A/n: This is the first in a series of lengthy chapters that explore the background and development of Pip's relationships with different members of the team. Each is told from their point of view, in the same way the main story is told from Rossi's. Each is set as an optional extra to a main chapter.
JJ
Should be read during or after Om Rau Part 2. Major spoilers for S9E14 200.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds - Laurell K. Hamilton
"I wasn't sure you'd agree to this," said JJ. She dropped the leather backpack onto the bed and settled its owner gently down next to it. She hadn't been sure at all. It was logical that Pip not be alone, and logical that JJ be the one to stay with her as the senior of the two female agents available. It wasn't like she could stay with Rossi; although after hearing some of language she'd aimed in Rossi's direction, JJ wasn't sure Pip would have wanted to stay with him even if it had been possible. Pip was logical, but she was also stubborn and almost rabidly independent. She hated needing help with anything, and JJ was aware that she hadn't so much agreed to swap with Seaver, as surrendered to it.
Pip just shrugged, the movement limited by the broken rib.
"It feels a bit like you've been avoiding me," JJ added, voicing the biggest problem she thought Pip would have had with her suggestion. She was down-playing it, because she knew for a fact that Pip had been avoiding her. She just didn't know why. Her accusation was met by a flash of shame to go along with the pain already on Pip's face. JJ hadn't needed the confirmation, but the fact that it had been so easily visible meant she was really hurting.
"I've got some heavy painkillers in my bag left over from my torture session with the dentist last month," she commented. JJ clutched her jaw briefly in memory of the pain. She hated going to the dentist, and that trip had been costly because she'd left it so long. The pills had left her dopey and unable to see straight, but had certainly done the job. "You want a couple?" You weren't supposed to just hand them out like candy, but as she had them, it only seemed fair to share.
Pip's eyes narrowed, like she was looking for the mean joke in that honest offer. JJ took a step back. They'd become fairly good friends, in an odd sort of way, but things had been awkward since Pip's return from the dead; starting with that peculiar handshake the first morning she was back in the BAU. JJ still didn't know anything about why she'd vanished and how she'd made it back, and in a weird sort of way, it didn't really feel like the Pip she knew actually was back.
Added to all that, Pip's flat, suspicious expression was really upsetting because she had no idea what she'd done to deserve any of it. "What?" JJ asked, folding her arms defensively. "What's with that look? You want them or not?"
Pip held her gaze for a few more seconds before dropping her eyes to her feet. "Thought I'd told you," she muttered.
Cryptic as ever. At least some things never changed. JJ rolled her eyes and sat down carefully next to her, the tired old bed giving a creak in protest at having both of them sat on the same side. "Told me what?"
"I used to have a problem with pills." Pip shook her head. "I won't take anything stronger than ibuprofen."
"I've got some of that too," JJ said softly. She exhaled heavily to try and conceal her shock. The subject of drug addiction had certainly never been raised between them, and considering what they'd been doing perhaps it really ought to have been. She stood and gave Pip's shoulder a gentle squeeze before turning to rummage in her bag, wondering what else she didn't know about her friend.
"Thanks," murmured Pip, when JJ handed her the small bottle.
"Recommended dose is two…" JJ trailed off as Pip shook out six and dry-swallowed them. "Never mind," she muttered ruefully.
Pip handed back the painkillers with an apologetic shrug. "Sorry, I thought you knew."
"No, I didn't. And I don't know why you've been avoiding me either." Having returned the bottle to its place in her bag, JJ sat back down on the bed, lounging back on her elbows to get more comfortable. "Was it something I did?"
"No!" exclaimed Pip, groaning at the deep breath she'd taken. "No, it wasn't," she repeated more carefully.
"Then what?" asked JJ. She was starting to get really frustrated, it had never been so hard to talk to Pip before; at least once her sarcasm reflex had been satisfied. She'd not expected to have to interrogate her to get some answers. "What am I supposed to think? You don't talk to me now unless you absolutely have to. We only had each other while we were in Afghanistan, I thought…" She stopped as Pip cringed involuntarily. "It isn't me at all, is it?" she said slowly, starting to understand.
Pip shook her head. "I should have been there," she whispered. "That ambush. It's my fault you…I should have been there."
JJ sat up and scooted forward to lay her hand on Pip's arm. "You were there." Everyone had 20/20 hindsight - as soon as she had seen Pip alive and well back in the BAU, she knew who it had been protecting her in that firefight. At the time, with dust and bullets and shards of metal flying about in all directions, all she'd had been aware of was two men taking aim at her suddenly dropping dead. Somehow Pip had been there, just like she'd always promised to be if needed, and she'd saved her life. She knew that, without needing to be told.
"I should have known about him."
"Askari pulled the wool neatly over all our eyes," disputed JJ. "He…"
"It was my fucking job," hissed Pip, "and I failed. I should have been lying in wait for that ambush, not chasing you across the landscape trying to keep up," insisted Pip, condemning her own actions and confirming JJ's assumption all in one breath. She shook off JJ's hand. "I should have stopped it. Stopped him. If I hadn't left in the first place, maybe I could have done."
JJ had no answer to that. Pip had gone off for days at a time on several occasions, she couldn't see why that last one had been any different. Yet she wanted to agree, simply because the miscarriage caused by the injuries she'd sustained hadn't been easy to bear alone. Without Pip at her back, she felt very exposed and very lonely as she tried to work through her grief. She hadn't even got as far as telling Will she was pregnant before she wasn't any more, and she had longed for someone to talk to. She and Pip had become quite close having been thrust together on their secretive mission, and that longing had only sharpened the existing heartache over the loss of the woman she'd only started to get to know.
Perhaps if Pip hadn't gone missing, things might have been different. Maybe. But her safety had never been Pip's objective, that had been something unofficial Pip had taken upon herself to do; there was nothing to say Pip could have done anything to stop the ambush. There was no guarantee things wouldn't have turned out just the same even if she hadn't left on another of her secretive excursions.
"It's done," JJ said firmly. "Neither of us can change what happened." She stood, and started fiddling with her go-bag, needing something to occupy her hands.
"It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy," Pip choked out through rising tears, "and you were my friend!"
"You are still my friend," retorted JJ sternly. "Once you get off the guilt train and start actually talking to me again."
"I lost a baby too," said Pip into the long silence that developed.
JJ paused. She'd been fussily folding and re-folding her clothes to play for time. She'd known it was on the other woman's mind, another parallel between them. There were many, for all that their lives couldn't have been more different. One didn't have to be a profiler to see it, and with her training fresh in her thoughts, it was as clear as day. She had purposely let the silence develop, a vacuum too great to ignore, because Pip seemed to be in a strangely talkative mood and she wanted to know what was going on.
