Notes: The inspiration for this story, much like the story itself, was rather odd. I wanted to do a funny story on the life of Uchiha Madara, or at least his transformation into Tobi. So I turned to my trusty MP3 player, and that's when I heard it. One of my favorite old songs, "Return of the Mack" by Mark Morrison. Naturally, they don't really have all that much in common. But the instant I heard it, I pictured Tobi strolling down one of Konoha's main roads, wearing a blood red fur coat, with a matching pimp hat, tilted to one side, of course. If you can burn that image into your brain, you're more than ready for this story.

Warning: This story assumes that Madara's transformation into Tobi was not the result of a masterful plot for world domination, but of reoccurring blows to the head and, consequently, brain damage. Which, really, isn't funny at all.

Return of the M.A.D. (Mad Arsonist Destructor)

A Naruto Fanfic by

Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)

Part 1: Maddiekins and Duckbutt

Blood.

That was the first sight that greeted Uchiha Madara's failing eyes when he finally managed to force the last of his chakra into them.

Madara was no stranger to blood. As both an Uchiha and a ninja, spilled blood was like an old acquaintance of his now.

But not this blood.

In his lap rested the head of his little brother, rival, and constant companion, Uchiha Izuna. Madara knew that his brother was dying, and more importantly, that it was entirely his fault. His eyes had died on him in a critical moment, and Izuna had taken the kunai to the heart that was meant for Madara. Izuna's breathing was slow and wheezy already, and his lifeblood continued to pool around them in what seemed to be an endless stream.

"Damn you, Izuna," Madara whispered as tears of blood spilled from his eyes. Normally, Madara would've immediately cut the flow of chakra to his eyes at that point, assuming he wasn't in battle. But he wanted to witness his brother's last moments. He owed Izuna that and much more.

With a soft groan, Izuna opened his eyes and peered up into his brother's face. "Don't cry, Maddiekins," he said fondly, reverting to the childhood nickname that Madara almost always tried to stab him for using. Thankfully, he was the faster of the two, or at least he was after he got tired of being stabbed. He raised a trembling hand and carefully stroked Madara's cheek. "It doesn't really hurt. I can't even feel it anymore."

"Shut up, idiot!" Madara snapped, tightening his grip on his brother's shoulders. "That isn't a good sign! Stay with me!"

"Onii-sama," Izuna sighed, shaking his head. "It's too late for that. You know what to do."

Madara grew still. "Izuna, no. Your eyes-"

"Have always watched over you, Onii-sama. They were always yours. Please, take them while there is still time."

Madara still didn't move. Uchiha were warriors and killers, and there was not a single notable healer among them. He could take Izuna's eyes, but it would be incredibly messy, and the act alone would surely end what little remained of his brother's life. "I can't. It isn't-"

Izuna used the last of his strength to press a kunai, the very same that had been buried in his heart, into his brother's hand.

Sensing Izuna was about to breathe his last, Madara's grip tightened on the kunai, and his hand moved without conscious thought. Despite being the older brother, or perhaps because of it, he had never been able to deny Izuna anything for very long.

Even when Madara knew his eyesight had been restored, he kept his eyes shut tightly. He carefully let Izuna's head rest on the grass, backed away, and then spewed flames from his mouth, being sure to ignite the entire surrounding area. It was the only burial fitting for a fallen Uchiha. Only when Madara was clear of the fire did he open his eyes to pay his last respects.

"I'm sorry, Izuna," he whispered, staring in the flames. "So sorry..." His shoulders trembled, and then Madara fell to his knees, burying his face in his hands as he began to sob. "Forgive me for my pride, Izuna!" he choked out. "Forgive me, Duckbutt! DUCKBUUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!"

Several feet directly above Madara at that moment, a large group of ridiculously large ducks were flying overhead. One of them gave a loud, offended squawk as the cry rose beneath him. "Hey, Boss! Someone has dared to insult the Mighty Summon Ducks!"

The largest duck spun around in mid-air, eyes burning with fury. "The hell they did! I won't stand for it!" He turned to the second-largest duck and bellowed, "GOLDIE! DROP THE EFFIN' HAMMER ON THAT MUTHATRUCKA!"

Goldie let out a squawk of extreme discomfort, and then an egg the size of a large building dropped from his backside.

Near the back of the group, one duck turned to another. "Did we ever figure out how it is that Goldie's a dude, and he still lays eggs?"

The second duck shrugged. "I dunno. I still say it's all a bunch of crap."

"Yeah, I know, but-"

"No," the second duck interrupted patiently, "I mean I don't think they're eggs. I think Goldie's just full of crap, and sometimes he lets it out in these huge, hardened, boulder-like chunks."

The first duck blinked. "Dude, that's gross. Now I kinda feel sorry for whoever it's gonna hit."

"Well, nobody insults the Mighty Summon Ducks."

"Yeah, but did it ever occur to anyone that maybe he just looked up, saw Goldie's enormous butt, and got freaked out?"

"I thought that might be the case," the second duck agreed, "but no way was I going to speak up. The boss is in one of his moods, and I don't want the Effin' Hammer dropped on me..."

Madara was still weeping when a large, white, boulder-like object struck him directly on the head. It should've killed him instantly. Instead, it broke apart upon impact. But the height from which it had fallen was considerable, and as he lay unconscious in a large pile of hardened duck droppings, Madara had no way of knowing that his life was about to change: for good, but not necessarily for the better.

End of Part 1.

Next Chapter: Battle of the End

Madara challenges the Shodai Hokage. Only things don't quite go as planned…

Endnotes:

For those who might not be aware, apparently Izuna looks a lot like Sasuke. I'm assuming that includes the unusual hair shape.

I'm assuming Madara didn't steal Izuna's eyes. For one thing, Madara had no problem killing off his entire clan, so it strikes me as odd that he would deny killing his brother, if he had really done it. I'd instead expect him to take pride in the fact that he'd restored his Mangekyou Sharingan. For another thing, Izuna was supposed to be both Madara's equal, and kind to a fault, so it's pretty likely that he would've given his eyes to Madara, in much the same way Obito gave his eye to Kakashi (there are tons of recurring instances in Naruto, frankly).

Don't scratch your head too hard over the ducks' dialogue. It's just a nod to every dumb, heavily edited movie I've seen on daytime TV, which introduced me to such classic terms as "muthatrucka" and "muthaluva." Although I stole 'Effin Hammer from Sealab 2021.

Also, anyone who tells me this chapter was crap will only get a nod of agreement, and possibly a visit from Goldie. All chapters will most likely be fairly short, though.