Chapter 1:State of Mind
They say that dreams linger long after the sunlight has turned them to dust but for how long can I cling to that dream? That distant memory of a family which was once mine? All I can remember is dead, haunting brown eyes and the smell of decay tinting the smoke, I stole a glance at the burning carcasses of my father before I was taken away from the carnage by the officials but I could never forget the feeling of small flames licking my skin and my mothers tears falling on my shirt.
I felt nothing of my past since that day, I wouldn't cry, laugh or even reminisce when it drifted in and out of my mind. It was just numb. There was nothing about it that seemed to excite me, faces were faces, names were names, and feelings weren't feelings because to me memories were just memories. No more no less. It was full of empty holes, deleted patches and blank spaces, while everything else had been altered, changed or twisted to my morals. The only exception seemed to be my family and friends, even then, it was tainted with that sweet smile that would've been sweet if not for the red irises on the face it bore.
My heart was hollow and the echo of silence rang throughout my cavity and bounced off its walls with an almost deafening timbre, mixing with the faint beat of my heart and the noise of crawling legs acting as strings for my mind to play to create an almost bitter tune. There was nothing but the sound of a tart melody playing and a cold wind blowing, there, but not quite alone either as it was accompanied by a warm feeling indescribable in words.
Now, I'd gotten lost on the road of life and as I look in front of me I can't anticipate nor can I predict even a little of what lay ahead. Would it be another crossed path? Or would it instead be a pack of hungry lions ready to bring down upon me an ill fate? I couldn't see that far into the future because it was as murky as the coffee I drank black.
Even as I chased the light waning in the distance to what I assumed would take me away from this path that crumbled every step I took, bone-white hands dragged me back from where I left off. Left was a pit that brought me back, right were the hands that dragged me away and the only path left was straight. I couldn't turn back, back to where my mind was intact. I can only go straight ahead into the impending doom I knew lay in wait for me there.
As I think at this very moment I'm not even entirely sure if these thoughts are mine. My whole conscious and subconscious was fractured, the fine line between right and wrong was blurred and with time, I knew that the raging war for dominance would soon calm. Because what was considered sane and insane would mix and everything; my whole world would be dyed a complete gray.
What little left of the me you see right now is sinking into the tar that filled the path I chose to trek, my mind, body and spirit is being consumed in a sticky darkness that would cling to me no matter where I went, no matter how much I chose to wash it off. My hands, which were covered in red like a perverse opera glove, chose to act on its own and yet even as I attempt to jump into the clear water, I ended only drowning in more sin. The red tendrils on my back dragging me down even further as it manipulated people like a puppet master unable to continue his art further.
I can feel it
Insanity was cradling my mind
And...
It was warm, so warm, that it was indescribable in words
The feeling was the same one in my heart
Kaneki's POV
Kaneki kept his eyes on the failing light as the descending sun tainted everything around him in orange, enjoying the warm breeze that sent his white hair billowing around him that usually came with the transition of spring into summer. As Kaneki sat on the wooden bench located in the playground near his apartment cradling a chilled cup of black coffee, he idly sipped the beverage, watching twilight slowly approach and enjoying his last night in the 20th ward.
When the sun finally dipped into the horizon Kaneki looked around the playground that contained many fond memories of when he was human, of happier times. The swings were old and rusted, but there were tell tale signs that someone had been maintaining it as the swings still had that fluid motion, metal slides that twisted and connected to the monkey bars stood proudly over a red sand-box with chipped paint. Droplets of water condensed and dripped down from the trees surrounding this park in particular whenever it rained, like it had earlier on in the day landing with a soft 'splat'. He took it all in, the birds, the people passing by without a care in the world, and the bitter-sweet taste of Anteikus coffee, a savory nutty flavor dancing on his tongue like a beautiful Gypsy.