Yet JJ hadn't really expected to work, because Pip was usually far too wily to be snared by a tactic so simple. She'd expected to have to dig a little. Or quite a lot, actually. For Pip to open up so easily about something so deeply personal was unusual, and more than a little troubling. It had taken months of chatting over their coffee in the desert before she had first shared snippets of personal information such as that, about what happened to her in Chicago and what she'd lost.
"I know, Pip, you don't have to…" JJ started.
"Yes, I do!" interrupted Pip. "I was supposed to protect you! I promised myself I would, and then I went off on a vengeance crusade and it nearly got you killed. You lost the baby! I know what that's like, how can I live with that?"
Vengeance? What on Earth? JJ spun to face her. "Pip…"
"JJ, listen to me," interrupted Pip, grabbing her arm and pulling her down to sit on the bed next to her. "I need you to understand."
JJ nodded uneasily, wondering what it was she was about to hear. She'd asked, provoked the subject even, but was suddenly unsure if she really wanted to know after all. "Ok, I'm listening," she said warily.
"You know I was in the marines, right?"
JJ nodded again, a little more confidently. Everyone knew that, and she probably knew more than most about that part of Pip's life.
"It started during my first visit to that place." Pip sighed a little. "Feels like lifetimes ago. We were just passing through, hoping for some intel, but mostly just on the way home." She managed a twisted sort of smile. "We weren't looking for anything, not really. We were due back Stateside, finally rotating home and that was all we were focussed on. But I heard things. I knew the language, it was why I was there. I could hear people muttering furtively in corners, conversations in the shadows. They whispered together, wondering if they told the Americans, they would deal with the predator in their midst. But they were scared. Scared of talking openly about what was happening, scared of reprisal, scared of pretty much everything. They were such nice people, but downtrodden into the dirt so badly, and it was heartbreaking. I couldn't stand it."
JJ grabbed Pip's hand, concerned about the look on her friend's face. She couldn't see the connection with their recent time there together, but as bad as it sounded already, it looked like it had a dark and bloody end.
Pip let out a watery sigh that hitched in the middle and set her jaw against the tears. She shot their linked hands a grateful glance, validating JJ's suspicions about how troubled she was. "They didn't know who it was, but I did. I knew what he was, as soon as I laid eyes on him. I met a man like him once, when I was a teenager. A child-raper with a taste for boys. I knew those eyes. It was a different face, but the eyes were the same, set on the visage of a man who used an area in thrall to fear and religious oppression to hide his crimes."
JJ shuddered. There was nothing so horrendous as the sexual violation of a child.
"I was young and green, so I offered my help," said Pip bitterly. "I told them I'd report it, but would quite honestly say I'd overheard, rather than them risking reprisal by speaking up. And I did. I told my CO, just like I said I would."
She sighed and shook her head. "I was informed rather briskly to leave it alone; that it wasn't our business and we shouldn't intrude on local law enforcement procedures. Ha!" Pip winced. "Ooh, shouldn't do that. Ow. Local justice, my ass!" she muttered, clutching her side. "Money could buy innocence and the religious police were terrifying everyone into subservient doormats. There was no justice there and we both knew he would get away with it. Stupid woman."
"Hamilton?" asked JJ, having put the timescale together. She squeezed Pip's hand to forestall the question she could see building on her face. "I was given a redacted copy of your file as background before I flew out to join you."
Pip grunted. "Should have known. Be grateful it was redacted, trust me, there's things you're better off not knowing." She nodded. "Yeah, it was Hamilton. Trouble was, according to our terms of engagement, technically, we had no cause to intervene and she acted correctly. Doesn't mean it was right," she added with a hiss. "If the rules are wrong, you break them!"
JJ sniggered a little. "You've never been good with orders, have you? How the hell did you end up a marine, join the CIA and then the Bureau?"
"I'm a masochist." Pip shot her a sideways glance and cracked a genuine smile when JJ laughed. "Actually, I had help; if you can call it that. However, I need at least half a bottle of wine down me before you're hearing that particular saga."
"I'll hold you to that," noted JJ. "Count on it. Back to Afghanistan. What happened?"
"Nothing," said Pip heavily. "We moved on. But I threatened him, before we left. I knew where I was going by that point, so I told him that one day, we would meet again for the last time. He just grinned at me." Pip hung her head. "When you went back to help find Emily, I went to find him. I couldn't resist going back there, I had to go. I had to see if he was still alive, to see if he was still just as sick, just as depraved." She balled her hands into fists of frustrated anger. "I caught him red-handed with a group of boys," she growled, "none taller than my hip."
Pip let out her breath carefully in a long, slow hiss. "I lost my temper," she said more calmly. "I mean, really lost it. I don't completely remember what I did. All I do know, is that it was a frenzy instead of a neat, quiet little ambush like I've been trained. By the time I could think again, we were in the main street surrounded by locals and there was blood everywhere. One of the boys had raised the alarm and the whole village had come out to see what all the fuss was about. Then the crowd thanked me while he dripped down my arms, as if I hadn't left him there with them in the first place!"
JJ carefully wrapped her arm around her and let Pip bury her face in her shoulder. Well, that certainly put a different colour on things, didn't it? She thought Pip had left on another intelligence-gathering expedition. Instead, led by emotions she'd so thoroughly repressed in every other manner while she was out there, she had left to stop a criminal and utterly lost herself to bloodlust.
"Halfway there, me and the kid got a flat tyre," mumbled Pip into JJ's blouse. "We'd just got it changed out for the spare when someone opened fire on us. He died of sat phone wounds to the face and neck when the battery exploded. It must have been a tracer round, I guess, but I couldn't stop to find out. I had to leave him dead by the side of the road and run for it." She sighed. "I knew I wouldn't be able to call in, but I couldn't turn back. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I'd made it, when you returned, but by then I had suspicions that the problem with information flow was internal. All the time my handlers thought I was dead, nobody was watching me."
Another innocent death on her conscience as a result of her going rogue. Pip couldn't save the children the paedophile had assaulted in the intervening years, but she'd saved any future children suffering the same fate. Aside from her distress at losing control, Pip was suffering crippling guilt over the perceived inequality in that transaction: she'd saved many children, but felt that by doing so she'd been unable to save JJ's unborn child. Was there no end to the guilt Pip was carrying around with her? Were all intelligence assets so complicated? JJ was starting to get a headache trying to keep up with it all, and the tears pouring down her face weren't helping.
She had often wondered what had happened to Pip, but regardless of how recklessly emotional her reasons for leaving had been, her decision to remain hidden on her return was rational and even commendable. Despite how much it had hurt others like herself and Rossi to think that she was dead. By the time JJ had returned to Afghanistan, having spoken to Emily about how badly it was going, she had also suspected the leak was from the inside. In the same circumstances, she knew she might have made the same decision: to stay under, out of contact. JJ squeezed Pip's hand and reached over for a packet of tissues. "We're quite alike, aren't we?" she sniffled, breaking out in a small rueful smile.
