated liquid. Hermione was still laughing, and he had a moment to register just how different she looked in that bikini. Snape was thankful he hadn't worn his own Speedo once those types of thoughts entered his brain. Hermione eventually laughed herself all the way to the poolside, and fell in with a graceless splash that was but a shadow of his own diving faux pas. Snape snorted and hauled himself out of the pool, trying to muster what was left of his dignity.
"Professor Snape!" Hermione yelled, hauling herself onto dry ground and catching up to him. "What are you doing here?"
"It's none of your business, Miss Granger," he snapped, trying not to think about just how skimpy that bikini top happened to be.
"Sorry," she muttered, and was about to leave when Harry and Ron approached, a limping and lobster-like Neville in tow. Ginny ran up with some of Hermione's aloe vera gel and handed it to the unfortunate boy. They all stopped short when they realized just who Hermione was standing next to. Professor Snape wasn't any less frightening clad only in swim trunks. To Harry and Ron, he was a great deal more unnerving, although Ginny and Hermione exchanged surprised and appreciative looks that went completely unnoticed by their male companions.
~~
Everyone simply stared at everyone else until Dumbledore came up behind Snape, clad in swim trunks with brightly colored fish on them. Snape was thankful that he had at least remembered to remove the hot pink inflatable water wings-for all of his formidable talents as a wizard, Dumbledore had never learned to swim. Professor McGonagall soon showed up in a leopard- print one piece, which threatened to lower Hermione's opinion of her favorite teacher.
"Well, well!" Dumbledore grinned. "It is good to see you children. Anyone up for a game of beach volleyball?" Everyone shook their heads. "Oh well," sighed the Headmaster, looking disappointed. "How about a chicken fight?" The shaking became more vehement.
"Fine then," he shrugged. "I'll have to order you all to camp out on the beach tonight-the sun is already setting. We'll simply have to build a bonfire and sing songs around it. I brought marshmallows!" Snape rolled his eyes and retrieved his now-unnecessary Ray-Bans, while the Gryffindors just gave each other horrified looks. This was going to be a long night.
~~
Hermione was thankful when she finally managed to slip away from the hand- holding hippie sing-a-long led by a half-naked Dumbledore. Neville still hadn't changed out of his Speedo, and Hermione was now officially overexposed to her friends' swimwear. She decided to walk down to the water, watching the ghost crabs as they scuttled over the wet sand and gazing out towards the horizon. Lost in thought, Hermione was shocked when she tripped over a formerly relaxed and dozing Professor Snape.
"Miss Granger," he growled. Hermione was annoyed-this beach was a public place, not his own private island. Cocking an eyebrow she knew he couldn't see, she plopped down next to him in an act of defiance.
"Miss Granger, what do you think you are doing?" he snapped. Hermione shrugged. "What, you think this beach belongs to you? I happen to be enjoying the evening and escaping that sing-a-long over there."
"What," Snape groaned. "You'd rather harass me instead of mooning over your beloved Mr. Weasley? Or do you fancy young Longbottom in that swimsuit of his?" Hermione was both amused and irritated.
"Don't you dare assume that I have any feelings other than platonic ones for Ron Weasley!" she snapped, and was shocked to hear Snape snort next to her, but not maliciously. He sounded. amused!
"Oh? But you haven't cleared up that issue with Mister Longbottom." he asked silkily, his voice oozing innocence. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one. But I really must ask again-why have you sought out my company?" Hermione grinned. She'd recently seen the movie Airplane, which parodied a beach scene she was itching to recreate.
"Well, that might take some explaining." Hermione grinned, turning to face her professor. Beach trips were much better than she had imagined. and come to think of it, Snape really did resemble Alan Rickman. Besides, the real thing just had to blow away the poster in her room.
They never made it back to the bonfire.
Hermione and Ginny lay side by side on their beach chairs, tanning. The Gryffindor sixth and seventh years had decided to take a weekend trip to the coast, and the girls were thoroughly enjoying themselves as they watched the boys splashing in the water and giggled whenever they received appreciative glances from sexy strangers.
"I can't believe how many guys have checked you out so far today, Hermione!" Ginny whispered. "How on earth do you do it?" Hermione laughed and quirked an eyebrow, her eyes undoubtedly shining with mischief (Ginny couldn't be sure because they were shielded by some transfigured designer sunglasses).