When he looked up into the sky, he's suddenly thankful that this part of the city isn't too urbanized otherwise the stars dusting the black sky above Kaneki would've been completely unnoticeable. Thinking about it, everything about the 20th ward was special, well to him at least. Right now at this very moment Kaneki wishes he could reach out to the blanket of stars like a baby reaching for his mother and pocket it, along with Anteiku, Hide and everything else he loved. But that would mean stealing the whole ward. Which was impossible, even for a ghoul of his calibre.
Then he settled into a quiet daze, eyes briefly fluttering shut as the night calmed his thoughts.
Hinami's POV
"Onii-chan...?"
Kaneki, so deep in thought, doesn't notice the soft calls of a little girl heading towards him, clutched in her arms a black duffel bag and a few books. The breeze sent her white clover patterned dress swishing around her as short brown locks were tossed around, the white headband doing nothing to contain her hair. Her brown eyes held a soft look of admiration as she fondly gazed at Kaneki, walking closer and closer with the odd sound of her boots scuffing against the concrete pavement as her heart beat every step she took. A calming sound that grounded her to his world.
Attempting to call out to Kaneki again she walked closer until she was standing directly in front of him, the melancholy gaze blank even as Hinami stuck her hand in front of his face and waved it around in an exaggerated gesture.
'I...don't think I should bother him,' setting the items in her hands down in the empty spot beside him, she wrapped her arms around him and let her hold go slack as Hinami quietly departed 'I hope I get to see onii-chan again soon, I bet even onee-chan misses him.'
Mind made up, Hinami quickens her pace out of the park before she loses her resolve to let her onii-chan do as he wishes without her interruption.
'Please wake up soon, I have a bad feeling...' Daringly looking back, she sees that the cup held up to Kaneki's mouth has fallen, his hand gripping empty space and his mouth still in the position of sipping(?) his beverage '...maybe I should stay for a little longer.'
Kaneki's POV
He feels something warm resting on his lap when he focuses his attention back on the present and seeing the familiar face of Hinami laying her head down, he gently brushes the bangs away from her sleeping face before finally noticing the bags and books sitting to his right. Picking up one of the thick volumes, he reads the front cover before letting a smile touch his lips. 'Hinami, did you bring these all here by yourself?' A sudden thought occurred as worry took over his brief moment of glee 'But what if you were hurt on your way here?'
"Onii-chan...?" A soft voice speaks below him, startling him out of his trance "Are you really leaving? Onee-chan and Mister Yomo says that you have something important to do, and that you'll be back soon but...I wanted to say goodbye," she takes on a forlorn tone as the words coming out of Hinami's mouth both sound so heart wrenching and angry at the same time to him, "because I know that you'll be gone for a long, long time no matter what they say. And...manager told me you might never c-come back so..."
"If you wanted to see me that bad, couldn't you at least have brought someone along? You might've gotten hurt without anyone knowing...but I do appreciate the thought." He says in the gentlest tone he can muster, before Kaneki embraces Hinami in his arms when tears flow down from her eyes and land on his shoulder, him rubbing the small of her back in a comforting gesture.
"C'mon, let's get you home. I bet Touka-nee's looking for you."
"O-okay but you have to promise you'll be back soon, alright?" She looks up at Kaneki, and when he sees her big doe eyes staring up at him in hope, he knows he can't say no. "It's a promise, a pinky promise."
"Yeah, a pinky promise."
No matter how dangerous Kaneki's circumstances may be for her he'll come back alive.
Alive
But not unscathed
AN: Lol I seriously hope you like this fic, because I've been meaning to post it for awhile now. Any reviews or comments on the story will be gladly accepted, as long as your aren't too harsh on me and a few tips on the dialogue between characters is sorely needed as you can see above. Aside from that, I'd like to thank my beta reader kurahieiritr JIO for fixing my overused commas XD
And Keelah whom I've taken parts of the summary from her Naruto fanfiction Instant Messaging, which may or may not be revised. Please read her stories, they're really kickass.
As usual, please review! Maybe I'll leave you a cookie too~~