A/N: THIS IS CRACK. Pure unadulterated crack. I blame that episode of The Mighty Boosh. BUT I'M SHARING because these guys need the love.
Author: Zhampy / Yoru Ryu
Rating: K / PG
Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon. It'd have more character deveolpment if i did.
Warnings: General OOCness abound. Madness, seriously. It's insane.
How To (Moss) Misadventure
It had seemed like a good idea at the time; something to fill in another day of monotonous boredom. Something to take the… boredom out of the… boredom. Though now, when he thought about it, another day of repetitive pacing and complaining about his Gym, and boredom would have been much better than…
"Are you going to eat that?"
Volkner looked up at the voice, then looked down at the green mound in his hand disdainfully. "… no, Flint," he sighed, holding his hand out to his friend.
The fire-head quickly snatched the foodstuff and swallowed it whole. "This isn't all that bad!"
"It's moss, Flint."
"Good moss! Tastes like… cabbage."
"It's got things living in it."
"Like… snails?"
"… what the hell?" Volkner looked at his friend. What was he blathering on about? "I was thinking more… mites. They infest warm moist areas likes these tunnels and lay their eggs in the moss. It's common knowledge."
"It is?" Flint replied, sputtering the stuff everywhere.
"Yeah, and if you eat the eggs they hatch in your stomach and live there till you die."
"Really?" Flint asked, wide eyed. "They better not be in my stomach," he said while pointing.
"They are," Volkner nodded.
"'cause if they are, I'll kill 'em."
"You can't kill them once they're in there. Unless… you kill yourself. That'd show 'em!"
"I'm not killing myself," Flint deadpanned. "I cut myself shaving yesterday and it wouldn't stop bleeding. Just imagine how bad it'd be if I killed myself! I'd probably die!"
Volkner facepalmed.
Deciding to leave his friend for a while he got up from the rock he'd been sat on to examine the tunnel walls. The Fire Elite was just full of great ideas. And apparently Roark was more than willing to go along with them, if only to spite Volkner. Sometimes he got the feeling the boy disliked him. Like most people, he sighed.
The three of them had been picking away at the walls about the Underground and deciding on a good spot for a secret base so they could meet secretly - Flint's idea of course. He'd not be caught dead in such a place nor doing such a thing. Besides, why'd they need to meet secretly anyway? What would they do? Play Scrabble and talk about their fellow trainers behind their backs? Jasmine would soon sniff them out anyway; she was ruthless!
He shook his head to keep his mind on track. Right. So they'd been picking away at the walls, then Roark had noticed a particularly big 'sparkle' and hammered at it till the tunnel caved in, effectively trapping them on either side of the debris. And as luck would have it… Roark got the side with the exit.
Now he was stuck somewhere under Sinnoh with his moss-eating friend and no Pokemon. Fantastic.
"Hey, Volkner?"
"Wh-?" he turned around only to receive a mouthful of the rancid green fungi. "Augh, augh! Flint, what the hell!?"
"You have to keep your strength up," the taller man waved his finger like a mother hen.
"Argh, no! You just don't do that! I've had it!" Volkner got to his feet sharply and stalked across the cave floor to grab a crowbar lying around and drew a rough line in the ground. "There, I've drawn a line. You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side. And by the way; it doesn't taste anything like cabbage."
Flint frowned, "but Volk…"
"No, that's final! Now," he looked around, "God forbid we're going to be rescued, so I'm going to make a base for the night."
"How ya gonna do that?" Flint looked suddenly pleased with himself, "all the tools are on my side."
Volkner watched Flint indicate that fact. "Alright fine, we'll just redraw the line..."
"Nono, you said that was final."
"… fine!" throwing up his hands the blonde stormed off to what he soon found to be a dead end.
Shit.
He woke up at what he assumed to be morning of the next day to find Flint had taken up base right near the dividing line that trapped him against a dead end yet left Flint with all the wandering space he desired. And it seemed the man had done a fair share of wandering since he had potted plants around the entrance to his cave and several sparkling orbs buried all over.
Volkner stood up, stretched and looked at his sad attempt at a base; his jacket held up by the crowbar. Lame.
Flint came out numerous times to lord it over him, but he never gave the afro the pleasure of a reaction.
Hours later Flint returned after another wonder around the underground. Apparently he was trading his orbs for mundane items to decorate his new dwelling. The hikers he was dealing with were either also stuck or just didn't care enough to help the pair escape back to the surface. Volkner was very bemused by it all.
Coming back with the spade and an armful of orbs Flint set about burying them around his 'garden'.
"Yeah, yeah… I see. Oh, of course!"
He looked up as Volkner suddenly started talking to someone. Walking over to his handmade fence across the dividing line he leaned over to look at his friend; the blonde was sat under his 'tent' talking to… a rock.
"Who's that, Volk?" he asked.
The Gym Leader suddenly stopped his conversation, looking up. "This is Grisly Jim. Grisly Jim, Flint," he introduced them.
"What ya talkin' about?"
