Cupid is a cunt
A/N: Guess who finally finished House of Hades? If you didn't, it was me. The title here is literally the main point that I took from the entire book, that and Bob/Small Bob are my brotp. Anyways this was my first request for something to re-write, and by god am I going to do it...
"So we have to follow you because..."
Favonius smiled. "To go see my master of course."
"No worries, just tell me where he is and I'll shadow travel..." Nico started but the wind god cut him off mid sentence.
"Ah ah ah! I have to take you there."
"Why?" Jason asked, although he wasn't exactly complaining. If mini batman beside him wanted to do things his way, Jason wasn't sure he would survive. Or anyone would survive. Basically he was sure Nico was going to kill them all in his sleep.
"Erm..." Favonius thought about it for a moment. "Because I'm bored."
Nico face palmed. "But we could get there...know what, fuck it. Let's just do it your way. It's not like anything bad has happened when we trusted gods before."
Favonius frowned. "There was something else too...something about love..."
Nico blushed. "Just take us to get the shitty spear already or so help me god..."
"Which god?"
"EVERY GOD IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP!"
"Ok ok jeez!" Immediately Nico and Jason were turned into wind and carried to their destination. Jason had little problem with this since he was the son of the sky god, but Nico on the other hand...
"BLURG!" ...Nico was sick as soon as he reformed.
"Man seriously?! My boss just got this rug!" Favonius sighed and shook his head. "Sons of Hades are all the same; messy, bossy and smelly."
"Go die in a hole." Nico growled and wiped the sick from his mouth. "Now where is the damned thing and who is your damned boss?! Is it Gaia? Pleeeeeeease tell me its Gaia."
Jason looked puzzled. "Why do you want it to be Gaia?"
"Simple; I get to kill him that way." His eyes were practically glowing red now with anticipation, although for some reason the blush stayed with him.
Jason totally picked up on it. "Erm Nico...you ok there buddy?"
Favonius laughed. "Maybe the looooooove comment through him off. This little guy has a looooot of things he needs to get off his chest. In fact, why should I tell you? You'll find out soon enough when Cupid arrives."
Nico's eyes darted around the room. "Cupid?! What?!"
"You know, god of love, arrow in the heart and such. He's been waiting for ages to see you."
Nico drew his sword. "Well that makes one of us."
"Anyways I'll leave you two to it. I have ice cream to sell and whatnot. Later boys."
"DON'T YOU LEAVE ME WITH..." Nico roared but the god had already gone. "...shit."
"Dude chill out." Jason tried to soothe his...friend? Were they friends? Probably not since Nico hated everything. Acquaintance? Sure lets go with that. "It's only Cupid. The guy's friendly as hell on greeting cards and in TV shows."
"Oh yeah?!" Nico spun round, his eyes wild. "And tell me Captain Sparky, when has that worked out well for us before?!"
"Yeah but its Cupid! What's he going to do, make you confess your undying love for someone?" Nico glared at Jason so hard that he almost killed him. "...wait, you mean..."
Suddenly the air in the room felt heavy and full of cunt, as if some unknown, ancient force had come to ruin their days. "If only you knew Jason Grace, although soon it appears you will..."
"AND THEN THERE'S THIS CUNT!" The son of hades slashed around, desperately trying to kill whatever was coming to screw him over before it could fully form.
"That won't work Nico Di Angelo. As you well know, love is not something that is easily defeated."
Jason wasn't sure who he was more scared of, the ancient dick that was taunting them or the ticking time bomb that was his team mate. He had to act fast. "So what, do we just confess our love and then we can go?"
Arrows appeared out of thin air and flew towards them, but Nico simply called up a few undead soldiers to deflect them "Very good son of Jupiter, but knowing that won't do you any good."
"Whatever man. I'm in love with Piper McLean because..."
"Nobody cares about your love. You get enough screen time as it is in these adventures. No...it's time for some character development with darling little Nico."
"You better start developing an ass soon or I'll have to kick this entire place down." Needless to say, Nico was not amused.
His companion frowned in confusion. "Come on man it's just a confession. If it makes you feel better I'll not tell anyone back on the ship about it."
"He'll never talk." Cupid spoke and they could picture him sneering. "He never opens up to anyone and that's not going to change for you or me."
More arrows were flung at them and Jason was getting concerned. "Seriously its ok. Look...if this is your thing about Annabeth everyone..."
Laughter echoed throughout the chamber. "Oh ho that's what you all think? This is going to be better than I thought. Ok ok give me a second, I need popcorn."
A giant popcorn dispenser appeared on one of the walls but Nico immediately sliced it in two. "Fuck you and fuck your popcorn!"
"No see I have a wife to, as you so crudely put it, fuck. You on the other hand spend your alone time thinking about the son..."