She meant that she understood what Pip had done, but worn out as she was, more than just tired from their two days in the field, JJ realised she'd spoken the exact truth. They were very alike, right down to their rebellious tendencies and a dislike of avocados. It was why they'd ended up friends in the first place.
Pip raised her head and one corner of her mouth lifted in a smile. "I've never been a narcissist but I knew there was a reason I liked you," she quipped. She managed a soggy sort of laugh, punctuated by another groan of pain. "I'm sick of getting shot at," she complained, wiping her eyes with the tissue JJ gave her.
"Aren't we all?" commented JJ drily. "I'm not going to judge you, Pip," she added more seriously, as they both dried themselves off. "You're my friend and you saved my life. We both made it, that's good enough for me," she said firmly. "Come on, I'll help you get your dirty shirt off so you can have a shower."
Pip seemed to be just as eager to let the subject drop. "Oh, yes please," she said, wincing as she stood up. "I'm not sure what was worse: the filth on the floor of that barn or the filth in that guy's mind."
The bruising on Pip's side was spectacular when it was revealed, even in the somewhat dingy light of the bathroom. "Now that's gotta hurt. How are you even vertical still?" wondered JJ aloud as she helped Pip out of her shirt.
"Practice," replied Pip shortly. "I need you to undo the Twins for me too, I can't twist around to reach."
"I meant to ask about these," remarked JJ, as she did so. "I thought they were just for while we were in Afghanistan."
Pip shook her head, teeth gritted as JJ carefully peeled the straps away. "All…the time," she grunted. "I am…what I am."
"A spy with a conscience?" joked JJ. "Whatever next?" She drew in a sharp breath as she looked at the furrowed skin left behind. Where the round had hit the vest, it had smashed the bindings into Pip's side with incredible force. "You should have taken them off before you put a vest on," she said reprovingly, "they've dug in, even broken the skin a little. I thought you saw a doctor?" she added sternly.
"Don't like doctors," Pip murmured cagily, nibbling her lower lip.
JJ ramped up the volume on what Will termed her "pissed-off Momma-bear" expression, all the way to max.
"He gave me a local round the break, that wore off hours ago. I didn't show him the rest," Pip eventually admitted under the weight of that glare.
"You never change, do you?" snapped JJ. "Always want to deal with everything yourself! It doesn't have to be that way."
"Habit," Pip mumbled defensively.
"Well, it's about time you broke it." JJ shook her head. "Be glad it's just the belts, can you imagine if you carried a knife that side?" She sighed heavily, trying to rein in her temper. "You're not going to be able to wear blades for a while."
Pip turned to get a better look in the tiny bathroom's grimy mirror and grimaced at the livid marks that framed the blooming bruise over her broken rib. "You're probably right," she conceded.
"About many things," said JJ pointedly, "we are alike, after all." She was pleased when Pip finally nodded in return, accepting the rebuke. "You want any help with the rest?"
Pip hesitated. "Actually, yeah," she admitted finally. "Probably with all of it."
That told JJ everything about just how much pain she was in. She nodded, and set about helping Pip get clean with as little fuss and embarrassment as possible.
"I don't hold you responsible," JJ said quietly as she helped Pip dress for bed. It was the same gentle tone she used with Henry when she was tucking him in at night. "So you shouldn't. There's enough blame around without you inventing some more and I think you've paid enough already," she reassured her.
She meant the meaning behind the .22 casing Pip had gifted her with, the elephant in the room they'd carefully ignored by unspoken agreement; but what she'd seen in the bathroom made that comment more sympathy than simple acknowledgement.
She'd been able to be clinical about it, helping Pip in the shower, but that hadn't stopped JJ wondering over the roadmap of scars that littered the body she was washing. She recognised a few, like the bullet wounds Pip had shown her before, the line of five across her body like a sash, and the knife wound on Pip's right thigh, dangerously close to the femoral artery. JJ had sewn that one up herself, a night that would certainly stay in memory for many years to come.
But there were plenty of others she'd never seen before, like the fresh gunshot furrow on her left shoulder. JJ couldn't count them all and still be subtle and compassionate about it, so she hadn't tried. She'd felt a kinship with her: some of Pip's battle scars showed on the outside, whereas all hers were internal. And yet, helping Pip satisfied some urge to repay the protection she'd provided.
"Did you clean your teeth?" JJ asked absently.
"Yes, mom," said Pip with a smirk. Her face fell. "Sorry, I didn't mean…"
JJ flapped a hand in dismissal. "I know," she said, smiling a little ruefully. "Will says the same thing. I can't believe I actually said that, but a mom is something you become, I think. I woke up one morning and the sound of my mother came out of my own mouth. I can't even swear properly anymore. Last time I said "fuck" Henry repeated it to everyone he met for about a month, so I've developed this kind of internal censorship to bleep out the expletives before I can even think them." She laughed. "You try swearing in adult company when the worst thing you can come up with is "oh bother"."
Pip managed a pained-looking snigger. "If I ever get to the point that I can't swear, you have my permission to shoot me."
"And yet you've been remarkably restrained since you got here," noted JJ. She cocked her head curiously. "You never wanted to come in the first place, did you? And not just because you're carrying a load of blame that doesn't belong to you."
"No," said Pip shortly. "I gave Dave a piece of my mind already."
"We heard," drawled JJ with a smirk. "Puppets and crayons? Really?"
Pip managed a smile, stifling the laugh with a careful deep breath. "Best I could come up with at short notice. I spent the flight out inventing creative ways to murder him that you wouldn't be able to trace back to me. I was so busy with that, I hadn't thought about what I was actually going to say to him."
"I can't say I entirely disagree with what he did," noted JJ. "We did need you."
"Me? Who is me? I'm just a shadow," whispered Pip.
"A shadow?" queried JJ, although she thought she might understand a little. Will didn't know what she'd been doing, who she'd become, the things she was responsible for. The deaths she was responsible for.
"A ghost, moving through a world of real people. Nobody sees the same thing, I change to reflect what they need to see, hide in plain sight." Pip shook her head. "I hate what field work does to me, I always did. I have to shut away part of myself in order to function, and I can hear that part screaming whenever I have to hurt someone. I feel like I lose my humanity."
JJ narrowed her eyes. "Does Rossi know why you hate field work?"
Pip averted her gaze. "Sort of," she muttered.
Which meant "no". JJ ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "Pip, you…" A knock at the door interrupted her. "Bet you any money, that's Rossi checking up on you," said JJ as she crossed the tiny room to the door. "You want me to let him in?"
Pip shook her head frantically and JJ sighed. They'd worked closer together in the BAU than the rest of the team realised, but before Afghanistan they had never really been friends. For the most part, their friendship had begun as one of circumstance. A familiar face in an ocean of dust and sand. Not that JJ had recognised her, at first.
