Dislaimer - I own NOTHING of Sailor Moon or any of the awesome characters, I only wish I did... I do however own the other characters that will later appear... so there!
A/N - This is my first ever fanfic so please review... that will make me be not so lazy and maybe write more! Another A/N at the bottom, enjoy the story
Italics are memories/dreams/flashbacks depending on the context, everything is just generic format, okay? Cool.
PROLOGUE – THE STUPIDEST THINGS
I sat on the porch of our friend Usagi's home. Everyone was inside, celebrating their college entrance exams. Everyone except me. I decided to escape a few minutes ago, to do three things I rarely do, unless I'm alone in my room. I lift a bottle of Jack Daniels to my lips and let the raw, burning liquid attack my mouth and throat, it's good though, that's what I wanted, to burn away the memory of tonight, what I had done, what I had wrecked. My perfect friendship… with Michiru. Just thinking of her hurts my heart, I can't help but when sigh when her face runs through my mind. I take another drag on the cigarette I lit up as soon as I came outside. It's cold out here, but I don't care, I can't pretend to be happy inside, to be someone who I'm not, which is pretty ironic considering who I am and what I planned to do. I put the near empty bottle on the steps and use my now free hand to wipe away my tears. I hate crying… not because I think it's weak or anything, I hate crying because it's a reminder of pain, of pain I'd rather ignore, so to cure it I pick up the whiskey bottle again, and take a long gulp. The event that night that brought me to that state I was in right now, I hated this state, that vulnerable state, I felt pathetic, I felt like a child. Like I was nothing. Like I am nothing. I look up at the stars, and can feel the light drizzle, as the heavens chose that moment to open up and cover me in the rain, I don't mind, it feels refreshing, cleansing, clarifying. It makes me feel less vulnerable. Everyone gets caught in the rain at some point. The door behind me is opened, and I stay where I am, finishing my cigarette, not really caring that it was raining on me. Then she spoke, and I heard her voice,
"Haruka? What are you doing out here?" I almost break inside as I hear her voice, then I remember the stupid thing I did earlier.
Haruka, Michiru and Seiya were walking along the street to Usagi's and Mamoru's home, so they could all open their college results together, these results meant everything to everyone. Except to Haruka, she had no plans of attending college. She did however have her own plans, though only Setsuna knew because she was with Haruka when she got the unexpected news. Haruka was offered by some of her sponsors, mainly Europeans, to become a rookie F2 driver and if successsful onto F1. Her years of hard work paid off, and she told them she would go, it was her dream after all.
Of course, this happy thought was immediately thrown back in her face, as the couple in front of Haruka decided that was the perfect time to share a kiss. For Haruka, seeing Seiya kissing Michiru is one thing that provokes her gag reflex into working overtime. Haruka looked longingly at Michiru and thought about her, she was Haruka's best friend for a decade, and regardless of Haruka's feelings for her, she would not risk that friendship for anything, and that's why Haruka says nothing when she sees the couple kissing even though her insides ache and churn at the same time. Today, as always, Michiru looked perfect, her aquamarine coloured hair, cutely bounced in its natural wavy state around her shoulders as she walked, and her blue dress complimented every single curve of her body to perfection. Haruka thought Michiru was perfection, but Michiru never really thought twice about it. Haruka thought on, Michiru was an elegant woman, she was beautiful and, her deep, blue eyes pierced and warmed Haruka's heart at the same time. Haruka felt complete every time she saw Michiru's perfect features, her smile, and every single time Michiru smiled at Haruka.
Then there was Seiya. He had jet black hair pulled into a ponytail, with his dark eyes, he wasn't bad looking, he just wasn't good enough for Michiru, no-one was in Haruka's eyes.
"Michi, are you okay?" It was then Haruka was snapped out of her daydream, when she saw that Michiru was staring at directly at her (The blonde had opted to stare away as seeing Seiya over Michiru made her feel physically sick), Michru shook her head and smiled at Seiya,
"Yeah, sorry, I spaced out… you okay, Haruka? You looked like you were thinking about something…quite deeply might I add." Immediately Haruka decided to flash her oh-so charming smile and wave a hand, as though to wave off her question,
"I'm fine… just nervous, you know?" Michiru nodded and Seiya put his arm around Michiru's waist, again Haruka decided to look away, this caught Michiru's attention,
"About the results, right? If you get the grades you needed, are you going to go to Tokyo for music or Kyoto for the engineering you were speaking about?" Michiru was always worrying about Haruka, but before the blonde could speak, Seiya spoke,
"Hey, we're here, guys." For once Haruka was glad Seiya was there, it avoided Haruka having to tell a lie to Michiru, who would be able to see through it instantly She knew the blonde that well, and Haruka silently breathed a sigh of relief. The trio knocked on the door and entered as Usagi greeted them with her usual over-the-top hug while somehow managing to eat half a cake.
