A/N: What is this I don't even...
This is crack which I wrote for Halloween over at Death Note Kink 2.
http : / / dn-kink2. livejournal. com / 1491. html? thread= 1312467# t1312467
For the Request/Challenge: Light/Rem, Light is attracted to the female Shinigami at first sight.
Warnings: TOTAL CRACK, OOCness, Het, human/Shinigami sex
00000
Part 1: All Dressed Up With Nowhere To Go
The blonde Asian girl and her matronly monster companion gaped at the lambent glow of the TV screen.
"Consider your own life for a moment," The TV announcer entreated "Kira will kill you! You will be used and disposed of! Now you can atone for your past crimes by sharing what you know with the police…" Misa abruptly turned off the TV.
"Where are you going?" Rem asked worriedly as Misa slipped on her short lacey black dress.
"To introduce myself!" Misa declared. She had waited for Kira to make the first move but it looked like she'd just have to be proactive about it. He would probably be getting worried what with that police broadcast!
"Oh… him…" Rem murmured as they approached Kira's address. For a fleeting moment Rem had thought Misa had found some sense and was going to the police. The Shinigami again voiced her concerns but Misa only smirked to herself. It was perfectly safe—HER Light wouldn't be dangerous at all! She would win his heart for sure because she had an ace up her sleeve…
00000
Misa lay back in her bed daydreaming. Today she had managed to buy Light Yagami's picture off some dumb old guy on the police force and was about to put it to good use when her apartment door suddenly swung open. Misa looked up in confusion at the black painted fingernails followed by a shock of spiky maroon hair playfully peaking around the doorframe. Rem tsked, Misa hadn't even bothered to lock the door again.
"Nori? Wha—what are you doing here?"
"Hey Misa, what'cha doin'?"
"Uh, nothing…" Misa stammered when Nori drew uncomfortably close… and snatched the photograph out of her hands.
"Hey!"
"Ooh, he's cute! Is this your boyfriend?"
He will be! "I want him to be," Misa pouted. "But he doesn't know I exist, yet."
Nori gave Misa a sympathetic look, scoffing aloud. "Then he must be an idiot!"
"No, it's not… He doesn't know me. But I really like him but… but what if I mess up? What if he doesn't like me?"
Nori gaped at the model/actress who was currently a neurotic mess over making a good first impression to some random guy. He must be something special…
Nori smiled."I think I've got just the thing!"
Nori was really into the occult (and enjoyed distributing fake poltergeist videos and thus was an ideal candidate to frame for murder…) retrieved an ancient, dusty looking tome from her backpack. Nori's nose-ring dangled comically as she cheerfully flipped through its crumbling pages.
"Here it is!" Nori chirped happily.
Misa stared at the seemingly random squiggles in puzzlement. "What is it?"
"It's a love spell! With this he's guaranteed to love you! It will be love at first sight!" Misa squealed and clapped her hands excitedly and hugged Nori.
The girls began to make the preparations—starting with Light Yagami's photograph being taped to an anatomically correct voodoo doll.
"Misa, I don't like this," Rem began apprehensively. This was beginning to feel more and more like the real deal, actual magic, and in the hands of a novice such things could be very unpredictable… and dangerous. Rem was scared for Misa's sake.
Misa ignored the Shinigami completely as she gleefully fantasized about how her meeting with Kira, Light Yagami, would go. Now it was guaranteed—he would love her, he would always be hers…
00000
As the wax on the candles ran down Misa really hoped this was worth it. She had let Nori make a mess of her apartment, painting weird geometries on the floor with swan's blood (Misa didn't ask where or how Nori got the swan or the blood.) Misa undressed in the bathroom, doing as Nori instructed, putting on the white linen robes that her friend provided. When she emerged from the bathroom, Misa gave a startled shriek as Nori had thrown off her sleeveless Union Jack punk shirt and oh for Kira's sake! She wasn't even wearing a bra!
"Shhh. I am channeling the powers of the Ainogami, the Gods of Love, I need to concentrate. You want Light Yagami to be yours forever, right?"