Given Pip's role in what they'd been doing, both officially and unofficially, JJ had deferred to her to an extent. Pip was a little older, and had seen more than she had. She knew the area and had quite firmly told JJ that she planned to provide overwatch protection as often as she was able, in addition to her real reason for being there. In those circumstances, it was logical to look up to her and JJ had done so gladly.
But the Pip who'd been part of the BAU, that boisterous sarcastic spitfire, hadn't been the Pip in Afghanistan. That Pip was coldly calculating, ruthless, and came with a wide streak of almost casual violence that could be more than a little frightening. Several times, she'd arrived at one of their early morning check-ins battered and bruised or covered in someone else's blood. Or both. Two hours later a report would arrive of a trespasser killed in the night, or of a local cell member with his throat cut. Pip never mentioned it, and JJ never asked.
She would do exactly as she been instructed, regardless of the state Pip arrived in. She'd set up the secure satellite uplink she'd been entrusted with, and let Pip pass on anything she'd found. Relevant intel was channelled back to JJ and Cruz through Hastings. That was how the information flowed, filtered through the layers until they had something actionable by adding up every little morsel. The resources used to hunt Bin Laden were wide and far-ranging, and had included the uncharacteristically talkative woman huddled on the bed behind her.
They'd got talking, properly talking, one morning over coffee and after that, those check-ins had turned into more than just an information download and confirmation of Pip's continued existence. It was two friends trying to survive the task ahead of them, against the odds and the hostile situation they'd found themselves in. JJ got into the habit of getting up early on days Pip was due so she could have a coffee ready for when she arrived, sneaking into camp while the guards were on last watch. Pip would crack a smile as she slipped in the door, pleased to see her. Although JJ had always privately wondered if the smile was more for the coffee than it was for her.
They would talk over their coffee. JJ would tell Pip news of home, Pip would offer pointed and sometimes witty insights into what she described. They would laugh, softly and quietly so as not to alert others that JJ wasn't alone. They bonded, partly because they were stuck in the desert with nobody else to talk to, but also because they had enough in common for it to be inevitable.
It was during one of those mornings that Pip had finally revealed the depth of her relationship, for lack of a better word at the time, with Rossi. She still dreamed of the broken look on Rossi's face when she'd told him the news of Pip's death, and those thoughts always led her mind back to the last time she'd spoken to Pip before she disappeared.
March 2011. Afghanistan.
JJ closed the door to her quarters, such as they were, shutting the rising dust storm outside. The wind whistled around the ill-fitting frame, bringing the dust with it. The door didn't keep the dust out, nothing kept the damn dust out. The only time she felt clean anymore was in her own shower in the States. She'd only be back in country a matter of hours and she could already feel the environment had made its irritating way into her clothes, chafing at the seams and helped along by an abrasive wind that felt like a hug with a hot sandblaster. It had been a long uncomfortable flight and the only thought on her mind was a drink to wash the grit from her mouth and a few hours rack-time before getting back to work.
She'd barely taken a step inside when a strong hand gripped her throat firmly and something sharp dug into her ribs, perfectly placed to slip between them and pierce her heart. "Welcome back," said a familiar voice, inches from her ear.
JJ stuffed a hand in her mouth to stifle the scream that would otherwise have brought dozens of armed marines running to her rescue, and fought to escape. "You scared me!" she hissed angrily, when Pip released her.
Pip nodded, flashing a cruel smile reminiscent of a rat trap. "Next time, you'll be more observant," she said pointedly. "Won't you?" She cocked her head reprovingly. "You've got sloppy in the time you were tucked up safely in the Pentagon."
JJ growled and swung her bag threateningly at her, a gesture the older woman evaded fluidly without actually seeming to move. JJ huffed with frustration and turned away to throw her bag down on her bunk. "Did you at least bring coffee, or just lurk about in the shadows waiting to attack me?" she snapped out through clenched teeth.
Pip was right, that was the most irritating thing about it. She specialised in the element of surprise, using stealth to achieve far more than her stature would otherwise allow. It was why she was so good at what she did. She drilled JJ relentlessly on her awareness, and JJ knew she shouldn't have been caught so off guard. It wasn't like it was the first time Pip had jumped out on her to make a point.
"Stole you a pot from the mess," replied Pip airily, seating herself on the only chair and casually hoisting her boots to rest on JJ's desk. "Help yourself. I'll wait."
Heart still pounding with fright and fury, JJ grabbed her mug in a grip so hard her knuckles went white; fighting desperately against the adrenaline-fuelled impulse to hurl it at her surprise visitor. Sometimes she wondered how they'd become friends, because Pip drove her absolutely crazy. She shut her eyes and hung her head, taking slow deep breaths to force herself to calm down.
There was no point being angry at Pip because it would only bounce straight back off and be ignored. It was like she had armour or something, and it made ranting at her incredibly unsatisfying. With no reaction, it just felt like you were a toddler having a tantrum. Pip would wait calmly until you felt stupid enough to stop and then simply continue on like nothing had happened. It had only taken two episodes before JJ realised it was simpler, not to mention less embarrassing, to just not give in to her temper in the first place.
She poured herself a coffee, uneasily wondering if she ought to lay off the caffeine if her suspicions were warranted. When she turned around, Pip was deep in concentration, cleaning dried blood from under her fingernails with a familiar long-bladed knife. At least she'd washed off the rest, whoever's it had been.
JJ had been Stateside for nearly a month, and she ran keen eyes over her friend, trying to see if Pip had any new injuries she wasn't going to tell her about. There didn't seem to be anything other than an odd mark on her face that she couldn't immediately identify, and she finally relaxed. She wouldn't be needing the emergency medical supplies she'd been hoarding. Not this time, anyway.
"You need me to unpack that?" she asked, gesturing vaguely towards the locked trunk containing the communications kit Pip would use to report home.
Pip rolled her eyes. "I sneak in here when you're not around and do it by myself if I need to. I don't need waiting on."
Somewhat relieved she wouldn't have to start work right away, JJ smiled faintly and sank down onto what passed for a mattress in a military camp. She took a swig of the coffee and for a moment struggled to swallow it. It seemed that Pip had been unable to steal a fresh pot, because "stewed" was a gross understatement. She couldn't be choosey, it was that or nothing, but it tasted like there might be a corroded spoon at the bottom. It did nothing to ease the dustiness of her throat, instead lining her mouth with what felt like a layer of coffee-flavoured tar. It certainly made the prospect cutting down or giving up caffeine a lot easier. JJ set the mug aside. "You're not supposed to be able to chew it," she complained.
"It's character-building," said Pip. "Puts hairs on your chest."
"Yes, that's what I'm worried about," muttered JJ, "it's barely one step away from chemical warfare."
Pip grunted, almost breaking out in a smile.
JJ reached into the top of her bag to see if there was a swallow left in the water bottle Will had given her before she left the house. Thankfully, there was. "So, what have I missed?" she asked, once she'd unglued her mouth. The water had been warm, but had at least cleared the thick residue from her tongue.