A few hours into the party, Haruka was seated on the couch, with a glass of water in her hand, as a soon-to-be responsible F1 driver, she decided to start avoiding drink, she usually did anyway but the premise of F1 was more motivation. Setsuna, seeing Haruka on the couch decided to sit next to her and spoke to her, quietly, as the others were lounging about the living room, waiting for the last in their group to arrive, Rei, who was on her way from the shrine.
"Hey, Ruka… you okay?" She nodded slowly,
"Just not sure how to tell everyone. It's their day too, you know?" Setsuna nodded,
"I think they'll be happy for you… shame you have to leave next week though, doesn't leave much time for us before you go for a year." Haruka smiled gently. Then she looked around the room, Michiru was in Seiya's lap, everyone was itching to open their results, and Rei was holding them back. Haruka sighed sadly to herself and Setsuna spoke to her, trying to reassure her,
"Before you go… at least tell her how you feel. It has been long enough." Haruka laughed, a little too loud as it caught the attention of Michiru, who looked at her and saw the way she was speaking to Setsuna, she looked serious and was shaking her head about something. Haruka spoke in a lowered tone to Setsuna,
"The last thing I want to do is tell her… what good would it do? Her and Seiya have been together since high school started… And she seems happy with him, I am not going to say a thing, Sets." Setsuna shrugged,
"Well, it wouldn't hurt for her to know, would it, Ruka?" At that moment, Michiru approached the two women and decided to use Haruka as a spare seat, with her sitting in the tall blonde's lap, Michiru's arms draped around Haruka's neck and Michiru's head on tomboy's shoulder,
"And what are you two plotting?" Before Setsuna or Haruka could repond, Rei burst into the room, panting, breathless, saying sorry for being so late. Haruka couldn't believe her luck, twice today that people have saved her from admitting something to Michiru, Haruka smiled, but then stopped when she noticed Michiru was staring at her, an eyebrow raised,
"What were you two talking about, Ruka?" Haruka gulped and could feel her nervousness, Michiru was now playing with her hair, knowing that Haruka enjoyed this. Haruka opted for a half-lie,
"Just talking about life after high school." Michiru giggled and Haruka nearly melted at the sound, the utterly delightful sound, it was heaven to Haruka's ears, and Haruka loved when she was the cause of the laughter, the happiness. It was at that moment, Haruka could feel Michiru being yanked up, and Seiya was holding her hands, glaring at Haruka,
"Come, Michi-koi, we're going to open our envelopes now." Haruka kept her face neutral as Seiya searched her for emotion. The group gathered around Usagi's table and at the same time, all of the group; Usagi, Mamoru, Ami, Minako, Makato, Rei, Michiru, Haruka, Seiya, Yaten and Taiki all ripped their envelopes open. Setsuna being older and already in college was only there for the party environment. There was a delightful squeal, clearly everyone had done well. All the girls were chattering excitedly about college and cute boys, Seiya and his brothers were grinning at their results, Seiya somewhat more smugly. Haruka glanced at her results, then folded the envelope back into her pocket, Setsuna smiled, she had stolen a glance at the paper before Haruka put it away,
"Well done Haruka, impeccable grades." Haruka nodded and drank from her glass,
"Mmm, I guess." Setsuna laughed,
"I think that all A's can be considered impeccable grades, Ruka." Setsuna ruffled Haruka's hair and the two of them smiled at each other, Michiru looked once again and frowned as she saw how close the two were being. Seiya hugged Michiru from behind,
"Well done, Michi! Performing Arts College is one step away, huh?" Michiru nodded and faked a smile. Suddenly Setsuna stood up,
"Haruka has an announcement to make, everyone! Haruka?" The group looked at Haruka who looked just as shocked as they did at Setsuna,
"No, I don't, Sets." Setsuna grabbed Haruka and smiled,
"Yes, you do, tell them the news, Ruka!" Haruka sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. Seiya exhaled, clearly not interested,
"I doubt it's anything of importance." Michiru threw a dark look to Seiya then grinned at Haruka who took one more sip from her glass before setting it down,
"Okay… well, I'm not going to college." Seiya laughed,
"Haha, I knew it, grades were that bad, huh, Tenoh-san?" Haruka grinned a little more,