"THAT'S IT, EVERYBODY DIES!" The floor split almost completely in two and an army of the deceased rose from it.
"Kind of ironic how you're using the dead to make others dead."
Jason by this point was currently in a state of shock. It wasn't that he was homophobic at all, just he realised that since Nico was from a different time, the fact that he was orientated that way would be soul crushing to him. "...Nico its ok..." He reached out to put a hand on the younger boy's shoulder, but quickly retracted it when it was almost disintegrated by the darkness radiating from him.
"Oh its ok is it?! IS IT FUCKING OK?! BECAUSE I'M NOT FUCKING OK!" Hordes of the undead were crowding the chamber now and Nico's aura was as black as night.
"So...not going to lie, I wasn't expecting you to be this pissed off."
Jason was just as worried as the god. "I-I'll put my fingers in my ears? Would that work?!"
"No, you need to hear this." A wall collapsed from the sheer mass of attacking undead. "...ok under these circumstances, I think I may let you have this one..."
"TOO LATE FUCKERS, YOU'RE HEARING MY SHIT!"
"Nico...you don't have to..."
"I WANT THE P! I WANT THE PERCY!"
The room was silent for a few seconds after that, well bar the masses of groaning soldiers. Jason was the first to speak. "Oh...ok. Well that's...you know...cool."
Nico's eyes were blacker than night. "Cool? COOL?! MY REPRESSED SEXUALITY IS COOL!? IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?!"
By this point even the people Nico had summoned were scared, and some had even started crawling back into Tartarus to escape the small boy's wrath. Jason, however, did not have such an easy escape option. "So...how long have you..."
"HAVE SOME MEMORIES!" The dark boy yelled, forcing out as many memories as he could of his times with Percy. Of course Nico couldn't project his thoughts into another person's head, but Cupid, being a douche, was happy to help. Hell he even threw in a few more...private ones.
After the onslaught, the once bold and noble praetor of the last Roman Legion was reduced to a twitching wreck. "That rock...those pictures...the feels..."
Then he did something nobody expected. He got up and hugged Nico. "What are you..."
"Shhhhhh." Jason shushed him. "It's ok. It's all going to be ok. I got you man."
"Jason why are you stroking my hair?"
"Everything is gonna work out. You, Percy, Annabeth, Me, everyone."
"Stop that! I'm not a damned cat."
"No you're not! You're a beautiful, wonderful person Nico who deserves the love of a great man!"
"Are..are you coming on to me?"
"Erm...do you guys want a minute?" The two jumped in surprise then turned to face the handsome man that had just appeared in the middle of the room.
"Give us that sceptre now so we can go and get hot chocolate!" Jason yelled, still keeping his arm around Nico.
"Hot...chocolate...?"
"My my, are you sure Piper is the one you love?" Cupid chuckled but dropped the sceptre of Diocletian on the ground. "There you go; have a big boy present for being a big boy."
And with that he was gone. Nico, still being held by Jason, shuffled over to it and picked it up. "Great, now we have...wait, what's this?" Looking down on the ground there were two more things; a picture of Percy and a bottle of lube. "...I swear to god Cupid..."
"Shhhh shh shh! It's cool. We'll just get back to the ship and you can go use that as you want."
"Jason...why are you crying?"
"BECAUSE ITS JUST SO SAD!"
Nico sighed and shadow travelled them back to the ship. Once they arrived, in the middle of a room of course, he glared at them all.
"Jason are you ok?!" Piper asked, a mixture of stunned and concerned at her weeping boyfriend. "Nico what happened?"
"Piss off and die." He scowled and attempted to remove Jason's arm from his side. He failed.
Leo blinked. "Man what crawled up your ass today?"
"NOTHING LEO AND ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!" The praetor screamed before returning to crying into Nico's hair. "Its ok. It's all going to be ok. We love you man. We love you and we've got your back here."
Nico sighed. "You're...not going to let go any time soon are you?" The only response was being hugged tighter. "Great, now I have a support group. Yey me."
It took about three hours for Jason to remove himself from the small boy, after which not a word was spoken about it. Everyone tried to forget, most of all Nico who was pretty sure he could sue for that kind of violation. Nobody outside of those two was told about what happened with Cupid, but an unspoken promise to look after the dark haired son of hades was made by everyone. Especially by Jason. Jason was Nico's eternal bro now. That was a thing. And everything was going to be ok for him always. Fuck the quest, the kid's happiness was more important. And that's how Gaia managed to take over the world while everyone was eating chocolate cake and playing Mythomagic.
A/N: You know looking back at the last book it actually ended with Nico being happy as hell and everyone playing Mythomagic. That happened. Nobody was sad. You can't tell me otherwise. In other news, I hope you enjoyed this :)