Misa blushed but nodded emphatically.
"Then sit in the center of the room."
Misa sat.
"What do I—?"
"Don't worry; you don't have to do anything. Just sit there… Relax…"
Nori finished stripping naked and painted some sort of strange ancient runes on her bare skin. She closed her eyes and chanted some eldritch formulae, weaving in and out in a lunatic dance, closing the circle… completely unaware that there was another presence in the room, and with the dance ring Nori was weaving that presence was closer to "the Center" than Misa was…
00000
A girl answered the door of the Yagami House, the name Yagami Sayu floated above her head.
She must be his sister—not a love rival then. I won't have to kill her. Misa thought as she waited for Kira. Misa fidgeted when he finally came to the door looking angry and irritated.
00000
Light Yagami had just got back from police headquarters and was still wearing a nice dark suit and tie number. It was nicer than what he usually wore but that was just the form his rivalry with a certain insomniac detective nemesis had taken this week: L showed up to work one day more slovenly than usual, the next day Light wore nicer clothes to set an example of how one SHOULD dress at the workplace and since neither would back down from a challenge, it just continued to escalate. Light was now wearing fine designer suits (Sayu had teased him about it; she said it looked like he was getting ready to go to a funeral and for some reason that had amused Ryuk to no end). Ryuuzaki had countered by showing up to work in nothing but his boxers. Light was no longer sure what exactly he was trying to prove. Light had wondered if this would continue…? Would L really go that far? Probably—after all, they both hated to lose…
The joke's on you L! Show up naked for all I care! Why should I care if you humiliate yourself?
Light chuckled to himself at the antics of his rival and was just unwinding when Sayu barged in, telling him there was a strange girl at the door to see him and that she brought him "his lost notebook."
It could only be the Second Kira.
Light grimaced when he laid eyes on his company… dressed like a crack whore.
How utterly ridiculous!
Light shut the door so they could talk freely.
"Hello, I'm Misa Amane," the girl bowed deeply. "I was afraid you'd get worried if you saw that message on TV. I just couldn't take it anymore! So I brought… this notebook."
A Death Note!
Light reached out and touched the notebook and confirmed what he had already guessed when he saw the Shinigami. But those thoughts were quickly blown to the wayside as he gazed upon HER, staring into her golden cat-like eyes. What an amazing creature! Light was stunned by her exotic beauty, the way her purple hair fell around her bone-white face…
Light always was interested in hearing all about the Shinigami realm. It was, after all, the source of his power and Light always found it quite fascinating. It never occurred to him before that he might have a genuine fetish for it. Human girls could never do it for him but this Shinigami female…
She is a perfect angel. An Angel of DEATH…
He wanted her.
As Kira gazed upon her in wonder Rem felt a strange warmth deep within her bones. She had found Kira detestable; he killed so many of his own kind! But for some reason as she locked eyes with the admittedly attractive young human male Rem found she couldn't hate Light Yagami as much as she did before. But she still found his actions appalling—so what had changed?
In a fit of pique Misa stomped her foot and reminded Light and Rem that she still existed. Light distractedly invited her up to his room.
Misa was distraught. Kira was supposed to fall in love with her! So why was he so angry with her? Why was he so suspicious of her? Why was it that he barely even LOOKED at her! And kept staring at Rem…
In a moment of inspiration it all clicked together.
"BOYFRIEND STEALER! SHINIGAMI SLUT!" Misa shrieked and threw her Death Note at Rem in a fit of rage. Of course it phased right through her but Rem looked stunned.
"Misa I—"
"HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU TALK TO REM LIKE THAT?" Light roared
Misa began to cry. "It was supposed to be Me! ME! If I can't have you…"
Misa got out a pen.
"Misa, No! Don't… I—I'll KILL YOU!"
Misa looked shocked and betrayed as Rem snarled out those words, as deadly as words on a notebook's page. They hung in the air, but Rem was unable to take them back.
"If you kill me, you'll die too!" Misa spat hatefully.
Meanwhile as they bickered Light dove for Misa's Death Note, Misa saw what he was doing and rushed in too but Light was faster. He snatched her notebook away from her.
