AND I'm back! Lucy is back! It's been so long since I've written a fan fiction that isn't on paper. So, here it is. I don't own Big Time Rush, and sometimes I feel as if I don't own my own mind sometimes, I'm just crazy. I'm venting. This story, I guess, is kind of the way I feel about certain things. Yano?

Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy, Hatred is easy. But forgiveness, that is a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back. Sometimes we do things we can't take back. We're all afraid of something.

Katie Knight hid. She hid behind her sarcasm and wit. Her charm and good looks. But she was never one for love. Or any kind of positive feeling that makes her heart beat faster. Just because she had moved on and forgotten things, doesn't mean they were forgiven. Everybody leaves. Everybody hurts. It's hard to lose somebody. Katie spent a lot of time searching for reasons or answers about her father. But you can't find what's not there. You can't answer something that was never questioned. It just happened. Katie walked out of her room and sat on the couch texting Jo about going to see Breaking Dawn this evening. Jo replied about wanting to see it but Kendall wasn't one for Twilight, so she'd love to. Katie smiled and chuckled a little. Although she didn't really know why.

"Hey Kitty-Kat, still looking up pictures of my washboard abs online?" James smiled mockingly.

"You, James Diamond, are multi-talented; you talk and piss me off all at the same time." Katie said seriously.

"Oooh, buuuurn." Logan and Carlos high-fived. Katie laughed.

"Sorry, James." Katie said. "You just need to face the facts that I don't like in that way. I don't really accept those kinds of feelings anymore. I like to think that I can work towards my future and focus on that, and then life can introduce me to my soul mate; mid-life crisis's." Katie rolled her eyes and James looked at her curiously.

"Hey, Baby Sister." Kendall said as he walked into the room.

"Big Brother." Katie replied.

"Yano, James. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." Logan said profoundly.

"Dork." Katie muttered. "So, Kendall, I'm stealing your girlfriend this evening. We're going to go see a movie." Katie smiled and walked into her room to go change. She wore a green t-shirt that said 'teehee' and was given to her by a close friend; Ryan Higa. Speaking of …

From: Ryan.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Katie chuckled to herself and replied.

To: Ryan

Ellen DeGeneres? Really?

Katie pressed send and continued to get dressed. She put on her white skinny jeans and a black vest. Exceptional. She put her iPhone in her back pocket and walked out to only see James sitting on the couch. She got out a bottle of water from the fridge and sat down. She looked at James and he looked lost in thought. Like he was trying to find the answers to something that didn't want to be answered.

"James." Katie said simply and he turned to face her.

"You said 'I don't really accept those kinds of feelings anymore,' I don't get it. Why?" He said quietly. So that's what he was thinking about. Why Katie didn't let herself fly.

"Some idiot said that the way to avoid heartbreak is to pretend that you don't have a heart altogether. I'm 17. I've been in two serious relationships and they both didn't end very well. I just don't want to take anymore risks. I don't want serious and complicated. I don't want anything. I just … I don't want to put my trust and love into someone and then find out that they were too busy with some other chick on the other side of The Palm Woods to pick up my damn phone calls. I don't want to experience the aftermath a third time. You know, staying up late crying until my eyes are sore, wishing I knew what I did wrong to so I could fix it. Being angry because dishonesty really gets to me." Katie looked off into space and you could tell that if she went any further then she'd start crying. She sniffled.

"Katie. It was never your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. 1 + 1 is not 3. A couple is 2." James said and looked into her eyes genuinely. He held her hand and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

"Thanks, James. You can be a total asshole but you'll still always be my best friend." Katie smiled and sniffled again. Then her back pocket vibrated and she checked her phone.

From: Ryan. Yes. Want to grab some coffee? I'm pretty sure that Starbucks isn't far from The Palm Woods. Haven't seen you in a while.

Katie smiled and replied.

To: Ryan. What, are you stalking me now? Rustin Hieber.

Katie pressed send and sat in silence with James. She still had her hand in his. 2 minutes after she got another text.

From: Katie. Just say 'Yes'

To: Ryan. Yes. See you in 20 minutes.