"No, I got 12 A's, Kou-san… but I was offered a year contract on the European F1 racing circuit and I've decided to accept." There was a loud ruckus as everyone scrambled to congratulate Haruka and give her a hug, everyone that is except Seiya and Michiru. Seiya, because he was an insolent ass who hated Haruka and would rather watch her fail than succeed, and Michiru because she was in shock. Michiru stood and made her way to the bathroom, trying to hide her tears. Haruka saw her run off to while Seiya just sat there glaring at Haruka, not even noticing that Michiru had left his side. Haruka sighed and made her way to the bathroom, she knocked gently, there was no reply but there was sniffling coming from inside,
"I'll be out in a minute." Came Michiru's gentle voice as Haruka knocked again,
"Michi, it's me, can I come in?" Haruka went to turn the door but stopped as she felt the door was locked,
"No, go away, Ruka!" Haruka was shocked at that outburst, never before had Michiru been rude to Haruka. Haruka was hurt,
"Please, Michi, can I come in?" The door was unlocked slowly and Haruka entered, Michiru was facing away from her. Haruka went to put her hand on Michiru's shoulder but Michiru turned away, rejecting Haruka's touch,
"Michi?" Haruka's voice was filled with concern but also hurt, Michiru turned around, her eyes slightly red from the crying she had done,
"Ruka… why are you leaving?" Haruka looked taken back,
"It's always been my dream to be an F1 racer, hell, they don't even mind that I'm a girl! Though I gotta keep that secret and stay my charming, sexy, Tenoh-kun self." Haruka smiled arrogantly, bringing a slight smile to Michiru's lips. Haruka stepped forward and cupped Michiru's chin, causing Michiru to look up at her with big, bright, blue eyes, a slight frown adorning her features but Michiru was beautiful as ever to Haruka. Haruka smiled gently too,
"A smile! Ah, that's much more you, Michiru." Michiru grinned again and playfully smacked Haruka's arm,
"Only because your arrogance makes me laugh." She said teasingly,
"My arrogance is all a part of the package that makes me irresistible." Haruka said with a purpose sense of self-confidence that made Michiru smile again. Haruka let go of Michiru's chin,
"It's only one year, Michi, I'll be back before you know it." She said with a wink. Michiru looked up at her,
"But you're leaving us… me… things will be so different without you, you're my best friend, you can't leave me! Haruka, please don't go -" Michiru was cut off as Haruka's lips made contact with her own. Haruka kept her eyes closed and the kiss was soft, simple, but said everything Haruka ever had to. Haruka broke off the kiss, looking shocked at herself.
"I-I'm sorry, Michi, I shouldn't have… I – " And with that Haruka was out of the door, making her way to the porch, picking up a bottle of JD and the pack of cigarettes that were on the table by the door.
"Nothing." I reply after a considerable pause. Michiru sighed and closed the door behind her,
"Are you sure? It looks like you're standing in the rain, smoking a cigarette and getting drunk." I shrug,
"I guess I am." I decide to finish the bottle in my hand, one last gulp, it burns my throat so bad, but that's nothing compared to the pain I'm trying to drown out. I felt Michiru's arms wrap around my shoulders, as she does every time she tries to cheer me up, which only made me feel worse, the last thing I needed was her pity. I sighed,
"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me, Michi." She rested her head against my back,
"Don't apologise, Haruka… and don't lie to me… you know why you did it." I dropped my head in defeat, I forgot – she always knew when I was lying. That's ten years of friendship for you. She stroked my hair after letting go of my shoulders, I was relieved and upset at the same time. I hate how Michiru makes me feel so many contradicting things at one time
"Sorry." I said sorry, but even I wasn't sure what I was sorry for, was I saying sorry for lying or for kissing her? No, I could never be sorry for kissing her. Even in that split second, when our lips made contact, I felt complete. I felt like I needed her, like I could never be truly me without her,
"That's okay… so why did you do it?" I closed my eyes and hung my head. Damn, damn, damn, I waited. Not for dramatic effect, but in the hopes one of the girls would come out and interrupt… third time's a charm, right? Hell, right now, I'd even settle for Seiya to come out and act like a jerk. I'd settle for anything that would prevent me feeling like an idiot, anything to prevent from telling Michiru that since we were twelve, I have been madly in love with her.