"Not a lot. Dust storms, shit food and no real progress. Strauss tries to throw her weight around every now and then, but they've all learned to ignore her like we do at home. It's not like she's here that much, just often enough to make some noise about how important the work she's doing is, before flying back to her feather bed in DC." Pip tutted dismissively. "I dream of how much fun it would be to creep up on her and point out that that she's not the one working hard."
"Strauss would have a seizure if she knew how she'd been manipulated," JJ disagreed. "It was bad enough that my transfer went over her head. She was so pleased to get rid of you, I don't think she'd take it well, knowing you're out here on double hazard pay. I dealt with some of the paperwork; I'm sure as she signed it, she was gleefully fantasising of a tiny basement office you'd be condemned to, a pauper never to see the light of day again."
Pip grinned wolfishly. "Exactly."
JJ tried to keep a straight face, she really did. She couldn't always tell when Pip was joking, but even the mental image of Strauss's probable indignation was funny. Strauss just wasn't likeable, and it was so tempting to laugh. JJ shook her head and banished the smile. "What else?"
Pip raised her eyes from her task, the knife pausing its trip around the circumference of her thumbnail. "I've seen some other things around here, as I creep about in the shadows unnoticed…and occasionally swapping Strauss's sugar sachets for salt just to keep myself amused." She smirked unrepentantly as JJ tutted with disapproval. "Matt's in love with you. He watches your ass like it's the best show in history."
JJ laughed. She couldn't help it. "You're kidding." Mateo Cruz was a nice guy, but not even close to what she found attractive in a man. Pip shook her head and JJ's amusement faded. Ok, so she wasn't kidding. "How can you possibly know that?" she disputed. "Come on, it's not like he has many other women to look at."
"Like Strauss, you mean? I understand your scepticism." Pip huffed a mocking laugh, before shaking her head. "Trust me, I can always see it. It's…part of my skill set, you might say. You want a list of hard evidence to go along with the intuition?"
JJ nodded her agreement. She might as well play along; Pip was in one of her strange moods, so she was going to hear the list either way. No point in delaying the inevitable. Pip was like a storm: sometimes you just had to stand back and let nature it do its thing.
"He can't take his eyes off your face when you speak. If it was only lust, his gaze would be a little lower down." Pip patted her own chest, flattened under a binder and camouflaged with a baggy smock. With her curves and womanly assets hidden, tightly braided hair tucked up underneath a taqiyah and her unremarkable battle-worn face, Pip could pass for male in poor light; until she was close enough for her features to be clear. Of course, by that time she was in striking range and if you were a threat, you were probably already dead and just didn't know it yet.
"That's not…" JJ started to protest.
Pip shook her head and shushed her with an imperious flap of the hand. "He mopes about like a kicked dog every time you go home, and he flinches a little bit every time Will's name is mentioned. You should have seen the look on his face when you stepped off the transport plane. Like all his Christmases had come at once." She grinned humourlessly. "Could be worse, could be Askari. At least Hastings is too in love with himself to notice anyone else."
Hastings was a bit of a dick, but JJ had met nicer things under damp stones than Askari. She groaned. Pip was out there with her because she specialised in intelligence gathering, so she was probably right, as awkward as it might be. The last thing she needed was Matt Cruz in love with her, especially if the pregnancy hormones did the same thing as they'd done last time. Nine months of being perpetually horny hadn't been exactly fun, no matter what that might sound like. "You were at the airstrip?" she asked, trying to shove thoughts of both Cruz and her possible condition out of her mind.
Pip rolled her eyes again. "Of course I was. Actually, I had a nice couple of hours safe snooze in a container full of netting while I waited for you to land." The knife gestured to the overlapping cross-hatch markings on her face. "Hence the interesting sunburn."
"I've got some aftersun in my bag somewhere," offered JJ, "you want me to dig it out?"
Pip shrugged, about the closest to "yes please" JJ was going to get. She started rummaging through her bag, stilling briefly as her fingers brushed across the cardboard box of the home pregnancy test she'd bought.
"Here," she said, thrusting the small bottle into Pip's hand. "It says all skin types, but you might want to test a small… never mind," she finished resignedly, as Pip flipped open the lid and poured a careless dollop directly onto her cheek. She tossed the bottle negligently back in JJ's direction.
JJ caught it easily and sat fidgeting with it, turning it over and over in her hands as Pip smeared the aftersun around. "You didn't have to lay in uncertain cover just to watch me arrive, surely?"
Pip glared at her. Even with a tic-tac-toe grid on her face, it was still intimidating. "You think I'm going to let you wander about in the open without me watching if I can possibly help it? I told you, all the time I can, I will be."
JJ nodded, smiling a little. "I know." It was incredibly reassuring actually, knowing that Pip had her back. One person she knew she could trust, no matter what. Trust…truth… Her mind's eye saw the unopened test in her bag. Truth, one way or the other. That uncertainty…she was late, but without the morning sickness, could it just be down to stress? It wasn't like the job was easy, but despite her initial reservations, she was thriving on the challenge. It would change everything…
Pip swung her feet off the desk and leaned forward to peer intently at her face. "JJ, what's wrong?"
It had been a while since Pip had been anywhere near a shower, or even deodorant, but when she leant over all JJ could smell was the lotion on her face. It was a smell of home, a smell associated with Will and Henry and she could feel the sharp stab of homesickness like a spear through her womb. "I think I'm pregnant," she whispered, and buried her face in her hands. It felt good to tell someone, but the tears were hot and scalding, like a punishment.
There was a moment's silence. "Do I congratulate or commiserate?" asked Pip, smirking when JJ looked up at her angrily. "Congratulate then," she said drily. "Well done. Now stop fucking about and find out for sure."
JJ wiped her eyes, the tears vanishing as quickly as they arrived. If that wasn't a definitive sign she was pregnant, she didn't know what was. Pip's brusque unemotional response was familiar, expected and yet somehow comforting. She didn't waste words and could be quite harsh when she wanted to be, but JJ always knew her sometimes brutal manner was meant in the right way.
"I've got a test in my bag," she admitted. "I just haven't had the courage to find out for definite." JJ retrieved the box from her bag and then hesitated. It was what she wanted, but it was such damned inconvenient timing.
"I'll stay with you," Pip informed her, exactly as JJ had hoped but not quite dared ask for.
She headed out into the swirling dust towards the sanitation hut to perform the required urinary gymnastics. Honestly, why did they make it so blasted difficult? It wasn't like it would have been easy even if she had a bit more room to manoeuvre. Good exercise for her pelvic floor muscles anyway. Feeling rather pleased with herself for not peeing all over her hand, JJ slipped back into her quarters and managed to dodge Pip when she tried to wrap an arm around her neck.
"Better," said Pip with a satisfied nod, and JJ felt like she'd just won a medal.
