AN: I really need to stop starting stories that I probably don't have the time to work on adequately, but I'm close to finishing up one of my other fics so why not. It's not a new concept (I've looked), but I find this is enjoyable and much less stressful to write than my other fics. As for updates and chapter length, updates will be once a month just on a random day after I get a chapter done because that seems to work best for me, and none of these are going to be super long because I want them to feel like a journal entry. If Nico isn't in character at all, don't hesitate to kindly let me know and thank you for reading!
I don't really know where to begin. It's all just been sort of confusing, and I guess it's just hard to process all on my own. But to call this a "diary" or "feelings journal" is just stupid. That's not what this is at all. Maybe it's therapy, even though it physically hurts to call it that. I don't know. All I know is that I'm awkward, introverted, secretly gay, and distrustful of others so I can't accurately communicate my thoughts with others.
It's like my feelings keep me from reaching out to people, which is perfectly fine with me. Like I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to touch people. I don't want people. Being away from people is what I like best. It's not like they don't understand, because someone out there probably does (except for maybe the demigod, son of Hades thing), but a lot say they do but really don't. But I can't deal with this alone.
So I rant to myself okay.
In short, it's just too much for me handle alone anymore but too personal to talk to other people about. And I don't even fully know what "it" is. Is it my sexuality? Is it being the son of the god of death? Is it being awkward? Is it puberty?
Wonderful thing is, I have no idea, but puberty might be the most solid answer I can come up with.
Unless, of course, I happen to be repressing all sorts of demigod trauma. I suppose that's just as likely. But I don't want to talk about it.
It's like that moment building up to ripping off a bandaid. You know it'll feel better after it inevitably gets ripped off, but you can't bring yourself to do it because it'll hurt in the process. But talking about traumatic events hurts way more than ripping off a silly bandaid, so I guess I could just keep suffering in silence. Like the way I've done for a long time now.
...
Well the Argo II hasn't crashed in the time that I've been aboard, which hasn't been long, but with Valdez at the helm it's a miracle. The others don't really talk to me much, which is probably understandable because I avoid half and the other half stay away naturally. I have no problems with this sort of arrangement and sincerely hope that it continues well into the future.
Unless my loneliness is repressed like all of my "trauma." I wouldn't be surprised if it was, but I'm also in no mood to introspect to find the truth. I did too much of that in hell.
...
Well Hazel talks to me, but I guess that's okay because we have the same dad (sort of, hers is more formal which is weird because that's not what I'm used to). And I make an exception for Hazel because I dragged her out of hell not because she wanted it, but because I did. So I like her, but I also don't want to burden her with all of my problems. Knowing her, I'd get a lot of pity.
I hate pity. It's too sappy. And it requires sharing feelings. I hate sharing feelings because it's too personal. Except in the safety and security of this journal. But I swear I'm not emo. Stereotypically I probably fit the bill, but stereotypes are too binding. I just need to express all of the hurt in my head and I can't trust a person to be there for me.
Let's take Piper for example. Piper keeps trying to talk to me, but she's in the half that I avoid. I don't really know why, but it probably has something to do with the fact that she saved me. Saving me probably appealed to her obvious maternal instincts, which I hate by the way. There's too much contact and too much personal information shared as she'd likely give me a hug to comfort me. I'd hate that. I don't know why she bothers.
Contact tends to give me anxiety but nooo she has to mother me because I'm dark and mysterious and she saved me and I was dying.
In the grand scheme of things, we're all dying. Dad likes to remind me of that.
...
Well that was a lot but not at all helpful. Or maybe I'm just pessimistic, because who said that I wanted healing? All I want is to get things off my chest.
Yeah I'm being pessimistic.
Well now that I'm feeling worse than I did before I even started this whole thing, I'm gonna stop myself here. Who knows if I'll pick this back up again.
-Nico
AN: To be clear, the ellipses aren't really page breaks. My intent with them is to show awkward pauses in his writing when he quickly changes subjects.