"I…I can't say it." I could feel my voice cracking as I spoke. Damn, I really did not want to say a thing. Hell, I didn't want to be there period. I could feel her turning my shoulders gently, forcing me to look at her.
"You can't say or you don't want to say, Ruka?" She brushed some of my hair out of my face and I could feel myself shiver involuntarily at her touch, oh God, I hope she didn't notice. I took a step back, if I was ever going to just get on with my life, I had to put distance between us, emotionally and physically.
"Please, Michi… don't make me say it." I didn't dare to open my eyes, I had pictured her face to be one of disappointment or to be impatient and for her to shake me, tell me to stop being a coward and to grow up. But instead, there was nothing,
"I won't make you do anything you don't want to do, Ruka." I opened my eyes, but kept them locked onto the ground before me. I could feel her hand gently touch my cheek, and I had to hold myself back from grabbing her arm and kissing her palm, showering her with my love and affection, but I could only find myself, crying again. Dammit, these fucking tears, dammit, I did not give them permission to leave my body. Michiru's hand stopped, and I looked up at her. She wasn't angry or disappointed, just worried, for me, she cared, I knew that, but she looked really worried,
"Haruka, why are you crying? Are you okay, hun?" I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't handle this. Not the denial, I couldn't bear her pity. I really had to get out of there. I took another step back, and reached into my pocket. Good, my house keys were still there.
"Stop asking me these stupid questions, Michiru!" As these words left my mouth, I saw her… now she looked more worried about me than ever. Every time I was around Michiru, I never lost my composure, I was calm and cool, charming and very flirtatious. But now, I was shouting and angry. In fact, I must have been shouting pretty damned loudly, as Usagi's door was opened and Setsuna was standing there, Seiya behind her. I sighed,
"Fuck." I didn't stay around to hear much more. It's pretty amazing how fast you run when you're drunk, or maybe it's me. I just enjoy running. Mainly running away from things, people… now Michiru. I was halfway to our apartment when I remembered,
"Oh fuck, OUR apartment!" How was I suppose to avoid a girl who lived 12 feet away from me. Maybe I should have just not acted like an ass back there. Instead, I figured to go the whole nine yards, I rose my arms above my head, embracing the soft drizzle of rain and decided to shout, to vent in one quick burst,
"Can you not give me a break, kami-sama?! Dammit!" I breathed in and out heavily,
"Achoo!" Great. A cold. On my list of last things I needed right now, that was somewhere in my top 5. I decided to just run to the apartment, as fast as hell, as the sneezes were now coming in fits. Dammit. This is really turning out to be the worse day, and our… wait, my, that makes it easier… my apartment was still a good ten, maybe fifteen minute run away.
I'm pretty sure the state I am in, I didn't need my keys, my urge to get in, throw my wet clothes off, have a hot shower and disappear into my bed were so overwhelming I could have somehow regained the power of a mother bear protecting her cubs, and thrown my body against the door, throwing it off its hinges and allowing me to go on my rampage for warmth. But I didn't… I did opt to fumble with my keys in my slippery hands for a good half a minute before getting the door open and running in, already throwing my white button down shirt across the hallway and heading to my room, I was about to throw my white tank top off, when I entered my room and nearly fainted. There she was, on my bed, waiting for me, her eyes brimming with tears. She stood as I entered,
"I got a cab back… talk to me, Haruka." That was all she needed to say, I tried to hard to suppress my urge to smile, but when she says my name, I can't help but feel utterly in love with her. Then I remember why I was storming to my room, I began to shiver, and my wet clothes were still stuck to my body like a second skin. Michiru approached me, and she put her hand through my short sandy hair, I turned my head away, not because I didn't enjoy it, but because I could feel it coming.
"Achoo!" As my entire body shook at the ferocity of my sneeze, I could hear Michiru giggling, I looked up to her about to scold her, but I saw it in her eyes. That look that told me she wasn't laughing at me in a mean way, but that she was laughing because she knew… I needed her right now… who else would take care of me? I knew then and there I had a hard year ahead of me. Who was I kidding? I cannot live a day without Michiru Kaioh.
A/N again - A HUGE thank you to gotToluvAnime for being major inspiration and my beta-reader! Also a lot of love to Reusch17 for being immensely awesome and writing great stories that deluded me into thinking I could write one half as good. You guys rock!