There were a few more tears as the two lines developed on the stick, although they were happier ones than before. They were accompanied by a rare hug from Pip in celebration. After trying for about a year, Henry was going to have a sibling and JJ found herself more pleased than she thought she'd be.
"Why were you hiding in my rack?" she asked, having hidden the incriminating test out of sight at the bottom of her bag. "Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased to see you, but if you don't need to use the uplink, then what do you need? I know better than to think you're simply checking up on me."
There was a flash of hurt on Pip's face, quickly concealed under her usual professional mask, and JJ backtracked. "Pip, I didn't mean…"
Pip waved her knife dismissively and resumed the task of cleaning her nails, as if the brief hint of emotion had never been there. "Two things. I'm taking another trip, next time you go home. Two days there, two days back, probably two or three days on target. I'll use the automated check-in like usual, which reminds me, I'm going to swipe a sat phone this evening, mine came to a rather ignominious end yesterday. One of those armour-plated spiders tried to bunk down with me again and I twatted it with the first rock that came to hand." She shrugged. "Fucking thing was perched on my phone, it's like it knew I'd kill that too."
Pip rolled her eyes as JJ coughed to suppress the laugh. "Your sympathy with my arachnophobia is noted and appreciated," she said dryly. "Anyway, I need you to get me some full-cover female clothing in the local style because all mine is ripped to shit and covered in spider guts and fuck-knows-what else, and some papers giving me and my son permission to travel."
JJ stilled, the mirth evaporating in an instant. "Your son? Pip, what…"
"Less you know the better," interrupted Pip shortly. "On behalf of my country, I'm going to ingratiate myself with a group of nice trusting people, use them and betray them. I've found a young lad willing to take my money, and he's going to be my legally required travelling companion in case we get stopped on the road." The fixed, set expression worried JJ no end, because as plausible and awful as all that sounded, she didn't think Pip was telling her the truth.
Pip stood up, the knife vanishing under her clothing apparently without her moving a muscle. It was a magic trick JJ had seen before, yet she still had no idea how it was achieved. She knew Pip carried at least two knives secreted somewhere about her person, and had gifted JJ with a small boot knife on her arrival in theatre so it was reasonable to assume she had one of those as well.
"Second thing," started Pip, turning so JJ couldn't see her face.
"That was two things already," objected JJ teasingly, glad when Pip spun back to face her. Even the best profiler in the world couldn't do much with only a rigid set of shoulders to work with, and she wasn't exactly a profiler. "Three if I get you the sat phone before you rouse camp by stealing one." The dust got them, too. Every week or so one would keel over, clogged to the gills with grit. It would be easy enough to fake…
Pip examined her thoughtful expression. "Ok, third, or possibly fourth thing, depending on the success of the sneaky plan I can see you're concocting." She laughed a little ruefully. "I've been a bad influence on you. Just keep it simple." She turned away again. "I, um, I need a favour. A big one, of a…" She cleared her throat, looking oddly nervous even in profile, "…a more personal nature."
"Of course," JJ agreed instantly. Pip's slightly mocking glance rescinded her hard-won approval for the side-step earlier. Pip never agreed to anything without knowing what she was getting in for, and held JJ to the same standard. "What?" she objected. "I'm going to do it anyway, you know that as well as I do." JJ grinned cheekily. "You're a handy person to be able to call in a favour with."
Pip nodded but didn't smile, which set off more alarms in JJ's mind. "I need you to… I need you to promise to tell, ah, someone, if…" Pip shrugged. "Well, y'know."
JJ blinked. That certainly hadn't been any of the likely possibilities she'd come up with. Pip had no family, which meant... "You've got a…a partner?" She stumbled over how to phrase it, what word to use. She didn't know her well enough to just assume it was a boyfriend, and Pip was already skittish enough about telling her without inadvertently mis-gendering her romantic other. "I thought you said you weren't seeing anyone?" she asked cautiously.
Pip grimaced. "I…we're…it's complicated," she finished lamely, starting to pace up and down. "He's…we're friends and as I left to come out here, we realised it was more." She shook her head. "I pushed him away and I wish I hadn't," she blurted. "If something happens to me, he needs to know. I love him JJ, and I never told him."
JJ's heart went out to the grubby woman prowling the tiny space like a caged tiger. She knew what it was like to be thousands of miles away from the man she loved, but at least she could go home and see him regularly. She caught Pip's arm as she passed. "Of course I'll tell him. How much does he know about..." she gestured to their cramped, dusty surroundings, "…this?"
"Next to nothing, other than my role in the DoD being a backstopped cover story." Pip snorted with bitter humour. "I'm sure that's driving him batshit with frustration. He doesn't know about you or anything about what either of us is doing here."
In other words, only a tiny bit more than Will knew. Will didn't know where she was when she wasn't in DC. "Not that I think you're going anywhere anytime soon, but are you going to tell me the name of this mystery man?" quizzed JJ, oddly pleased to see the faint blush rising on Pip's usually emotionless face. "It's a little hard to deliver a message with no recipient."
Pip muttered something in reply that JJ couldn't immediately make sense of. "Who?" she asked again, sure she'd mis-heard.
"Dave," repeated Pip more clearly, folding her arms defensively.
Dave. Dave? How many Daves did she know? JJ wracked her brains trying to think of someone they both knew, other than the first person that had immediately sprung to mind. There was no one. "Dave as in Rossi?" she asked incredulously. "But you two fight like wet cats in a sack!"
"I think provided I get back, that energy is going to be re-directed," replied Pip with a smug smirk.
JJ laughed and Pip joined in. So carefree in that moment of friendly teasing, JJ was utterly unprepared for Pip to grab her and slam her hand over her mouth. "Quiet," she breathed in JJ's ear. "Someone's outside."
Suspicious at first that Pip had made it up in order to avoid explaining how she and Rossi had become…whatever they were, JJ strained her ears. At the very edge of hearing, the faint crackle of grit under the soles of someone's shoes filtered through from the other side of the door. JJ wasn't sure how Pip had heard it over their merriment, but she was glad she had; despite the lost opportunity to satisfy her curiosity. Pip's presence was a secret kept from all but a few selected individuals, and their moment of carelessness could have had far-reaching consequences for their mission's potential of success.
They listened, Pip having relaxed her hold but apparently unwilling to let go of JJ entirely. Footsteps moved slowly away, and they both let out a relieved breath.
"Too close," murmured Pip. "I've got to go before someone comes looking for you. I'm too old to be hiding under your bed."
"Not what you said last time," JJ said with a smirk.
Pip's face transformed with the most genuine smile JJ had seen since their transfer. It brightened her, making her seem younger, more like the woman she'd been before they were dragged out to the desert together. "No. I never thanked you for that, did I? Thank you, I really appreciated it."
JJ frowned, wondering where that sudden burst of gratitude had come from. She caught Pip's arm as she turned to leave. "Be careful," she pleaded, unsure why she was so concerned about Pip's safety.