"You will not come between us. NOTHING will come between us!"
"NO! Please don't kill her!" the Shinigami begged.
Light was confused. "You were going to…"
Rem looked pained. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" She didn't know what came over her. Just the idea of living in a world without Light…
Misa ran out weeping; slamming the door behind her.
"Dammit!" Light snapped as he opened the notebook and was about to put pen to paper but Rem laid a hand on the page and looked at him entreatingly. "Please! She's very dear to me."
"I have to! She'll ruin everything! What if she goes to the police?"
"Don't worry about it. She adores you and… and she won't give up that easily." Rem said ominously.
"I'm sorry, Rem but I can't take that ri—"
Rem suddenly realized she no longer felt the pull of the bond she had with Misa. "She's forfeited ownership! When she threw the notebook—she no longer remembers… She can't give away your secrets!"
To Rem's relief Light put down the notebook. "That's for the best, I guess."
"Thank you, Light Yagami." Rem said in almost a whisper as she reached out and caressed his cheek. Light felt something that might just be a smidgeon of sympathy because Rem looked so sad. "She hates me now… but I loved her." Light felt a flash of jealousy. It must have shown because Rem added quickly "But it's a drop in the ocean compared to the love I feel for you."
Light stood up on his tip-toes to kiss her.
Ryuk watched the entire exchange in bemusement and disgust, his fish-like eyes practically bulging out of his skull when Light and Rem began trying to eat each other's faces off.
Woah, how did this happen? Ryuk was confused. He thought for sure Light was infatuated with that L-guy and that Rem preferred the company of human females.
Maybe Rem's confused and doesn't realize that Light's a guy. After all he is very pretty.
"So uh… what gives?"
Light and Rem paused in their impromptu make-out session to glare at the third wheel.
"Leave us!" they snarled in unison.
"I could report you, you know," Ryuk said to Rem. "Having sexual relations with a human is a serious offense."
Rem looked horrified. "No… you wouldn't…" Rem glared at Ryuk in impotent rage. "If you ruin this for me… Whatever they might do to me when I get out…"
"I could just kill Light, too you know."
"Please! Don't!" Rem cried.
Ryuk cackled, now he had something on the senior Shinigami. Light casually picked up what was formerly Misa's Death Note. Ryuk laughed harder. "You can't kill me."
"If you do anything that hurts Rem, I will control all the apple farmers in the world and make them burn their crops."
It was Ryuk's turn to shrink away in terror. "No… NO! Not even you would go that far!"
"Wouldn't I? I just said nothing shall come between us. Do not defy me."
"You know I'll kill you before you could!"
"If you do, I'm sure Rem could finish the job."
Rem nodded in agreement. Though she found killing wantonly distasteful she was sure that this was the only threat that would get Ryuk to back down.
Clever human. Rem thought with great affection.
They both breathed a sigh of relief as Ryuk spread his wings and made a hasty retreat, fleeing the terrifying couple.
"Thank you," Rem whispered. She was about to kiss him again when there was a pounding on the door.
Light sighed and opened it to find his mother; looking concerned.
"What happened?" She demanded. She had seen how that girl ran off crying.
Light cursed that he had forgotten and put all his acting skills into looking distraught that the annoying girl was gone. "We broke up." Light said brokenly. He had already insinuated that she was his girlfriend when she first came to the door.
His mother looked visibly relieved. "I'm sure that you'll find someone better."
Light was sure he already had but kept up his act of looking hurt and dejected.
"Honey, if you need anything…"
"No thanks," Light choked out. "If you don't mind I'd like to be alone for a while…" Perhaps he had overdone it because his mother insisted on hugging him, which was more than awkward, all things considered.