Katie sent her text to Ryan.

"I'm going out to meet Ryan for coffee. You can come if you want." Katie offered. She was too nice to leave him alone.

"Nah. You go. You and Ryan haven't really seen each other since his trip to Australia. So, go catch up. I might just go hang with Logan or Carlos." James smiled. "Or I'll go over to the recording studio and give Gustavo some of my original stuff for the band."

"Okay. Well, text me. I'm only going to be a couple of hours, and I was going to drop in to the studio to mess around and record some stuff. Yano. I'm Gustavo's favourite, he'll let me do anything." Katie smiled and left.

At Starbucks sat Ryan and Katie. Ryan being the funny one was able to cheer her up and forget about the conversation she had with James. That lasted about 2 seconds.

"So, tell me what's really up with you, Kate." Ryan said seriously. All humour went out the window and Katie didn't know weather to lie and say 'nothing' or tell the truth and say 'I don't know'.

"What do you mean?" Katie said in a tone that sounded as if she had no idea what he was talking about.

"Katie. I've known you for 3 years now. I know when there's nothing in the pretty little head or yours except your charm and wit, and I know when there's too much in your mind and not enough charm and wit." Ryan said.

"I don't know how to explain it. You've been apart of my life for 3 years and you were there to give me a hug when I found out about Kyle and Tyler. You know I shut people out. When I'm with James … I let everything spill and I let my feelings for him become stronger and stronger and then suddenly, my feelings for him are far from brotherly, but I know how he is. He's this deep and meaningful person on his own, but he's a player. Never been dumped, never been heartbroken in the sense that I have. He's the one guy I've known to stay away from my whole life, yet, he's my best friend. I just want a switch. So, I can turn off my romantic feelings for him and that switch can stay there, developing cobwebs over the years." Katie explained. There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. And, of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. Katie didn't know what she was doing. Where she was going. It was just one big question mark.

"Katie, I don't want you to get hurt anymore that you want to be hurt. Robert Louis Stevenson once wrote: You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you." Ryan told Katie, she was surprised to even be having such a deep conversation with him, but she's glad he's here. So when they finally parted ways, Ryan told her to go do something that would help make a decision about her feelings.

Katie walked into Rocque Records and sat in the studio and played the piano. Little did she know, Kelly was there and she decided to record her.

Your subtleties, they strangle me

I can't explain myself at all

And all the wants and all the needs

All I don't want to need at all

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving

Maybe it's best you leave me alone

A weight is lifted on this evening

I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light

It ends tonight, it ends tonight

A falling star, at least I fall alone

I can't explain what you can explain

You're finding things that you didn't know

I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving

Maybe it's best you leave me alone

A weight is lifted on this evening

I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light

It ends tonight, it ends tonight

Just a little insight won't make this right

It's too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight

Now I'm on my own side

It's better than being on your side

It's my fault when you're blind

It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside

Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light

It ends tonight, it ends tonight

Just a little insight won't make this right

It's too late to fight, it ends tonight

It ends when darkness turns to light

It ends tonight, it ends tonight

Just a little insight won't make this right

It's too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight

Tonight, inside

When darkness turns to light

It ends tonight

Katie still didn't know what she was feeling, so she rested her head on her hand and closed her eyes.

"Wow. That was an amazing cover. I didn't know … I just thought she liked to muck around." James said to Kelly. Not taking his eyes of Katie.

"I'm guessing there's a lot you didn't know about her and her motives. Trust me, Gustavo's tried to sign her, but she refuses. Said that she doesn't know if she's ready. But she is." Kelly smiled adoringly at Katie. James didn't know what to say. She turned down a recording offer. Wow. He needed answers, fast.

AND now we have a break. Review and tell me what you think. I mean, it's not always going to be depressing and about heartbreak, obviously things are going to get easier, but expect a lot of drama. That is, if you review. Thanks, again. (: I should be up with a new chapter later on (: Christmas holidays, I have no social life, therefore, I write! YUS. And paint, but mostly write. xx