Volkner shrugged. "Just world matters. Important things, you know?"
"… can I join in?" he asked hopefully.
Volkner looked at him then turned back to the rock with a crude face etched into it. He gestured and spoke quietly to it then turned back. "We're not sure. What have you got to offer?"
"Well, I've got the hair. I could do Grisly Jim's!"
"Mmmm, I'm not sure… you're quite what we're looking for here at the Granite Lodge. We like sophistication and you're, well…" Volkner trailed off, the damage done.
Flint scowled then flipped them both off before stomping back to his base. Volkner and Grisly Jim tsked and shook their heads.
Grisly Jim wasn't as interesting as Volkner first thought, he mused as he listened to the rock lecture him about the architecture of the underground. Honestly, Flint was better company - at least he was entertaining. But Grisly Jim was sensitive, so he couldn't miss a lecture.
"Ohahahah!" He suddenly looked around as he heard Flint's loud fake laugh. Obviously the man wanted him to investigate… so he would.
He walked over to look through the hole in Flint's base. Leaning in the window he saw Flint sat at a table talking to a rock covered in moss. "What are you doing, Flint?"
"Oh, Volkner!" the man jumped up, carrying the rock with him. "I'd like you to meet Beatrice," he held the long haired rock forward.
He bowed and smiled at Beatrice then hissed for Flint to come outside. "Where'd you find her? She's gorgeous!"
"I know," Flint chuckled. "There I was just out lookin' for more orbs and saw her sat at the side of the path. Poor thing must've been hitchhiking. We hit it off right away!" he smiled broadly.
"Does she have a sister?" Volkner asked quietly.
The redhead replied in the negative, "sorry, mate. Only child. Now, if you'll excuse me," he sniffed haughtily, returning to his base.
Taking Beatrice on their third date Flint came across Volkner under the tent again as they returned. The blonde was laughing and smiling at a rock with extremely long moss hair and an uncanny resemblance to Grisly Jim.
"Must be Grisly Jim's sister," he said to Beatrice as they walked over to the pair. "Uh, who's that, Volk?"
"This?" Volkner looked surprised, then smiled again at the rock next to him. "This is Jenny."
Flint looked hard at the moss covered rock then leaned in as Beatrice whispered in his ear. "That's Grisly Jim in a wig," he stated, leering at his friend.
The blonde stared in silence. Flint just laughed at him, strolling home with his date. "So sad."
With the couple out of sight Volkner knocked Grisly Jim over. "Well, that was a great idea. Good work."
Later in the day (or the next day - he'd really lost count) Volkner decided to drop by his friend as Grisly Jim had just finished his latest lecture on the plant life of the underground that'd killed his brain. He barged in the base without knocking.
"Whoa, Volk! Knock before ya come in! We're… doing things," Flint whined.
Volkner looked around to notice another lovely lady sat at the table with Flint and Beatrice. He hissed at his friend again. "Who's that?"
"That's Gertrude," the redhead whispered as he came over. "She's friends with Beatrice."
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"Well, introduce us!" Volkner hissed.
"What do ya mean?"
"I mean, well," he waved his hands about. "There's two of them, two of us…"
Flint gasped, "ya don't mean…? She's best friends with Beatrice!"
"Oh come on. Do me a favour! I'm always hooking you up."
The Elite wrung his hands, thinking about it. "Auh, fine. But ya better not screw it up!"
"I won't, I won't," he pat the taller man on the back. "Thanks."
For a long while after they'd been introduced both couples sat in silence around the table. Volkner smiled nervously as he sat next to Gertrude watching Flint and Beatrice whisper amongst themselves. Eventually Flint looked over at them.
"Beatrice was just asking what we do for fun when we're not working in the League," he left the statement hanging for his friend.
The blonde picked up the loose end quickly, "usually we both sit at the lighthouse in Sunyshore throwing rocks into the sea. Hey, you two should come along when we get out of here, it's great-oh! Oh, my God," he looked apologetically at Flint as both women scowled. "I'm so sorry - I didn't mean - !"
After both rocks retired for the night Flint took Volkner aside. "Dude, I wasn't going to mention that till after the wedding! D'you know that makes us serial killers?" He gestured to the bed at the back of the base, "I'll be lucky to get a look in tonight thanks to you."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Volkner apologised again. "I was just really nervous." Looking over at Gertrude on the sofa he continued; "I mean, she's beautiful."
"I know, I know," Flint laid a hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Just be cool."
More time passed and Flint had made several more friends. Enough, in fact, to throw a party in his garden. He vaulted over the picket fence to the base him and Volkner had made as a wedding present for him and Gertrude. Knocking on the door he hummed as the blonde answered, keeping most of his face hidden in the dark.
"Hey, Volk! We're having a cave party. Wanna come?"
The Gym Leader stepped sheepishly across the threshold. "I, uh, I think I'll stay in. We've got… things to do…"
Flint looked at his friend. "What happened to your eye?"
"Nothing, nothing!" Volkner withdrew again to hide his black eye.