"Well, Ginny, I think the reason is this: I am wearing a bikini, while you are wearing a tankini. Everyone knows that bikinis are infinitely sexier. I mean, comparing a tankini to a bikini is like comparing Professor Snape to Alan Rickman." Ginny snorted. "You know, if Snape ever managed to clean himself up, he'd look a lot like Rickman. that is, if Rickman is that guy in the poster on your wall. You know, the one that you kiss when you don't think anyone is looki-Oh." Ginny decided to shut up when Hermione lowered the sunglasses and gave her a death glare.
Squinting evilly, then replacing the glasses, Hermione kicked sand at Ginny, who had to return the favor. Soon both girls were entirely covered in the clingy, gritty substance. "Well, I guess we'll have to rinse off," Ginny sighed innocently. The girls rose and gracefully made their way down to the water, ignoring the boys that were shamelessly checking them out.
Harry and Ron turned to gape at them as they entered the water, their tongues nearly hanging out of their mouths. Then, Harry got a mischievous look and grinned evilly. By the time Hermione realized she was in big trouble, both she and Ginny had been tackled and forced beneath the waves in a most undignified manner. When she surfaced, Hermione saw something that would give her nightmares for the rest of her life.
Neville Longbottom was wearing a bright red (and all too revealing) Speedo-- and his sunburned skin was nearly as bright as his swimwear. He blushed when he noticed the look on Hermione's face as she shoved her sopping wet and even more unruly hair out of her eyes, which made his new skin tone even more shocking. Hermione tried not to notice his less-than-toned body and gawky legs.
"Neville! Haven't you ever heard of sunscreen?" He looked at her, confused, and Hermione rolled her eyes. Honestly, wizards really could take tips from muggles sometimes. It would do them all a world of good. She gestured exasperatedly. "Come on, Neville, back to the beach chairs." Hermione cringed at the thought of herself spreading sunscreen on Neville's back... cringing, she grabbed her bottle of SPF 40 Banana Boat and applied liberally. Neville seemed to enjoy the experience a little too much... Luckily, Hermione didn't have to process the implications of this because she was interrupted by Ron.
"Erm... Hermione?" he asked, his face a little flushed. "Do you think you could put some of that on me, too?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. Trust Ron to take advantage of this situation in order to get close to her. If only he showed that kind of resourcefulness when he tackled more important tasks--like schoolwork. She tried not to roll her eyes--it wasn't as though she fancied Ron, although he could be trusted to be completely oblivious to the fact!
"Um. Sure Ron. But after that, I think I'm going to hang out next to the pool."
~~
Severus Snape stretched languidly on his black towel, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his shockingly pale back. It didn't matter how long he stayed out here--he wouldn't tan. Snape never tanned. However, he wouldn't be opposed to allowing some attractive woman to rub some tanning oil on his back just for the heck of it. Of course, that would only happen in his dreams.
"You know, Severus, that woman over there seems rather interested in you," Dumbledore laughed as he sipped his daquiri. Snape rolled onto his back and glanced lazily at the woman in question thorough his Ray-Bans. He had loved that commercial with the vampires. he'd seen it when it first aired, the last time he'd watched television.
"Erm, Albus?" Snape asked, taking in his admirer's grass skirt and coconut bikini, as well as the rather prominent Adam's apple, broad shoulders, and strangely masculine six pack. "That's not a woman." Minerva began to chuckle, and Severus would have sneered at her maliciously if he'd had the energy.
"I'm sick of being here with you two. I'm going to the bar," he growled, hauling himself out of the sand and towards the bar, which, despite its proximity to the beach, was also accompanied by a pool. It reminded him of Punta Leona, a beach resort he'd been to in Costa Rica. Too bad he'd gotten into the water on the wrong beach-he'd accidentally chosen Playa Mantas (the one with the stingrays).
Snape felt eyes boring into him as he ordered another martini (shaken, not stirred-comparable to his reaction to his admirer). A woman raised an eyebrow at him suggestively and stretched out one of her long, brown legs by the side of the pool. Grinning to himself, Snape casually made his way over and sat a few chairs down from her, eyeing her from behind his glasses. Perhaps this whole beach trip idea wasn't so bad after all.
Eventually, the pool had mostly cleared out, and Snape decided that he'd get some swimming in now that no one was watching. Stretching, he made his way to the diving board and climbed the ladder gracefully. Poising himself to dive, Snape was about ready to leap off of the platform when he heard a shocked voice behind him.
"Professor Snape???"
~~
Hermione had never been so shocked in her life. As she approached the pool, she had spotted a very sexy sunbather lying in one of the chairs. He had looked somehow familiar, but Hermione couldn't remember seeing anyone with a nicely muscled chest and silky looking black hair. Damn, this guy was sexy! Hermione was practically drooling. The strangely familiar man had then risen and climbed gracefully up the ladder and onto the diving board. His hands had gripped the ladder and pulled him up so deftly.