As soon as Light closed the door he and Rem were at each other again. Rem bent over and Light leaned up so that they could kiss each other passionately again. She was much bigger than he was, much taller too. Just kissing her was a challenge (Light never backed down from a challenge…)
Her mouth was dry and tasted of rot but that did nothing to discourage the overpowering feelings he had for his lovely angel (though perhaps he might subtly gift her with breath mints later…) Light groaned as her fangs dragging lightly along the length of his tongue. It was an awkward start as Rem impatiently tore at the buttons of his suit coat and Light didn't seem to realize that Rem was wearing wrappings and armor—that it wasn't all part of her body. Rem feared he was bruising his softer human body. She finally took pity on him, and stopped to undress herself, pulling off her wrappings—her stone breastplate clattered loudly to the floor.
Light winced. "We have to be quiet," Light cautioned. "They'll hear us…"
Rem smiled slyly and put a sharpened talon to his lips. "You mean YOU have to be quiet. They can't hear me. I can be as loud as I want." Rem watched intrigued as a trickle of sweat ran down his cheek—she playfully caught it with her tongue.
Well Light supposed they didn't have to be too quiet anyway. Sound didn't carry well from his room. If his family didn't hear his passionate monologues about killing people and being God of the New World in there then they shouldn't hear him having sex.
Light likewise disrobed, his shirt sliding down his back, his trousers pooling at his feet; he stood before her, unveiling his perfect body, lithe and well-defined, proud and godly with a smile that spoke of sin.
To Rem the human seemed small and fragile but oh so beautiful like Misa (…no. Light was far more beautiful than Misa!) and her protective instinct flared. For all his posturing this beautiful young man was only mortal and Rem wanted to protect him—either way their time together was precious.
After the armor was off Light was able to figure out the rest and took a more active role in unlocking the intricate interlocking clasps of the Shinigami's bra. Rem had all the normal humanoid parts underneath her wrappings, she was large and muscular but definitely female—like an Amazon queen. For some reason Light found that androgynous look to be very sexy. Rem had those purple dual line tattoos like the ones on her face all over her body.
With a slightly trembling hand Light traced the pattern on her shoulders down the expanse of her pale skin she was softer under her armor but she was very solidly built and muscular, there was a whole lot of her to please. (He was young and eager to prove he could.)
Rem's breath hitched as Light's wandering hands lingered on her small breasts, skillfully rubbing his thumbs along the nubs; they felt rock hard and slightly thorny to the touch. He enthusiastically went down on his knees before her and buried his head in her crotch. She tasted dry and dusty, there was no separation from her feminine scent and the smell of death. Light was confused whether it was the former or the latter that excited him so. He was keenly aware of his own erection, rigid and painful. Nothing other than his dreams of Godhood ever got him this horny.
Rem groaned; her claws kneading through his silky hair as the human worked his warm, wet tongue inside of her. Her organs were degraded from lack of use, she typically didn't have a drive for this forbidden thing, but they were still there—Light Yagami succeeded in bringing them back to life or perhaps she wasn't all dead after all, just dormant. She opened for him eagerly. When he paused in his ministrations to look up at her entreatingly she playfully pushed him onto the bed and kissed him deeply, her own taste mingled with his in his mouth.
Light pressed back against her, grabbing her heavy shoulders as he rolled on top of her, and found his way inside. Their lovemaking was very awkward As they tried to shift and get into a position that they would both enjoy. Rem quickly corrected him when he tried to be gentle. She was not a human girl and she needed it hard and deep. No doubt if he tried to drive this hard with another human it would hurt all but the most experienced lover. Not that he ever would, he was hers after all. When he got it right it was fortunate that no one else could hear her.
Rem battered him with her wings as he moved inside her, her claws squeezed his ass. Light grimaced as her talons raked down his back and drew blood.
Rem affectionately regarded the small, warm body that slept against her. He had worn himself out trying to please her. He had prematurely come in a rush, flooding her insides with his seed, and had fallen fast asleep. Rem sighed and finished up by herself. He was, after all, only human. But something about seeing him like this; he looked younger, more alive, more fragile...
"Light Yagami. I will protect you, my love." Rem vowed before she for once also indulged in sleep.
00000
A/N: FOR THE LULZ!
(End Part 1. Working on Part 2 which is filling another request for crack pairings as Misa tries again (and L gets caught in the crosshairs this time).)