AN: trigger warnings: talks and descriptions of self-harm.
Struggling
I start to feel that familiar burn in my chest, that pain that I thought I had gotten rid of. I thought I was stronger than this.
The physical scars have faded but the ones on the heart they don't just go away, they linger in the shadows and when the heart hurts the pain resurrects. I stare out the window at night and wonder how I got myself back into this predicament.
I've grown tired of staring out the window now. I gather my little box that I haven't opened in almost 3 years, a pack of Marlboro Lights, my cell phone, favorite white hoodie, my cars keys and a bottle of water.
There's a special place where I go to sit by the water that over looks a bridge. It's quiet there at night, there's rarely anyone around and it gives me plenty of time to indulge in my thoughts. The entire ride there is spent listening to music but I couldn't tell you one song that played. My mind is jumbled, my heart is hollow and the loneliness creeps in.
My thoughts as of recently have really started to plague me. I can't decide what is dark and what is light. I haven't been a good friend, certainly wasn't a good girlfriend, my job is falling apart around me and I don't know how to stop it. In on instance I know I have some of the best friends in the world. I know who would go to the ends of the earth for me. On the other hand the abandonment issues are always in the back of my mind. I don't mean or want to hurt anyone intentionally but it seems I've been consistently doing that. Honestly I would much rather hurt myself as opposed to another person.
This is where I stand at the moment. All the pent up anger, frustration, confusion, stress, anxiety and insecurity is really starting to wear me thing. The sad part is all I had to do was communicate what I feeling and I wouldn't be back here in this position with the dark side playing with me emotions.
I grab all my belongings and make my way to the hood of my car, the Mercedes has plenty of space for me to sit on and ponder my thoughts. I would never usually do this because my car is my baby, but lets face it, desperate times calls for desperate measures. Once I am situated I open the small black box that holds the silver blade. I flip it over and over in my hand while the moonlight reflects off of it.
I haven't been in this place in a long time. The blade rests in my right hand as I look to the left at my wrist. I want to feel, no I need to feel something.
My right hand now holds the blade tightly and rests it firmly against my wrist.
The first cut brings back all the past memories. The times I used to do this whenever nothing was going right in my life, the times when I felt the loneliest.
The second cut if for all the pain and hurt I've caused recently. I should have known better and never done what I did, you don't run from the people you care about no matter how hard things are.
The third cut is for separating when things became difficult instead of trying to stay close no matter how far I was distance wise.
The fourth cut is for being a failure, not realizing I was doing something wrong and thinking that I had become a much better person than I used to be.
The fifth and final cut is the deepest of all, it is for managing to disappoint one of my biggest supporters, for screwing everything up and not being sure if I could ever make it better.
My eyes close tightly as I soak in the pain that radiates from my arm. Something inside me has broken and this is a pain I never thought I would feel again. Small droplets of blood trickle down my arm, I stare at it but it doesn't make me feel any better. Have I just become numb to it all? Am I always going to be the screw up where the other shoe constantly drops? Did I create my own personal hell?
As I lie back on the hood of my car and get lost in all my thoughts I hear another car pull up. No one is ever around this late at night. When I turn my head to inspect who it could be I see that yellow bug that always brings a smile to my face. I know I tell Emma all the time that it's a death trap but that's what she used to teach me how to drive stick, where I've cried in her arms, where we sat and smoked many cigarettes and stole Wi-Fi from the library across from our apartment. That car harbored my best friend in the entire world, the one person to never walk away from me, no matter how messed up I am.
Emma hurries out of her car and quickly to my side. She doesn't say anything, she just knows. Immediately I am wrapped in the secure strong arms of my very best friend. The blonde's s fingers run through my short hair because she knows how soothing that is for me.
No words are spoken for about an hour. In the meantime Emma helps me clean up my arm and places a gentle kiss on the bandage. I know I could not ask for a better best friend and that hopefully everything will be okay.
Finally she speaks "you don't have to do this anymore Regina, you don't have to feel this way. A mistake was made and people got hurt but you know you are still loved & protected. We'll get through this together, we always do." The blonde placed a light kiss to my temple and snuggled me closer. I can do this…