This is pure, unadulterated crack. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, and I suppose this is anime-verse or something, seeing as they actually do get drunk in the novels… but Mikuru here is different than the time she got drunk in the anime. So… ah, whatever, it's crack!

It all began when I stepped into the SOS Brigade's clubroom, because God knows that's how it always begins. Only this time, when I stepped inside, there were some significant… differences.

Maybe it was the numerous empty wine bottles on the floor. Maybe it was the poor, tattered books violently strewn across the room. Maybe it was the fact that all four of the other members had red faces and stupid expressions. Except Nagato, of course, but she was still chugging down alcohol like no tomorrow in front of a cheering Haruhi. Maybe it was that.

Either way, I knew I was screwed from the start.

"KYO-OOON!" Asahina-san screeched. I stood there, dumbfounded that the ever-sweet and kindly time-traveler could do something so unladylike as, well, screech. But there she was, wobbling all over the place like the floor was slicked with wine. For all I knew, maybe it was.

As she tripped forward, I valiantly stooped to catch her, flying frilly maid outfit and all. But instead of thanking me, her fist came down on my forehead. All of a sudden, I hit the ground hard, discovering that the floor was indeed covered with wine.

"It's all YOUR FAULT!" the not-so-sweet Asahina roared. Then she tripped over her own feet, face-faulting onto the floor with a dull thud. I scrambled to stand so I could help her up, but she smacked my hands away. As I stared at her in horror, she clawed her way to her feet via my pants.

"Itch'sss all your fault!" she snapped, glaring at me like an angry wolverine. "Why don't you ever DO anahthang!? All the times Suzu… suza… Suzumumiya-saaahn did ANYTHING to me! You just sii-iit down and do NAHTHING!"

I was at a loss. Who knew that Asahina-san could be so—

Suddenly, two male arms were drooped around my shoulders. A low sob sounded from the folds of my blazer. In mere seconds my back was wet with tears.

"I-I c-can't do anything!" Koizumi moaned into my back. "I-I-I'm just like you, Kyon-kuuun! I can't do anything. I-I can only sit there and s-smile like one of those ch-cheesy horror mmm-movie villains! Do you k-know how frustrating that is?

Believe me, Koizumi, I do.

A loud slam made all of us jump. We looked up in unison to see Nagato boring holes into my head with her eyes. Her hand was clenched around an empty wine bottle.

"My turn!" Haruhi said obliviously as she snapped open another bottle. I understood immediately. Leave it to the alien and a possible God to be the last ones standing in a drinking contest. Who knew when that battle would end?

No one knew, and that was why I had to stop it.

"Haruhi, you need to stop drinking. Look what you've done to everyone! Look at what you've done to yourself!"

She looked up with alcohol-glazed eyes. Terror seized me in an instant. I should have known addressing her would mean my certain doom. But it was too late now.

Those were my thoughts as she jumped me and linked her arms around my waist. Great, now that was two brunette crazies attached to my body. This shirt was definitely going in the laundry.

Haruhi nuzzled her face into my chest like a love-depraved puppy. "Kyo~on," she purred happily.

"Uh," I said intelligently.

"Kyon," she repeated, "This shtuff's good. You should… you should have shome."

"I'm not so sure about that—mmph!"

The next thing I knew, wine was dripping down my chin and onto my uniform. How was I going to explain that one to Mom?

I shut my mouth right away, but a little of the liquid still trickled down my throat. It felt like someone had taken part of a heated poker and jammed it into my esophagus. I tried to push Haruhi away, but she just giggled and clutched on to me even harder. How was it possible for this girl be so strong? And she was only using one arm, too!

"H-hay, Kyoon… dere's this reaaally good joke. Ehm…" Haruhi tilted her head so far to the right that her cheek touched her shoulder. "Ooh, ooh, I remember! I swear to DRUNK I'm not GOD! Ahahaha!"

You know, Haruhi, I'm not really sure about that. Come to think of it, what was going on with the rest of the world now that she was completely wasted? I looked out the windows, but the sky wasn't purple, and the trees weren't singing musicals just yet.

She laughed heartily, then took the rest of the alcohol and guzzled it like her life depended on it. Lazily, she dropped it onto the desk and continued her strange hug-nuzzle combination with my chest.

Let's have a recap. Asahina-san was slurring profanities whilst banging her fist on my shoulder, Koizumi was sobbing between my shoulder blades, and Haruhi was coveting my torso like it was her long-lost child. I looked at my only remaining hope, the last person in the room with any resemblance of rationality or sanity.

Nagato was still chugging down enough wine to poison a sailor. Her cheeks were a shade pinker than usual, but other than that she seemed unaffected. She seemed to notice my gaze and slowly turned to meet my eyes. I gave her a look that roughly translated to "Please help me. Please."

We engaged in an endless loop of staring, until finally she opened her mouth and said… well, I think it's best described as something.

"Suicidal bunny toasters."

I choked. "What!?"

"Dolphin light bulbs. Ring-toothed erasers. Utensils cooked to a crispy golden-brown. All are available at your local Imai market," she droned monotonously.

Oh, no. Not you too, Nagato. Out of all of us… why did this have to happen to you?

"System override by erroneous data due to potentially volatile substance C2H5OH. Sensory and speech functions are dubiously doubly deranged deliciously diabolically dyspeptically determinatively demonically dually democratically disloyally doctrinally dismally drizzly dramatically distinguishably…"

She went on that adjectives-starting-with-d-filled tangent for a while. Meanwhile, I mourned the death of all things sane.

"…despicably corrupted," Nagato finally finished. She twisted her head towards the window. "I—like—it."

"That's… nice, Nagato… can you please make it stop now? Maybe make it so that this never happened?"

She looked back at me with that straight face. "Certainly."

There was a long pause.

"Data alteration functions have been blocked by erroneous data due to potentially volatile substance C2H5OH."

"Well, crap."

Mikuru: Angry-drunk

Koizumi: Sad-drunk

Haruhi: Lovey/Happy-drunk

Yuki: Happy/Random-drunk

Kyon: He wasn't drunk. Though imagining him as any drunk is hilarious.