Those hands. Suddenly, Hermione realized just who she was so blatantly admiring. She hadn't been able to help herself-just as he was about to leap from the diving board she yelled out, "Professor Snape???"
Snape had already jumped by the time he registered her voice, but he looked at her in shock anyway, all of his technique forgotten. He'd tried to save the dive, but in vain. A split second later, Snape hit the water with a loud smack, thus concluding the most graceless swan dive in history. Hermione couldn't help it-she cracked up. She was laughing hysterically when the Potions Master came up sputtering.
"MISS GRANGER!" he roared after shaking the water out of his hair and getting over the shock of getting some up his nose. Luckily, he managed not to belch even though he'd swallowed a huge amount of the heavily chlorinated liquid. Hermione was still laughing, and he had a moment to register just how different she looked in that bikini. Snape was thankful he hadn't worn his own Speedo once those types of thoughts entered his brain. Hermione eventually laughed herself all the way to the poolside, and fell in with a graceless splash that was but a shadow of his own diving faux pas. Snape snorted and hauled himself out of the pool, trying to muster what was left of his dignity.
"Professor Snape!" Hermione yelled, hauling herself onto dry ground and catching up to him. "What are you doing here?"
"It's none of your business, Miss Granger," he snapped, trying not to think about just how skimpy that bikini top happened to be.
"Sorry," she muttered, and was about to leave when Harry and Ron approached, a limping and lobster-like Neville in tow. Ginny ran up with some of Hermione's aloe vera gel and handed it to the unfortunate boy. They all stopped short when they realized just who Hermione was standing next to. Professor Snape wasn't any less frightening clad only in swim trunks. To Harry and Ron, he was a great deal more unnerving, although Ginny and Hermione exchanged surprised and appreciative looks that went completely unnoticed by their male companions.
~~
Everyone simply stared at everyone else until Dumbledore came up behind Snape, clad in swim trunks with brightly colored fish on them. Snape was thankful that he had at least remembered to remove the hot pink inflatable water wings-for all of his formidable talents as a wizard, Dumbledore had never learned to swim. Professor McGonagall soon showed up in a leopard- print one piece, which threatened to lower Hermione's opinion of her favorite teacher.
"Well, well!" Dumbledore grinned. "It is good to see you children. Anyone up for a game of beach volleyball?" Everyone shook their heads. "Oh well," sighed the Headmaster, looking disappointed. "How about a chicken fight?" The shaking became more vehement.
"Fine then," he shrugged. "I'll have to order you all to camp out on the beach tonight-the sun is already setting. We'll simply have to build a bonfire and sing songs around it. I brought marshmallows!" Snape rolled his eyes and retrieved his now-unnecessary Ray-Bans, while the Gryffindors just gave each other horrified looks. This was going to be a long night.
~~
Hermione was thankful when she finally managed to slip away from the hand- holding hippie sing-a-long led by a half-naked Dumbledore. Neville still hadn't changed out of his Speedo, and Hermione was now officially overexposed to her friends' swimwear. She decided to walk down to the water, watching the ghost crabs as they scuttled over the wet sand and gazing out towards the horizon. Lost in thought, Hermione was shocked when she tripped over a formerly relaxed and dozing Professor Snape.
"Miss Granger," he growled. Hermione was annoyed-this beach was a public place, not his own private island. Cocking an eyebrow she knew he couldn't see, she plopped down next to him in an act of defiance.
"Miss Granger, what do you think you are doing?" he snapped. Hermione shrugged. "What, you think this beach belongs to you? I happen to be enjoying the evening and escaping that sing-a-long over there."
"What," Snape groaned. "You'd rather harass me instead of mooning over your beloved Mr. Weasley? Or do you fancy young Longbottom in that swimsuit of his?" Hermione was both amused and irritated.
"Don't you dare assume that I have any feelings other than platonic ones for Ron Weasley!" she snapped, and was shocked to hear Snape snort next to her, but not maliciously. He sounded. amused!
"Oh? But you haven't cleared up that issue with Mister Longbottom." he asked silkily, his voice oozing innocence. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that one. But I really must ask again-why have you sought out my company?" Hermione grinned. She'd recently seen the movie Airplane, which parodied a beach scene she was itching to recreate.
"Well, that might take some explaining." Hermione grinned, turning to face her professor. Beach trips were much better than she had imagined. and come to think of it, Snape really did resemble Alan Rickman. Besides, the real thing just had to blow away the poster in her room.
They never made it back to the bonfire.