Pip nodded, the familiar chilly expression already firmly back in place. She was gone before JJ could say anything else, leaving her with a stolen coffee pot and no idea of how to get it back to the mess without being noticed.
Summer 2011. Alabama
JJ had fulfilled Pip's troubling request for clothes and papers and left them in their agreed dead drop location, along with a phone she'd managed to get hold of. She'd been rather proud of that bit of deception, especially because she'd been able to leave Pip a solar charging unit too. Hours later, she was flying back to the States because Emily had gone missing, wondering uneasily if Pip was going to use her absence to go off on her little excursion early.
She hadn't mentioned Pip to Rossi while they hunted for Emily, realising what a leap of faith Pip's admission had been. She had briefly showed a softer side than JJ had ever seen, and she'd dearly cherished that display of confidence. Right up until she was sat in the hospital while Emily was in surgery, and received the phone call that told her of the assumed loss of the fierce woman she'd known. That odd expression on Pip's face had flitted into memory and JJ had realised that even while sharing the secrets of her heart, the ruthless, logical Pip had known there was a possibility she wouldn't survive what was ahead and had made sure there was a way Rossi could be told.
Yet, it was neither of the capable women she recognised perched awkwardly on the end of the bed in her night clothes, like she was still expecting JJ to ask her to leave. Pip looked…vulnerable. As incongruous as that seemed, it meant their roles had been reversed for the evening. It was her turn to look after Pip, rather than the other way around.
Which first meant getting rid of Rossi. JJ opened the door. "Can I help you, Rossi? It's the middle of the night."
Rossi's gaze flicked up and over her shoulder as he tried to peer behind her. "I just wanted to see if she's ok."
"What do you think?" asked JJ, a little sharply. It had been a long day and it didn't seem to be over yet. "That asshole had a .45, she looks like she got kicked by a horse. She's just lucky the shot wasn't straight on."
"That's not what I meant," replied Rossi softly.
JJ heard Pip trying to blow her nose quietly, followed by a stifled yelp. She pulled the door closed a fraction, so Rossi couldn't see. She was tired and getting him to go away had just been made harder.
He couldn't see Pip, but he could hear her. The anguish on his face was heartbreaking as he realised Pip was certainly not ok. "JJ, if she's…I need to…Please?"
JJ shook her head, with a quick glance behind her to make sure Pip hadn't changed her mind. "Dave…" She gave him a gentle push backwards. "Let me handle this. Go back to bed."
"You can't hide from him forever, y'know," said JJ, once the door was firmly closed. "Or me." She helped Pip move to sit against the headboard, propping her upright as best she could with the limp and nearly flat pillows. "Are you going to be able sleep to sitting up?" she asked. "Looks really uncomfortable."
"I'm a soldier, I could sleep on a washing line in a hail storm," retorted Pip. "What about you?" she asked, gesturing awkwardly to the pillows behind her. "I can manage with just the one."
"I'm sure you could," replied JJ cheekily, "but then you'd complain all night and I wouldn't get any sleep either."
"Practical and to the point," noted Pip approvingly. "Alright, you win."
"It wasn't up for debate," teased JJ as she slipped under the somewhat threadbare covers on her side of the double bed. "Besides, last time you insisted on the floor." Although Pip hadn't so much insisted as simply landed there and been unable to move.
"That was one time!" objected Pip, but she didn't look offended in the least. It was with some relief that JJ could see Pip's cheerfully indignant glare. "I would have been happy to share but it's not my fault you were given the smallest bunk in camp!"
The smallest bunk which Pip had slept beneath following an injury sustained fending off an overenthusiastic camel spider. Pip had been bitten twice, and managed to slice her leg open quite badly in the process of trying to get away from the creature. Or fight it off. JJ had never been exactly clear on that, because by the time Pip had turned up at her door drunk on adrenaline and delirious with blood loss, she hadn't been able string more than two coherent words together. Stubbornness had got her as far as JJ's quarters, but once there all she could do was beg for help and try not to hit the desk on her way down.
Stitching the cut on her leg had been the hardest part, but once JJ had managed that, there wasn't much she could do other than make sure Pip's wounds didn't get infected and offer a semi-secure place under her bed to sleep. And sleep Pip did. For nearly three days she did little else, with occasional furtive visits to the sanitation hut. JJ started stockpiling proper medical supplies after that little incident, things she knew she might need, and several she hoped she would never have to.
Pip never turned to her for medical assistance, the run-in with the spider aside, but she would happily lift what she needed from JJ's quarters if it was openly available. It was an arrangement that suited them both: Pip could pretend JJ didn't know or keep careful records of what she took most regularly, JJ could keep an eye of the general health of one of the CIA's operatives without anyone being the wiser.
As far as painkillers were concerned, she'd never had anything strong on hand. It hadn't been deliberate, that sort of thing had simply been beyond her minor pilfering skills. She could see how Pip had assumed that she knew of her past drug problem.
JJ fidgeted, wriggling to try and find a position that avoided both the broken springs that creaked minutely whenever she breathed. "He cares a lot about you, he looked really worried." She chuckled. "You reduced the great David Rossi to begging. How many other women can say that?"
"Lots, I expect," sighed Pip. "I dare say there's a queue."
"Maybe once," JJ conceded, "but I'm telling you, he only has eyes for you." If she'd ever doubted it, that look of heartbreak on his face when she told him Pip was presumed KIA would have convinced her.
Pip shrugged. "Seaver's probably only a short while away from begging, her tongue practically rolls out whenever he walks past."
JJ laughed a little. "Ah, the first professional crush," she sighed theatrically. "Mine was an Academy instructor, you?" Although she had some sympathy with Seaver, because Rossi had been another…
"My commanding officer," murmured Pip with a twisted sort of smile.
"Hamilton or Perez?" asked JJ curiously, propping herself up in one elbow.
"I'd rather gnaw my own arm off than sleep with Hamilton," retorted Pip stridently. "Don't misunderstand, it's not because she's a woman, it's because she was a bitch."
JJ grinned. "Fair enough." She paused, wondering at the way Pip had phrased that explanation. "So not averse to the idea in principle, then… You ever…?"
Pip raised an eyebrow. "I'm open to it, I just never really met one I wanted. I might one day."
Pip smirked at her and JJ felt the heat rush to her face. Usually when she blushed, it was a slow thing, creeping up from her neckline. That knowing smirk had made it instant, bang, and she was glowing like a freakin' stop light.
"Or I could just snog my best friend at a sorority party," added Pip. She sounded so smugly knowing, JJ knew there was no point denying it.
"How do you know about that?" she squeaked.
Pip grinned broadly. "That blush told me."
JJ groaned and fanned her heated face. "I was, what? Nineteen? Gimme a break, I bet you did the same," she asserted. "Got to try everything once, right?" Lots of people did.