"Has she been hitting you again?" Flint whispered, looking round for Gertrude.
"No, well yes. But it was my fault!"
"Come on, man. Just come to the party. It'll make you feel better."
Volkner fell further back into the darkness, "no I can't. She'll flip."
"Volk…"
"Augh, coming, darling!" he shouted back into the base while closing the door slowly. "See you later, Flint."
Closing the door and turning his back to it, Volkner sighed. No sooner had he exhaled then did the threatening shadow of Gertrude wash over him. He looked at her. "I wasn't doing anything. What? No! It was just Flint! He's having a cave party that's all; he invited us. No, of course I don't want to go. No really, I don't. Well, it's not my fault we never go out! All you want to do is stay home putting shelves up."
Gertrude glowered at him.
"I have a life too!" he shouted at her." Don't think I'm going to take this kind of abuse any longer!" With that he defended himself from her advances by knocking her to the floor.
He almost shrieked as she hit the floor, her body breaking in two. "Er, honey? G-Gurty…? Ohhh my God. She's dead. She's dead! Ohh, what do I do?"
Flint was lounging about with Beatrice as host of the cave party. He mingled with his martini in hand nodding and laughing with all the rocks invited. "Heyyy, Alfie, lookin' good! Arnie, nice shirt! Oh God, your hair, Rich! What will you do next? You're crazy, crazy… oh, hey Volkner! Ya made it!"
"Flint! I uh, have a situation." the blonde huffed as he ran over. "Can you come over?"
"I'm in the middle of a party, man," Flint waved around.
"Now!" Volkner hissed.
When they reached the base Flint looked horrified. "What did you do!?"
"Sh-she came at me! I had to! Come on, help me hide the body."
As they both picked up a half of Gertrude each they failed to notice Grisly Jim lurking outside the window with a rocky video camera. "I just hope no one sees us," Flint commented.
"There, that's done," Flint sighed and wiped his brow. Volkner continued patting down the mound they'd buried Gertrude's body under.
"What're we going to tell Beatrice?"
"I'll just tell her… she got a promotion at work and left."
"That's not going to work! They were best friends!"
"Well I don't see you coming up with any ideas!"
They both jumped as a sudden spotlight fell on them and dozens of rocks garbed in police uniforms clambered over them. "Halt! You're under arrest for the murder of Gertrude Rock! Surrender peacefully!" one with a megaphone hollered.
Panicking and slowly putting their spades down the pair put their hands over their heads in surrender.
The courtroom was filled with rocks all leering and scowling at them as they stood in the defendant's box awaiting their trial. The judge stepped up with his fine moss wig and hammered the gavel.
"Court is in session. Flint of the Elite Four, Volkner of Sunyshore Gym, you are hereby standing trial for the brutal and unprecedented murder of Gertrude Rock. How do you plead?"
"Innocent!" they both pled.
"Very well," the judge slammed his gavel again. "Call the first witness!"
Flint leaned into the blonde. "Don't worry, I've got this sorted."
Volkner eyed his friend with pessimism then noticed as Grisly Jim took the stand. "Ah, good work, Flint. Grisly Jim'll defend us."
"I knew he was a murderer the moment I laid eyes on him, " Grisly Jim started.
"Oh, you backstabbing son of a-!" Volkner blurted.
"And his friend too; he's just as shifty."
"You don't even know me, jerk!" Flint blared.
"They definitely did it. I'll stake my reputation as a professor at Rock's Academy for young Rocks on it," Grisly Jim finished.
The judge nodded, "I'm almost ready to make my decision. Does anyone have any objections?" Flint and Volkner struggled against the bonds the rocks had bound them in as no objections came from the jury. "Very well. I hereby declare these two bottom feeders guilty and sentence to them death by rocking!"
"No, you can't!" Flint shouted. "That wasn't a fair trial. Why didn't we get a fair trial?"
"Because they're inbred and they're stupid," Volkner said, dejected.
They soon found themselves bound tightly head-to-toe in ropes (possibly Escape Ropes) as the rocks carried out the sentence; Death by Rocking, as they threw themselves at the pair yelling obscenities all the while. Flint and Volkner writhed as the rocks barraged them; some of the meaner rocks were sharp!
"Ahhhh!"
"Auughh!"
A sudden gush of water washed over them as the jolted up. "Hey, guys!" Roark beamed at them over the rim of an empty bucket. "You okay?"
"W-what happened!?" Flint panted while looking around. Both him and Volkner were laid amongst a mass of moss.
"You were having a nightmare. That moss is a terrible hallucinogenic, it knocked you out good. You probably shouldn't have eaten it, really. I didn't think you would."
Volkner sat up rubbing his head, "so, there's no rocks…?"
"Uh, no." Roark looked confused, "that sounds like a pretty boring hallucination. Oh well, look! Dad bailed us out."
They all turned to look up at the gruff man stood over them. "You're all idiots," Byron stated.
As Roark and his father motioned to leave Flint turned to his friend. "Do you ever get the feeling we dream the same stuff?"
"… no."