"Or three or four times, just to make sure," agreed Pip with a wink.
JJ giggled. Yes, quite. "So, if it wasn't Hamilton, it was Perez. The Captain and his aide. Well, that's original."
Pip grinned. "Isn't it just? He was a married man and it was mostly hero worship; it fizzled itself out after six months or so." She rolled her eyes. "Nearly four years later we end up in bed together."
"Was it worth it?"
Pip let out a laugh that turned quickly to a groan, a pained wince crossing her face. "Yes," she grunted, "although the circumstances left something to be desired. Now stop making me laugh."
"At least you're smiling, and that's a vast improvement on earlier," remarked JJ. "Now you just need to talk to Rossi. Properly talk to him."
Pip took a careful breath. "I've been so careful to not let him see what I'm like and then he goes and drags me out here."
"But if you haven't told him," said JJ logically, "then he can't possibly know why it bothers you so much. He's good, but he's not psychic."
"But telling him means he has to see it. What if he doesn't understand?"
The fear on Pip's face was genuine, and all the more ridiculous for that. JJ rolled her eyes. "Honestly, you've spent half your life in a war zone one way or another, balancing that line between action and secrecy, but you can't see what's right in front of you, can you?" She shook her head. "If he doesn't understand, teach him. He'll learn, and willingly."
"But…"
"You taught me," snapped JJ fiercely. "He knows you better than I did, than I still do, how could it possibly be more difficult?"
Pip subsided, thoughtfully chewing her lower lip. "You may have a point," she conceded. "But I'm still mad at him."
JJ grinned. That was about as close as Pip would ever get to admitting she might have been wrong. "What's he like, anyway? It's like you two have a whole separate life together, outside the Bureau." Rossi had been a big inspiration, the reason she joined the FBI in the first place. Working with him was one thing, but what did a man like that do to chill out of an evening?
"As you'd expect," said Pip. "Kind, loyal, loving, compassionate. I think he's getting fucked off with having to hide it though. Us, I mean." She shrugged. "Nothing we can do about that. I'm sorry to shatter the illusion," she added with a mocking glance that made JJ's cheeks flush with heat once more, "but I'm afraid your idol farts in his sleep and watches Sunday afternoon tv through his eyelids after a big dinner, just like any other man."
JJ laughed. "Does he wake up and complain if you change channel, like Will does?"
"Oh yes," agreed Pip. "Frequently, especially if there's something on the other side that I want to watch."
"How did you two…"
"We don't have nearly enough hours left in the night for that long tale," interrupted Pip, somewhat to JJ's frustration. It was the second time she'd asked and been refused, and the opportunity was unlikely to come around for a third time. Pip glanced over and rolled her eyes. "I promise you a second night of wine and explanations on a future date of my choosing."
"As long as at least one is within the next month, depending on the pace of work," negotiated JJ. "And I want to know something now about how it all started," she insisted, "I'm not letting you off the hook that easy."
Pip nodded agreement to her terms, less reluctantly than JJ anticipated. It seemed Pip was back on an even keel again, having confessed and been forgiven her sins. It finally felt like she had her friend back.
"I knew it, first time I saw him," said Pip with a rueful sort of almost-shrug. "I'd do anything for him. It was the same when I first met Agent Hotchner. Gideon recruited me, but it wasn't him that sealed the deal."
JJ's mouth dropped open in shock and she sat up sharply. "Hotch? You don't…I mean…"
Pip frantically shook her head and waved her hands in negation. "Not like that!"
JJ laughed and held her head in relief. "Oh, thank goodness!" She giggled. "For a second there…phew!" She shifted to sit next to Pip as she laughed, rather than laying back down. It wasn't like she had been able to get comfy anyway.
Pip's broad grin faltered as she battled not to laugh along with her. "No. He's handsome, but I could never…"
"Me either," agreed JJ. She knew exactly what Pip meant. Hotch was a good-looking guy, but she'd never felt more than friendship towards him. The thought of him being with someone like that was a bit weird, like imagining your brother with someone. Will on the other hand, had heated the apex of her thighs and made her stomach leap with butterflies the first time she'd met him.
"I'd walk through fire for him though," said Pip. "I'm not a natural leader by any measure, I work best alone or following someone. The first time I met him, I knew he was a leader I could look up to, could follow. I'd follow him anywhere. I'd walk through fire for Dave too," she added, "but not for the same reason."
JJ nodded, understanding the difference Pip was trying to explain.
"Dave…Dave just kept…being there, I suppose. No matter how hard I tried to keep him away, somehow, I'd always end up turning to him. By the time I realised what was happening, he was indispensable." Pip caught JJ's gaze, something undefinable shining in her eyes. "He makes me feel safe. He always has. Have you any idea how rare that feeling has been since I was ten?" She sighed, her eyes tightening a little with discomfort. "What you don't realise as a kid chafing against your parents' rules, is that they're only protecting you. I lost that, and then moved from foster home to foster home, always being the odd one out, even when I joined the Marines. I've spent most of my life fighting, whether it's to keep my blanket or a favourite book, or for my country, at home and abroad. I treasure every moment of safety because I always feel like I never know if it'll be my last. Everything else stemmed from that I guess, and now I can't imagine life without him."
Not the most romantic of tales, but JJ had expected nothing less. Hearts and flowers simply wasn't Pip's style, probably one of the few things they didn't have in common.
"You ok, Pip?" asked JJ as they settled down to sleep what was left of the night away. "I mean, really ok?"
"I dunno," replied Pip, probably completely honestly. "You?"
JJ considered that as she futilely tried to get comfortable, using her rolled up jacket as a makeshift pillow. She was, more or less. She felt like she'd dealt with what she'd seen, for the most part. She had occasional nightmares, but then who wouldn't? Even the miscarriage felt distant, like it was another life or had happened to somebody else. She was ok, but… "I'm different," she said finally.
Pip nodded sadly. "Yeah, that happens," she said gently, as JJ turned off the bedside light. "The person that comes back is never the same as the one who went."
They lay in silence, the quiet between them thick and almost suffocating.
"Pip?" whispered JJ into the darkness. She couldn't quite put the question into words, in the same way she hadn't been able to in Afghanistan. It was stupid, she was a grown woman, a mother for goodness sake! But she couldn't help it.
It had been a long few days and talking about what they'd been doing in the desert had stirred up a lot of the emotions that had gone with it. Which included grief for the woman sat upright in the bed next to her. Somehow the darkness had taken away the reassurance that vision brought: that Pip was alive and back in the BAU where she belonged.
"Come here."
JJ could hear the smile in Pip's stern order, the familiar reassurance. Whatever Pip had needed from her that evening, she'd found it, and they were back in their usual dynamic. She turned over gratefully, pillowing her head on Pip's muscular thighs. With Pip's arm draped protectively across her shoulders, JJ could sleep.